Her Broken Mind...

chapter 7

"It's okay mummy" Lily cooed as she placed her small hand on my chest. "Don't cry mummy, please your going to be okay" her voice was soft and as I looked at her I could see she was scared for me. I reached out to her as she climbed into my arms and I stroked her hair "mummy's okay now baby don't worry" I whispered to her as I kissed her head as she rested her head on my chest. The nurse had heard my nan and started to approach us all together. "What do you mean you pushed her?" Nurse Eva asked. My nan looked broken. "I kept pushing her to stay on her diet" she whimpered "I didn't think she'd take it this far" my mum looked at my nan. "It wasn't just you I pushed too" she stated dejectedly.

Eva looked at both of them and then looked at the clock. "Visiting hours are over" she stated sternly. "No" I sobbed "I don't want Lily to have to go" I practically cried the nurse looked at me and smiled "she can stay if you promise to eat a full meal" I nodded hastily and agreed. I would do anything to just be near my baby. "Okay we'll get a room for you so she can stay, but you two need to leave." She glared at my nan and mum. The hostility clear. She did not like them evidently. Although I wondered why.

Nurse Eva left to make arrangements whilst my mum and nan said their goodbyes. When they cleared the room Eva came back in. "So what are you going to be having for dinner today?" She asked cheerfully. I looked at her and Lily answered for us, "cheese and broccoli pasta! With extra cheese" she was so excited. I nodded my head in agreement I was to exhausted to argue. Nurse Eva nodded with a grin and headed off to sort everything.

The doctor came in to talk to me and as he spoke he asked me questions about what my dress size was, why I hated my body and what I was doing to lose the weight. I answered them when I told him my size I felt ashamed. He looked shocked which made me feel even more ashamed. When we was done talking Lily was asleep on my side and I asked if I could have the wires removed. He looked at me "after you've eaten" he said sternly. I nodded.

As they moved me and Lily into our room she began to stir and I stroked her hair. "Hey sleepy girlie" I whispered as her eyes fluttered open. She yawned "hey mummy" she said sleepily "whens dinner?" She asked. I smiled at her. "They're bringing it in now" I said softly. She grinned. They brought in two trays both with cheesy pasta and broccoli and a smattering of extra cheese. And two little pots of jelly with a small bowl of ice cream each. And two cups of water.

Lily squealed with delight. She ate with gusto as I slowly pushed my food around my plate. I knew I had to eat but I felt sick. Eva looked at me and said "you agreed to eat if I let Lily stay so come on" I placed the first fork full into my mouth and began to chew slowly fighting the urge to vomit. I had to eat so Lily could stay with me. I made my way through my meal each bite fueling the bile rising in my throat. Lily had finished hers as I got a quarter of the way through and started on her desert.

She was chatty and excited feeling like she was having a sleep over talking to Eva.

I kept trying to keep eating and Eva was watching me intently. She looked worried. "Are you feeling sick trying to eat?" She asked softly. I nodded. She looked at me "okay take a break and drink some water" she gestured to my cup. I took a sip and hoped the feeling in my stomach would settle. It was beginning to hurt.

I doubled over in pain as the cramps increased Eva rushed over to me as Lily looked frightened and Eva pushed the button on the side of my bed. The doctor came in with another nurse as they spoke in hushed voices. "What's wrong" I asked as the next wave of pain seared through me the bile rising fast.

I couldn't help it. I tried to keep it down. I didn't want them to take Lily from me. But as I fought it, it came up fast as Eva grabbed the sick bowl just in time. Tears streamed down my face. It burned as it churned coming out of me. They all looked at me concerned.

"We need to do a gastroscopy" the doctor stated matter of factly to me after I had settled down when he finished speaking to Eva. I looked questionably at them and they explained they needed to run some tests to find the root cause, because even after I passed out previously my body had rejected the food previously from the day before whilst I was asleep. So they knew it wasn't just a mental state. I agreed to the tests but Lily wasn't allowed to stay by my side during the procedure so they got her to lay down on her bed and I held her hand until she fell asleep and then they moved her bed to the other side of the room as they ran their tests.

They didn't tell me much as they went over the tests and as they continued their examinations several nurses came and took bloods. Nurse Eva looked shattered I glanced at her. NHS nurses done a thankless job and she had been on shift since 6am this morning and it was coming up to 8pm "Nurse Eva?" She glanced up at me and smiled "yes?" She replied.

"When do you get to clock out you look shattered" I asked. She looked sheepishly at me "umm" she glanced at the clock "in about 2 hours" she shrugged. I gasped in shock appalled. "But that's a 16 hour shift!" She nodded solemnly "someone's gotta do it" she yawned. The doctor looked at me and raised an eyebrow "You keep track of the times?" I nodded I couldn't help it I just do it. I looked at my daughter sleeping. And looked at the doctor. "Could you bring her too me now the tests are done?" He placed her next to me in the bed and walked out the room. I looked at nurse Eva. "Are you staying in here with me till your shift is over?" I questioned. She nodded. "Good, go lay down on the spare bed I won't tattle" I chuckled as she looked confused at me "your dead on your feet, your yawns are making me yawn get some rest" I said softly. She smiled sheepishly and nodded as she made her way over. "Don't worry I'll wake you if your needed" I reassured her.

