Like Me, Like You

Monday morning. My house. How am I feeling today? This is the question I ask myself every day since-…since I don’t know or I can’t seem to remember. I have a feeling inside me like something is shattering like something is broken. Like I am broken. All my friends are tired because they don’t understand what I’m going through and honestly I don’t blame them. I mean how can I expect them to understand when I barely can. You know that frustrating feeling of being happy and sad for no apparent reason it’s just like you’re trapped in your own mind and there’s no escaping from it. It’s toxic you feel like you’ll never be free you know if the reason of all these feelings is another person you can cut them off of your life run away from them but how do you run away from yourself? I’ll answer that – You can’t. Don’t be mad I’m not being pessimistic it’s just the way it is. My parents are always worried they think I’m depressed that almost makes me laugh almost. Not the fact that they think I’m depressed but that it has something to do with my dating life let me tell you it has absolutely NOTHING to do with that. Well to begin with I never had an boyfriend at least not the real boyfriend I mean there was one when I was 11 my first kiss with this boy in our school it was gross!! Whoever said first kiss is magical most certainly lied there’s nothing magical about it, then there was josh in 7th grade we only dated for like a weekend, he thought I was not a girlfriend material HE WAS NOT. You’ll be surprised that the list does not end here there was another guy or should I say “gay” we’ve been friends for 6 years now. I only pretended to be his girlfriend as a favor to him, when the act was over the other kids in school stopped bullying him but he started getting nasty looks from my parents for “breaking” my heart. He finally came out so that’s good but the kids at school have started to target me for dating him. But I’m sure they’ll get over it because I’m already over it. Since then I’ve stayed low key no cheerleading or any sport that would bring unnecessary attention to me trust me nothing’s worse than bunch of low life losers giving you looks, though I love cheerleading but those looks are not worth it. I just felt like there’s nothing wrong with me but everything wrong with me at the same time. I don’t know if that makes sense, but in my mind it makes perfect sense. I have two close friends Ryan and Amanda. Ryan aka my pretend boyfriend aka gay. He is sensitive funny and a little proud as he should be for knowing the whole of pie value by heart. I don’t understand where it comes useful in real life, weird flex but okay. And Amanda is a polar opposite of Ryan like South Pole and North Pole if you know what I mean. I’m Switzerland. I never pick sides I learned that the hard way. Amanda and Ryan are like my only escape from, this miserable life. When I’m not hanging out with them I’m packed in my room surrounded by only two things that makes this life somewhat bearable. The only two things that make sense in this world --- Music and books. I kinda feel sorry for all the people who will never know the pleasure of being alone in your own imaginary world where nothing goes wrong and nothing’s unfair I love my room possibly more than I love anything else, to be surrounded by books and books and more books. I know what you must be thinking another book lover, isn’t that the story of every mysterious person. People think this makes them attractive and somehow charming and will probably get you more attention, which is the exact reason why I don’t tell people I love to read. Another reason is that I don’t want to be labeled as nerd. I know what you must be thinking that from what I have told you about my life up till now you must think I don’t care what people think about me but trust me I do. All the people claiming to not care what the world thinks of them are actually the ones who care the most but are better at hiding it than everyone else. This is my mantra for success –hiding. I have perfected the art of hiding. It’s the best way to avoid talking about your feelings or dealing with it at all. People won’t worry about you, if you don’t show that you’re upset or hurting. Also they don’t care that you’re upset that you’re goldfish died. And even if you decide to share your feelings with anyone they will pretend to care but only laugh behind your back or worse you get the tag of emotional fool- been there, done that. Anyways today is another day –just like any other day. When I enter the kitchen I can hear my parents argue about the car they’re going to get me for my 17th birthday –they want to surprise me but this the second time I almost caught them, I just cannot believe how oblivious they are and also how less they know me they think I want a car for my birthday? I know, I know what you must think who doesn’t want a car? Well for starters I don’t. As Hannah Montana once said “driving is overrated” well technically she only said that ‘cause she didn’t pass her driving test but I agree with her, I love to ride my bike instead. Both my parents are now trying to change the topic as fast as they can and I pretend as if I didn’t hear a word, to be honest I heard EVERYTHING. They’re getting me a small SUV; I even know the color its red. My mom argued about it for an hour last night. Of course I overheard them. Even though my favorite color is black but it doesn’t matter I’m not a kid anymore.