Heart desired

//Chapter 18//

I gasped, standing up from my chair. Everything around me was spinning. I could not hold my ground or breaath as the walls tightened around me, making my chest and throat close up.

Suddenly, I was back on my nightmare. All around me was endless blood and gore, splattered on the ground and on the trees. I was laughing and sobbing, Savin's arms tucking me closer to his chest. He held me, whispering in my ear. "If you seek, you will perish."

I felt somebody touching my hand. I leaned forward to the table, clutching the soft wool fabric with my hands. I consentrated my focus around the farmth of the hand and the softness of the fabric. Breathe. I told myself. I had to breathe. In. Out. Once. Twice.

Slowly, the room stopped spinning. I opened my eyes. I had no memory of closing them. My father was looking at me, his expression alarmed. "Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded, looking around. My brother was touching my hand, his fingers wrapped around my wrist. Daniel was not in his chair. Where was he? Then I felt a gentle touch on my shoulders. I did not have to look behind me to know it was him. "Sit, Daniel said, rubbing my shoulders slowly. I obeyed, not trusting my voice yet. "Drink some water." Resh pushed a cup towards my direction. I drank, looking at him.

He was also looking at me, sdudying my face. I could guess what was on his mind. He did not seems to have any effect upon hearing that massage. Which meant, what ever the future Queen Pestras had seen, she had seen me as the heir, already f****d up everything.

Daniel stayed behind me. hands on my shoulders, not leaving my side. His presence was pulling me back from my endless thoughts, grounding me here. I was grateful for him and at the same time I was terrified for him. In my dream, I thought about my lover dying because of me. At the time, I did not thhink much of it because I had no lover to lose. But now... I had Daniel, and it made me terrified. I always wanted to protect him, but now that the danger was me, I didn't know what to do anymore.

"What happened?" My father asked. I shook my head. Something in me was telling me to not to tell anything to anyone, even the people in this room. There was only one person I could talk about this. I had to meet Savin as soon as possible. If he is the only one to live when I go berserk and kill everybody, I had to ask him to stop me if anything like that happenes.

"I don't know." I said. "Something felt so off when you said that. The next thing I know, I was standinng up. If you sxcuse me, I think I need some space and fresh air right now."

"I also think that is a good idea, Your Majesty." Daniel said. Even at his voice, my chest became tightened. I clenched my hands. No. I will not let him die, no matter what.

"Go ahead then." My father said. "I'll prepare your rooms. Since you are here to represent another country, it is our responsibility to make you feel comfortable."

"Father," I said, looking at the guards. "they can't hear us. They are still thinking you are scolding us. You will have to say that last line again."

He cleared his throat. "A little heads up would have been nice."

I consentrated, withdrawing my power from their mindds. They blinked a liitle, but there was not any alarmed look or anything. That means the illusion worked exactly like I wanted to. I gave my father a thumbs up and he repeated himself, scowling. I looked at Resh. He was smiling a little bit. Ever since I met him. I also smiled. Even that little smile looked precious to me.

I tugged his arm. "Come with us."

He searched my face for a moment before nodding. He may be my elder brother, but he felf young somehow. I wanted to protect him, maybe as much as Resh. I stood up and he followed. "We will be in the garden then, Your Majesty." I said. He nodded, bracing himself as if he was preparing for a war. He is going to a battle, I realised. With Nave as the Prime minister and others always questioning and judging him, he won't be able to catch his breath.

Just as we were out of th building and rounded the corner, I saw Nave and others going to meet him. I closed my eyes and focused. Right now, a spy or two should be following us. I had to spot them to avoid them.

There. One ten feet behind us, under a bush we just passed. The other one was dressed as a gaedener, pretending to search for something. He was right here beside us. Daniel looked at me. I pointed the spy near us with my eyes. "Catch me," I said to them, not giving them a second to look away before sprinting over. I heard both of them following me in less than a second. This was a great way to avoid unwanted guests following us. Imaging three people running on the streets and someone came out of a bush and a gardener suddenly also running behind them. Yes, It was ridiculous and at the same time it was not practical if they wanted to stay hidden.

After I was sure we were way ahead of them, I slowed down. Daniel did not have trouble catching up to me but Resh was struggling to catch his breath. "You," he panted. "run like a horse. Is someone chasing you to kill you?"

For the first time in a while, a sincere laugh escaped from me. "In fact we were followed, just now. Besides," I threw him a mischievous smile. "weren't you guys chasing me right now?"

He scowled. Daniel looked around the place. We were right in the middle of the royal garden, beside a line of stone benches that covered a lotus shaped pond. "I used to find you and Cara reading here so many times back then." Daniel said. "It was like a rule. If you can't find the princess, search the pond. Tristan was so mad about you one time because he literally had to swim inside this because Cara dropped some valuable book into the pond. Had to get it before it got completely destroyed."

I nodded. Resh looked puzzled. "I forgot that you guys had friends here. They seems nice. Let's go meet them."

Daniel looked away. My throat ached came back. "We can't." I said.

"Why not?"

"Because they are dead." I faced him. "Yes, they were nice people. They worked hard foe our citizens, even though they were young and inexperiencd, They were always laughing,. We used to stay up late and talk about so many things." My eyes were stinging now. "We were a one big family. We shared clothes, books and everything. We knew what we were doing was dangerous. We knew it may get us killed, but as long as we were together, that seemed like death was not a big deal." I was babbling now. "And then they were murdeered. Right in front of my eyes. I couldn't save them."

Nobody spoke for a while. Resh looked like he regretted even asking. "Sorry I-"

"No, it's okay." I said. "Where ever they are, I'm sure they are together, that they are happy. I know that they don't blame me for not been able to save them. But I blame myself for surviving."

Daniel looked at me. "Then why are you still living?" Resh asked.

This time, Daniel answered with me. "To protect each other."

"Honestly, I envy you guys." Resh said.

"Don't." I told him. "Because now my living purpose is to protect both of you. There is no need,"