Phoenix Falling

January 3, 2017 Dear Liam   This letter, is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever write.  I know why you go to war.  I have nothing but respect for you in that matter. You are the most brave and selfless man that I have ever known.  I will always think highly of you. But I can’t take you leaving anymore.  It hasn’t even been a month and I feel sick.  I can’t even function on a daily level.  Liam I love you to the bottom of my heart.  I think I always will.  But being alone had made me angry.  It’s made me sad. I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep. I’m a walking zombie and I need to move on and live life because right now.  I’m not living.  I’m writing you because I always promised not to lie to anyone.  I need to end this relationship between us.  I’m not blaming you.  I knew what I was getting myself into.  This is my fault.  And we both know that you can’t leave and come home.  Please don’t blame yourself.  I won’t bother you.  I won’t try and force you to talk to me.  I won’t write anymore, nor will I call.  I never wanted to hurt you and somehow I managed to do exactly that.  I have to thank you for everything.  The love that you showed to me can never be compared too.  I’ll never forget you and I will never stop loving you.  I wish you the best.  Please make it home for your family and for yourself.  And don’t re-up.  Your mom and I just spent an hour on the phone crying to one another.  She will never tell you this but this is as hard on her as it is on me.  One day you will find someone who deserves your love.  Who will love you unconditionally and never hurt you.  Thank you for never hurting me.    Yours always Olivia I wasn't sure what the hell was going through my mind as I wrote the letter. Then I walked drunkenly down the street to the mailbox and dropped it in. On my way back I panicked. What the hell kind of coward was I? Breaking up with a soldier because he wasn't coming home as fast as I wanted? What about all the women who stood by their men during the world wars? I was trash. I was lower than trash. I was utter garbage. But I also knew that I couldn't be with a soldier. I had thought I could and now I knew I couldn't. At the first sight of real battle I had quit. Thrown in the towel.  I was not worthy of him. The next day I took the bracelet. Put it back in it's box and set it on his dresser. I turned and looked at the bed. He had made such sweet love to me in that bed. I fell to my knees crying. Crying myself dry for the hundredth time since he had left. But this time it was my fault. I did this. He probably didn't even know yet. My brain kept telling me to get up. My inner self looking on in disgust. You did this. Not him now get off this floor and go home dammit. So I did. I moved on with my life. Going through the daily motions. Going to school, going to lunch with the girls and sometimes Connor. Going home, doing homework and going to bed.      I kept up on my promise. I didn't call, I didn't write. A month later when my phone rang with a number I didn't know with a country code I didn't know I hit decline. A few minutes later, Ding* f**k he left me a voicemail. I listened to it, even though I knew it was a stupid idea.  "Olivia, please god. Please call me back. If you dial 9-876-665-4775 and ask for me someone will get you through to me. Please Olivia. I need to speak with you." I could hear the tears and I should have cried. But I was cried out. Nothing happened and I didn't call back. A week later Paisley text me.  Liam Called. He Re-upped. Two more years? Dude. WTF? Are you ok?  I had asked him not to re-up. He had done it anyway. That meant I did the right thing right? I hadn't promised not to contact her had I? So I answered.  I didn't know. I broke up with him. I Just couldn't do it. I'm just not strong enough.  I was sitting in the living room doing my homework, trying to concentrate. But my phone dinged again. Olivia, I had hoped you were the one for him. I'm shattered over this. So is the family.  I didn't want to answer her anymore. But if I didn't she would keep texting me I knew it.  I know Paisley. I just can't do it. I'm not the girl for it. I still Love him. I'm pretty sure that I always will. I can't talk about this. One day, maybe things will be different. But for right now. I'm broken. Emotionless. I hope he will be ok.  She didn't answer me. I was glad. She had reached out. She knew I loved him. I secretly hoped she would tell him. But I wasn't going to do it myself. I moved on. Finishing my homework and picking up the university applications that I needed to fill out. I had decided to apply to not only the University of Arizona but also to Berkley, UBC in Vancouver and Oxford. I didn't know if I had a shot at any of them. But honestly, what was left here? Tim was always working and I could make new friends. I mailed the applications and came back into the house to put dinner out before he got home.  ******** Liam ********     The mail bag had dropped that morning, I was beyond excited. I needed a little love from home. I smiled thinking of her. The one, the girl that had changed my life.  It had been weeks since I had gotten any letter from home. The letter carrier dropped a pile of letters in front of me. I skipped through them looking for one from her. Sure enough, there it was. My heart skipped a beat. But I wondered why she had already sent another. There was no way she had gotten my last reply. I brushed it off assuming that she was lonely. The phone call I had managed to make a few weeks ago was awful. I'm sure I had broken her heart again. The tears I had heard in her voice made me want to shed my own. I was causing her pain and I hated it. I should try and call her again I though absentmindedly. I slid the letter from the envelope and began reading.  January 3, 2017 Dear Liam   This letter, is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever write.  I know why you go to war.  I have nothing but respect for you in that matter. You are the most brave and selfless man that I have ever known.  I will always think highly of you. But I can’t take you leaving anymore.  It hasn’t even been a month and I feel sick.  I can’t even function on a daily level.  Liam I love you to the bottom of my heart.  I think I always will.  But being alone had made me angry.  It’s made me sad. I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep. I’m a walking zombie and I need to move on and live life because right now.  I’m not living.  I’m writing you because I always promised not to lie to anyone.  I need to end this relationship between us.  I’m not blaming you.  I knew what I was getting myself into.  This is my fault.  And we both know that you can’t leave and come home.  Please don’t blame yourself.  I won’t bother you.  I won’t try and force you to talk to me.  I won’t write anymore, nor will I call.  I never wanted to hurt you and somehow I managed to do exactly that.  I have to thank you for everything.  The love that you showed to me can never be compared too.  I’ll never forget you and I will never stop loving you.  I wish you the best.  Please make it home for your family and for yourself.  And don’t re-up.  Your mom and I just spent an hour on the phone crying to one another.  She will never tell you this but this is as hard on her as it is on me.  One day you will find someone who deserves your love.  Who will love you unconditionally and never hurt you.  Thank you for never hurting me.    Yours always Olivia I hadn’t needed to finish the letter to know exactly what was coming.  In all honesty I knew that this was a possibility the whole time along.  But it still felt like someone had taken a crow bar and beat me repeatedly across the chest.  I found myself unable to breathe.  My face hot, I felt panic.  I fanned myself and tried to gasp for air.  I stood, punched the truck in front of me splitting my knuckles open. Blood spraying across the beige paint.  “f**k!” I yelled throwing the letter into the fire.   “f**k!” I fought tears.  Not caring that the men around me looked up in concern.  I didn’t care that I was supposed to be the toughest man here.  The one thing that could phase me had just come undone.  My closest friend Chuck jumped to his feet.  I punched the truck again damn that hurt, but it hurt so good. “f**k!” I screamed again punching it again the blood continuing to splattering across it.    “Woah, Liam man what?” He asked,  “She left me!” I yelled.  I punched the truck again. f**k that hurt, so I punched it again and again.  Blood from my hand spraying the brown paint job.   “Liam, Liam woah man.” Chuck said grabbing my arm. Stopping me from completely destroying what was left of my hand.    “Buddy, she’s young and she’s never been through this I gaurantee this is just a break down, she probably regrets it.” I looked at him and for one moment I debated breaking his neck right then and there.  Like he knew anything.  He had no idea how I felt.  I had opened my heart to her.  I loved her so much.  I even had an engagement ring hidden away.  I leaned back against the truck and sank to the ground putting my head into my hands.  He sat beside me throwing an arm over me. The tears spilled over my eyes.  I hid them from him.   “Liam I can freaking gaurantee it that when you get home her panties drop for you.” He said.  “I don’t want her panties to drop I want more, I've been in her panties enough to know that she's all I want.” I said pissed off. He’s probably right though I thought to myself, a moment of hope coming through to me.  Maybe I should request a transfer and get close enough to her that she could come to the base and I could make love to her.  