Her Broken Mind...

chapter 6

I heard Lily talking to my mum asking "why's mummy poorly?" My mum looked at her as I began to stir and she looked angry "because mummy has been very silly" her voice was stern as usual "w..what?" I rasped my mouth dry I looked around the wires were back along with the beeping I tried to sit up but I was strapped down to the bed I panicked looking around wildly I needed to be let up I couldn't breath and I was beginning to hyperventilate the machines beeped rapidly and nurse Eva came over. "L...l..et m...me g...g...go" I rasped between rapid breaths. She looked at me and sighed "I'll unstrap you if you agree to keep calm" I nodded my head and she began to unstrap me steadily. I looked over a Lily and opened my arms for her she jumped up and hugged me "are you OK mummy?" Lily asked looking scared. "I'm okay baby I'm fine I was just a little dizzy I'm okay now" I croaked as hugged her tightly stroking her hair. My mum looked and my impatiently "wh...at?" I rasped. "How long?" She asked folding her arms in disappointment. Typical.

Handing me some orange juice, nurse Eva looked sympathetic towards me. I tentatively took a sip and cleared my throat "What do you mean?" I asked my mum. She glared at me anger clear on her face, "don't play stupid!" She snapped as I shrank back into my hospital bed. "I don't remember" I whispered. I knew it had been over a 3 years atleast. I looked at my mum and said in a small voice "when waste last time I had weighed myself at yours?"

My mum gasped and her hand covered her mouth she knew it has been a long time. She reached in her hand bag and went for her phone both her and my nan were keeping track of my progress back then and she scrolled through her phone. "What's today's date?" She asked the nurse as she was searching through her memos "it's the 24th of September" not needing to state the obvious that it was 2022. As my mum found what she was looking for her eyes darkened. And looked at me in horror. "You've done this to yourself since January 3rd 2019!" Her voice a hiss of disbelief. "Nurse would you mind getting the scales please" I looked to my mum pleading with my eyes. I couldn't bare to see my weight I was so ashamed that I was still so obese. "Please don't make me mum" my voice cracking with tears unshead. She saw the shame on my face and the fear. Her eyes softened towards me. "You don't see it do you?" I looked confused towards her "see what?" I asked and she sighed "just stand on the scales" she grumbled in frustration I did as I was told as nurse Eva placed them besides the bed. As I stood on I couldn't bring myself to look tears flooded my eyes and I scrunched them together refusing to look.

"Look Cassie" my mums voice bellowed I shook my head refusing. I just couldn't the shame swallowed me. "Now Cassie" she commanded. And I shook in my body the fear making my legs wobble. I felt sick. But I don't as I was told. I slowly looked down opening my eyes. 8 stone 2 pounds. At 5 foot 8 I was actually underweight. I was shocked. Tears streaming down my face I sobbed. "This isn't right this is a lie!" I screamed as I crashed back onto the bed. "If that's the case then I wouldn't be so fat!" I screeched as I clawed at the fat around my abdomen bunching it in my hands "see!" I exclaimed gesturing as I held it in my hands and began to sob once more. My mum had never been a warm person nor had she been much of a hugger but in that moment she had sat on my bed and pulled me into her lap as I sobbed uncontrollably. I was broken both physically and mentally. I couldn't see what they all could. As my nan came into the room I looked down at my hands in my lap. She looked guilty. As she came closer her eyes widened.

For the first time she was seeing clearly what her words had done to me. How they had broken me. "I'm so sorry Cassie" her voice cracked and I heard the guilt apparent on her face. I looked up "why?" I asked and she looked down. I was clearly still disgusting to her, I clearly hadn't tried hard enough. 'Ugly, fat, worthless, pathetic she can't even look at you your so disgusting' the voices in my head swirling as they jeered at me. "Because I pushed you and now your in here because of me" her voice was but a whisper.