Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 5: THE SIMPLE ACT OF KINDNESS CAN MEAN LOVE ROMANTICALLY?

They say, love, begins at a little act of kindness—kindness as defined as the state of being kind. It's like showing a sort of respect and extra care towards other people. And it can be both in actions and words. Occasionally, you just wanted to help him with his simple problems in life, or you just wanted comfort that person and make him/her feel, he or she is not alone. Sometimes, you are unaware of it, but the last thing you know, you are already falling for that special someone secretly. Well, that’s how simple and yet complicated love is. And, that’s one of the very best things that happen unexpectedly in life, the moment we fall for someone.

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“Are you okay?” He asked me as he handed some tissue.

“Yeah! I’m fine. Thanks.” Was all I said after everything sink into my mind and realize how awkward this situation can be.

After that emotional and hugging incident, we went to a nearby park. We were both seated on a bench staring far away. Then, a moment of silence came.

“I’m sorry.” I apologize first. “You might think how pathetic I am for crying and hugging you like that a while ago. I’m sorry. I’m just carried away with my emotions. I was just too happy to see you. And that happens…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to.” He answered. “I guess I should be the one saying sorry. I cause trouble again, am I?”

The look on his face seems to reach my soul. Even how simple his words were, it affects me a lot. I can feel his sincerity. In addition to the look on his face.

“Quite a bit,” I responded to lighten his mood then smiled a little. “But no worries, I already book your flight to the Philippines. So you can go home as soon as possible.”

“Thanks.” He slightly answered.

“But we have one problem.” I sadly added. “The earliest flight I’ve booked was a week from now which means you need to stay here for a week. Sorry. I tried my best to book the earliest one and that’s all I got. All the other earliest flights were full-packed. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I can manage. Well, anyway, thank you," he said.

But I can feel something’s wrong with him. I can sense something is bothering him. I feel like he’s keeping a heavy burden inside.

“If you don’t mind, can I ask you something?” I asked him out of the blue.

He nodded in response.

“Ummm… who was that woman you were staring at sadly a while ago? I mean the way you look at her means she was someone special, isn’t it?” I slowly uttered the words. But I immediately take back my question as I saw his face. “But you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to. Sorry. I’m just curious.”

“She was my…” But before he could finish, he suddenly cried.

I saw him cried before but his cry this time was a bit different. In my 27 years of existence and more than 3 years of stay here in Vienna, Austria, I saw a lot of people who cries a lot. Some cried out of happiness or what they say, tears of joy. Others cry because of the physical pain they felt. But others cry because of the pain they felt emotionally—one of the most evident pains is the pain from losing someone special. It’s something hard to move on from especially if there was no proper closure. And I can feel that pain in his cry. Without saying a single word, I stood beside him. I let him cry and let all his pain inside be release.

While walking quietly, I blurt out something. “So, what’s your plan? I mean do you have a place to stay? You don’t need to be seen walking around the city and continue to stay in the hotel undocumented. Your tourist visa just expired today and its extension is only within 24 hours unless there are health issues or accidents involve".

That made him pause for a while. And the look on his face tells me, he has no place to go. So without any questions, I rashly take his luggage and walk forward saying. “Let’s go.”

“Whose place is this?” He curiously asked as we entered the house.

“You can use this,” I said as I give him a pair of slippers. “You can put your shoes on this side,” I ordered him to do so since I know how OC (over cleaned) my best friend is.

“It’s mine. Wait. I mean this is not my house.” I added quickly. But the look on his face feeling shocked, I immediately explained thoroughly.

“Well, it’s not my house. It’s my friend’s house to be exact and I’m living with her right now.” I added. “It has two bedrooms so you can stay in my room until we received the letter granting for your temporary stay here in Austria.”

“Wait. In your room?” He confusingly asked feeling bothered with the thought of sleeping in the same room together. “I’m good sleeping here on the sofa. It’s very comfortable at all. It’s perfect.” Giving me two thumbs up while looking awkwardly.

“No… no… no… It’s not what you think.” I quickly explained. “I mean you can stay in my room while I’ll sleep in my friend’s room. Don’t worry.  She has the biggest room here.” I put some jokes to ease the mood.

“Are you hungry? Have you eaten?” I asked but knowing that we’ve been together since early in the evening, I answered my questions.

“Come here. Take a seat and let’s eat some dinner.” I offered him. “I’ll just reheat this and we can eat now.”

While I was busy preparing for the food, he suddenly asked something. “Is it okay if I can stay here for a while? I mean, what about your friend? Did you ask for her permission?”

“No. But it’s okay, she’s a very good person and…” But before I can continue, I saw Jessie coming in.

