Monstrous

2

                                                                              Autumn Marie Tyler

    In the halls, in class, at the recent football games, in the lunchroom, even outside of school. We saw each other, we just didn’t interact or even acknowledge each other's presence. It was like we were strangers. Maybe in a way we were. Time raced by impatiently and before I knew it almost three weeks had gone by since me and Nile kissed at that party. It was the first week of October. The season grew colder, and I had been going to group therapy my mother signed me up for. At first I hated it, but it helped me open up and confront my own pain, and also see other’s who had lost a loved one. I even made new friends, had sleepovers, movie nights, little meetups at the football games, I was getting better. Police detectives had reopened my sister’s case, and I was due in court back in Maine in January. My parents refused to tell me anything I knew something bad was on their minds, I could see it in their faces, but since they saw me finally adjusting, neither one of them wanted to jeopardize that. My mother hadn’t told my father she was pregnant, I don’t know what her plan is when she shows but I’ll be there to mediate.  Everything at school seemed to rush by me, the jokes and the teasing were still there but silent. I didn’t let it bother me anymore. Everything was just normal.

    “I liked today’s session, it was relaxing, and we shed fewer tears” I let out a soft chuckle and Jacob nodded his head agreeing with me. It was Wednesday afternoon, classes were over with and our group therapy session meeting had just ended. Roxy and Bella had gone off to a study session. Me and Jacob went to Flora’s hanging out a bit before we parted ways for the day.

    “Nah, it was too light. I like when we all cry, it makes us more human” Jacob pulled open the door to Flora’s, the small bell above the door alerted the shop of our entrance. Jacob motioned for me to walk in first and I smiled, nodding at him. The smell of Flora’s was so pleasurable to the senses, sweet cinnamon with a hint of hazelnut and vanilla.

    “Hey losers-” Jessica, a friend of mine whom I shared a few classes with, worked at Flora’s. We had come so often she had given up on greeting us formally. She stood at the cash register with a grin spread across her lips.

    “Hey, we are just going to put our stuff down. Then order” Jacob rolled his eyes playfully at Jessica, my eyes wandered between the two of them as they exchanged looks. Jessica looked down as her grin grew wider.

    “Well, if you two are on a little date. I suggest staying for vinyl night. I won’t be working but surely you two lovebirds will love that old geeky s**t” Jessica looked back up as her grin lessened, Jacob shook his head and let out a soft laugh.

     “I hate vinyl, I didn’t think they still made that s**t” He commented. My annoyance took over me. I balled up my fist and sent it colliding with Jacob’s arm. Both he and Jessica exchanged laughs. I had a love for vintage things, the diner, vinyl, 90s movies, sometimes even the style. 

    “Vinyl is timeless, you uncultured swines. Now Jacob, I need a word with Jessica in private” I motioned my hand over to an empty table in the shop and Jacob threw his hands up getting the message. He walked off and once he was out from a hearing distance, I turned back to Jessica and leaned over the counter.

    “You like him” Jessica’s eyes widened at me and her eyes darted back at Jacob. A grin so wide grew on my lips as she turned back to look at me, She shook her head vigorously but her attempt to deny her crush on him only confirmed it more. I backed away from her, nodding my head, and she shook her head at me. Once I turned fully away from her, I knew it would be soon to play matchmaker.

    A few hours had passed, the day slowly dipped into night. Me and Jacob were sitting at a table quietly engaged in our own things. He was staring into his phone and I glued my eyes to a math textbook. I had a test on Friday and even though it’s an easy class, I would still like to brush up on a few topics.

    “Fuck..” Jacob groaned, that brought my attention away from the algebraic equations and up at Jacob who was glaring down at his phone screen. I pulled out the pencil I had in between my lips and shrugged gently.

    “What is it?” I asked, a hint of curiosity lit up inside of me. I couldn’t help it. Jacob went on silent. He was so focused on whatever was in front of him, my question was left neglected. It was probably nothing, I thought to myself. My eyes dropped to the book and my fingers latched onto the page, getting ready to turn it.

    “It’s Nile..” Jacob breathed and everything in my body froze. My breathing had stopped altogether. Jacob dropped his phone onto the table and right then and there I prepared to hear the worst. It had been two weeks since I had seen him. His bruises had faded but it also like he did too. He was quiet in class, he always wore a hoodie over his head, he kept his head down. There were times Adam or any of his friends tried to interact with him, but he wouldn’t respond, as if he was dead inside. At some point, I had wondered if he had depression or any kind of mental illness to explain these behaviors. Every time I glimpsed his face, he was pale, his eyes were empty, he showed no signs of life. It was like that the first week after we kissed. Then he just stopped showing up. I hadn’t seen him in school or around town recently.

