Her lost baby

Chapter eleven - I miss him

Nia's POV:

It has been five months since Kevin broke up with me. I'm trying to forget about him, but it's impossible. The baby keeps reminding me of him. I don't know what I can do. I mean, to delete him from my mind. He was my first boyfriend. I have never loved anyone so much except for my parents. Mom tells me to move on, but I can't do it. Something doesn't let me stop thinking about him. I have no idea what he is doing anymore. I stopped calling or texting him. It would be better to delete his phone number and remove him from my contacts list. The thing is that it's not easy for me. This feels like I am erasing part of my life. I was happy with him. I don't understand what happened. There weren't any signs that we won't be together. Maybe I was delusional. I might be the only one who wanted this. No, I'm sure he loved me. No one can fake for so long. I don't know if this is only for the money. There is another motive behind this. According to my dad, it's Kevin's loss. The loss will be for the baby. I'm not sure if I can raise it alone. I'll do everything possible, but it needs a father. I understood the gender of the baby. I will have a girl. This is the only good news. I wish Kevin could see her when she is born. That was his choice. I hope that she will grow up healthy and happy.

Today I have an appointment with my doctor. Later, I will go to class. I signed up for one. It's about parents who take care of their kids alone. The family has been divorced or separated without marriage. I thought this might help me feel better. It's not like this is helping me much. I'm trying to be more positive and understand what the teacher tells us. The woman takes care of her kids alone. This is why she started this course. She wanted to teach people they are not the only ones with this problem.

Currently, I'm eating. The last time, the doctor told me that I should eat more. I thought I had already eaten enough. She said that negative emotions also affect the baby. This is one of the hardest things for me. When I finished eating, I went to get ready. I don't take many things with me. After some time, I need to stop carrying everything heavy. I arrived ten minutes early for my appointment. I waited for my doctor to call me. I keep checking my phone for messages. Kevin won't call me. I should forget about him.

- Come in, Nia.

- Thanks.

- How are you today?

- I'm fine.

- You don't look happy.

- I'm drained.

- I have told you many times. You need to take care of yourself.

- But it's hard. I can't do this alone.

- This is not easy, but it's not mission impossible. There are many single mothers like you.

- The problem is that I still love him.

- You need to move on. That is the only solution.

- How is the baby?

- Lay down.

- Like this?

- Perfect. Ok, the baby looks fine. It has turned to the other side. Can you see it?

- Yes, I do. It's so tiny.

- Well, you are only in the fifth month. She needs more time to grow up.

- This is the saddest dream I have ever had.

- Why?

- I wanted to have a kid but with him.

- You might meet someone else.

- I don't want anyone else. I still love him.

- I'm not a therapist, but if you don't move on from him, you will never do it. You need to be happier because of the baby.

- It's easy to say it.

- The baby is fine for now. Please reduce stress and negative emotions.

- I will try.

- Good. If you don't have any questions, that is from me. I'll see you next month.

- Thanks.

I walked out of the hospital. I decided to go for a walk. My class is in the afternoon. I still have enough time. I might eat lunch outside. That is the last thing I want to do, but I should do it. After some time, I passed by a park. Kevin and I used to come here often. I saw a little girl being chased by her father. My baby will never have this chance. This is what hurts me the most. I can't do anything else. Somehow, I want to find a solution.

I ate lunch at a small restaurant. I ordered a salad and chicken tenders with French fries. For dessert, I had a piece of chocolate cake. I ate all this only because of her. I'm not that hungry. Around 2 pm, I went to my class. Almost everyone was here. They look happier than me. Soon, the teacher came.

- Hello. How are you today? - she asked

- We are fine. Annie has been great. We spent the whole week together. She enjoyed it. - Paul said

- That is great. Angela, how is Billy?

- He had a rough week at school. Some kids were stealing his lunch, but he never told me.

- How did you find out?

- I noticed a change in his mood. I went to school without telling him. I saw what happened.

- Did you tell the principal?

- Yes, I did. The parents of the other kids came to school.

- This is great. How are you, Nia?

- Nia. - Angela said

- What?

- How are you? - the teacher asked

- Fine.

- You don't look like that.

- It's a bit complicated.

- You need to move on from your ex-boyfriend. It's not healthy for the baby.

- But I can't. I still miss him.

- Let's make the first step today. Do you still have his messages?

- Yes.

- Delete them.

- What? I can't do that.