Make her realize that she didn’t mean it.  Good luck with that. We're in freaking war. I lead one of the strongest battalions over here. The letter coming back to me the angry flowing through me again I felt tears building up once more and spilling over again.  I felt my  heart shatter into a million pieces.  No f**k her, she wants us to be over.  She probably found some other lay. I’m not going to beg. I tried to be tough, pretending it didn't even matter.   “f**k that Chuck.  If she wants to w***e around she can go right on ahead I’m not begging.” I said, my body vibrating with rage. He laughed at me.  Openly whole heartedly he laughed as though I was being a big baby. “Liam, for fucksakes man, stop being a big baby.  Did she say she has a new guy?” He questioned me easily.   “Ummm.  No she said she couldn’t do this anymore.” I answered plainly.  “Liam you haven’t even been dating long.  If you had put a ring on it before you came I could see her waiting.  She’s seventeen years old.You fell in love with a little girl.” He said pointedly. f**k, he was right. I'm an old man, banging a little girl.  “What were you doing at seventeen?” He asked obviously Trying to desperately make a point and get me to smarten up.  “When I was seventeen I was f*****g anything that would hold still long enough.”  I said quietly praying to god that wasn’t what she was doing.    “She said she would always love me.  That she wouldn’t bother me.  But she never said that I couldn’t contact her.”  I said, and an awkward silence ensued as I wished I hadn’t thrown her letter in the fire so that he could have read it. I knew if she was here I would drop down on my knees and beg.  I would grovel at her feet.  “Chuck I bought her a ring.” I said staring at my feet.  He stopped and looked at me.  His eye’s knowing me completely.   “But you didn’t give it to her did you?” He asked once again I knew he already knew the answer.  He knew me as well as I knew myself. I simply shook my head.  “Keep the ring Liam and when you get home you do everything you can to make her want you. Maybe this is the perfect chance to let her finish being a teenager, let her grow up and get it out of her system.” He said sombrely.  I nodded knowing that he was right. She hadn’t been with a man before me.  But I knew I was good in bed, what more could she want.   “Jesus Chuck, I’m a stud in the sack what more could she want?” I asked him seriously.  He laughed,  “Liam, how many guys did she sleep with before you to compare too? And by guys I mean men, not boys.  We all know that boys do nothing for the ladies.” I nodded. He was right about that, I hadn’t told him anything about it.  But I guess if she’s going to leave me via letter I can dish.   “I was her first Chuck.” I said, staring at my feet.  He started laughing again and gave me that look that said, told you so.   "Man, when I get home I am going to marry her.  But if I hold on for the next two years only to get crushed I’m breaking your nose.”I said flexing my fists.  “Liam, go write her a letter, tell her you love her. Tell her that you’re not done, that when you get home you are going to marry her.  Tell her everything. If she breaks you again I’ll stand and get my broken nose like a man.”  He said looking completely unafraid.   I pretended to believe him.  But deep down I was worried.  I couldn’t lose her.  I needed to write her to let her have her fun.  But to keep me in her head.  I mentally put all of the words into her letter deep into.    February 6, 2017 Olivia To say that I am crushed is an understatement.  You have taken my heart. Ripped it from my chest and stomped on it.  I trusted you Love but I also understand that you are young.  I am going to force myself to believe that you are simply needing some you time and I am going to hope that you get it out of your system. Get a boyfriend, have fun. Sleep around. Whatever you need. I love you still, no matter what you do to me that will never change.  I don’t want you to be at home and feel lonely and sad.  Do what you need to stay happy darling.  Don’t forget about me please.  I will be home and when I am you and i will be together forever.  When i get home i am going to do my best to win you back and to marry you.  I am not going to give up on you.  Write and call me as much as you want Love because I will never not love you.     Until we meet again   P:S in my top dresser drawer is something for you.  I wanted to give it to you in a better way.  But since I can’t, go get it and do with it what you want.  Liam   With that I knew my next mission in life was to make a life with the girl I loved.  I would never walk away from her it wouldn’t matter what she did to me.  I put the letter in the mail bag and went the the first aid tent to have my knuckles bandaged up.  