Blue eyed angel

Looking in the mirror I barely recognize the women standing before me. My exhaustion and frustration is incredibly obvious, deep lines etch into my face, dark circles encase my eyes. My beautiful blue eyes that have always been my favorite part of my body seem to have dulled considerably, like the light has been sucked out of them . I have been living in this state of survival for so long, but now the fight is over and I am finally free of his grasp, so why can’t I find the peace that I need to get some sleep. Memories flood into my mind as I lay in bed at night, the awful things he did and said to me and how he made me feel so weak useless and ugly. He constantly tormented me and accused me of doing unspeakable things to the point where I was always walking on eggshells and having to justify every move I made. I had lost so many jobs because of him constantly calling me when I was trying to work and not allowing me to work late if needed, because he timed me on my way home. I lost almost everyone in my life due to his manipulation and attempt to isolate me. The only people I have who remain consistently in my life now are a few friends that I could count on one hand and his two children. Even my family have seemed to abandon me, not wanting to get into the middle of the drama. My children are my solace and my strength, the reason I live and breath still. There were so many times in those 13 years I thought of taking my own life and only decided against it after realizing that my children would be left alone with that Devil to raise them. I would never let that happen, which meant that I had to stay alive and strong and had to fight, to find away out and I did just that. It’s been almost a year since I left him and sometimes I still feel trapped. I keep myself pretty busy, running my business and taking care of my kids but I feel like something is missing, there is a hole in my heart and soul. I never thought I would be thinking this but I long for companionship, I long for someone who will make my heart skip a beat and my body turn to flames with just a touch or look. I long for someone who will really love me, protect me and cherish me. I long for someone to complete me and make me feel alive again. I long for the love I read about in the romance novels that I love reading so much. I have never truly believed in soulmates but now I feel this pull and this nagging feeling that he is out there looking for me too. My friends often tease me about setting up an online dating profile because it would probably be the only way I had the courage to talk to anyone. I was extremely shy and even more insecure since the Devil had taken every bit of my confidence and shredded it. I thought the idea was absurd and dumb, how could I trust anyone on the internet and how would I know they are who they really say they are? But, after this hollow feeling began to grow and the loneliness became unbearable, I decided to give it a try. I started looking through the profiles and found myself finding even the tiniest reasons to swipe and reject them. It had been a week since I signed up and I had rejected every profile I saw. It’s not that I didn’t find any of them attractive or interesting but if I hit the like button then it would give them the opportunity to chat with me. Even though that was the reason I signed up for this, I also feared it, or maybe my fear was that they wouldn’t talk to me or they would reject me. Maybe it was that I felt I was not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough for the guys I found attractive. I thought about deleting the app altogether but decided maybe just taking a break from it might be better. I busied myself with work and the kids and had almost forgotten about it. Until one day I was scrolling through my notifications and saw some from the dating app, I decided to look at it. Several guys had liked my profile, I decided I need to stop being a coward, I went through the profiles and liked a couple who weren’t extreme show offs. Started talking to a few, which led to five sentence conversations and then it was “ do you want to have some fun?” It was exactly what I dreaded, nothing meaningful, just a way for them to get laid. I was thinking of deleting the app once again but I noticed a guy named Zeke had liked me. His profile seemed simple not a thousand seductive pictures of him, no corny jokes or stupid pick up lines. It was a picture of him walking with the cutest smile. Confident but humble at the same time. I felt so drawn to him, I held my breath and hit that dreaded like button. A little while later my phone dinged and there was a message from him. My heart stopped, I had no idea what to expect. It was a simple message, asking how my day was going. Somehow it made my heart race, I couldn’t help how I felt drawn to this person. It scared me but excited me all the same. The next few days I spent messaging him on the dating app and eagerly awaiting his responses. Our conversations were normal everyday conversations with a little bit of flirting here and there. I loved talking to him and part of me was excited about maybe meeting him in the near future, but the other half of me was scared to death. I guess we will see what the future holds there.