Mentally in love

Chapter eleven - Together forever

Lesley's POV:

For the past few days, I started using painkillers more often. Two days ago, I used them four times. I needed something to keep me alive. I don't expect them to do some magic, but at least I'm in a good state. That is the most important thing for me. They might not be healthy, but I don't have another option. I need them. I probably need to see a therapist. The thing is that I don't know what to say. I have to talk about my problems in front of a stranger. It's not that easy for me. The fact that I hide from my parents says enough. That's why I don't feel ready to open up. Well, if Dean had been here, I would've told him. I'm sure he would understand. After all, he had similar problems. Maybe he could've helped me. Sadly, I can't do that. I never thought I would need him so much. Now, more than anything, I wish he had been here. I can see him, but my parents won't like it. They think I go there too often. It's not a lie, but I need to do it. I can't talk to anyone else about this. He is the only good friend I had. I speak to people in school, but that's it. Outside, I am alone. I don't want to interact with anyone. Otherwise, there will be too many questions. The thing is that I don't have to explain my life to anyone. That's why what I do is my business. No one else needs to know about this. Also, I'm sure that now many people can help me. Most of them prefer to stay away from such people. It's like we are a disease. That feels terrible, but I can't do anything about it. Honestly, that is the last thing I want to mess with. I have more important things to worry about. I have upcoming tests at school, and I haven't studied yet. The reason for that is that I can't concentrate. Whenever I try to read my lesson, other thoughts come to my head. I hope that I will be able to find my concentration again. I can't fail.

It's the weekend. I don't have any plans. As always, I will stay at home. I don't want to go outside. There are too many people there. Also, I feel like they are always watching me. Maybe it's not true. The thing is that I can't get rid of this feeling. I have had it for years. Honestly, I have no idea what happened to me. I think everything started when Dean died. I felt like I had someone on my side who would always keep me safe. Then he was gone.

I woke up an hour ago. I made my bed but didn't leave my room. The plan is to spend the day here. That is if nothing happens. It's not like I don't expect it. No one needs me. I mean, at least not in my state. Now I wonder if Dean felt the same way. Growing up, I realized many things. The most important one is that I have to deal with everything alone. Sadly, I had to understand it the hard way. At least I know why he told me all these things. I was on my bed when my mom came in.

- Hey, how are you?

- I'm fine.

- I have someone on the phone for you.

- Who? I don't want to talk with anyone right now.

- Please.

- Fine. - I said and took the phone

- Lesley?

- Miss Harris. How can I help you?

- Do you have plans for the day?

- Why are you asking?

- Can you come home?

- When?

- Now.

- Why? I don't want to talk with Leo. We don't understand each other.

- It's not that. Leo is outside. He comes home only to sleep. I barely see him.

- Are you ok with that?

- What can I do? It's visible that he has a problem.

- Talk with him.

- I tried. Leo doesn't want to listen to me or his dad. I decided to give him some time. Maybe this will help.

- All I can say is that the problem is not mine.

- I know. Will you come home?

- You still haven't told me for what. I didn't plan to go outside today.

- Please. I will explain to you when you come.

- Why can't you come? If you have to say something, say it now.

- No, I want to show you something. Please, Lesley.

- Ok, fine. I will come.

- Thank you. I'll wait for you.

- Bye. - I said and gave the phone to my mom

- I'll leave you to get ready.

- Do you know what this is about?

- No, she refused to tell me.

- Great.

Mom and I chatted for ten minutes. Then I went to get ready. I wish miss Harris could tell me what all of this is about. I don't want to go outside. It's not like I have a choice. I took my phone, my keys, and some money and left. Hopefully, this is worth it. After around forty minutes, I was in front of her house. I knocked, and she opened the door.

- Hey. Thank you for coming.

- No problem. Are you going somewhere?

- Yes, I have a meeting with your mom.

- Then why did you invite me here?

- Because I want to show you something. Technically, someone wanted to see you.

- I told you I didn't want to talk with Leo.

- It's not him. He is still outside.

- Then who?

- Go to the kitchen. I will go now. Bye. - she said and left

You have to be kidding me. I came all the way here for nothing. I won't lie that I'm a bit curious. I did what she told me and went to the kitchen. Soon, a boy came. He looks older than me. One look in his eyes was enough for me. This can't be real. I don't believe it. I don't understand. How is he standing here? All this time, I thought he was dead.

- Dean?

- Hey, Lesley.

- Is this you? For real? - I asked with tears in my eyes

- Yes, it's me.

- Why?

- Why what?

- Why did you leave? Do you know how many things I had to go through until today? You left me. You didn't even think about me.

- I'm sorry.

- You promised me. You said you would stay with me. Did I even mean something to you?

- Yes, you did. You were my friend.

- Really? It doesn't feel like that.

- Lesley, I'm sorry. - he said, and I stepped close

- I hate you. I hate you so much right now. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. - I said, punching his chest

- I know.

- I HATE YOU! - I said with tears falling down

He didn't say anything and pulled me for a hug. I have missed him so much. Soon, I received a kiss on the top of my head. I pulled away and looked at him. I have no idea where he has been, but there was no change. The pain was still there. This time, I hugged him. It was much needed.

- I see you keep the bracelet.

- That was the only thing I had from you.

- Look, I'm sorry about all this.

- Where have you been?

- In a place to get help.

- Won't you share?

- I don't think you need to know about this.

- We look alike way more than you think.

- What do you mean?

- I do the same things as you.

- I don't understand.

