Delirium

Bad guys with broken hearts

He was waiting in the living room and talking to Graham -what I didn’t really like- while mom and I had a little argument in the kitchen. She wasn’t positively surprised by my little surprise.

»Valentina, you told me a lot about him and I believe that he is a good guy but you are not going to have boys over.« she said and I raised a brow. »One boy, mom. We won’t have a sleepover. He’ll just spend the night here.« I explained but she didn’t seem to care. »And I don’t like that. You are too young and you know what I’m thinking of it!« she was hard to convince but I wasn’t going to give up that easily. »I’m almost eighteen.« I snapped and she raised both of her eyebrows. That meant danger. »And you think you can do whatever you want when you turn eighteen? Listen-« I interrupted her because I didn’t want her to turn this into a lecture. »Come on, just this once. Nothing will happen. You can check every five minutes if you want.« it seemed like I almost got her because she got quiet. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and listened. That was a good sign. »You said it by yourself. He’s a good guy. You also have enough time to get to know him. Believe me, you won’t have to worry about it.« I continued and I knew I got her. She shook her head and took a deep breath. »Alright. But next time I want you to tell me before you invite someone and I’ll keep an eye out on both of you!« she was overprotective and strict but she was easy to convince sometimes. I smiled and gave her a hug. »Thank you. Don’t worry about it.« she knew how much it meant to me. 

»I won’t be a bad host. He can sleep in the guest room and we’ll have breakfast in the morning.« she said, trying to act like she was still serious. I smirked and nodded. 

We went back to the living room and saw that Graham and Xaviar were having a good conversation. We had to interrupt them but that wasn’t a problem because we got into a better conversation that was way bigger. Mom offered him something to eat but he wasn’t hungry so she brought us snacks and they got to know each other. It was a little awkward but that was normal. I didn’t have any expectations because it was really spontaneous. It still went better than I probably could’ve had imagined. I enjoyed it and he seemed to enjoy it too. Mom seemed to like him. I didn’t care about Graham’s opinion or thoughts but Xaviar obviously impressed mom and that mattered. She got more comfortable and calm with every minute that passed and that made me feel better as well. It was amazing to see that. 

They finally decided to leave around 11pm. Time passed faster than I thought. In this case if was a good sign. 

»I’ll prepare the guest room for you. You can have drinks and food from the kitchen whenever you want and Valentina will show you the bathroom and anything else if necessary.« mom said and smiled at him. I appreciated her so much because she didn’t disappoint or embarrass me. I owed her something. »Thank you very much. That’s really kind.« he was really thankful. She liked that. »Good night and sweet dreams.« she said and they left. I let the breath out that I’ve been holding in for too long. We survived it. »Your mom is really cool.« he said and I loved the smile he gave me. He was the cool one. We sat down on the sofa again. »Yeah, sometimes.« I said and quietly laughed. He looked at me. »So is Graham. Seems like a nice guy.« he was speaking more quietly. He knew how the whole situation with my dad and him and my mom made me feel. That’s why he was careful. I pressured my lips. We didn’t share the same opinion but that was okay. He didn’t know him well enough. Graham wasn’t a bad guy, he just didn’t fit in.

»Nah.« I shook my head and he laughed. »I hope this didn’t make you feel uncomfortable but not meeting them was impossible.« I said and he seemed unbothered. More like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. »I really liked it. I like her and Graham too.« he said and that made a lot of weight fall off my shoulders. »But most importantly... I like this.« he continued and got me confused. I tilted my head and look at him, trying to ask him what he meant. He looked into my eyes and cleared his throat. »I like you.« he said and my heart dropped to my ass. Was that really happening? I was afraid that I was dreaming. He noticed how helpless I was. 

»I realized that spending time with you makes me feel good. I enjoy being around you and I like you. A lot. I don’t know if it’s the right time to say it but I just need to say it because my moves didn’t make it obvious enough. I’m really bad when it comes to that.« he added and laughed. I joined him. I wasn’t sure if I heard right but it seemed like this all wasn’t a dream. His words made me so happy that I got really nervous and I didn’t know what to say, that’s why I was glad that he kept talking. 

»I’ve never felt this comfortable next to a girl. It’s never been so easy and unproblematic. You brought so much positivity into my life... I really want this to work out.« I never thought I’d actually make it. I never thought he would actually like me back and we would get this far. I couldn’t destroy this. I couldn’t do anything that would hurt him. I wanted this and I needed to do everything to keep it going. I wasn’t going to disappoint him. 

»Please say something.« he begged and I realized that I haven’t said a word. That made me feel bad. I didn’t want him to think that this was normal for me.

»Xaviar. I feel the same. I want this too. I’ve been wanting this for a long time. I just don’t know what to say because I’m really emotional right now.« I admitted. »I want this to work out more than anything.« I added. I wanted to say more but somehow I couldn’t. It would’ve been the right moment to tell him what I’ve been feeling and thinking for so long but the words didn’t want to roll off my tongue. My brain didn’t work... neither did my heart, although I was happy and thankful. It was unbelievable. I just needed to let it sink and get used to it. This was new to me. 

