Her Broken Mind...

chapter 8

The doctor left the room and I reached for my phone. There was loads of texts I had missed two 'dates' crap I thought frustration filled me and had 9 missed calls from the school. My mum and my nan had sent me texts asking if I was okay. I text back 'get me out of here'

Seconds later they replied 'no' frustrated I threw my phone on the bed.

I had to get out of here. My desperation to get out was evident. When Lily came back I smiled at her, she had drawn me a picture. The lady who had brought her back left us alone and shortly after a new doctor came in. They didn't seem like an ordinary doctor. His greying hair and wired glasses were nothing out of the ordinary but the way he spoke like I was a caged animal he didn't want to spook told me he was a psychologist. He asked me questions and my replies where caged. Cautious. I didn't trust him.

After an hour of nonsense he left with his notes. And my normal doctor came in with a surprise. He had brought me some jeans and a t-shirt that had guns and roses designs on them. He must have spoken to Eva. I stepped into the wet room to change as he asked me to try them on. As I came out I held the jeans up. They were far to big. I blushed "thankyou dr Manning, but umm the er jeans are a bit to big..." I trailed off my face flushing red he smiled "They're size 24 like you said you are.." I looked at him "isn't that strange" he finished he looked at me intently and I felt my arms and chest flush the same as my face.

"I've got several pairs I'm several sizes just incase" he winked at my as my ears turned pink. He handed me the next pair to try on. They was still too big. I tried the 16 then the 14 then 12 and 10 when I got to the size 8 they fit. I thought he was playing a trick on me. I felt angry. "What game are you trying to play" I snapped hurt he was playing some cruel joke on me. He looked unfazed and calmly held his hands up "check the labels" I checked. As I was ready to start a skinny nurse walked in and chirped "so does she like them?" I looked at her and smiled I was going to outsmart this doctor with his joke. "What size are you?" I blurted out she looked at me "size 10 why?" I looked at her as my face flushed again "could you try these on?" I handed her the size 10 jeans and she went to put them on not questioning why I glared at Dr Manning. When she came out she gave a twirl and giggled "these make my booty look fantastic" she wasn't wrong they fit her perfectly my mouth dropped open and my brain wouldn't work. Dr Manning looked at me and smiled "it's ok Cassie" he said moving closer to me "sometimes our brains like to hurt us by showing our perceptions differently to how we actually appear" he looked at Lily coloring quietly and then looked back at me and chuckled "children don't lie about how you look why don't we ask Lily?" I nodded silently and he walked over to her "hey Lily I've got a question for you can you tell me what your mummy looks like to you?" Lily looked at him and then at me and smiled "I've got a very pretty mummy she used to have a big bum but now she has a little bum but it's still a very noisy bum" her voice was full of joy and mischief as she giggled. I flushed beetroot red. And Dr Manning laughed "see" he said raising an eyebrow at me "noisy bum?" He asked and I covered my face from embarrassment.

"Will you take a big step with me?" He asked and I looked at him questionably "will you look in the mirror with me and take a picture with me?" I looked bewildered and felt like I wanted to run I didn't like my picture being taken and had avoided it for nearly 6 years and I didn't look in a full length mirror because all I felt was shame. I didn't know how to explain it. "Please?" He asked again I slowly nodded knowing it was just one step to getting me out of here sooner. As we walked to the staff room with Lily she bounced excited to explore.

As we walked my anxiety peeked. I wasn't ready. As we entered the room he guided me to the full length mirror and I cried. All I could see was a obese blob next to a slim tall doctor. Before I could stop him he took a picture of us and then he showed me. Through my tears I couldn't see properly and I blinked to clear them.

When my vision cleared I didn't recognise the girl in the picture. She was tall but had a tiny waist that didnt match her ample breasts. Her red hair was rusted looking and her skin was pale. Her eyes was sunken into her face. Her bone structure was clear. And her blue eyes were faded almost lifeless despite the tears prominently flowing down her cheeks. Is this what I looked like? I felt confused. I held the picture in front of me as I looked in the mirror again. My vision and perception of reality was slipping. It was like the mirror was an old style static TV when you had to hit it on the side to make the picture come through clearly. What have I done to myself? Was my last thought as the dark spots danced in my vision darkness enveloped me.

The beeping of the machines surrounded me as I heard the quiet whispers of the doctor arguing with my mum and nan. They wanted to take Lily home with them and the doctor was having none of it knowing full well she was my everything and the way to get me better sooner. Anger ran through me. They made me like this with their sparky comments. Now they have the audacity to try to take away my daughter like this.