Phoenix Falling

Chapter 20

******** Liam *********

    I woke up at 3 am. I felt great, refreshed, clear headed. She was still asleep. God she made my heart pound. Even just innocently sleeping away her pain. I was glad she had managed to sleep. Glad she had asked me if she should see a counsellor. Dr. Porter would help her, I was sure of it. He was smart, easy to talk to. I had spoken to him for four years. I wanted to move, I felt the need to get up. But I let her sleep. She needed it. It had broken my heart holding her in the shower while she wept. She had been through so much in the last year. I thought to myself. If only she could have just suffered through me being gone. We never would have had to go through all of this. But I shook my head, no that’s not fair. She was so young, so inexperienced. She hadn’t been with anyone else, she hadn’t been left by a soldier before. It's hard on middle aged women when their husbands leave. It couldn’t have been easy for a young, self-conscious, shy girl to deal with. This was as much my fault as it was hers. I pulled her sleeping figure closer to me, feeling the rhythm of her breathing against my chest. Her hair, oh it always smelled so sweet and fragrant. I laid with her like that until 7:30 and then she started to stir, when she opened her eyes she looked a little more peaceful than she had the day before. I could still see the heartbreak in her eyes. But I expected that day by day, she would be able to work past it. 

“Morning.” She said softly. I brushed a lock of hair off of her face, 

“Good morning,” I said, I kissed her softly. 

“Olivia, I want to wake up next to you everyday for the rest of my life.” I said to her. She smiled slightly. 

“I’m ok with that.” She answered. She brought her head down onto my chest. 

“Is it weird that I feel a little less broken right now?” She asked me. 

“No, no I don’t think it’s weird. I think everyday will be just a little bit better than the day before.” I said. She trailed her fingers through my chest hair, curling it around. 

“You smell good.” She said softly. I smiled, I probably smelled like her. She was such a fragrant creature, there’s no way the smell of her wasn’t all over me all the time. 

“What time is my appointment?” She asked. I checked my watch, 7:50.

“Nine.” I said, 

“Do you want to get breakfast before or after?” I asked her. She sighed softly. 

“After, right now I just want to lay here for a bit longer.” I smiled into her hair. 

“Peyton’s puppy is so cute.” She said, did she want a puppy? I’d get her a puppy. In a heartbeat. I’d get her anything she wanted. 

“Yea he is, Chuck’s a smart man, luring a woman into his house with a puppy.” I said smiling.I felt her smile against my chest. 

“You lured me in,” She said. I laughed, 

“Oh, and how did I do that?” I asked her. 

“You used that sexy smile and those muscles to get me into your bed so I could never let you go.” She said. I smiled. 

“I have a sexy smile do I? And it appears to me that we spend more time in your bed than mine.” I said.  She giggled.

“Yes we do. I love this house.” She said, 

“I’m kind of sad to move out of it.” She confessed, I nodded, this was a nice house. I had actually been thinking of talking to Tim about possibly trading. He wasn’t going to be having any more kids. My house only had three bedrooms. This one had five and a bigger yard. 

“Well, I was thinking, we should talk to your dad about that actually.” I said to her. She turned to look at me confused. I didn’t want to bring up kids right now. She didn’t need to know I planned on getting her pregnant over and over and over until I had a house full of them. I would start that conversation when she was ready. 

“I was going to see if he would be interested in a trade. We would have to throw in some cash of course his house is worth so much more. But, he’s going to be alone in this huge place and Our house is only three bedrooms. Enough for him and some visitors. Smaller yard and what not.” I said. She pondered the idea for a minute. 

“I actually think he might like that. I was worried he’d want to sell. I don’t want him moving away.” She said. I nodded. 

“Ok, well we should bring it up soon. If he doesn’t want to that's fine. But I can’t see him wanting to be in this big house alone.” I said. She nodded. 

“Well, we should get up. I’ll go see what Tim’s doing, maybe he wants to go for breakfast with us.” I said, she smiled and headed into her closet. She stood in front of the mirror. No top on, rubbing her hand along her belly. I felt my heart break a little for her. But I left the room, she needed to do these things. Anything to help her mourn. Tim was sipping coffee at the island. 

“Morning Dad.” I said to him as I grabbed my own cup.

“Morning Liam, how’s she doing this morning?” He asked. I smiled softly. 

“She slept.” I said. He smiled.

“Good, I’m glad.” He said. I nodded. 

“She slept for almost fifteen hours. We’re going to see my counsellor.” I told him. 

“That’s a good idea.” He said, 

“Yea, I think so too. He will help her I’m sure. After we’re going for breakfast if you want to come?” I said to him. He smiled. Checking over his shoulder. 

