Powerless

Chapter 3

Next day, I was sitting in my bed staring mindlessly somewhere lost in my thoughts, too tired to start another day without any motivation or anyone to support me when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in." Aimal stepped inside slowly. She had bags under her eyes and overall looked tired. My heart clenched a little. "Sit." I patted the bed in front of me and tried to give her a small smile.

"I had been knocking for a while… were you in the washroom?" She asked.

"Oh, no I was not. I guess I was just lost in my head and didn't hear you." I said as I tried to make a loose bun with my hair.

A little awkward silence followed. I opened my mouth to say something when she said,

"Anyways, how are you?" She asked, dried tears at the corner of her eyes. My eyes were already stinging from all the crying I did earlier and today I had decided to start my day with a new goal. I sighed,

"To be honest, I have been worrying about mama mostly. She keeps staring out of the window for most of the day and doesn't talk much. And I am sorry for not checking up on you much but Faiz is treating you right, hm?"

That was my best attempt at deflecting the topic from me and my feelings.

"You don't need to apologize. You're already doing enough. Yes, Faiz has been very supportive and I also wanted to inform you that he and his family is coming today to meet mama and you."

I have to meet Hamad today, too.

"Oh really? At what time?"

"In just an hour or two."

"Okay, I'll be there and I also wanted to ask, when will you be starting your studies again, Aimal?"

She looked down at her hands at that, I already knew the answer that she was going to give me. Seeing my family breaking apart felt like my heart being broken and crushed under someone's shoes.

"Amara… I don't really have the heart to start studying soon. It's like life has stopped along with bahi."

She quickly wiped under her eyes, determined not to let the tears fall.

I grabbed her hands in my hands and kissed her palms then rubbed them softly to comfort her and said with a soft voice,

"You know Saif wouldn't have liked what you just said."

A sob broke out of her at my words. I had to stop breaking down myself.

"You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't you want to be successful? Have a good life with Faiz and your future cute babies? Yeah?"

She smiled through the tears but it soon disappeared.

"I do. It's just I cannot bring myself to believe in the 'whole life ahead of you' idea. You don't know when I-"

"Aimal! Please, don't say that. Please, you can't loose hope like that. Mama need you. I need you."

I was horrified at her words, my heart felt like it would stop at that moment.

"I am sorry." She cried as she hugged me, clutching me like a little baby as I rubbed her back and tried to comfort her as much as I can.

"I'll check up on mama before the guests arrive." She said after breaking the hug and getting up from the bed.

***

Fifteen minutes later, I was staring myself in the mirror.

Still looking the same except for the red rimmed eyes.

Still living.

Still alive.

My hands clenched into such tight fists that even my small nails were starting to hurt my palm. Then as if coming alive, I vigorously washed my face and then robotically did all my routine and stepped out after getting dressed.

Picking up my phone from the dressing table, I messaged Hamad to meet me at the park near my house in two hours. Then I made my way to the living room where the sound of Raeesa aunty's voice indicated the arrival of Faiza and his family.

Mama was sitting on the couch along with Aimal on one side and Faiz and his mother was sitting on the opposite couch. One of the single chairs was occupied by Shehryaar, who smiled and nodded in acknowledgement as I arrived.

For the first few minutes it was the same talk which I had been hearing for the past four days, that they were sorry and would pray that God gives us patience to survive this difficult time. But then it all went downhill when aunty said,

"Why would Saif kill himself? Was it because of work or did you two created any problem for him?"

The question was asked with such politeness that if we didn't give a polite reply back it would be as if we were misbehaving. But the question stung my heart. I briefly heard Shehryaar saying a "Mom" in a warning tone.

Did she just question our characters?

It felt like she was making fun of my brother's death.

My eyes went towards my mother whose eyes had filled with tears, and that was the last resort. I stood up abruptly,

"Aunty please, we cannot deal with this right now. I think you should take your leave. Mama needs to rest."

That was the most nicest thing that I managed to say to her at that time.

Her eyes widened in returned and then she bitterly laughed,

"It must be you! You drove your brother to cut his wrist. Must be having an affair with someone, you wh-"

"Enough!" I heard Aimal's voice through the ringing in my ears.

"Faiz, please take your mother and leave. She has said enough."

I found myself sitting down clutching my hair tightly, numb to the surroundings.

"Amara…" Aimal squatted in front of me. "They are gone." She said as she swiped my hair with her fingers trying to calm me.

Clearing my throat, I stood up

"Aimal, take care of mama. I'll be back in an hour or two. I have to leave for an important work. Don't worry if I get late, I'll message you."

And with that I got out of my house not before hearing Aimal call my name in worry.

Walking slowly and numbly towards the park, I reached there in ten minutes and sat down on an isolated bench. All I wanted to do was to scream my heart out.

Bahi where are you?

There's nobody to protect your sisters.

Did you- did you get fed up of us?

Please where are you?

Answer me, dammit!

Damn these tears! Why won't they stop?!

I was an hour early from the time Hammad amd I decided to meet at the park so I just strolled through the park and watched the ducks. At some point I found myself sitting again on the bench, with an old tree stick in my hand and I was drawing the same line on my wrist that took my brother's life. It was unlucky of me not to have a sharp stick. I tried dragging it across my wrist again and again until I didn't realize that my movement turned harsh. Same voice ringing in my head again and again,

You drove your brother to cut his wrist.

You drove your brother to cut his wrist.

You drove-

"What are you doing?!" Someone said in a guttural voice near me and the next second the stick was thrown out of my hands. I looked up to find Hamad standing near the bench, eyes filled with fury.

"I-"

What was I trying to do again?

He abruptly snatched my wrist which had a few marks on it, It was also then that I noticed that one of them was bleeding a little too but it was too little, not anywhere near how much my brother must have. And then I found myself getting dragged out of the park with him having a firm hold on my arm.

"Where are-"

Angry eyes glared at me, "Shut up."

Okay then.

My back was soon pushed against his car door as he slammed his other hand near the hood of the car near my head, making me flinch. His other hand still held my injured wrist tightly but the hold was not painful.

"Don't you dare do any stupid thing to yourself." He spoke through a clenched jaw.

Was that worry I heard in his voice?

"It was nothing-"

"You made yourself f*****g bleed!" He glared at me. I opened my mouth to defend myself but

"Shush. Not. A. Word. Get in the car."

"I am not going anywhere with you. I just came to talk."

"Hell you're not! Get in. We'll talk when your wrist is taken care of."

And then I found myself getting pushed in the car and taken to his home.

It surely would be a long day. I sighed.