“Oh! Hello, George.” She greeted me with a face though while I just responded to her with a wide smile.

“There you are,” I said. “Speaking of my friend. Hi!”

“Ummm… Jac, I’d like you to meet my very, very, very good friend of mine, Jessica Cruz. The very best and outstanding nurse at Vienna, Austria. But you can call her Jessie for short. Jessie, I’d like you to meet my former tourist client, Jac.” I did not make my introductions too long since I needed to talk to Jessie about this—I needed to explain to her thoroughly about the situation we are facing right now. I immediately grab her hands and went inside her room while paying excuses to Jac for a moment.

“What’s this George?” She was a bit angry.

“Sorry. I forgot to ask first your permission. It was just that everything happens so fast.” I sincerely apologized. “But no worries, he will just stay here for a while until we can have a grant from the consul about his extension due to unforeseen circumstances. I cannot let him stay in the hotel undocumented. He might be deported.”

“So you decided to let him stay here?” She was now furious.

“Well, it’s just for a couple of days. I guess the response would be granted 2 to three days. He doesn’t need to stay here for a week until his flight. Just a couple of days.” I pleaded to her.

“You know me, George, right?” She added with strictness in her tone. “You know it's fine with me. I have no issues. You, helping other people. I’m okay with that. But you know what’s bothering me?—it’s the real reason why you end up doing these things. I don’t want you to get hurt again, George.”

“What?” I defensively asked. “Getting hurt from what?”

“You know what I mean. Just promise me one thing, don’t ever love someone who’s not yet over with his past. I may not know him personally but by how your story goes almost every night about him, I am sure his pain was about from his ex.” She uttered.

Her last statement left something on my mind. It made me ponder on my true emotions. Jessie was there with me when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me behind my back. Even though she was miles away, she knew what I was going through—how devastated I was, how broke I was. When I was sad, she was sad as well. When I cried hardly so as she. That’s why I understood what she’s coming through. I tried to pretend nothing’s going romantically between me and Jac because I don’t want to see my best friend getting hurt as well as seeing me in pain. That’s the last thing I would do to her, to see her miserable just because of how stupid I am. I cannot afford to see her like that. “So… you… Yes, you.” While touching my chest. “Just calm down, okay? I know you’ve learned your lesson well enough so just calm it down. Whatever it is, it’s not something special. You’re just helping him. That’s it, nothing more and nothing less. Okay?”

“Good morning!” I greeted seeing Jac. “DO you have a good sleep?”

He nodded while biting his lower lips. “Yes.” Then smiled a bit. “I guess this is my first time having a good sleep.”

“That’s great.” I immediately cut his statement. I don’t want to ruin his mood but I’m not into drama especially early in the morning. I hate crying and emotional during that time of the day. It’s like cursing the beautiful miracle given by God to us every day. It’s just not a good way to start the day.  “Here, this is your breakfast. If you’re done, just put the leftovers in the fridge and the dishes in the sink. Make sure no spill on the table as well as on the floor. You don’t want to see my best friend in her grumpy look whenever she saw dirt or anything not harmonious to the eyes. You know what I mean right?” I quickly said. “Well, anyway, you take charge of the house, okay? I better go. I have a very important appointment today and I don’t want to be late. You know my number, right? So, just call me if something happens. I’ll be right back. Bye.” I quickly said those bunch of words without pausing while running as fast as I could. That was my first time and probably my last. I know I’m not that good at acting though. And I don’t know exactly what was happening to me right now. All I know is that I cannot take that kind of awkwardness I felt seeing him early in the morning, fresh from taking a bath. Ah! I hate these weird thoughts.

Well, seconds turn into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours into days, that was our routine for the past 2 days now. I guess I need to get myself used to the idea of living with him under one roof. Luckily, I was able to keep my heart under control. I was able to hide those feelings I always have for him. Before I wasn’t sure about my feelings. I thought it was merely out of pity—seeing someone helpless. But after seeing him and hugging him so tight on that day, finally, I was able to sort all my emotions and feelings. Right at that moment, I know I love him. But this kind of love I have is not something I wanted to show—it’s not something I wanted him to know. Because I know in the end, I won’t get something in return. I’m just contented seeing him being happy from afar. 

After a tough day at work, I was surprised to see an envelope place in my laptop bag. I know all my stuff and as far as I could remember I haven’t placed anything on that bag except my laptop. Out of my curiosity, I open it and my eyes rolled into shock. Finally, I got the grant I’ve been waiting for. My heart was filled with gladness and all the joy in the world. You know that kind of feeling when you won the jackpot in the lottery? It’s indescribable and incomparable. Finally, I got the grant for an Austrian Visitor’s Visa for Jac—the letter I’ve been waiting for. I never thought it would be granted this fast. It seems like heaven and fate is on my side. I was excited to go home bringing the good news. But on the way, a sudden thought came into my mind.