    “He hasn’t shown up for football practice since last week, he has been dodging everyone’s phone calls, even Adam’s . His mother had even texted me, asking me if I knew where he was. I know that fucker is alive because he is still buying drugs from Romeo-” Everything in my body resumed its action. The page I held dropped from my fingertips as if it was concrete. At last, I took in a sharp breath and pressed my lips together. The mention or the thought of Nile hasn’t crossed my mind in a while. Every time I thought about him, I pushed those thoughts away before they could poison my mind. My eyes went back to skimming the page of its math functions, not wanting to invest myself on the topic of Nile Cale.

    “Have you seen him at all? I know you guys share a few classes” I exhaled and lifted my head up from the book and shook my head softly.

    “No, I haven’t seen him in class since the week after homecoming. I don’t really pay attention to him” My shoulders shrug and Jacob looked at me, a bit of annoyance left my voice unwillingly and he definitely picked up on that. Jacob nodded faintly and picked his phone back up from the table and concentrated on that. The feelings I had for Nile were pushed so deep down inside of me until I didn’t feel it anymore. My life, once miserable and worthless finally found some purpose. I was happy with where I was at and where I planned on going. I didn’t want Nile to complicate that, the last thing I needed was that toxicity. My fingers ran through my hair pushing it out from my face. We sat there in silence for another thirty minutes before Jacob announced his departure.

    “Alright, I’m gonna go. Want me to drive you home?” Jacob stood up from his chair and I brought my eyes up to look at him. He pulled his arms through the straps of his backpack and slid his phone into his jean pocket. I smiled at his offer but I shook my head to decline politely.

    “Nah, I’m going to stay for vinyl night. I might buy some for my mom and so she can play it for the baby” Jacob walked around the table rolling his eyes playfully at my response, he bent down and gave me a tight hug. I watched him walk out of Flora's and the sound of the bell lingered after he left only for a few seconds. Then I was alone. I sat there with a half-eaten donut and an empty iced tea. I decided to call it a night on studying and closed my text book. I pushed it off to the side. My arm propped up on the table and I rested my chin in the palm of my hand. I soon became an observer, I watched people come and go, have small conversations, buy a few books along with vinyl. As the day sunk deeper into night the shop became more deserted. No one around my age lingered the shop, maybe because the teens in my generation didn’t take the time to appreciate the things that came before us. I too didn’t appreciate the past, but once I lost my sister and myself, I found myself longing for it. Oh God, I miss her so much. I wondered what she would be doing right now, watching a movie marathon with my parents who would still be together or here with me wanting to blast Adele throughout the shop. My cheeks became hot and my vision began to blur. Wanting to avoid the waterworks, I stood up from my seat and walked up to the front counter.

    “Hi, where are you vinyl selections?” I asked an employee who was setting up the record player to the shop’s speaker system. The middle-aged man turned away from his task and pointed into the room with the tall book shelves. 

    “On the table, you should see it right when you walk into the book room” I nodded gently at his directions and turned away from the employee. The book room was down a short hall from the front entrance and dining area, it was a spacious room with a couch and a few tables and chairs tucked underneath them. The newly placed vinyl table was right in the entrance of the book room on a long rectangular table that held crates of vinyl ordered alphabetically. Knowing which one I wanted to get I went right to the ‘A’ section.

    As Adele’s soothing voice filled the shop, I sat there reminiscing about the times I had with my sister. You would’ve thought a mental breakdown would come to me by now but it didn’t, a few tears streamed down my cheeks as my mind bathed in the memories of my loved one. I pulled the sleeves of my oversized fuzzy red sweater past my fingertips and balled up the extra fabric in my hands. I love you so much Mariel. I didn’t know how long I sat there for, I was in my own head when his voice erupted violently bringing me out of my daydream.

    “Shut the f**k up” He said in a pokeful manner. Nile wore black distressed jeans, with an oversized sweatshirt that drowned his frame, black combat boots, and a beanie that was pulled far down his forehead right above his eyebrows. My eyes narrowed at the sight of him, he had looked so different I contemplated if it was actually Nile or if I was just imagining things. Nile took a few steps into the shop and followed him were five other guys I had never seen before. All wearing black, had piercings and tattoos. No shape or form was I judging them based on appearance, but I didn’t get a good vibe from the group. They had mean stern looking faces and a suspicious demeanor, Nile did too. It made me wonder what he had involved himself with or who is the better question.

