Write About the City

Chapter 11 - I remember everything

Sa paggising ay hindi agad bumangon si Jessie. Hinahanap niya ang pinagmulan ng gumising sa kanya. Ang phone niya palang nagba-vibrate. Nang tingnan iyon ay si Emerald pala.

“Hello, Jessie?” patay ang boses nito. “I’m sorry kung nagising kita.”

“What happened?” tanong niya sa malat na boses. 

“It’s our baby… oh my god…” Bigla ay humagulgol ito. Wala siyang maintindihan. “Hello, Emerald? Choppy ka. Wait, I can’t hear you.” Bumangon na siya. Nang maintindihan ito ay para na rin siyang itinulak sa mismong lugar kung saan ililibing ang namatay nitong anak. The baby was nearing nine months when it happened. It was chaos. They flew to Bicol immediately and watched a closed casket funeral. The parents didn’t want to see their angel’s face lying in a small coffin. It was ruled out as SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. 

Ni minsan ay hindi niya nakita ang sanggol ng personal, sa mga litrato lang na pinapadala nila Emerald at Sergi. Hiyang-hiya siya sa sarili. Walang siyang magawa o masabi sa dalawa na makakatulong upang maibsan ang sakit. And no one is mentioning the baby’s name as if everyone is ready to forget the wee child altogether. 

Imagine your child sleeping and see him blue the next morning. 

Wala siyang maapuhap na salita.

Emerald’s distant with Sergi.

Sergi, on the other hand, while coping with their loss, is trying to win his wife again. 

They are all spectators. The eyes, the ears, they feel everything. 

It was Sergi who gave the eulogy to the immediate family and friends. “My dearest angel, for all the months I’ve held you in my arms, you gave new meaning into our lives. I thought when I married your mother, I achieved my greatest purpose. I thought I was good because she chose me over legions of suitors, but when I heard your cry and saw your wrinkly fingers as you clung to your mother, I knew we’d love you forever, I knew then the softest, untainted love I’d give you. Handa akong ibigay ang lahat. Pinaramdam mo sa amin na masaya ang maging magulang. Ikaw ang dahilan ng bakit at paano namin sa buhay.” 

Jessie choked when she heard that and Sergi didn’t hide it. Napayuko siya sa narinig. The same words she uttered, now being spoken by Sergi in his most crestfallen state. 

“Wala… walang tatapat sa kasiyahang ibinigay mo sa amin. Hindi ka namin malilimutan, anak. You made everything colorful and blinding that we cannot stop smiling. We can’t see past your smiles, all the sleepless nights are worth it. Hindi ko inakalang magiging tatay ako sa edad na ito, pero mas lalong hindi ko inakala na mawawala ka ng ganoon kadali, na hindi pa tumutuntong sa unang taon. I love being a parent.” He broke down crying. “Now I’m not anymore. I’ll miss you forever, I love you, and I’ll never forget you, our angel.” Just because the baby died, you stop being a parent, she thought.

It was Tito Simon who hugged Sergi when he came down from the pulpit. He cried in his father’s arms, Emerald sat motionlessly. 

Hindi na niya kaya ang nasasaksihan kaya lumabas na siya ng simbahan. Sa labas ay natagpuan niya si Ignasi. Hindi ito makatingin ng diretso. Namumula ang mga mata nito habang nakatiim-bagang. Tinabihan niya ito at nanatili siyang tahimik.

Tumingala si Ignasi sa langit at sinapo ang mukha. “Jess… I’m sorry for everything.”

Napalingon siya rito at kinunotan ito ng noo. “What are you talking about?” Na parang hindi niya alam ang ibig sabihin nito.

“For everything,” tahimik nitong sagot. “For turning you down, for being the worst guy, to this day, I regret hurting you the way I did. I only wished I could be gentle even when I’m hurting.”

“Wala na ‘yon.” Sa puntong iyon ay sigurado na siya, siguradong-sigurado. Pero parang hinaplos ang puso niya sa narinig. Parang nanghina ang mga tuhod niya at gusto niyang maupo bigla. “Sorry din.” hinging-paumanhin niya. 