When I arrived home, I was surprised to see how clean and organized the house was. No single amount of dust present on the sofa as well as on the floor. I can even see my reflection on it. Pillows well placed on the couch. It seems like a hurricane of cleanliness has left this place. “He’s quite good,” I told myself. But what bothers me is the thought that he might leave for good. Well, I know from the very beginning that after a week, he’d be leaving for good. He has a life he needs to return to. He has a world that awaits him while mine was here in Austria. While taking steps in, my mind and my heart were in a fight—fighting whether to tell him the truth or keep it from him—this news might be good news for him but not for me. How funny it is. Then, I suddenly slap my face for being crazy—for thinking this is unfair.

“Oh! You’re here.” Jac greeted me with a smile. “Come, let’s have some dinner. I’ve prepared something.”

“Sure. I’d just leave my things in my room.” I tried to smile as much as I could as I kept the documents at my back.

I immediately rush to my room making sure he doesn’t get a glimpse of the papers I am hiding from him. In my room, I breathe as fast as I could with all the sweat on my face. I guess this is what it means to somehow lie to someone. It makes you feel restless, nervous, and anxious all the time. I don’t know how exactly I reach this point. But all I know is that I wanted him to stay. I wanted to see him even just until this weekend. Would that make me the worst person in the world?

Even until evening, this thought has been troubling me a lot. I’m caught in between. I couldn’t sleep at all. I’m not used to it. Even when I was still young, my mom always thought me that it’s better, to tell the truth, and make people cry than telling a lie and making people smile because, at the end of the day, everything that has been kept intentionally will eventually be revealed. And that would be the hardest thing to forgive. I went out in my room to breathe for a while—to think things over. But when I went to the kitchen to have some milk, what surprised me is seeing him sitting on the sofa staring at the darkness outside and drinking some… What? I told myself.

“Couldn’t sleep?” I asked as I walked towards him and seated beside him while taking a wide look at the empty bottles of beer.

“Well, just thinking about some things.” He just replied casually and with the look of, what about you?

“Mmmm… you’re thinking while drinking some beer, huh?” I asked confusingly. “I mean how could drinking such liquors help you think straight. It will just make things worse. Believe me.”

But I guess I’m not a good teacher though seeing he won’t stop drinking. Instead, he challenged me to drink some beer. “Hey! You’re just killjoy.”

“What?” I defensively asked while rejecting the drink and keeping him from drinking another bottle of beer. “You’re drunk. You better sleep now. That’s enough okay.”

“Hey! What’s with all the don’ts and do’s, George?” He laughingly asked. “I bet you’re just coward because you easily get tipsy, right? You’re just afraid you might do something crazy, am I right?”

“Hey! How dare you talk pose a challenge on me?” I proudly uttered. “I’m not a bad drinker,” I added as I take the whole bottle he offered me in one shot only.

In one way or another, that made him laugh seeing me trying to finish that one bottle in one shot only. But after that laughter, a moment of silence passes us by. Looking at him makes me think, how come such a guy who has a beautiful smile also has pain he’s trying to hide. Even with that laughter, his eyes won’t tell a lie. And out of my curiosity, well maybe out of this some sort of interest, I started the conversation.

“You know what, with my more than 3 years of being a tourist guide here in Austria, all of my tourist who came somewhat heartbroken, left this place with a smile. That’s how good I am.” I proudly uttered. “Well, actually I’m the best.”

He smiled nodding as if he won’t believe me with those proud words.

“Oh? What’s that look?” I asked him. “But I guess, you’re right. I’m not the best. Because if I was truly the best, you could have that perfect smile of yours. I guess I failed this time.”

“Hey! That’s not what I meant.” He defensively took back his words.

“I don’t know you’re past. Or the pain you’re going through right now. But what I know is that it’s not the end of everything. Have you thought how precious life could be and yet you just devote yourself to those pain from the past? I mean no offense, but you should give yourself a second chance—a second chance in life. We all deserve it after all.”

He was listening attentively.

“Just like what my mom always thought me that the best thing in life is always yet to come so we should not think that it’s the end. No matter how hard life is, no matter how we fall and make mistakes, we should always be ready to get up and begin a new life. It’s not for others but ourselves solely. That teaching has been my anchor to survive the pain I’ve been through in the past.” I sadly narrated.

“Wait. I know that look.” I strongly uttered. “I can’t believe you.” I laughingly added.