    “Hurry Nile, we’re going to be late. Get me a donut too” One of his friends had said, he had a pale complexion and brown eyes with a tattoo of a skull on his neck and both his eyebrows pierced.  He definitely didn’t go to our school, none of the group of boys did, I would’ve noticed them. Did Nile drop out? It would explain why he hasn’t been showing up to school.

    “You can’t be late to a party, nobody gives a f**k about you Del” Nile said chuckling, Del, I presumed, held up his middle finger, then he and the other group of boys retreated upstairs to the second level. The loud group of boys had disrupted the serenity of the shop with their loud vulgar language. I had left my gaze on Nile for so long, I didn’t realize him scanning the shop, and a split second before he landed on me I dropped my eyes down onto the table. It had been a while since I last saw him, I bit down on my bottom lip, I still sensed his eyes lurking into my soul. The last thing I wanted was Nile to have this kind of effect on me, so I let go of all of my nerves, and brought my head up. I didn’t want to believe that I had flattered myself so much into thinking Nile even acknowledged my presence. He was talking, well, more like flirting with one employee. She let out a gentle giggle and Nile leaned forward onto the counter. Disgusted that I had let myself take so much interest in what he was doing, I took a deep breath and went into my bag, pulling out my laptop. A little writing wouldn’t do me any harm. With Adele faintly playing in the background and the shop being close to empty, surely this was the place to fully break down into my writing. My fingers would hover over the keys, but my mind was completely blank, causing me to look past the computer screen. Nile stood there nonchalantly gazing up at the menu. He had probably ordered his usual disgusting black coffee, but he wanted a little snack or an appetizer to go along with it. He was so predictable.

    “Here is your black coffee and velvet donut, Nile” A small chuckle escaped her lips as she handed him his coffee and a small brown paper bag containing his friend’s treat. My eyes rolled softly at the girl who had been trying so hard to get Nile’s attention. 

    “Thanks Georgie” Nile responded, he backed away from the counter and before he turned I dropped my eyes down at my computer screen and typed away jamming my fingers onto the keys. I wrote absolute nonsense, there was nothing I wanted more than to see him and his buddies leave so that this place became stress free once again. After a few moments of me hitting my keyboard trying to give off some kind of illusion that I was busy, I pulled my hands away assuming that Nile had gone up. My head lifted up and I was met with his eyes, although they were red and puffy they still had that blue-sliver color that I couldn’t even put into words. He just stood there a few feet away from my table with his hands occupied by the drink and the brown paper. His lips were parted gently and his face was just blank, as if he didn’t know what to say or do. He took a single step closer to me, he was hesitant and I was confused on what was going on.

    “Hey..” He finally breathed out, it seemed like he was holding in a deep breath. A faint smile pressed to my lips as I closed my laptop and slid it over next to my textbook. Nervously, I fidgeted with the ends of my sleeves. It had caught Nile’s attention and immediately I brought my hands out of sight and hid them underneath the table.

    “Hi..” I responded faintly. Me and Nile didn’t end on good terms, I didn’t know where we stood or how to speak to him. Everything was so tense and confusing. Nile returned my smile by carving a grin on his lips. He stood there shifting where he stood, I wondered what was going through his mind. 

    “Do you want to sit?” I motioned to the seat in front of me, I didn’t know what I was doing. I saw him standing there and I knew if I had let him leave the probability of me talking to him again was slim to none and if something bad were to happen to him, it would have eaten me alive. Nile tightened his jaw and looked up to the upper level where his friends sat. He looked conflicted  but in the end he nodded and walked up to my table. Nile pulled out a chair across from me after he placed his coffee and the brown bag onto the table. We hadn’t been this close since that night, his smell was different, I couldn’t exactly put my hand on it but it definitely gave a bitter sweet feel. Nile let out a deep sigh before he reached up and pulled off the beanie that masked his hair. Once fully off his black hair fell in front of his eyes, he combed his fingers through his hair pushing it back from his field of view.

    “How are you? You look different, like um-” Nile dropped his beanie onto the table motioned to me chuckling softly. 

    “Like, a good different” He corrected. Nile leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. I don’t understand how he could be so calm and collected. My head nodded and I pressed a smile to my lips. 

