Benefits of a Broken Heart

---Taylor's POV--- Introvert.. has so many meanings for different people, it's hard to determine what's the right definition.. Maybe it just depends on who you are. Being defined by your silence, ends up just depending on your facial expressions, which determines if you're a quiet nerd, to shy, or a loner, to bitchy.. or maybe even stuck up.. But being called all these things hasn't made it any easier to figure out what I really am.. I don't even know yet.. but I guess that's the point of moving to this city, that scared the hell out of this small town girl who just came here to try the college 6 months ago. All I have noticed, is that no one else is really like me and by all the fun they seem to be having while I'm not, it makes me want to be just like them.. So I'm now determined to try to at least develop into a better person than what everyone thinks I am.. Maybe I should be the one they want me to be? But is that who I want to be? I don't know.. I do know I want to be able to have fun like they are and I think the only way to do that is by partying with them, while doing things they like to do, because these girls always look like they are having a great time.. But even though that's not me right now, it doesn't mean it can't be me eventually.. maybe.. ugh.. Growing up is easier said than done when you have to try to figure out what and who you want to be in your future. Out of all the questions, that I have no answers or solutions for just yet.. I do have one answer that will never change and it's my passion for cooking.. That's the only thing that keeps me motivated to keep going.. It gives me purpose because that seems to be the only thing I'm good at... But to really shape my personality like dough with a Barbie-party-girl cookie cutter.. I will keep taking these uncomfortable steps for myself to keep trying to fit in, even knowing I'm nothing like these girls I pretend to relate to. We are from two different worlds and somehow they still want me around.. Oddly enough.. So I'll just continue to try to change myself to become the better person I think I should be for everyone else and worry about myself later. These girls push me out of my comfort zone and that's not always what I want to do, but it is something I probably should do because it makes me uncomfortable.. I'm fighting my fears head on.. I saw this experiment years ago that intrigued me to no end.. this man would face his fear and defeat it by facing it head on. He was scared of heights so he went sky diving until he wasn't scared anymore.. and it actually worked.. This is a preferred method for some and, since nothing else has worked with breaking me out of my intimidated shell.. this is the only thing I can think of.. So I will fight my fear of lots of interaction with new people by hanging out with these girls that force me into these situations by having lots of parties with strangers.. In the hope I will eventually get over this fear. Here's to stepping out of my comfort zone for another uncomfortable party, stuck in this party house, because this is different than the other times since I am going to start calling this place home.. They offered for me to live with them since we spent half the year in the dorms living together anyways. "Thank you again for the invitation to stay here with all of you.. I never expected that." I say to my friend Amanda and Sierra as I drag my last couple bags through the front door from my car, putting them on the floor to give my exhausted arms a break for a moment. "yea.. um.. of course.. I'm just as surprised as you are.. I didn't think with your obvious discomfort of people that you would even consider moving in with us.. I'm so surprised." Amanda states as Sierra quickly retorts, "Yea We never expected that.. but this will be something to remember, I guess huh.. just like the dorms somehow.. Baffling really.." I look over at them as I quickly explain. "I'm trying to get myself out of this shell that I have been stuck in my entire life and maybe this move will be just what I need for that.. So I accepted this hard offer for myself in hopes it will help." This gets their heads nodding at my comment, but not a very convincing nods.. It looks like they are just as confident about me doing this as I am.. which isn't very confident.. "I don't think this could fix you, but it's worth a try." Tiffany states from the other side of the room with a big smirk on her face as I flip her off with a smirk on my face and spat back playfully. "Well it's worth a try for sure.. No matter what the result, I could say at least I tried." We have all been like this with each other since the day I met them.. that I never actually know if they are joking or not, but by their facial expressions it is easy to deduct that they are obviously teasing in a playful way. "Well I guess what better way to break the people anxiety shell then by throwing it straight into an overnight party... with guys and alcohol.. what could go wrong?" Michelle asks playfully as she prances across the room and past us, out the front door and to the car to grab more stuff out of there for tonight. "Guys? Overnight?" I