- Dean, I know about the painkillers.

- How?

- Your mom told me.

- Oh, I see.

- It turned out you have used the same things as me. Technically, I use them now.

- What? Lesley, why would you do that?

- Because I need it. You have no idea how much things have changed.

- Do you know what this can do to you?

- Yes, I do. I tried three times to do it. The last one, I ended up in a hospital.

- Lesley. Why are you doing this?

- Because I have nothing to live for.

- That is not true. Life is so colorful.

- If it's like that, why is the pain in your eyes still there?

- What?

- I see it. We are not that different.

- I came home because the place was not helping me.

- What can help you?

- You.

- Me? Why?

- You knew how to bring my good mood back.

- I can't do this anymore. Things have changed.

- That's what you think. Let's go upstairs. I'm sure you have a lot to tell me.

- I thought I was doing it all these years. I visited you often.

- I'm sorry about that. I'll make it up to you.

- It's ok. You are here now.

We walked to his room. I have never been here. Everything here fits his personality so well. Also, it looked so clean. Maybe miss Harris was here. I kept looking around. If I didn't know this room was for a boy, I could think a girl lives here too. Mostly, I mean a tomboy girl. He sat on the bed, and I came next to him. For some reason, it feels weird. Probably that is because we haven't seen each other for a long time. Soon, I was pulled for a hug.

- I want you to tell me what is going on with you.

- Nothing.

- Lesley. We both know this is not true. Leo is mad at me and doesn't want to talk at all. At least you do it.

- I'm not surprised. He is mad at me as well.

- Why?

- Because he understood we knew each other.

- So? Why is this a problem?

- I don't know. He doesn't want to talk with me anymore. I tried to do it once. We spent more time arguing than talking.

- I see. We have to give him some time.

- Your mom is worried about him.

- I noticed that. I don't know what is going on with him. He is all the time outside.

- That is something I can't tell you.

- Enough distraction. What is going on with you?

- I told you. Nothing.

- Lesley, why don't you want to tell me?

- What do I have to tell you? That I do all the things you did. Is this what you want to hear?

- Why did you end up like that?

- I don't know. Growing up, things changed.

- What exactly?

- Whenever I go outside, people always look at me. I can feel their judgment. That's why I stopped doing it. I planned to spend the day in my room. Well, your mom ruined that.

- Technically, I did.

- What do you mean?

- I wanted to see you. I don't know if you want to be my friend again, but I would love it.

- Really? You still want this.

- Yes, I do. I have been thinking about it for the past month.

- I see you have a new bracelet.

- My friends gave me this.

- Won't you finally tell me where you have been?

- I was in a mental hospital.

- What? Why? How did you get there? You weren't an adult.

- I had my ways.

- Did it help?

- No. My therapist said that no matter what she does, she can't help. I have to see my problems through someone else.

- Is that someone else I?

- I didn't expect you to be in that state, but yes. It looks like it will be you.

- I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help you.

- Since when are you using the painkillers?

- A long time ago.

- How did you get them? I'm sure you need a recipe from a doctor.

- Dad has it. Once, he was sick with terrible pain. His doctor gave him this. I found it and used it. I said in the pharmacy that I needed it for my dad. No one is asking questions.

- You are more clever than I thought.

- I need them.

- You don't. They are not helping you. Trust me.

- If I don't take them, I can't go throughout the day.

- Lesley, you don't need this. Listen to me. I didn't use them to help me but to speed up the process. You know what I mean.

- It's too late. I got addicted.

- It's not too late. You can stop using them.

- I don't want to. I can't sleep well.

- This is probably obvious, but did you try with pills?

- I did. They didn't help me.

- Don't do this to yourself. Please. Don't be like me.

- You say this too late. I am already like you.

- No, you are not. I won't let you do this.

- Why?

- Because you are my friend, and I care about you.

- Really?

- Yes. You can't do what I did.

- All I will say is you have a lot to deal with.

- I don't care. I will do it.

- If you say so.

- Good. - he said and kissed the top of my head

We kept talking the whole afternoon. That was until I fell asleep. I never thought I would see him again, but I'm so happy. This time, I will make it last. We'll be together forever. I woke up with a hand on my hair. It was Dean. I checked my phone and saw it was almost dinner time. I have to go home. I was about to get up, but he pulled me back down. Something tells me that he doesn't want me to go home. That doesn't matter. I already spent a lot of time here today.

- I have to go home.

- No, you don't.

- Why?

- Your parents are here.

- What? Since when?

- Mom invited them for dinner.

- Oh, ok. Let's go, then.

- Yes, or we can stay here.

- What?

- I'm kidding.

- Is Leo here? - I asked as we walked to the kitchen

- He came for five minutes, saw that all of us were there, and walked away. - miss Harris said

- Won't he eat?

- He said he would eat outside. I guess he will have company.

- Mom, leave him. He will come back when he needs you. - Dean said

- That is the worst part.

- It's ok, miss Harris. That is his loss.

- Maybe, but I wish he had been here.

- It's ok, mom. He will come one day.

We had a peaceful dinner. Our parents were talking to each other. After some time, Dean and I went to the backyard. I needed some fresh air. It's good that he is back. Maybe I won't end up doing everything he did. I mean, he is here. I'm sure he will help me. That's why I accepted him as my friend again. I don't know what he was doing all these years, but I'm sure he had some help. I can't talk to my parents about this, but I can do it with him. He will listen to me and tell me what to do. That is everything I need from my friend. I hope now things will be different, and I won't end up doing it.