Phoenix Falling

Chapter 18

I woke up in the middle of the night. Jerking rudely awake. I was sweaty, hot and sweaty. My legs drenched. I sat up and flicked on the light. 

“Liam.” I cried out panicking. He jumped up and flicked his light on. 

“Oh my god.” He said grabbing my hands, which were covered in my blood. He opened the bedroom door. 

“Tim!” He yelled. I heard him thumping around. I hadn’t moved yet. 

“Olivia.” Liam said, trying to pull me into the now. I sat, just staring at the blood. I wasn’t sure what else to do. 

“Olivia baby, we gotta go to the hospital.” Liam said. Tim came running into the bedroom, pulling a shirt on. 

“What's wrong…..” He trailed off. 

“Crap. Olivia. You gotta go to the hospital.” He said. 

“I’ll go pull the car out of the garage.” He said to Liam rushing downstairs. I still hadn’t moved. Liam grabbed a heavy wool blanket from the closet in the hall then wrapped me in it and picked me up. He carried me down the stairs and sat in the backseat of the car with me. Holding me tight. 

“Shhhh.” He said, rocking me back and forth as he brushed the hair from my face. Tim was completely silent. Not saying a word. He drove fast though, as fast as he could to the nearest hospital. When we got there he held the door so Liam could get out. I still hadn’t said a word. Liam carried me into the emergency section and walked up to the nurse.

“Can I please get a wheel chair for my fiance.” He asked her. She hurried and brought one for me. He set me in it. 

“What seems to be the issue?” She asked him, probably smart. I still couldn’t seem to function. 

“She’s twelve weeks pregnant and she’s bleeding heavily.” He said. She nodded typing on the computer. He gave her my information and she wheeled us into a back room. A doctor came into the room. 

“Miss Dawson, I am Dr. Po.” She said, I heard her but I didn’t respond. 

“Can you lay back for me dear?” She asked. I did as she asked. She pulled out an ultrasound machine and started running it over my belly. Tim came in at this point and held the hand that Liam didn’t have. The screen wasn’t facing me so I had no idea what she could see. I finally spoke. 

“My baby is ok right?” I asked her. 

“I’m just trying to find out Miss Dawson. Bleeding can occur during some pregnancies. No worries just yet ok?” She said. She smiled at me, but I didn’t believe her. I had a feeling. I knew, I had woken up knowing my baby wasn’t right. 

“I can see the baby miss dawson. But I need to hear a heartbeat ok?” She said. Smiling at me again. She tried for what seemed like an eternity. Every second I found worse than the one before. I had seriously thought about getting rid of this baby myself. How sick was that. I had wanted rid of it and now god was punishing me. He was taking this baby from my body because I hadn’t loved it enough. 

“Let me grab my colleague, we need a second opinion ok?” She asked me. I nodded but the tears started. Liam dropped to his knees beside me. I gripped his hand tightly. 

“Liam this is my fault.” I cried, I cried hard. I sobbed. He tried to shush me. But I just kept repeating it over and over. 

“It’s my fault, It’s my fault. I did this.” I said. The doctor came back in the room with another doctor. 

“Evening Miss Dawson. I’m Dr. Cooper. Do you mind if I take a look?” He asked. I nodded. He put the ultrasound back onto my belly. Another eternity passed. He turned the machine off. 

“Miss Dawson, I’m afraid that we cannot find a heartbeat.” He said sadly. I nodded. I already knew. He didn’t have to tell me. My baby was gone. While I had once regretted being pregnant. Now I regretted ever feeling that way. Liam had been right the whole time. It was a little piece of me. A tiny little blurb on a screen. Now it was gone. I wept. I wept and wept. There wasn’t really anything else to do. Tim let go of my hand and Liam climbed up into the hospital bed with me. Holding me tightly as I cried. I don’t really know at what point I quit crying, but at some point I just couldn’t cry anymore. Tim had signed my paperwork for the benefits to cover my visit. I was waiting and done crying when he came back. 

“Can we go home?” I asked. He nodded. He had a pamphlet of instructions with him. Liam wheeled me to the car and put me in the front seat. I looked numbly out the window as we drove home. When we got there Tim rushed upstairs. Liam walked me up to my room. When we got there Tim was just leaving my room. My bedding in his arms. I hadn’t said anything since we left the hospital. What was there to say? I was cramping badly though. So I looked at Liam.

“I could use some pain killers.” I said. He nodded at me. Then he ran downstairs and brought me advil and water. I took them. Then I made my way to the bathroom. 

“Do you want me to come in there?” He asked me. I shook my head no and closed the door behind me. I turned on the shower and got in. The water turned my skin bright red with the heat. I washed the blood from my thighs, rinsing what had been a baby from my body. When I was clean I slid myself onto the floor of the shower, the water cascading down upon me and I wept silently so Liam wouldn’t hear me. I felt like a huge pile of rocks were pinning me to the floor of that shower. The scalding water burning my evil thoughts out of my brain. Why had I ever thought of getting rid of it? It hurt so bad now. I had started to bond with that baby the moment I conceived. Even before I knew. Everything had just come shattering down around me. Just when I thought that I was going to be happy. Planning a wedding, marrying my soulmate. Something had to come and rip my heart apart. My cramping started getting worse. I rolled so the water was falling onto my back. Trying to get the muscle spasms to quit. Blood mixed with water as a clot passed out of my body. I knew that was my baby. I held it. Staring at it. Wondering if this was gross. For some reason, this clot of tissue seemed to be the finale of that story. The end. It was a solid finish to something that could have been beautiful. Someone tapped on the bathroom door. I didn’t answer. But I heard the door crack. Then Someone opened the shower door. He came into the shower fully clothed and pulled me into his lap. 

“Oh baby,” He said, kissing me on the forehead. I wondered again if holding this little clot was gross. But it was my baby. 

“That’s my baby.” I said, I was oddly sure of this fact. Even though really I had no idea what a miscarried baby looked like. He held me tighter. He sat in the shower with me for god knows how long. Then I sat up, let the clot wash down the drain. I stood and held my hand out to him. Pulling him up to me. I grabbed him a towel from the towel warmer and one for myself. Then I went into my room. I dressed in pajamas. I went back into the bathroom and put a pad into my underwear. Curled up in bed beside Liam and silently mourned the loss of my first pregnancy.