»I’m really glad to hear that. For a second I thought that it’s too early to talk about feelings and stuff and I was scared that you wouldn’t feel the same... but I’m glad.« he said and hugged me. He hugged me so tightly and breathed me in. I felt the urge to cry but I had to push it away. It wasn’t the right time. I just hugged him back and thanked god for letting me be so lucky. The hug lasted longer than I thought and I didn’t complain. It felt good. It felt so good that we decided to watch a movie and cuddle. There was still time to talk about things like these. I was a little nervous because I was scared that my mom would see us but I believed that she wouldn’t check on us just like I told her before. I grabbed a few blankets and something to drink. We still had the snacks that mom served us. I was this close to him for the first time and it felt better than I thought. I’ve always imagined how it would be if we would be cuddling and I was totally fine with how it turned out. It wasn’t as perfect as I thought because something deep down inside of me was keeping me busy in a negative way but I tried my best to let it go to concentrate on him and the movie. 

His touch was so gentle and his hands were warm. I loved how his fingers slid up and down on my arm... how his skin touched mine. I would’ve thought of doing different things with him but I was too tired and it seemed like he was tired too because we both fell asleep before the movie ended. 

Surprisingly his buzzing phone that was laying on the table woke me up. Usually I’ve always slept tight but this situation was new. That’s probably why I didn’t sleep as tight as always. 

I bent over to turn his phone off but it stopped and I didn’t want to be so nosey but I thought that it was something important because it was almost 3am and I was sure that the person wouldn’t have called two times if it wouldn’t have been so urgent. It was Ezekiel. He also left messages. A lot. I had a bad feeling about it but I didn’t want to wake Xaviar up because he already seemed stressed enough about it and stressing him more after such a comfortable moment wasn’t fair. It seemed like Ezekiel made Xaviar’s life really hard sometimes. I didn’t like that. I had no right to interfere but Xaviar mentioned that I brought a lot of positivity in his life and I wanted to keep that. 

I unlocked his phone with holding it in front of his face and opened the messages, not even knowing what to write. 

Xaviar: It’s me, Valentina. Xaviar is sleeping right now. 

Ezekiel: f**k wake him up

Xaviar: He’s sleeping really tightly. What’s wrong?

Ezekiel: i don’t care, i need to talk to him, wake him the f**k up

I knew it wasn’t my business and he probably didn’t want to talk to me but his reason was stupid and it got me mad. Did I mention that I had a lot of patience but lost ist pretty fast when I just woke up? He was so selfish and so annoying. I wasn’t going to make this easy for him. He wasn’t going to bother Xaviar again.

Xaviar: You can talk in the morning. Good night. 

Ezekiel: where is he????

Xaviar: With me

Ezekiel: obviously sherlock but where the f**k? at your place?

Xaviar: Yes. Let him sleep.

Ezekiel: omw 

My jaw dropped. He couldn’t be serious. There was no way he knew where I lived. How could he know? Why was I even asking myself that? It was obvious that he knew more about me than I thought and I didn’t even know how or why. 

I didn’t want him to come. I didn’t want him to be here. My mom would’ve freaked out if she would’ve found out about it. I needed to stop him or make sure that he would disappear without causing problems. He couldn’t just get in and wake Xaviar up or cause a scene. 

I couldn’t lean back and chill, as if waiting for him brought me joy. I was nervous. More than nervous. Who knew what his problem was and what he wanted. 

After ten minutes I heard a car pull up. I rushed to the window to see if it was him. It was him... his black BMW... he really came. He really knew where I lived. I held my breath and quickly walked to the door. I put my shoes on as fast as I could and opened the door, not forgetting to grab the keys. I tried my best to be as quiet as possible. I put the keys in the pocket of my high waisted jeans that I was still wearing. He was already walking towards the house. I walked towards him and stopped when I was standing in front of him... inches away from him. 

»Please get out of my way or go back inside and wake him up.« he said before I could even say a word. He was surprisingly calm and polite. He wasn’t drunk or aggressiv or anything else. If he would’ve at least told me what it was about I would’ve decided what to do but I couldn’t risk him to destroy this all for some of his stupid problems that he obviously had many times. Problems he caused by himself. 

»He was really tired. Can’t you handle it by your own?« I asked, trying to not sound like a brat or attack him since he was calm and I didn’t want to push him. He took a deep breath and tried to keep calm. It seemed like he got triggered easily as well when it came to something that stressed him. That was good to know but it was not the right time. 

»I need to talk to him and before you ask, no, it can’t wait.« somehow he looked like he was running out of time while I was shaking a little bit because it was colder than I thought it would be but I didn’t have enough time to grab a jacket anyway. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, hoping it would keep me at least a little warm. 