“Liam, I would love to but I have a date.” He said, winking at me. I smiled. 

“Glad to hear it. Olivia is worried about you being lonely.” I said. He nodded. 

“I know, and actually there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” He said. Looking into my eyes. 

“This house is too big for me.” He said. I laughed a little. 

“We were just discussing that this morning.” I said to him. He laughed a little too. 

“Great minds.” He said. I nodded. 

“Olivia was worried you’d sell it and move.” I said. He smiled. 

“Honestly I considered it. But then I thought, your house is quite a bit smaller. Smaller yard.” He said, then he checked over his shoulder again.

“This one would let you fill it with grandkids for me.” He said smiling. I nodded. Literally great minds. 

“Yea, I just don’t know what we do from here. I’m sure you paid more for yours than I did.” I said. 

“We’ll I paid six hundred and twenty thousand for this one.” He said. Holy s**t, that’s a big jump. 

“I paid four seventy five.” I said. He nodded. Olivia walked down the stairs at that point. 

“Morning dad.” She said, kissing him on the cheek. 

“What are you guys talking about?” She asked sitting next to me. 

“The houses.” Tim said.

“Oh, we were going to take you out for breakfast to talk about that.” She said, he shook his head. 

“I’m going out with a friend this morning so I can’t come for breakfast. But,  I was going to give you guys money for the wedding. Maybe we should work that into a house deal.” He said, 

“Dad, we don’t need money for the wedding. Liam’s parents gave us some.” Olivia said to him. He smiled at her. 

“Honey, it’s the father of the bride's job to pay for it. I want to give you money. What were you budgeting for the wedding?” He asked. 

“Olivia said ten thousand.” I said to him. He nodded. 

“I was going to give you guys twenty five thousand.” He said. 

“Dad! That’s too much!” Olivia said to him. He smiled. 

“Olivia, I have money and no one but you to share it with.” He said. She smiled. 

“But dad.” she started. He raised his hand. 

“Let’s work out a deal on the houses.” He said. She nodded. Obviously thinking it was a better idea than just giving us money. 

“So I can go to the bank then, and take out a bigger mortgage.” I said. 

“Yea, I think that’s fair.” Olivia said. 

“You don’t have too. We can do something just between us.” Tim said, 

“No, I'd like to make sure we do it right.” I said. He smiled. 

“Ok, that sounds good to me.” Tim said, 

“We should probably get to your appointment.” I said to Olivia. She nodded. Following me out to her car. I drove, I really loved her little car. It was fast, and easy to whip in and out of traffic. I pushed the throttle down, accelerating through the traffic. I pulled into Dr. Porters office with five minutes to spare. We waited in the waiting room for him. 

“Come in with me please?” Olivia asked me. I nodded, of course I would. If that’s what she wanted that's what she got. Dr. Porter’s office door opened. Someone left and he smiled at me. I took her hand and walked her into his office. 

“Liam! It’s good to see you!” He said smiling. He turned to Olivia,

“You must be Olivia.” He said, shaking her hand. She nodded, 

“Nice to meet you Dr. Porter” She said. He motioned to the couch and we sat. 

“So, Olivia. Can you tell me why you decided you needed to speak with me?” He asked her. 

“Well, I was expecting a baby and I had a miscarriage two days ago. I’ve had a rough year, things haven’t been going well and I figured it might be healthy to talk to someone about it.” He nodded, I loved Dr. Porter. No judgement, to stupid little notebook. He just listened and asked questions. 

“Ok Olivia, when you say you’ve had a rough year can you give me a rundown on what you mean. Just remember the fact that I don’t know anything about what's been happening to you. Please give me details.” He said, smiling at her. She took my hand. 

“Ok, Well I guess it’s been almost two years now since things started going downhill.” She said, he remained silent and so did I. I stroked her hand. Supporting her. 

“Liam was sent on active duty, I was ok until after christmas and then for some reason that I don’t understand I decided to break up with him.” She said, This he knew about. I had told him about it. 

“When you say, you don’t understand what made you break up with him. That gives me something that I want to dig into.” He said. She nodded. 

“What were you feeling when you made the decision?” He asked her. 

“Ummm. I guess I was scared, I was really scared actually. I worried he wouldn’t come home to me. I didn’t want to be a widow.” She said. He nodded. 

“Olivia, that is very understandable. It’s a scary thing being the spouse of an active duty soldier. What else were you feeling?” He asked her. Making her dig into her thoughts. 

“I was lonely, and sad. I was really sad. But honestly breaking up with him made that sadness multiply.” She said. Dr. Porter nodded. 

“Yes and how did you deal with those feelings?” He asked her. She looked down. 