I hoped deep down that she would go looking for the ring.  I hoped that the next time I saw her she would be wearing it.   As the nurse was stitching me up I found myself fighting the urge just to call her.  By the time that she was done with the repair of my hand I couldn’t wait anymore.  I dialed her cell and listened to it ring.   “The number you have called cannot be reached.” f**k.  Did she block me?  I left a message.  "Olivia, please god. Please call me back. If you dial 9-876-665-4775 and ask for me someone will get you through to me. Please Olivia. I need to speak with you." I had to move past this. She would be there when I got back. I knew it.  ****** March ****** ****** April ****** ****** May ****** ******** Olivia ********     June took forever to roll around but eventually it was here. Grad parties started the week before the ceremony. I had not intentions of going but Peyton decided to host one. I had to of course go. I didn't intend on drinking but Connor walked up and handed me a glass. He had been a good friend lately. Not hitting on me. Letting me be alone, but good conversation when it's needed.  "Olivia, so we are graduated." He said, leaning on the door frame behind him.  I nodded. Taking a sip of the drink he had handed me. Holy christ this is strong. I made a mental note to sip slowly.  "Yes, I guess we are." I answered. Stepping closer to him so I could hear him over the music. He smiled at me.  "Want to play one of these lame drinking games?" He asked, nodding towards beer pong. I shook my head. No.  "Want to go sit by the pool?" He asked, looking out the back door. There were tons of people splashing in it. Screaming, diving. I shook my head again. No.  "Want to go upstairs where its quiet?" He said, looking upstairs. I didn't see that as a bad idea. So I followed him up to his room. I had been in here before. The girls and I had done a school project with him. Most of the work ensued in his room as it was bigger than Peyton's. I sat on the bed, nodding at the TV.  "Why don't you turn on a movie?" I suggested. He slipped a disc in and the screen came to life. I wasn't really watching it. I just needed a reason to be here. I didn't want to be here. After a while I had finished my drink. Connor stood up,  "I'm going to get snacks, do you want another drink?" he asked.  "Yea sure, why not." I said as he left the room.  Instead of a drink, he brought back a bottle of vodka, two glasses and some mix. I slid onto the floor and he sat beside me. Pouring me another drink.  "Want to play never have I ever?" He asked. Eh why not. This movie was lame.  "Sure." I said, picking up my drink.  "You start" He said. I thought for a moment. Jesus, what had I done.  "Never have I ever gotten a tattoo." I said. He smiled then drank. Where? I wondered. I hadn't seen one. As if to answer my unspoken question he stood. Lowering his shorts over his hip where a celtic knot sat directly in the middle of his hip muscles. It spanned out, a tribal piece of art swirling over half of his side. As he lowered his shorts I noticed his treasure trail, going straight down to his..... Then he lifted them back up and sat down.  "Nice." I said, needing to think about something else.  "My turn!" He said too enthusiastically.  "Never have I ever gone down on someone." He said cheerily. I stopped. What the actual f**k. Can't we play this game clean? But whatever. He hadn't given anyone Oral? I drank. Oh it burned, it was a good burn. It stopped in my stomach. The black hole of my body that hadn't yet healed from it's loss.  "Care to elaborate?" he asked.  "Nope, my turn." I said, changing the subject.  "Never have I ever gone sky diving." I said, and to my surprise he drank.  "It's fun you should try it." He said smiling.  "Never have I ever had sex." He said, staring me down. I drank. But then so did he.  "Connor don't you have to say things you've never done?" I asked him. Absentmindedly taking another swig. Burn baby burn. I hadn't had a single sip since I broke up with Liam and this was perfect. It burned so good. I took another.  "I don't know I was just trying to find out about you." He said smugly.  I sipped again. Pretty soon. I had polished off the bottle. Our game was forgotten. As I kept drinking I noticed that the empty hole in my heart was filled. Or numb. I couldn't figure out exactly which one.  "Connor, we need another bottle!" I shouted, holding up the empty one. He looked down at it.  “Olivia, are you sure you need more booze?” He asked “Ummm… duh? I’m out!” I replied, he headed downstairs bringing me back another bottle. I cracked it and started drinking. My mind blurry.  "Connor, my heart is broken." I said to him. He nodded as if he had known.  I reached out drunkenly, grabbed his hand and placed it on my heart. Or my boob. Not sure which one.  "See, broken!" I said again. He nodded. Then I leaned over and kissed him briefly.  "Oops." I said when I broke away from him. He looked at me for a minute and then he pounced. Pinning me against the floor he brought his mouth to mine.  His tongue prying my mouth apart and searching mine.  I met him with the same passion as he met me.   I felt his hands slide down my sides to my hips.  I felt the air hit my back as he started lifting my shirt. At that moment I sobered up.   “Connor.” I said into his mouth, but he continued pulling my shirt off.  “Connor!” I said louder, pushing him off me.  In that moment I wondered if he would respect me.  Was he going to get mad at me for teasing him.   “I’m sorry.” I whispered into the darkness.  I couldn’t see his face.  I had no idea what he was thinking.  I prayed for him to remain calm.   “It’s ok.” He said in reply.  I breathed a sigh of relief.   “This feels like I am cheating on Liam.” I said.  "You broke up with him months ago." He said, from in the black. I felt so outrageously horny.  Maybe just once wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe this is what I needed.  I reached down pulling my shirt off.  He snaked his arm around my waist bringing his mouth to my chest. My hands moved to his belt.  Undoing it.  I wrapped my legs around him and he unsnapped my bra.  Throwing it to the side.  He brought his mouth to my n*****s.  I moaned, throwing my head back. My hands snaking through his hair.  Holy s**t, I’ve drank too much.  He jerked his shirt over his head. I found myself disappointed at the lack of muscle.  But he wasn’t bad looking that was for sure.  I started sliding his pants off his hips. In this angle the TV gave me enough light to see his erection. He stood to kick his feet free.  “Tell me how big I am.” He whispered. He was smaller than Liam by quite a bit.  But I wasn’t sure if he was small. I didn’t have anything to compare it too.   “It’s huge Connor.  So big.”  I said, fluffing his ego as I drunkenly slipped him into my mouth.  I twirled my tongue around him and took his entire shaft into my mouth.  Something I couldn’t do with Liam.  He grabbed my hair and forced himself as far as he would go into my mouth.  Woah, rough.  But kinky.  I kind of like it.  His fist in my hair forcing my head back and forth until he came in my mouth.  Oh yuck! His was gross.  I sat up to find something to spit in.  But he wrapped his hand around my chin.  “Swallow baby please?” What?  "Please, I love it when women swallow me." He said looking at me intently. Fine whatever, I did as he asked.   “Olivia, you give great head.” He said then chuckled.  Really? Great head? Well if it was so great return the damn favour I thought to myself. I took another swig of my drink.  Glancing at him once in a while waiting for him to offer me my own release.  Fucker! I thought to myself halfway through the movie.  Finally he looked at me. “Stand up” He said, I did and he pulled my jeans roughly down my thighs.  Taking them off my feet and throwing them to a pile on the floor.  He threw me up on the bed and grabbed the TV remote changing the channel to an adult film.  Oh my god, I had never watched an adult film before.  Turning me to face it and placing me on all fours he asked. “Condom?” “Definitely.” I said quietly.   “Your about to be f****d like you’ve never been f****d before.” He said kissing my back.  Then he positioned himself behind me.  “Connor.” I said, stopping him.  “Don’t tease me now.” He said almost upset.  “I’m not.” I defended.   “It’s just that I haven’t done this very much and I’d appreciate it if you’d take it a bit slow at first.”  I said.  I was really feeling the effects of the booze.  My head spinning.  I felt a finger slide into me. Yes, I thought. My god I am so horny.  “You are so wet for me.” He whispered into my ear sliding in another finger. I moaned. “Ah yes Connor more.” I pleaded.  My eyesight was starting to blacken around the edges from the booze. His finger disappeared.  I felt him behind me holding my hips and his member probing at me.  I instantly felt regret. I didn't want to do this. But I was so horny I had been for months and the alcohol pushed me further.  I focused on the TV trying to remove myself from what was happening.  He thrust in and out of me.  Pounding me on and on.  I was disgusted by the things happening on the Tv but it wasn’t as bad as how I felt about what I was doing.  Whatever he was doing was doing nothing for me, not that I really expected it too. Liam had been so selfless and it took him forever to help me finish.  I finally gave up and faked it. “God yes, Connor, Oh my god.” I screamed into the night.  I figured he would see through it and call me out but instead I felt him grasp my hips tighter and heard him grunt as he came again.  “There baby all done.  