Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 20

My eyes flicked open when my stomach sounds created a loud grunt from within. I am starving yet, the first thing I saw was an open book of calculus.

I sighed. I didn't even make it to my bed last night and slept on my study table while studying. Thank heavens, it's Saturday— but, well I'm not really thankful for that. Saturday means a breakfast of words from my parents and my mentality is shaking. Litanies aren't really a good breakfast, it's a thorny meal. 

Taking a deep breath, I sighed once again before getting up from my desk chair. I still feel tired from this week. The travel from here to Aokigahara on the first days, school works and classes, and my check-up and sessions last Wednesday on my shrink— yes, I visited a shrink and it helps me a bit, maybe not on Saturdays. Mrs. Kana— my shrink will surely sigh on my weekend story.

Sorting my books, and papers on my study table, I cleaned all the trash first before going to my bathroom to take a bath. Cold shower for today, I need coldness. 

One of Mrs. Kana's advice was to keep myself distracted and busy away from my thoughts. Even in taking a bath, I should be focusing on cleaning myself and dive into thoughts that will make me embrace the darkness of vulnerability. 

I keep my bath neat and short. My soft white bathrobe is wrapping my pale porcelain skinned body in front of the whole body-sized mirror. 

‘You're so beautiful . . .’ 

Mrs. Kana's words rang in my head. She said it as soon as I stepped inside her office. Staring myself back at the mirror, I can't see what she saw. I should dry and fix myself, perhaps?

I blow dried my hair and combed it to it's black perfect tips. Then, I wore my undergarments, a white three-fourth button down blouse, and denim shorts that reached my mid-thighs. I went back in front of the mirror with my bare feet and smiled. I'm less prettier than my mother but, at least I look good, right? I do have body curves in the right places that I just noticed today, my porcelain flawless skin is exposed on the part of my neck, forearms, and legs. 

Looking typically pretty on my own eyes but . . .naked. Is this how people at my age feel whenever they go out with their fashionable stylish clothes? I'll be uncomfortable if I leave my room without a jacket. Sighing, I remind myself to take it slowly and carefully. 

Baby steps, Zyosei. I'll heal soon. 

I went through my closet and found a denim jacket that pairs my shorts, wearing it with my shoes— for sudden decisions, I decided to join the supper on the dining table where my parents are. 

My eyes delighted upon seeing pancakes— Japanese and American cooked, it's my favorite yet, the American pancakes are so unusual to have for breakfast in my patrimonial house. It accompanies the Miso soup, Tempura, Gyoza and Green tea on the table. I do hope I enjoy this supper.

My father signaled and we all praise whoever who prepares our food before began eating. The pancakes made their way to the plate first and I let myself savor every taste of it. 

“Zyosei, table manners please.” my mother said as the maple syrup made its way to my chin. I gracefully wiped it with my table napkin and proceeded. 

My father finished chewing his food before speaking. “It's from my former student who was so bright and attentive back then.”

Of course he has to mention the bright-attentive part. I disregarded it and continued eating before my appetite faded. 

“Her last name is Kana, from the family of doctors . . .” my nearly choked on my pancake upon hearing my shrink's last name in my father's mouth. “. . .she'll be a good doctor someday.”

I lost my appetite at that. They didn't know my appointment on my shrink, right? 

“You failed a test again, Zyosei.” My mother brought up the topic and I want to regret eating with them. 

“High school tests are easy, you should've nailed it.” Of course, it's so easy for them and of course they know how easy it is. They won't become professors at the University of Tokyo for nothing.

My mother stopped eating her Miso soup and sighed. “If you'll just study more you'll be as smart as our students.” she said it with a slight shaking of her head in disappointment. 

“If there is something that can motivate you to study, just name it.” my father offered nonchalantly and shrugged. “Hearing a failed test with your name on it is disappointing. There are a lot of unprivileged students yet you're settling for less. Learn to strive and be on the top.”

I hold my chopsticks more tightly and bite my lower lip, my stare is fixed on the Japanese pancake in front of me. 

You're used to this, Zyosei. This supper will be over in no time. I sighed and finished the small serving on my plate.

“I . . .I'll go and go to the library on the Metro.” I said, getting up from my seat.

My mother looked at me and my body. “You dress well today.” she complimented or just a plain comment that brought a small genuine smile from my lips.

That made my mood shift from gloomy to feeling pretty. I even went back to my room with that small smile that grew to my face. Getting my tote bag on my bag rack, I place my iPad, iPhone, wallet and other things inside, putting all the things I bring from my last visit to Souru in there, before walking down to the living room where my father is watching— more like analyzing the news on the flat-screen television. My mother might be in the kitchen.

“I'll go now . . .” I said in a small hesitant voice hanging on to calling him dad, or professor. I haven't heard myself call or address them properly ever since I felt empty and alone. 

Baby steps, Zyosei.

My father just nodded in response and I made my way out of the modern house I'm living in. The spring wind crashed on my bare legs as soon as I closed the main door. I clutched my tote bag tightly and began walking. My mother told me I dress well today, so I should be proud and confident like how she used to teach me when I was younger. 

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