They collected themselves and went back inside. 

It was the closure she waited for a long, long time. 

When it was all over, everyone was still offering their condolences and cleaned up the house of Emerald and Sergi. Nasa kusina si Jessica at tumutulong sa pagluluto. Kasalo niya si Emerald sa gawain. Hindi ito kumikibo, hindi rin ito umiiyak. Sabi nito ay naiiyak na nito ang lahat nang umagang matagpuan nila ang sanggol. At kahit ilang beses pa raw ito dumaing at umiyak, hindi raw niyon maibabalik ang anak nila. Nang hindi niya makayang panoorin si Emerald sa ganoong estado, nang hindi na niya ito makilala, ay para siyang masisiraan ng bait, basta na lang niya ito kinabig at mahigpit na niyakap. Nasagi pa nila ang iilang kagamitan sa kusina at naglikha iyon ng ingay. Walang may pakialam sa kanilang dalawa. Mas hinigpitan ni Emerald ang pagkakayakap nito. Walang gustong bumitaw. Bumaha na ng luha sa kanyang mukha, ganoon din ang nagluluksang ina. “I’m really sorry…” basag na wika ni Jessica. “I’m sorry, Emerald. We all want to be here for you and Sergi and please don’t push us away, especially your husband. You are all that he have. Please, please, please, don’t blame yourself. It’s nobody’s fault.”

“He’s too young to die, Jess… such a wee baby.” Halos hindi na niya ito marinig. “I remember everything.” dugtong nito. When she said those exact words, she was thinking of Lucas. Now it was Emerald’s turn to speak those words and give it a different feeling the same when Sergi gave the eulogy. 

Jess is heavily influenced by Call Me By Your Name, and she wonders, did it hurt the same when Emerald said it the way Oliver declared it over the phone? When they say they remember everything, do they truly have a flashback in full episode or they just remember what they felt and how it left an impact that would forever go on hence the pain and unbreakable connection to that distant memory? She wants to ask Emerald, how would she forgive herself, how is she going to cope with this, this, the unendurable moment.

Sadness flooded her, and she couldn’t imagine how on earth they can stand and be in front of them, the audience watching a show they can’t fully grasp, and how they only know the surface of them hurting and not even the half of it.

The baby’s pictures and photo albums would sit in their living room for all time.

“I spoke too soon. I was planning all the birthdays and the holidays and the school…” said Emerald in almost a whisper. 

“Emerald, please…” Umiyak na siya sa balikat nito. “Feel everything that you have to feel right now. We are not taking it away from you. But never, ever blame yourself. Nandito lang kaming mga pamilya at kaibigan niyo ni Serg. Nakikiramay kami. Pero kayo lang ang nakakaalam kung gaano katindi at kabigat itong nararamdaman ninyo. I don’t wish to take that away from you, I just want to lessen the pain. I wish I could lessen the pain.”

Tinitigan siya nito. “You don’t understand. When you lose your child, you can never go back.”

Hindi siya nakaimik. Naabutan sila ni Sergi sa ganoong tagpo. Tinakbo ni Emerald ang asawa at mahigpit itong niyakap. Hinalikan naman ni Sergi ang una sa tuktok ng ulo. Mariin itong napapikit. Alam niyang ilang araw ding malamig ang pakikitungo ni Emerald sa asawa nito. Nahabag siya sa nakita. Dalawang taong hindi alam kung paano patatawarin ang isa’t isa sa salang hindi nila ginawa. Pagmamahalang hindi alam kung paano lalabanan ang ungos na dumating. 

