Her Broken Mind...

chapter 11

Dr Black was relatively average looking with his small build but he was tall. He had deep black hair with a few stray greys flecking through his full hair but his piecing blue eyes drew your attention away from his neglected scabbed skin which I presumed was most likely psoriasis that he'd given up on. I'd say early or mid forties in age. But he was kind and his voice gentle. He asked me several questions that seemed pretty standard. Then after about 15 minutes he started slowly edging into his real questions his first being "so what's her name?" I looked at him confused before I could even ask what he meant he looked up from his notes and said "your other personality?"

I don't have schizophrenia" I blurted out panicking that they thought I was completely insane. "Oh my dear girl I'm not saying you have that but you do have someone in your mind that seemly protects and speaks out for you when you can't right?"

Looking away ashamed I nodded meekly. "So what's her name? Or is it a him?" He asked gently I looked up feeling ridiculous "her names Jez, but I created her so I could talk to people online" I told him rapidly. He scribbled something down in his notes as he said "intresting" and looked up at me again and after a while began to ask questions about Jez. I told him the first time she emerged without me consciously chosing to be her. And he kept writing notes and asking more questions. He seemed genuinely interested in her and the way I spoke as though she wasn't me, but that's because to me she wasn't me. I created her I knew this but the more I pretended to be her the more real and separate she became. He commented on the feisty behaviour she had and asked why she's allowed to be that way but not me. I told him I couldn't be that way because I'm not her. I care if I hurt people's feelings or upset people. She doesn't she could give a toss who you are or what you've got going on behind the scenes because to her if you made the mistake of irritating or angering her then your going to suffer the consequences. Dr Black forgot himself momentarily and spoke softly you are allowed to share your feelings with others too and he rested his hand on my leg. I was instantly uncomfortable and whilst I knew he meant no harm and was only trying to comfort me Jez wasn't having any of it. And in a spilt second I was once again locked away in my safety box in my mind and Jez was here to voice her two cents.

"Get Your Hand off of her leg NOW!" She barked at him through gritted teeth. His eyes lit up in astonishment.

"Hello Jez, it's nice to meet you" he said quickly removing his hand. She rolled her eyes at him and jeered "I bet it is for you, I mean come on an old boy like you getting to talk to a nice pretty young girlie like me your brain must be celebrating"

He did a double take and began to stammer "I...t it's no...not like t...that"

She had caught him off guard and I found it mildly amusing that what Jez could do to any guy she met she could still do to a trained mental health professional. "C...can I a...ask you so...some questions?" He asked his voice finally settling itself at the end. "Try me" Jez encouraged smirking whilst examining her nails. Dr Black was scribbling furiously whilst listening to her every word intently. Although the last bit she said caught him off guard again making his brow furrow deep in thought as concern flecked through his facial features. "She may have created me but I don't need Cassie she needs me" I knew it was true I needed her and she didn't need me but it still hurt hearing it.

After finishing his notes he asked if he could speak with cassie again and she looked at him and sighed "yeah but your going to have to back up because if your that close she's not going to get out her poxy box"

He slowly backed up and held his hands up and in an instant Jez pulled me out of my box and pushed me front and center. "Your turn" she laughed as she blew me a kiss and shimmied her back side back into the recesses of my mind. Oh boy this was going to get annoying fast. Dr Black kept his distance wanting to keep me talking asking more and more questions until my stomach growled and he looked at his watch for the time. What I had thought to be only an hour possibly two had been five! Jez had taken more time than I thought she had. Dr Black excused himself as I got my shake and began to sip it and Dr Manning came in with Eva. "How was the session" they both asked simultaneously. Eva was taking my vitals as I was explaining the oddity of the whole thing and they both chuckled. Dr Manning asked if I felt ready to start trying to move onto actual food and my mind reeled in a panic and as I was about to freak out he said it would be liquidated food like soup just a little bit thicker and I nodded meekly.

They started with a small water glass full of chicken and mash with gravy blended up into what looked to be the grossest sludge I'd ever seen. Worse than baby food. It tasted better than it looked but not by much. But I took a teaspoon at a time eating slowly. After 30 minutes had passed I'd gotten half way and couldn't do anymore. My stomach had started hurting again and they gave me orange juice to drink which helped settle it a little but the dull ache was still there. After three pm came I instantly called my brother asking after Lily.

He brought her up to see me and had brought her Mc Donald's on the way she was thrilled she told me all about her day and last night and Warren had her in fits of giggles the entire time with his jokes and funny faces. I felt myself settle down. The entire time Lily was on my lap cuddling into me. Stroking her hair as Warren told me about everything that was going on with mum and nan I began to feel angry. How dare they play the victim mum has always put me down. And whilst I know my nan doesn't mean it nasty she still helped mum do this with her constant nit picking. I could forgive my nan in time but not my mum. She was the reason I got fat in the first place. I had no issues with weight as a kid I was healthy and she would make me go on stupid diets with her just because she was fat. Putting in my head that I was fat too at 10 years old. My mother is a narcissist who has spent my entire life making me feel inadequate. With each "diet" she put me on I would end up gaining weight rapidly.