“Don’t be embarrassed, Dr. Porter isn’t judging you.” I said. He smiled at me and winked. 

“Liam’s right, I am not judging. My job is to listen, help you dig into your feelings and work through them until you learn to move past them.” He said. She nodded. 

“I let myself fall into a toxic relationship, I drank everyday and I let him emotionally abuse me.” She said. Dr. Porter nodded. 

“Did you feel good about the relationship?” He asked her. 

“At first it seemed ok. I wasn’t in love with him like I had been Liam.” She said, she started to cry. I wrapped an arm around her. He handed her tissues. 

“But it was ok, it was new. He would buy my alcohol which I appreciated because I could hide it from my father.” She said, the tears were falling freely. 

“What makes you think the relationship was toxic other than him enabling your drinking?” He asked her. She blew her nose. 

“He would belittle me. He’d make me feel guilty about stupid things until I would have s*x with him even when I didn’t want too. Then he would take me partying every night until I got black out drunk.” She said. Dr. Porter nodded at her. 

“Ok Olivia, I don’t want to rush you, but we are about half done with our session for today.  So I don’t want to rush you, but can we talk about the baby?” He asked. She nodded. 

“Ok, the baby was Connors.” She said. Dr. Porter nodded. 

“I felt so guilty about it, I wished for it to be Liam’s.” She continued. 

“Why were you guilty about it? You had broken up with Liam right?” He asked her.

“Yes I had, but I wished I hadn’t.” She said. 

“Why?” He asked her. 

“Because, I knew the whole time that Liam was my soulmate. I knew it the first minute I saw him. I was ashamed that I had second guessed that.” She said. 

“But you were young, seventeen when he left right?” Dr. Porter asked her. She nodded. 

“So, how many people do you think meet their soulmate at seventeen?” He asked her. 

“None.” She said, 

“Do you think that maybe, you needed to have those life experiences so that you would be able to appreciate what you and Liam were and will be again?” He asked her. She was quiet. Contemplating what he said. He was right I knew it. 

“Maybe.” She said. He smiled. 

“Ok, so we know the baby wasn’t Liam’s and you felt guilty about that. So continue with that thought.” He said. She looked at me quietly. I smiled at her, encouraging her. 

“Ok. Well… Ummm…” She said. Dr. Porter looked at me. I shrugged. 

“Do you need Liam to wait outside?” He asked her. 

“No!” She said, 

“I don’t have secrets from him. I just haven’t told him what I want to say to you.” She said. She looked at me again.

“I’m sorry.” She said. 

“Don’t be, just tell me baby.” I said. 

“Liam is one of the most understanding people I have ever had the pleasure to work with. I think you can tell him anything in your mind and he won't be upset.” Dr. Porter said. I winked at him. 

“OK, I contemplated aborting the baby. I discussed it with my best friends but ultimately I decided to keep the baby.” She said. Holy crap. She was going to abort the baby? Why didn’t she discuss this with me. Neither of us said anything. We let her continue. 

“I feel guilty now for feeling that way. Liam told me he was going to love that baby because it was a part of me and then I thought about getting rid of it to make our lives easier.” She said. I was sad that she felt that way. I looked over at her. Then at the good doctor. 

“Can I say something here?” I asked. They both nodded at me. 

“Olivia, I’m not sure but I think it is only natural for those thoughts to cross your mind. Especially as young as you are, not married, not trying for a baby. I can’t imagine what you felt like. I’m sorry that you regret that thought but I honestly believe it’s only natural.” I said. Hoping to give her a little something, something to move on with. 

“I felt a little bit of relief when it happened.” She said, very quietly I almost didn’t hear her. 

“I think Liam’s right Olivia. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t mean you deserved it. You are thinking things that would naturally occur to most young women your age.” He said. She nodded. 

“Do you think that I will ever be able to work past how I’m feeling?” She asked, I nodded at her. So did Dr. Porter. 

“Olivia, I know you can. You're young and resilient, you're smart. You can and will work through this. Before you know it you will be back to normal.” He said. She wiped her eyes again. Sobs wracked her body a little. She nodded. 

“Ok, thank you for this. Sorry I can’t quit crying.” She said. He smiled at her. 

“Olivia I want you to cry during these sessions. If that’s what you need that's what you can do.” He said. 

“I’m sad to say our time is up. But I would like to schedule you to come weekly for a while.” He said to her. His secretary scheduled her for next week and we headed out to the parking lot. 

“Well?” I asked her as we exited the building. 

“One day at a time right?” She said, climbing into the passenger seat. 

“Yea baby, one day at a time.” I said kissing her hand and heading us back to home.