20 minutes after she was due to clock out a doctor came in to talk to me I shushed him and he raised an eyebrow. "Her shift ended 20 minutes ago and no one came to relieve her so I told her to sleep as I'm fine" I whispered he nodded and whispered to me "your tests have come back" I looked at him "can they wait?" And he nodded "good now do me a favour" he raised an eyebrow again at me "could you take my card out of my purse and go and get some brownies and a strong coffee from Costa downstairs please?" I kept my voice low He nodded "thankyou" I whispered.

As he went out the door. I waited and it seemed like forever and finally he came back up and put the coffee and brownies on the side as I got up. "Thankyou" I said as he grinned at me. He looked at me and said "so your feeling better then?" I thought for a moment the pain had dimmed and I didn't feel dizzy so I nodded as I walked over to Eva. I gently tapped her shoulder holding the coffee and said "hey there, it's clock out time" she moved slowly opening her eyes and smacking her dry lips together eyed the coffee as I haded it to her. I laughed "its costa, strong 3 sugars just like you told Lily you liked" she smiled warmly as she took it in her hands and brought it to her lips and took a sip. "Thankyou" she said as she smiled as I handed her the brownies and she grinned. The doctor eyed us suspiciously and I laughed at him. "She's been kind to me... it's only right I reciprocate.. although I'm not able to do as much as I'd like" I trailed off. They both smiled at me.

The doctor had to go make his rounds but Eva stayed a little longer to chat to me as she saw me getting restless. Not being on my normal routine was making me feel a bit on edge. She asked about what I did for fun and how I kept myself entertained. She then asked about what I actually do for myself. I looked at her puzzled I had just told her what I do. She looked me in the eye and spoke solemnly "sweetie that's not stuff for you, that's stuff for others, the exercise routine is for your family to stop critiquing your body, the cleaning and babysitting you do to help your friend out although she doesn't sound like much of a friend and everything else is for Lily... what do you actually do for you?" I paused I couldn't think. "I don't know" I shrugged apologetically.

We changed the subject and Eva told me all about what she does outside of work and we laughed. She yawned and I could see she was feeling tired again so I asked her if she was going to get home to bed and she nodded said goodbye and left. I layed down cuddling up to Lily and fell sleep thinking about everything. What could I do for myself truly? How could I possibly live my life for me and still be everything I am for Lily. I couldn't even begin to think how it could work. As I drifted I thought of all the things I used to do. And all the things I used to love.

The morning came and the bright light flooded the room. Lily was still sleeping as I slowly moved off the bed I had to get a shower and get her breakfast before she woke.

Trying to shower with all the wires and tubes was weird. As I stepped out and wrapped a towel round myself I peeked through the door I had left ajar. She was still soundly asleep. Good. I thought to myself. I went through the bag of clothes my mum had brought with her and put on a long top and leggings.

Nearly catching the cables repeatedly. As I exited the wet room I slipped my sandals on and walked to the door of my room. I saw the coffee lady and waved. She came over. "Hi um I'm sorry but um I need to get my daughter breakfast before she wakes up can you um help me?" I asked awkwardly. She chuckled and smiled at me. "Sure... what does she like?" I paused and thought what was the quickest option because she would be up soon "umm porridge with blueberries?" I asked rather than said and she smiled at me "sure... they'll bring it in shortly" I smiled at her and nodded as I said "Thankyou" and walked over to the chair as I sat down.

A few minutes later I heard the door and they had brought in Lily's breakfast and a shake for me. I smiled and thanked them. I was used to shakes and knew I could keep them down. It was different from what I was used to and it tasted like a really strong latte.

It was nice. I sipped it slowly waiting for the porridge to stop steaming. It would be far to hot for Lily like this.

Lily stirred as I was finishing my shake. And I looked to the porridge it was ready now. I carried it over to her and placed it on the movable tray holder in front of her she sat up and dug in immediately. She smiled enjoying her breakfast talking between mouthfuls telling me about her dreams I laughed smiling at her.

When she finished I took her for a shower and changed her into the clothes mum had packed for her knowing I would of needed them for her. When she was dried and dressed we sat on the bed as I braided her hair whilst she talked to me about everything she did the day before.

When the doctor came in he smiled at us and asked Lily if she wanted to go with the nurse to the play room. Her eyes brightened as she gushed yes! And the nurse that appeared behind the doctor came over and took her hand as Lily skipped off to go play blowing me a kiss shouting "love you mummy see you soon!"

The doctor showed me my notes as he explained what was wrong with me. The basic gist is I would have to start to build my food intake up in small amounts whilst sticking to the shakes like this morning but instead of only two shakes I would have to drink 4 a day and atleast 2 slices of toast one in the morning one in the evening and build it up over the course of the next 8 weeks. My heart plummeted. I didn't want to put weight on I still needed to lose it those scales were faulty clearly.