Hope it was good for you." He said, rolling off of me. I collapsed. My knees weak and my head spinning. He reached up and slapped my ass and the world went dark.      When I woke in the morning I knew something had happened between Connor and I.  Well obviously there was a dirty movie on the TV and I was naked in his room.  However, I had no idea if I liked it.  If it was fun.  I felt regret.  I also felt hungover, really hung over. I jumped up running for his bathroom. He was in the shower. s**t, owel too late. I lifted the lid and expelled my guts into it. He peeked out the curtain.  "You ok?" He asked me. I nodded. I left the bathroom, dressing quickly and sneaking out through the mess of passed out teenagers. When I got home I went to Liam's house instead. I jumped in his shower trying to wash the guilt away.  What was I thinking!  When the smell of Connor was gone and the smell of Liam’s body wash had covered my skin I made my way to my own bed.  Connor had texted me three times.    Liv, baby how you feeling?   Liv, you sick? You’re probably just busy I’ll stop by tonight k babe?    My brain was telling me to text him and tell him that I don’t want to continue this relationship but my heart was broken into a thousand pieces like the glass I had shattered on the wall at home.  So I let it go.  Not answering either way.  I spent the day at sleeping off the night before. Dozing in and out, thinking about breaking up with Liam. Thinking about it made me want a drink.  I could feel the urge burning in my throat. I went downstairs dug around looking for wine and when I couldn’t find any I poured myself a stiff scotch and sat down to do my homework. I was halfway done my homework and on my third drink when the doorbell rang.  God dammit I just want to be alone with my alcohol.  I got up and stomped over to the door. I opened it to see Connor standing there. Oh for f***s sake.  But he had a bottle of whiskey in one hand.  I guess if he has something for me I can let him in.  He rushed through the door wrapping himself around me and kissing my deeply.  I took the bottle from him while he moved on down to my neck I cracked the bottle open and took a swig.  He picked me up and wrapped his hands around my bottom carrying me up the stairs to my room.  I had finished a quarter of the bottle by the time he had gotten me on my bed.  Half of it was gone when he tore my panties off of me.  Then he took it from my hand.  Took a swig himself, set it on my nightstand.   “Slow down dammit you’re going to get floor licking drunk.”  He said laughing.  He pushed his hips at me.  Really? I thought.   “Common Liv, let’s fuck.”  He said pushing my head towards him.  I obliged because the liquor was making me not want to argue and only until I felt that he was hard enough then I tossed him another condom.  He grabbed my hips, flipped me over on my stomach.  He spread my legs, I wanted him to touch me gently.  Carress my folds until my slit gleamed moist for him but he just slammed himself into me.  Then wrapped his hand in my hair and tugged my head back.  He f****d me.  It wasn’t love it wasn’t soft or gentle.  It was hard, rough f*****g.  He thrust himself as hard as he could into me.  His pelvis pummeling mine.  His hand jerking my hair pulling at my scalp. And then he spanked me.  It stung, and brought tears to my eyes but the pain of his hand on my buttocks took away some of the pain from my heart.   “Again,” I whispered.  Once again the smacked me.   “Harder.” I whispered again.  He hit me harder, this one hurt so good!  “f**k me.” I said wanting him to break my body. He thrust into me so hard it radiated to my head.  “f**k me.” I said even more loudly.  He pounded into me.  I was getting wet.  My head was hurting from where he was pulling my hair.  My ass from the spanking but my heart felt fine.  But this s**t was turning me on?  “Make me come Connor.” I screamed out.  I reached down to rub my clit, help him, to urge me over the finish.   “Hurry up Liv.” He pleaded.  I came just in time.  Crying out as I tumbled down the other side.  The pain in my heart returned as he pulled out of me.  The regret in my soul echoing louder.  I knew I could never love Connor.  But I didn’t care, for a couple of minutes it was like getting rid of a migrane.  That couple of minutes was horrible in it’s own way.  But almost heaven in another.  I hurt from the spanking.  I hurt from the f*****g and now I hurt in my heart.  I heard the sound of his zipper to my surprise he stood me up turned me around and kissed me.   “How about I pick you up in the morning for school?” He asked. I nodded a yes.  He proceeded to kiss me again. Then he turned and walked out of my room.  The door closed down stairs and I took myself into the shower.  For hours I sat crying on the tile floor.  My life in shambles around me.  Why I had I let this mess happen?