squeak out getting nervous at that idea alone.. these girls always have great looking men that are completely above me and out of my league coming over to hang out with them all the time.. completely intimidating to say the least.. and they are just now telling me its not a regular party like they have always done.. it is an over night party with guys and them.. this is going to be harder than I thought to open up. "Oh Tay.. I thought you were trying to change?.. don't tell me you're already chickening out before the guys even get here?" Sierra asks as I shake my head. "No.. not yet.. I just thought it would be like we use to do.. have a group of people show up for a little bit then leave.. I didn't know it would be just men that are staying the night." I say to them as Michelle laughs before passing by to the kitchen to put food away in the fridge.. but still responds loudly back to me from the other room. "Don't start freaking out just yet TayTay.. it's just the 5 of us and 5 cute guys.. I like this guy, Austin and he asked if he could bring his 4 friends to hang out with us and of course I agreed just so, I could spend time with him.. So sorry you b*tches need to be my wing-women and help me lock this down." All of them nod their heads besides me.. they notice this as all their gazes are now drawn to my frame waiting for me to respond one way or another. I swallow the lump in my throat saying softly.. "OK I'll just make sure to keep drinking and cooking the entire time and maybe that will help with my already building anxiety." They all reluctantly nod at me as they continue to prepare the place for the visitors that should be showing up withing the next couple of hours. "I'm going to get ready, then come down to start cooking for all of us after." I declare to them with a tinge of confidence in my voice, trying to feel ok about all of this.. I pick up the last of my bags and taking them up to the spare open bedroom, throwing them onto the floor beside my closet as I make my way in and flopping on the bed. I can feel my heart rate already increasing at the thought of these visitors coming to stay with us already.. not to mention that I'm not even remotely ready after the long afternoon of moving my s**t in here.. So I think my next step should be to just jump in the shower and hope that the heat and massaging droplets can calm my mind, even if it's just for the hour.. I would appreciate it either way. I do just that, stripping down and jumping into the shower to at least get cleaned up even though I have no idea what I would be doing for an outfit.. maybe I could ask for advice from the girls.. I don't know.. they don't like my beautiful thrift store finds because they are not name brands but doesn't mean they don't look nice.. I was raised poor so thrift stores are my thing.. I can make so many items look good when they were just discarded. I think I have a fun individual look that most don't understand but I love.. So maybe I'll just figure this out on my own instead to keep the little bit of confidence I do have intact. I take a quicker than normal shower because I need to dig through my boxes and bags to find an outfit so it will already take longer than it should to get ready.. I start searching through and can't find anything I want to wear. I keep going as I feel my irritation slowly building at the thought of not feeling pretty with these girls here.. they are girly girls and I'm probably the furthest thing from.. but I try to remotely be girly it's still not to their standards.. So I'm going to try to ease myself into this as best as I can.. So after slipping on my black thong and bra, feeling sexier than ever for myself.. I'll then wear my blue skinny jeans that hug all my curves perfectly as if they were made for them.. these are the jeans that actually make me like my curves.. I put on my black tank top and my favorite white and black plaid long shirt. I drape it over just feeling comfy and cute in this outfit. I leave my long dark hair down as I dry it, then curl it as best as I can without burning myself. I do some light make-up highlighting my eyes as I turn around prancing down the stairs barefoot since we are staying in. I get down the stairs and all the girls have dresses on and none of them are leaving anything to the imagination when it comes to their outfits. "You're not even going to dress up?" Michelle asks me as I shake my head and reply, "no.. we are staying in.. um.. I thought I would put on something comfy. I don't look that bad right?" I ask her as she huffs then looking at my shirts before taking my tank top and ripping about half of it off so now my tank top is turned into a belly shirt. She tries slipping my flannel shirt off but I keep putting it right back on. I don't like showing that much skin. Michelle huffs at me as she throws the bit of shirt she ripped away as she glares at me about my flannel. "What? I'm cold." I say to her innocently as she crosses her arms then says. "Fine it is a little cold in here right now.. you win for the moment." I smile at that as I prance past her to the kitchen to figure out what I will make for 10 people to enjoy for dinner and dessert.