Delirium

Mind reading hero

I couldn’t go to the party without my girls. It would’ve felt like betrayal if I would’ve went there without them after meeting new people. I didn’t fit in there anyway. Xaviar’s friends were really kind and I liked the girls but I didn’t feel like I would fit in there or feel comfortable. Maybe I just needed some time because I needed to get used to them if I wanted to spend more time with Xaviar.

We walked towards him and his friends. Greeting him in front of everyone always felt so awkward. I wasn’t used to hug him or any guy at all. Especially not in public but it was a party. I just needed to stop overthinking. It was just that I wasn’t the type of girl who talked to a lot of boys or got all touchy with them. I needed to get used to that as well. 

I introduced my girls to the new girls and the boys as well. I was glad to see that they got along very well. I thought it would be awkward but it didn’t make me feel as uncomfortable as I thought it would.

»Leah, I love your makeup between!« I said admiring her dramatic white eyeliner that matched her hijab. I was always amazed by her skills and the way she pulled off looks. Her face was so pretty and her skin was so smooth and somehow she managed to make strange things look really attractive on her. »Oh, yes! If I would try that, I would look like Nancy.« Alex agreed and I had to laugh. Nancy was a girl in our class that was a little different than the others... she was “the horse girl” that every class had. 

»Y’all are so mean!« Leah said but we knew that she had to laugh too. Nancy wasn’t that ugly... she was just weird. »V’s dress is beautiful too but I’m sure I’d still look like Nancy if I would wear it.« Alex said and I almost lost it. 

I turned around because I wanted to tell Xaviar something but I noticed that he was gone. That was weird so I asked one of his friends where he went and they told me to check the pool. I was asking myself how he disappeared that quickly but I was sure that finding him wasn’t going to be hard. I made my way through a few groups and people that were standing around until I reached the pool. Some were sitting on the edge with their feet in and some were actually swimming. I was wondering if they brought their bikinis with them or if they were swimming in their underwear. Most of them had drinks in their hands. Xaviar wasn’t around the pool. He could’ve been in the backyard. With that thought I made my way to the backyard and while I was looking down to make sure I wouldn’t trip over the threshold I bumped into someone. The fact that it happened to me again was unbelievable. I needed to stop being so clumsy and stop looking around while walking.

I looked up just to see who I already expected because my brain already saved the smell of him. I held my breath for a second when he asked »What’s up, Vanilla?«. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and opened my mouth to say something. Unfortunately it took me a few seconds to say something because the process in my brain took longer than expected. Did he mean what I thought he meant? Was that a nickname with a meaning? I was going to find it out. This time I wasn’t going to let him leave me in confusion. 

»Vanilla?« I asked, shaking my head shortly. He smiled and nodded. »Isn’t that what you are? How you like it?« he responded and my jaw dropped but I closed my mouth very fast. Did I just hear right? Did I get that right? Was he talking about what I thought he was talking about? Well, the tingles all over my body told me that I got it all right. »Are you drunk? How dare you ask me something like that?« I asked, trying to not cross my arms in front of my chest. He took a step aside since we were still standing on the threshold. I did the same to let the people pass. 

»I’m not drunk. I’m just curious and you already answered me. Thank you.« he answered with such a gentle voice and smile, as if he was talking about something completely else with me. He made a move to leave but I grabbed his arm out of reflex because this conversation didn’t end there for me. We both knew that there were things we needed to talk about. 

»Don’t make up your own answers.« I said, looking straight into his eyes, after he looked up at me from my hand around his arm. I let him go and he took a step toward me. The fact that he was taller made him coming close to me even worse because he seemed even more huge. I took more steps backwards and he took more steps forwards and for a second it felt like we were dancing until we ended up in a quiet and dark corner. That got me nervous because I knew that we weren’t in front of everyone’s eyes anymore and that probably made him feel even more free to act in a certain way, although I believed that he wasn’t that kind of person who acted different in front of people or hid his traits.

»So you’re telling me that it’s not how it is? That you’re not vanilla? That it’s the opposite?« he asked and it actually made me nervous because it added a tiny risk to the whole thing. It triggered me to either say the truth or just tell him to mind his own business.

»Yes. That’s what I’m telling you. Unfortunately that’s none of your business.« I kept looking straight into his eyes. He must’ve thought that I was challenging him because his smirk faded. »You just turned it into my business by pulling me back. Now speak. Tell me.« he said and the depth of his voice surprised me for a second. »What?« I asked, a little irritated. »How it’s the opposite.« he answered and I noticed the heat in my cheeks. I knew it was too dark for him to see how I was blushing but somehow I felt like he could still see it. Why was that so embarrassing that it bothered me?

»Suddenly you can’t speak, huh?« he took a step towards me again. So slow that it made me breathe slow as well. As if the air around me got heavier. I didn’t owe him an answer or anything else, yet I felt like it was a must to be honest with him. »You must already know what the opposite of vanilla means...« my voice got more quiet with every word and I looked away from his eyes because somehow saying that made me feel embarrassed and ashamed, as if I was admitting things that I’ve kept in for so long and it was unfair that it was him who heard the things that I’ve never said before. 

