The Assassin's Kryptonite

Burning Rage

“I’ll just…. I’ll just go to the bathroom.”

I was startled when he held my hand back so I wouldn’t be able to walk away. It’s what happen to movies right? The leading lady walks away but the love of her life stops her. and then all hearts will appear and will surround them.

But then aren’t I supposed to feel like I’d want to run back to him and hug him back for not letting me go? Aren’t I supposed to be smiling so widely that I would feel like my mouth is going to be ripped apart? aren’t I supposed to feel all things bubbly and colorful?

But why do I feel like I was beginning to lose consciousness? Why do I feel like everything is painful? And why do I feel like crying my heart out? Why do I feel like running away?

And then it struck me. I want to run away because I feel like I’m going to be rejected again. No. I don’t feel it. I know it. I know it to my bones. And I’m so afraid of it. I’m so afraid because I know that I’ll be ruined. And my heart won’t take it. My heart won’t be able to handle it.

And even when I was strong enough to tell him how I feel, I now realized that I’m not ready for whatever answer he’d give me. I’m not ready and I hate it. I hate it so much.

“I….” I tried removing his grip from my hand. “I just really need to pee….” I just really need to escape.

But the harder I try to walk away, the harder he holds my hand.

“Please Trevor…. I really need… to pee.”

Instead of letting me go, he stood up and faced me. he let go of my hand and then sighed deeply. f**k, here it is. I know that what he’s about to say would haunt me forever. I know that whatever comes would make me so weak that I would really runaway.

“You’re just saying that because I’m the only one here,” he started to say.

I was already expecting it. But why does it sting so much?

“You’re just used to me Camille. That’s not affection or like, that’s just Stockholm syndrome in another sense. It’s not real,” he added.

“How could you say that?” I exclaimed not wanting to look at him. Because when I stare, it would make him see me cry.

“Because it’s the truth. Don’t be confused Camille. You don’t really like me; you just don’t have a choice. When you get out of this island, you will see what I mean.”

My anger began to boil as my tears continued to drop on the cold floor.

“Is that what you think?” I asked with emphasis on every word that came out of my mouth.

“Yes,” he answered without a beat.

“You’re so stupid to think that” I exclaimed one last time before walking out of the door.

I didn’t like how my vision blurred with all the tears coming out of my eyes. I didn’t like how my heart felt like it’s being ripped out of my chest and being crushed into pieces. I didn’t like whatever I was feeling.

How dare he? And how dare I? How dare he question my feelings like it’s not even worth any attention from him and how dare I cry for a man like him? Was I too foolish to believe that maybe, even just a little bit, that I’d have a chance? That we have a chance?

Was I blinded by his caring stature, by his moves, by his stares and the way he has treated me? Am I the one who’s foolish to want to stay here and be with him? Have I become stupid enough to actually consider life with him?

Just like before, I walked towards the forest without thinking about anything. I just really need to get away. I needed to breathe because I felt like I’m suffocating inside that mansion. I feel like I’m going crazy and if I don’t get away, I would just really lose it.

Am I that unlovable for him to question what I feel for him? Have I become a laughingstock that even Trevor won’t believe my words? What did I f*****g do to deserve this pain? To be in this situation? Is this because I’ve been a rat my whole life?

Is this how heaven equalizes everything? By giving me heartaches to compensate for my almost perfect life? How do I f*****g move on from this? Where do I go? f**k! I just really want to go home. Please let me go home.

I was exhausted and even after minutes of walking, I can still feel the tears falling down my cheeks and the sobs I try to suppress down my throat. The tall grasses on the ground where I’m walking are harsh against my skin. And the sun is burning me like I’m some sort of a potato.

Even though I could hear the wind howling, it’s hot and not comforting at all. My feet are aching from all the walking I do and after a couple of minutes, I begin to feel thirsty. And then if let exhaustion.

I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to make anything work out for me on this island. I’m tired of trying to look at the good things. I’m tired trying to be happy.

I must have been waking for so long or I must be hallucinating already but I think I heard the sound of water crashing to the ground. I heard waves…. Is that the sea? To confirm my suspicion, I run the fastest in my whole life to the direction where I’m hearing the comforting noise.

I didn’t even think about the rocks or the grasses that I walk onto because all I want at this moment is to see the sea. To see that I’m closer to it, to touch the water. And I’m not wrong, behind the tall trees is a clear sea.

I took out my slippers and stepped on the white sand and I felt refreshed instantly. I feel like crying again just by feeling like I’m out in the world again. Is this what I have been missing? The life outside the forest? The life outside Trevor? Is he right all along?

No. Definitely not. He’s not right. He’s wrong and I would never forget how he stepped on my heart like I’m a f*****g loser. I’ll never forget how painful it is to be rejected twice by a man with the same reason. I’ll never forget the words that came from his mouth.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget it even if I want to.

I walked towards the beach excited to feel the water on my feet. The sun is burning my skin, but I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to feel free even for a minute. I felt the water touch my skin as I smelled that familiar salty smell from the sea.

I have never appreciated the sea before. I didn’t even like the sun because my skin burns easily. And my parents didn’t really want me in public spaces too much without a companion. Everywhere I go, there’s always people looking out for me. There's always someone ready to save me in whatever danger I might be in. even with girls who are pathetic enough to get physical with me just because their boyfriends liked me more than them.

I’ve always been sheltered which is kind of ridiculous to say when I frequent bars more than a typical woman my age. But I am. I am sheltered like I’m a freaking glass. Always protected, always guarded. At first, I didn’t like it, I didn't even like it until now, but I guess I just taught myself how to disappear.

I was actually surprised that my bodyguards didn’t even catch up on me the night I was kidnapped. Because they’re always on my back like literally even if I sneak out sometimes. I guess it was really bad timing for me to leave my guards that night.

Bad timing and definitely bad luck.

Because I’m here, stuck and hurt.

But seeing how vast the ocean is, seeing how it extends to places I can’t even see anymore, it just amazes me. It makes me feel like I can reach those places too. It makes me feel free. Free enough to feel and see all of this majestic scenery.

But then it was cut short when I heard someone’s voice from behind.

“Camille!” I didn’t even need to look back to know that that’s Trevor. I can’t. I just can’t face him now because just hearing his voice makes me want to cry my heart out again.

I didn’t know how I came up with the idea of swimming away from him. The water lever is already on my waist, so it was easy for me to dive and swim. I knew I couldn’t possibly get away from this island and survive.

I know that it’s not possible for me to swim my way out of this place. I know. But I’d rather be foolish than to face him. I’d rather be foolish than to hear him say those words again. I’d rather be foolish than to be hurt by him repeatedly.

But then I started to run out of air immediately after. I felt like someone’s pulling me down or is that because my arms and legs are already tired? I felt like drowning and the funny thing is, I didn’t think it was a bad idea.

And that scared me because I wasn’t afraid of death anymore. Is that because I believe that even death is better than feeling the way I feel now?

I wasn’t able to answer the question I had in my mind when I felt a hand grab my waist. And then just after seconds, I was above the water, and I could breathe. I open my eyes and I already know who’s in front of me just because of how my heart beats so fast.

I saw Trevor’s eyes filled with burning rage. I was scared for myself for a second.

“What the hell are you thinking?!” he shouted at my face as we both breathed deeply.

I was disoriented as I saw him with his red and burning eyes. He looked so mad about something. Is it me?

“Are you mad at me?” I asked with the tiniest voice I could muster.

“Yes!” he shouted again. But I just don’t know how to process everything that’s happening between us.

“I’m sorry….”

“You should!”