- Yes, you can. Please give me your phone.

- No.

- Nia, you have to do it. Now you can give me your phone.

- Here.

- Come up to me.

- Ok.

- Unlock it.

- So now what?

- These are the messages between you and Kevin. - she said and showed my phone to everyone

- He hasn't texted me in months.

- This is the delete button. Press it.

- No, I can't.

- Nia, you have to let him go. Kevin is in the past. Please delete the messages.

- Fine.

- Take a deep breath.

- Delete. - I said, and the messages disappeared

- Great. In every class, we'll delete a memory from your relationship.

- If it's necessary.

- It is.

- Thanks.

- No problem. Let's continue.

I miss his messages, but I had to delete them. I used to read them every night before I got to bed. I thought that I would keep him close. It's not like it helped me. With time, I started feeling worse. Once, I saw him outside. He didn't even look at me. This was a sign to me that everything was over. I wanted to fight, but there was no reason. I can't do anything.

I stayed outside for some time. Later, I went home. Mom was already there. She wanted to work from home in the afternoon. I walked to my room. I need to find an activity to do. After the third month of my pregnancy, I stopped working. I couldn't do this anymore.

- Knock, knock. Can I come in?

- Sure.

- How was your appointment?

- It was good. The baby is healthy. It has turned around to the other side.

- I'm sure it keeps moving.

- Maybe.

- What is going on?

- I went to another class today.

- How did it go? Did something happen?

- She made me delete his messages.

- I have told you to do it many times. I think you should let him go.

- How? I still love him.

- But he doesn't. Stop taking care of someone who doesn't do it for you.

- How are you so sure? You don't know what he feels.

- I don't need to know. He doesn't even search for you.

- Maybe he will change.

- Nia! Stop dreaming and come back to reality. This boy doesn't love you. He moved on. That's why you should do it, too.

- I love him. - I said with tears in my eyes

- You should focus on the baby. She needs you.

- What if she asks me about her dad?

- The truth is always the best solution.

- But I don't want her to grow up only with me.

- You are hurt. This is why you are still attached to him.

- What should I do?

- I think you need to go out more. Find new friends.

- No, I don't want to do it.

- You can't stay inside all day.

- I know.

Mom and I talked for some time. Later, she went to finish her work for the day. I stayed in the backyard for some time. Around 5 pm, I went to help my mom with dinner. This might cheer me up for some time. Dad came home as well. I sent my mom to see him. I took care of everything else. After half an hour, the food was ready. I served the table and went for the food.

- Everything looks delicious. Good job.

- I had help today. - mom said

- How are you feeling?

- The same as every day.

- I believe the teacher has told you this already. I won't repeat her words.

- Please, don't. I can't hear this again.

- How is the baby? I believe she is growing up.

- Yes, she is.

- What did you eat today? You know you need to eat a lot. The baby needs food.

- I had a salad, chicken tenders with French fries, and a piece of cake.

- Good. You can become a baker. I know you love sweets.

- Dad, I'm not good at this.

- With time, you will learn. All you need is patience.

- I want to be happy.

- Aren't you?

- Not really.

- I feel like you are not telling me something.

- Like what?

- When did you see him?

- Dad.

- Nia.

- You saw Kevin? Why didn't you tell us? - mom asked

- Because I know what you will say.

- When? - dad asked

- Last week.

- Did he tell you something?

- No, he ignored me. I mean, neither a single word.

- Isn't this enough for you? Tell me.

- Dad, please.

- No, I won't stop. That's why you should forget about him. This boy doesn't care about you. Why don't you want to understand this?

- I love him!

- No, you don't. You love the idea of being close to someone.

- I love Kevin. - I said, crying

- You should stop. This is not healthy for you.

- I can't. I can't go away from him.

- This is your problem.

- Dad, help me. I need you.

- I will. I won't let you go that deep. You can trust me. I will keep you safe. - he said and hugged me

- Thank you.

- No one will hurt you. I promise.

The rest of the dinner was peaceful. I calmed down a bit. Dad is the only person who holds me when I'm down. I share with my mom, too. Well, it's not the same. The classes are helping me, but I need more time. I'm already in the fifth month. Little by little, I will delete the memories of him. I don't know why it takes me so long. Maybe it's because he is my first love. He looked after me like no one else. Many boys have looked at me, but no one caught my attention. There was something about Kevin that no one else had. I will never forget him. I hope that I will be able to move on.