His smirk came back. It seemed like he was happy... amused. He took another step and approached me like that. I started breathing faster, uncontrollably.

»So... you’re telling me that you like it rough.. that you’d love it if would grab your neck and give it to you from the back until you can’t feel your legs because missionary is too boring to you...« my jaw dropped with his words and so did my heart. I tried to control my breathing and my facial expressions but it almost seemed impossible when I thought of the raspiness of his voice and the way he came closer. He was almost close enough to whisper into my ear if he would’ve bent down. I should’ve pushed him away but his following words made it impossible for me. 

»...if I would carve my name into your thighs and lick your blood all the way up to your pussy...«

I gasped desperately. I couldn’t control it. The fact that he had the nerve to say the things that I’ve been afraid to say or think shocked me. Actually he slapped me with the truth and I couldn’t stand it. How did it come that he knew about my desires? How did he know about anything? As if he knew what I was thinking or wanting. It was unbelievable. 

I felt his words all over my body. Especially around my lower abdomen and further down.. I couldn’t believe how he could make me feel this way just by using his voice and words.

»I f*****g knew it.« he bit his lower lip and that almost made my eyes roll back. He knew that very well and I hated that. »I f*****g knew it...« he repeated, way quieter, as if he was saying it to himself. That embarrassed me even more. He didn’t need to mock me with it. I couldn’t even open my mouth. That made everything worse because I couldn’t deny any of his words. 

He slightly bent down and I felt his warm breath near the skin on my neck. I held my breath. I knew very well that he wasn’t going to do anything in public or anywhere at all. He just couldn’t.. 

»You whore...« he whispered into my ear. I got goosebumps all over my body. Hearing it from him made it sound like a compliment that I’ve been wanting to hear for so long. Unfortunately a tiny, quiet moan escaped from my mouth and I hated myself for that in that moment. I was desperate but I didn’t need to give it away that quickly. He was amused because that was just what he wanted to hear. He knew what he was doing to me. He was playing with me and he knew very well that we both enjoyed it, yet I couldn’t let him do that. I pushed him away without looking at him and walked away from him as quickly as this conversation escalated. I didn’t look back at him. I didn’t want to see his face or how amused he was by this all. I should’ve slapped him. I walked straight back to the girls, although my body was burning and I wanted to get some fresh air. I needed fresh air because otherwise I was going to burn completely. 

»Did you find him? Hey, are you okay?« Leah asked and she seemed worried when she saw my face. If I would’ve looked into a mirror I probably would’ve been worried too. 

I turned around because I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. Ezekiel was still standing there... but he wasn’t alone anymore because Xaviar walked towards him and I started panicking a little bit. I totally forgot about Xaviar. I was thinking about telling him about what happened. It was the only right thing but I couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to upset him. I didn’t want to destroy this all. He could've thought that I wanted to get between them. Ezekiel probably would’ve lied and made it look like it was me who tried to make him go nuts. He wasn’t as calm and quiet as I thought. It seemed like he saw and knew more than I thought. I was confused and bothered. I felt really uncomfortable and wanted to leave but I couldn’t do that. Not until I talked to Xaviar. They were probably talking about me and Ezekiel was warning him about me. It was possible since Ezekiel kept looking over here. He knew exactly how to keep eye contact without making anyone notice. 

I was really curious about what would happen if Ezekiel would actually tell him about what happened. He couldn’t be that dumb to give away what an asshole he was. I was thinking way too much. They were just siblings who were talking to each other. 

»I’m alright. He’s over there and will join us soon.« I said and grabbed an alcohol free drink. I needed something for my dry throat. Swallowing my own saliva felt like swallowing dust. Leah didn’t seem convinced but it didn’t matter because Xaviar came back and she didn’t get the chance to ask me more about it. She knew me too well. Just like Alex. I was goin to tell them about it later. It wasn’t the right time. 

When I saw Xaviar walking towards me I tried to concentrate on his facial expression. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. I wasn’t even sure what he would’ve done if his brother would’ve told him about what happened a few minutes ago. 

»Is everything alright?« he asked. I didn’t even notice that he already reached me and put his hand on my arm. He seemed worried. I was frozen. »Yes. Seriously. It’s all good.« I answered but it probably wasn’t convincing enough because he still seemed very skeptical. It was the same answer every time. I took a sip from my drink and looked away, hoping that he would let it be. He did let it be and I tried to enjoy the rest of the night. I tried so hard to distract myself from Ezekiel and his words and the way he made me feel but his words kept repeating themself in my head. I didn’t want this to be a problem between us. I didn’t want anything between us. Even talking to him about things like these while I was on my way to have a great relationship with his brother was wrong. Why did he have to start with this all? Why did he have to trigger that side of me? 

We spent our time together until the party slowly ended. Almost everyone left, including the girls. We wanted to leave together but Xaviar wanted to drop me off and it was okay for them. Spending a little more time with him made me feel more comfortable too. I helped him to clean up while Ezekiel got rid of the rest of his friends. The one who was with him when he hit me with the football, stayed. Must’ve been his best friend. 