He tried to walk past me but I stepped in front of him and he didn’t push me away or grab me or did anything else that was harsh. He just stopped, as if there wasn’t any other opportunity to walk past me and looked at me. He was respecting my limits. He knew that I wouldn’t let him in because I didn’t want that and he was accepting that, although he wanted to see Xaviar so bad.

He slightly bent down and cupped my face. A move that didn’t fit the situation, the emotions or anything else in that moment. It was awkward but I didn’t move. I just looked into his eyes with a high blood pressure. He wasn’t going to kiss me... he was looking deep into my eyes and there was a honesty and a frustration in his face that I couldn’t explain. 

»Babe, honey, my cute little girl, I’m serious.« he said and confused me. No matter how much his words got me weak, they didn’t mean anything. Especially not in this situation. He was using his words to get me weak, to get what he wanted but he wasn’t going to succeed. 

Why couldn’t he just leave him alone and let him sleep peacefully. If it really would’ve been that important then he would’ve acted differently. He was just trying to get attention and he couldn’t handle his problems on his own. 

»First you tell him to not come home and now you want to disturb him?« I was losing my patience. He was really selfish and I hated selfish people. I was too tired for this. I was cold and tired. It seemed like he got angrier. He took a deep breath and ran his hands over his face. I was sure that it wasn’t a good sign but I knew that he wouldn’t lose his s**t.

»You-... I did this for him.« he said quietly but it was obvious that he wanted to raise his voice. It was surprising that he thought of the neighbors and the time and me. He could’ve been rude and rough but he was trying his best to keep calm, although something was obviously bothering him a lot. 

»Why can’t I believe you? The thought of you doing something for him seems surreal.« I snapped and it seemed like I pissed him off with that. »How would you know?« he asked with furrowed eyebrows. He was really pissed. »It’s obvious. You’re a huge egoist!« I said, right to his face. Suddenly he grabbed my arms and pulled me towards him. For a second I held my breath. His grip was tight but it didn’t hurt. He looked deep into my eyes and that hypnotized me. He was breathing heavily.  

»I don’t want to hurt you. Don’t test me... although I know you’d like it.« he was getting on my nerves. »Oh, shut up.« I tried to free myself but he didn’t let me go. His grip tightened and I gasped. He didn’t like how I was talking to him. »This is not about you, so... not today.« he said through his teeth. »You’re right. Not today. Leave.« I acted like a big girl but couldn’t deny that he got me weak. He let me go. My words were the opposite of my thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t cold anymore, my whole body was burning. 

He ran his hands through his hair and said »Tell him that I need to talk to him as soon as he wakes up.« he was serious. I wasn’t going to test him. I wanted him to leave before anything could happen. »I will.« I answered and he seemed satisfied. Still stressed but satisfied. I was asking myself what was so urgent that he had to come here for nothing, knowing very well that I wouldn’t let him do this. So urgent that he came here but not urgent enough to actually stop me from holding him back. It must’ve been something that was complicated. Why did he need Xaviar for that? Something was wrong and I was dying to know what. 

I called him selfish but I was blind. It was obvious that it was something that he was genuinely worried about. 

»Ezekiel... are you okay?« I asked, being a little ashamed of being so harsh and stubborn instead of as calm as him. I probably stressed him more. Even in the dark I could see that the was clenching his jaw. »I am.« he answered but I didn’t believe him. I had so many questions in my head... way too many. 

Suddenly he seemed so tired and exhausted to me that I felt bad for him. He came here in the middle of the night because he couldn’t handle something alone and now he needed to go back home alone again. If I would’ve been him, I would’ve felt really bad and lonely. Just because he was a guy didn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings. He was kind to me, although he was playing with me a lot- and he deserved the same kindness back. Unfortunately I didn’t know how to.

He slowly nodded and made a move because he was a bout to leave but in that moment I gently put my hand on his arm. So gentle that he must’ve believed that I was afraid to touch him. I was shy and nervous when it came to him. It was like I had to ask for permission before touching him or doing anything else. He looked at my hand and then at me. He was waiting for me to say or do something. So was I. I wasn’t sure if what I wanted to do was right but it was worth a try.

I slowly approached him, as if I was asking for allowance and hugged him when he let me keep going. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kept quiet. I wasn’t even sure if I did this for him or for myself but it made me feel something that I couldn’t explain to myself. It made me feel more than I thought. For a second I thought that he wouldn’t hug me back, so I wanted to let go and back off because I thought he wouldn’t want me to do this but he wrapped his arms around my waist so tightly that there wasn’t any space left between us. I got goosebumps when his nose tickled my jaw. 

He probably needed that hug because he didn’t let me go. He put his chin on my shoulder and stayed like that for a while. His grip tightened. I asked myself when he hugged someone for the last time. I didn’t know him well but he didn’t seem like someone who got touchy with everyone. For some reason that made me feel bad for him, so I didn’t let go until he did...