“Hey! That’s not what I meant.” He immediately explained himself. “I mean I always see you smiling and laughing and having those big words saying how beautiful Austria is and so as life,  so I have this thought that you must have a perfect life. Ops! Not a perfect life but the best life ever. You know, that kind of happiness—a perfect life.”

“Hey! You don’t know the saying that goes, people who smile a lot are those who have a greater pain inside because they’re hiding that pain with those smiles. And to prove that saying, well, I give you the honor to listen to my painful past.”

I narrated to him my life—from where my mom died, how my dad seemingly abandoned me, and how my boyfriend whom I trusted a lot cheated on me. It was my first time sharing my story with others apart from my friends and people I love. It was hard at first because I’m not used to sharing that drama with others and receiving pity from them. That’s probably the last thing I will do. But I don’t know why I feel comfortable with him despite that I just know him a few days ago. Well, to be exact, I don’t know him personally. I don’t know his story. All I know is his name and his work. That’s it. But I don’t know the reason behind that sadness. But I guess I was a really good speaker since I made him share his life as well.

“You’re right, I didn’t come here because I wanted to be fascinated with the beauty of Austria. I came here because of my ex—my ex-fiancée.” He begins his story. “The woman you saw I was staring at from a distance. That was her. She’s Angela. She’s the reason why I’m here. I came here after I saw a picture of her on IG from a common friend of ours. But when I was there, I couldn’t take a step forward. Seeing her smile, I couldn’t move forward and ask her, why? Maybe because I was not prepared enough to know the real reason why she’d left me. I’m not brave enough to hear from her that she doesn’t love me anymore. I’m scared that after seeing her, everything that connects us could finally be gone. I couldn’t imagine life without her. She was my life. She was everything to me. Since then I couldn’t sleep well. I feel like I have insomnia. I’ve been taking meds just to fall asleep but it’s no effect on me. Everywhere I go, I could see her. It seems like her memories are hunting me.”

I could feel his pain with his words. “I’m sorry to hear that. You don’t need to continue if you’re not comfortable about it. If it was too painful to remember, you don’t have to.”

But he continued. “It was supposed to be our wedding day. I was excited about that day. We’ve been preparing for it for more than six months to make sure everything is perfect on that special day. But I didn’t know that—that supposed to be the happiest day of my life turns out to be my worst nightmare. I waited for her like a fool. Even if she left me a note saying sorry and she can’t marry me because she loved somebody else, I couldn’t make myself believe in it. I could sense something is wrong. I know her for more than half of my life. And I never imagined she would leave me that easily. That’s why I waited for her. I waited for her to come even if that would make me look like a fool. Even years passed by, I’m still longing for her. And even until this day, I’m waiting for her.” Then he burst into cry.

I tried to hold back those tears since he started his story but after seeing him crying, I couldn’t stop myself to cry as well. It was like I could feel his pain. 

“Are you okay?” he asked while giving me some tissue and even apologizing.

“I’m okay,” I said. But after answering I suddenly hug him. I couldn’t stop myself. “And you should be as well. You should free yourself with all those pain in the past. I know it’s not easy at all. I’ve been through that. The process was tedious at all. But you’ll be through it and you could have that sort of help from people around you—people who love you more than enough to help you heal and move on. I’m here. I will help you get over your pain. I’m here.”

Those last words—those two words saying, “I’m here”, made him stop crying. He stared at me deeply. I don’t know what to do. I could feel my heart skip a beat. Then it suddenly beats faster. I could feel all the sweat that coming out of my body despite how cold the room was. It’s not like I could take back those words anymore. But it’s okay. I’m good at this kind of situation. I know how to get out myself in this trap I made for myself. Right! In my mind, I’ll just need to think hard to get out of this awkward situation I’m in. But what happens to my wise mind right now. Why isn’t functioning, well? Come on. Think hard, George. But wait. Why am I thinking the advice Mandy was always saying to me—that to get out of those awkward situations, the best way is to make another awkward move and that way is to kiss him? She always told me that action speaks louder than words, so to tell that person how you feel without explaining anything since it’s really hard to find that kind of courage and braveness, why not take another step. After thinking hard, I thought that this is the best and the only way to get out. I stared at him closely. Breathing quietly. Slowly moving my head towards him. When we were just about 2 inches apart, I hesitate for a while. But, he suddenly kisses me on the lips. Wait. How could he read my mind? Does he have some telepathic powers or something? I told myself.

Epilogue:

After kissing him, I run immediately towards my room. “Hey! Are you crazy? Why? Why did you not dodge George? How foolish of you? Why? Of all the things, why did you let him kiss you?” I said to myself as I scratch my hair while rolling into my bed. “You’re finally doomed.” Now, I couldn’t sleep anymore. I feel like I’m dead. Now, I wish I could finally disappear from this place.