Inabala niya ang sarili sa pagligpit ng mga nalaglag na kagamitan. Mabagal ang pagkilos niya. Ubos na ang enerhiya niya simula pa lang nang tumuntong siya sa pamamahay ng dalawa. Napakalungkot dito sa loob ng bahay. Walang makahinga. Mahahaba at malalalim na hininga na lang ang ginawa niya upang pigilin ang nararamdamang pag-alpas ng iyak. Nang balikan niya ng tingin ang dalawa ay si Sergi na lang ang naiwan. Malungkot siya nitong nginitian. “Magpapahinga lang si Emerald sa kwarto,” balita nito. Nilapitan siya nito. Siya naman ang yumakap dito. “Serg…” Hindi niya alam kung paano iyon dugtungan. Gusto niyang sabihin na mahal na mahal niya ito, na sana sapat ang pagmamahal na iyon para maibsan ang kalungkutang bumabalot sa katauhan nito. Natatakot siyang baka sa alaala na lang niya makita ang dating masiyahing sina Emerald at Sergi. Hindi niya iyon kakayanin. “Nandito lang kami para sa inyo.” ang naidugtong niya.

Yumuko ito. “Alam ko.” Inabot nito ang kamay niya at pinisil. “Salamat.”

Sunod-sunod ang patak ng luha nito. “My baby…” bulong nito sa hangin. 

“You need to rest,” aniya. Nangingitim na ang ilalim ng mga mata nito, wala na ring kulay ang mga labi nito. “Sumulong ka na. Kami na ang bahala rito. Siya, mauna ka na.” aniya.

Tinakpan nito ang mukha at patuloy sa pag-alog ang mga balikat nito. Niyakap niya ang kaibigan at ipinikit ang mga mata. Nanatili sila sa kinatatayuan nila. Ilang tao na ang dumaan. Kung gaano sila katagal doon, walang nakakaalam…

“I’m leaving,” aniya pagkatapos ng katok sa pinto. Sina Mel at Dominic ang nabungaran niya sa kwarto. “So soon?” tanong ni Mel. “I can’t stay anymore,” ang sagot niya. “Ang hirap na makita sila ng gano’n.”

“Stay. They need us.” si Dominic.

Sa likuran niya ay nagsalita si Ignasi. “Huling umalis ang mga magulang ni Emerald. They need to rest, too. Tito Simon is traveling back to his rental cabin.”

“Tell Jess to stay.” ani Dominic. “Stay, Jess, Emerald and Sergi extended their invite till the end of the month or the year or till Christmas. Ayaw nilang maiwan nang silang dalawa lang.” si Ignasi. Pumasok na sila sa tinutuluyang kwarto nina Mel. Inilapag niya ang hawak na bag. “Sure.” sabi na lang niya. She doesn’t have the strength to argue about it. Inilabas ni Mel ang banig at kutson. Doon na siya naupo. “I’ve never heard of SIDS till now.” ani Dominic. 

“I’ve read about it.” piping sabi niya. 

“Just like that? Sudden unexplained death of a baby?” manghang wika ni Dominic. “How is this fair?”

“Nothing is fair, hon,” si Mel kay Dominic. “Nothing.”

“Bakit hindi pala nakarating si Cameron?” si Ignasi, inilayo ang pag-uusap sa tinutumbok nilang direksyon. “I miss that brat.”

Lumikot ang mga mata niya. “M-maselan iyon ngayon, eh…” mahinang sagot niya. Nagtaka ang tatlo sa sagot niya. 

“Ano ang ibig mong sabihin?” si Mel na hindi nakatiis nang hindi niya itinuloy ang pagsasalita.

“Don’t tell the grieving parents, but she’s pregnant.” balita niya. Lumiwanag ang mukha ng tatlo. 

“Hey,” si Ignasi. “Congrats!”

“You’re gonna be an official Tita.” si Dominic. “Congrats.”

“I’m so happy for Cam!” piping tili ni Mel. “I know we shouldn’t feel festive, but this is the hard truth. It’s a cycle. Someone would take over that role… being a parent. Life and death.” anito nang mahimasmasan. 

“Alam ko, Mel. Kailan ba ang tamang panahon para ipaalam sa kanila ang balita?” aniya. Walang nakasagot. O mas angkop ang walang gustong sumagot. Hinayaan na niya iyon at nag-ayos na siya sa pagtulog. Sa lapag na siya natulog, sa sala si Ignasi, at ang mag-nobyo naman sa kama. 