    “Yeah, I’m great. Better than before. How are you?” I leaned forward onto the table losing my nerves just a bit. It wasn’t like me and NIle couldn’t have a civil conversation, we just didn’t know how to talk with each other. 

    “I’m good..” Nile nodded and brought the lid of the cup to his lips. He silently drank on his coffee and I sat there watching him. My throat cleared at the sudden silence that had invaded upon us. His answer was vague and quite simple, I believe that there was more to him than being ‘good’

    “It’s a little late to be drinking coffee don’t you think?” I thought a small joke would be a good idea to break the silence between us. Nile, who didn’t seem to pick up on the amusement, simply shrugged while he set the coffee cup down.

    “I sleep during the day so..” Nile leaned forward and folded his hands on the surface of the table. His answers had no emotion behind them, his eyes were dead. What was going on with him?

    “Is that why you haven’t been to school in two weeks?” I eased into the question. Nile stared at me with his cold dead eyes making me shift uncomfortably in my seat, he stared silently before looking away, my eyes focused on the tightening of his jaw.

    “School isn’t my priority right now, alright?” Nile brought his eyes back to meet with mine. His voice was softer, he sounded tired, like he didn’t want to go into depth about the subject. I brought my hands out from underneath the table and emerged them from the confines of my sleeves before folding them and also placing them onto the table.

    “What about your mom? Have you talked to Charlie?” Nile didn’t answer my questions, he pressed his lips tightly together. He inhaled sharply before shaking his head faintly. There was so much more going on with him, I recognized the pain he was trying so hard to hide.

    “Nile, what's going on with you?” I whispered, I started thinking with my emotions that have been compressed for a while now. My hands eased out and placed them onto his folded ones. A shock of electricity ran through my body as our skin made contact, his hands were icy cold and rough beyond words. Nile who was shocked by the small action looked at me with slightly parted lips and wide eyes. I didn’t think he would react but his eyes glistened and his breathing quickened, he licked his lips and shook his head before hanging it low.

    “I’m f****d up Autumn, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore..” His voice trembled, I tried bringing my head down to get a glimpse of his face, but he wouldn’t allow it. There was this wet warm feeling on the back of my hands, I looked down and a small but noticeable drop slid down the back of my hand and onto the table. Nile took a deep breath and brought his head back up to look at me. His cheeks were shining with wetness and his eyes were even more red than before. Nile moved his hands out from underneath mine.

    “But you’re good. You’re happy. It’s not your job to worry about me. Hell, we aren’t even friends..” Nile chuckled gently, trying to cover his pain that was coming through the wall he had built to conceal his emotions, his vulnerability. My mouth opened wanting to say more but the coldness of his hands latching onto mine silenced me. 

    “Take care of yourself, alright?” His hands squeezed mine as he brought them up to his lips. He pressed a warm kiss to them with a bit of a forced smile. I didn’t want to admit it, but parts of me began missing him, I knew we weren’t anything to each other, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about him, that I should be happy that he isn’t around after all the pain he has caused me but there was a small part of me doubting. Nile held my hands against his lips for a moment, and I enjoyed the warmth of his lips against my skin. He held my eyes. He kept a still face but tears streamed down his cheek endlessly. The moment came when he pulled his lips away from my hands. Gently he placed them back onto the table before getting up swiftly from the seat.

    “N-Nile..” A soft whisper escaped my lips as they trembled. Nile didn’t look me in my eyes. It was like he refused, he grabbed his coffee and the brown paper bag off the table and turned away from me. The group of boys who had walked in with him were walking down the stairs engaged in their loud conversations. I shot up my chair refusing to let walk away from me, 

    “Nile!” I screamed. Everyone who had been in the shop directed their attention onto me. The boys stopped midway on the stairs and looked at me with confusion all over their faces, then back onto Nile who had stopped abruptly. He stood there with his back towards me, and all I wanted was for him to look at me, to just sit down and tell what was wrong. Instead, Nile stormed out of the shop. Everyone stared at the scene, questioning what had just happened. His group of friends stared at me for a few moments before they all ran down the rest of the stairs and out the door. The eyes that had laid themselves upon me had slowly peeled away, focusing on their own personal business. My body that was suddenly too heavy for me to carry dropped back down into the chair. My eyes caught the attention of the black beanie he so carelessly left behind, I bit my upper lip grabbing onto it, I balled it up in my hands longing for his warmth. Stunned, I was stunned. I didn’t want to admit, especially not to myself but I was heartbroken.