When She Sleeps

Unforgivable

My dad was my hero; he always turned everything into a lesson. My parents were always there for me, especially when I couldn’t be there for myself. Which I had a lot of times like that in my life. I battled with depression, and BPD. Yeah, I know shocker. How is Benji Lewis star athlete a mental case?

I spent a lot of time turning up bottles of whiskey until I passed out in my own vomit. The only thing that brought me any kind of joy was spending time with my parents. It’s kinda ironic considering how much I try to avoid my mother now. Since dad died it’s been really hard to talk to her.

I can't deny it - I blame my mother. They don’t normally argue, but it was bad that day. Dad had to leave to separate himself. My dad was a very old school person. He maintained a reserved demeanor, carefully observing his surroundings. He exudes an aura of elegance and refinement. I look just like him, just without my long hair. He worked hard for a living, and his long wouldn’t have been possible.

I remember everything about that day: I was home from college, I’d been kicked out, actually. I had to move in with my parents. Yeah, I was a loser, but sober. Living with my dad was the only choice available. I felt better actually, I started talking to Tonya. She was sweet and understanding. She never rushed me or made me feel like I was a failure even though I knew I was.

Mom and dad got to arguing over bills, dad normally gave mom the money for the bills, and she’d take care of everything. That’s how it worked in our home. Dad got a certified letter in the mail, which had to be signed by him and him only. It was from the mortgage company.

The mortgage hadn’t been paid in five months. The house was at risk of foreclosure. Confused, he asked mom what was going on. My mom, sweet as honey, looked up at him, tears filled her eyes, Jack please sit down. Mom was never serious, so I knew whatever it wasn’t good.

Mom was a little short black haired woman. She was on the heavier side, but she always said that was because she had so much love to give and not enough people to give it to. She wasn’t wrong; she put her love into everything she did. She in my eyes couldn’t ever do any wrong.

I remember that day, I don’t know what upset dad more, her not thinking she could tell him, or her being secretive. It was completely out of either of their character. She broke down and told him, years before my mother had a terrible car crash and broke her leg in three places. Despite taking an extended amount of time to recover, it seems that she inadvertently became dependent on the pain medication they had originally prescribed for her. She had been spending dad's money for several years on hydros and Percocets. It just started spiraling I remember her telling him.

I never knew this about my mom, but things started making sense to me. I thought my mom would think so poorly of my addiction, she never did. Everything she ever said to me was full of so much grace you’d think you were speaking to an Angel. She could tell even before I moved in I needed help. Call it intuition, call it recognizing the signs. Whatever you call it, my mother acting like she was never disappointed in me.

That woman sat with me in the middle of the night and let me cry with her. She took on so many of my problems. I never knew she was having her own. She was a good woman, a good mother and a good wife. Even though I blame my mom in this weird way, I understand.

Don’t get my wrong, I love my mom but ever since that day our relationship hasn’t been the same. You can be sure that I am still willing to die for her. My dad didn’t say anything, didn’t sigh or show any emotion. Stone faced him, he got up, walked to the kitchen and grabbed his keys. Didn’t say anything to anyone or to the family dog who followed him wagging his tail.

He left straight out of that front door and I never saw him again, nobody did. On that day, Jack my father crossed the center line going down the highway at 75 miles per hour. He hit a family of four. A couple in their twenties who have recently married, along with their two children, aged 3 and 4.

It killed all of them, they never could determine why he crossed that line. I wouldn’t like to think it was on purpose; the official determination was he was drinking. I know he wasn’t though; the bottle of alcohol they found in the car was mine. I hid it on the way back from the liquor store because my mom came out to talk to me. Scared I would upset her I hid it.

My dad's phone was in the floorboard when they found him, texts messages open to my messages. It was me asking him if he was okay. He was replying to me. You see, I blame my mom because he would have never left if it wasn’t for their argument. In all actuality he wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for me.

I made a few promises that day, first to never text and drive. Secondly, to take care of my mother with everything I have. That’s what I can do for my dad. I promise you, I will not break that promise. I couldn’t. I don’t think I could survive without my mother. She is my backbone.

(Today.)

“Sarah?!” I said confused, “where is my mom?”

“I.. I’m sorry Benji, she didn’t make it.” Tears welled up in her eyes for me. I must have been making a tortured face because she hugged me, she hugged me tight. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. This was a nightmare it had to be. I was consumed by a tumultuous mix of sorrow and anger that threatened to overwhelm me. No! I feel mentally overwhelmed.

“No it’s not true, I just saw her.” I sobbed, “I didn’t get a chance to tell her I was sorry.” “Mom I’m sorry!” I screamed. Sarah cried with me, this woman doesn’t even know me. Why is she here crying over a woman she’s never met? “Can you please get the f**k away from me, you don’t even know my mom.” She gasped, “I’m sorry.. I..I didn’t mean to offend, I will leave please forgive me.”

She quickly leaves the room stumbling over her own feet, as soon as I hear that door latch I begin to sob.