Nakapikit na siya nang marining niyang umingit ang kama. Dumilat siya at nakitang nakabaling sa kanya si Dominic. “Creepy,” bulong niya rito.

“The other day, I was listening to this song called Alaskans. At the end, you could hear Bukowski speaking. And he said: when you take it away, make it as if I were dying in my sleep instead of in my life, amen.” anito.

Nakatitig lang siya rito, hindi alam ang ire-react.

Nagpatuloy ito. “I developed a liking to songs that includes speeches such as The Shower of Charles Bukowski, so in love with the voices of strangers in a muffled, distorted voices and then I’d try to make sense of what they’re saying and ending up looking it on the Internet, mindblown with their expression and knowing that the guy invented the bomb relating himself to Vishnu when he took his multi-armed form, saying ‘Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds’. Or it could be John Lennon speaking two days before his death or Bukowski crying because he remembers Linda and the five years they spent together.” 

“Your point being,” tahimik niyang sabi.

“That I know at some point in my life I have to stand in that pulpit, kung hindi man ako ang mauuna, and that I have to prepare a speech for a roomful of people. I can handle the room, but not the speech. How can I stand there when they can’t hear me? How would they know that I will forever be missing them? Funeral is for the living anyway, I don’t see the point in taking so much effort to put up a eulogy.”

“You’re scared of what to say. You’re scared we will judge you by the things that you will write.” she guessed.

“That’s why I take it upon myself to tell everything to my loved ones, I better myself every day, I try, by saying I love yous, by saying simple greetings that could light up the room. I… I don’t… what am I talking about? Hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko.”

Hinawakan niya ang nakalaylay nitong kamay mula sa kama. “Ayaw mong dumating sa punto na maghahanda ka ng isang speech para sa yumao.”

Sumilip ang mga luha nito. “Hindi ko kakayanin… Ang mahihiling ko lang sa dalawa, kina Em at Serg, ay, exactly that. When you take it away—I forgot this part—do it slowly and easily, make it as if I were dying in my sleep instead of in my life.”

Humigpit ang pagkakakapit niya rito. “Amen.”

“By the way, Jess,” si Dominic ulit na dilat na dilat pa rin. “Sinong ama?”

“Cam?” mabilis na tanong niya. “‘Yong Spencer.”

“I see.”

“Why’d you ask?”

“Could you imagine Cameron being a mother?” Binuntutan nito iyon ng mahinang tawa.

She stopped herself from saying, ‘Did you imagine Sergi being a father?’. It hurt like hell. Umungol siya at ibinaon ang mukha sa unan. “Cameron can be many things,” ang naging tugon niya. 

“How are you, by the way?” tanong pa ulit nito. Someone’s gonna keep her up till they hear the birds sing. “No, really, kumusta ka?” masuyong tanong nito. Hinaplos nito ang ulo niya at hinawi ang ilang buhok na tumabing sa mukha niya. “I’ve done some awful things to you, Jess.”

Malungkot siyang ngumiti. “I’m free from it now. Ignasi’s happy, I’m starting to feel happy again. Nagi-guilty ako kapag naririnig ko ‘yong sarili ko na sinasabi iyan ngayong katatapos lang ng libing.”

“Who’s making you happy? The writer? You’re still on with that?” 

“That, maka-that ka riyan. But yes… I braved the shores of Dumaguete just to be with him. We went places and explored the city. The city that I feel like was built and nourished around us, I’m saying that because it made us feel welcome and loved, in return, we’re giving it a shot. A relationship, I mean. We’re soaking ourselves with the city’s tenderness and we’re trying to be as loving with each other.”

Tumihaya na ito. “Sounds wonderful. Masaya akong marinig iyan.”

“Yeah, me, too. But sometimes… I feel like it’s just me. Just me and the city.”

“Hmm. What can I say? Our generation doesn’t disappoint, always something up its sleeves.”