We were almost done when Xaviar said »I’ll check the second floor again, in case I missed something and grab my jacket so we can leave.«. I nodded and threw the last cups in the trash bag next to me, in the kitchen. I wanted to grab the bags to take them out but I froze when Ezekiel said »I’ll handle that.«

I looked at him and nodded before I washed my hands. »Why didn’t you tell him about what we talked about?« he asked, leaning against the kitchen counter. It got warm. Really warm. »What do you mean?« I asked, pretending that I didn’t know what he was talking about. That could’ve made everything easier. Pretending that it didn’t happen. It wasn’t a big deal anyway. »You could’ve told him about what I said to you but you didn’t. Why?« he asked, shrugging slightly. I took a deep breath. He was really forcing it and trying too hard. I didn’t answer him and he didn’t seem to like that but that just proved me that he knew exactly what he has done.

»You didn’t tell him s**t because I was right about it and you liked it.« he said and I looked around to check it Xaviar was coming back or it his friend was around. He could’ve been testing me. It could’ve been a bet. It could’ve been anything. He got me angry but I tried to show it off as good as possible. »The hell are you talking about?« why was it such a big deal to him? He approached me and I back off. »Don’t act stupid. You aren’t going to talk to him about what I said, right?« again, I could see that he was amused. Serious but amused. »You won’t because you know exactly that he’ll be pissed about it. If he’ll get mad at me or not is not what you’re worried about. You know that he’ll be disgusted by what we talked about... and that he’ll never do these things with you because he’s not into it.« 

I wanted to hit him right into his handsome face so he would stop telling the truth whenever he opened his mouth. I was about to explode but I needed to keep calm. It wasn’t fair that he knew about it, although I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t mad. I was embarrassed. Nobody has every noticed it before but he did, the first time he looked at me. I was embarrassed of talking about it to somebody else because it felt like this wasn’t me. Nobody would’ve thought that I would be into that stuff and it stressed me because I knew that it didn’t fit me in their eyes. I shouldn’t have cared about that but it wasn’t something simple like a bad habit or anything similar to that. It was something serious in my eyes... and in those eyes who were close to me. 

I slowly shook my head. He was right and we both knew that. He won. But that’s all. He said what I was afraid of right into my face. 

»Leave me alone.« I said after taking a deep breath. »Don’t deny it.« he said and approached me even more. I tried to breathe like a normal human being with a normal pulse. 

»Deny that you would love it if I would touch you in a way that nobody else has ever touched you.« I knew that he would say things that I didn’t expect but I didn’t expect him to grab my face. My chin ended up in his palm and he dug his fingers in my cheek while his thumb slid over my lower lip. I held my breath and my chin started shaking but I had to hold myself back to not show him what I wanted. He was really rough and I couldn’t complain. I should’ve slapped him... again... but I couldn’t. He got me weak. His touch burned my skin and the pain felt so good. I wished it would’ve left a mark. I wanted to slap myself for my thoughts because it wasn’t right. None of this was right but my thoughts were gone. My brain disappeared. I couldn’t control myself. Xaviar should’ve been the first person to touch me like that or touch me in any way. He should’ve been the one to make me feel this way but he wasn’t there and he wasn’t the one who saw what Ezekiel saw.

»Deny that you’re dripping right now.« 

I gasped when I felt his other hand between my legs. He touched me without hesitation and I couldn’t stop him. I held my breath. My head was spinning. It was way too overwhelming but I couldn’t let him do this with me. I wanted to scream. 

His grip tightened and I almost started whimpering. How did this all happen so fast? How did I allow him all of this.

»Come on, baby. Deny it.« he whispered and slid his thumb in my mouth. I let him do it. Feeling his fingers on my sensitive spot made my head fall back. »Good girl...« he said and I almost lost it. His voice went through my whole body. My stomach contracted.

Nobody has ever touched me like this. I’ve never let anybody this close to me. I’ve never allowed a guy to speak to me like this. I’ve been waiting for so long... I’ve been so patient because I was waiting for the right one and I was respecting myself. I’ve always known who I wanted to get touched by. It wasn’t Ezekiel but it was him who made me feel this way. He made all my daydreams come true. He didn’t hesitate as if I begged him to do it. I probably did with my eyes. He felt free to touch me however he wanted and I felt ashamed of myself for enjoying it. It wasn’t on purpose but what happened happened...

I almost made a noise but he stopped me. »Sshh.« he slowly let me go and the areas that he touched got cold. When he backed off I noticed how I was shaking and how nervous I was. Only then I realized what actually happened and that Xaviar was coming down the stairs. It made me panic so much and for some reason I looked into Ezekiel’s eyes, as if he could’ve helped me in any way. Surprisingly he winked at me and said »I’ll take care of the rest. Be safe.«. He grabbed the trash bags and left. I watched him leave with a dropped yaw, not being able to believe that he really comforted me.

He touched me in a way that should’ve been illegal, he made me shiver with just his voice, he grabbed the truth about me by its neck and shove it right into my eyes. He made every desire, every daydream, every concern, every piece of anxiety real. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do...