VEINTISIETE
2015 Words
Plans with Arianna were rescheduled a couple of times. I was ready to face her and come clean. It was her with the conflict of interest. A week later, Arianna agreed to meet me at a small mom-and-pop diner around the corner from my place. Though I wanted to throw everything on the table, my brain went on hiatus. The American English language, completely forgotten. I left early because I was still reconfiguring what to say and how to say it gently. An empty booth at the back of the diner looked like it needed company. Plus, it was far enough from flies on the wall.
A man I assumed was the owner brought over utensils, a glass of water, and a menu all with a friendly smile. I thanked him, and he told me to take my time because everything was delicious. My stomach wouldn’t stop doing flips and thinking about food made it worse. But taking up a seat without ordering is the rudest thing a person could do. Opening the menu, the first thing I saw was a picture of a strawberry banana milkshake. Of course. Everywhere I looked there were tiny blips of memories I shared with Alixxander. The milkshake had to be a coinkydink. I ordered a BLT and a shake because of post-pregnancy cravings.
Arianna and I were alike in many ways. When it came to our families, not much was said. She told me she was born in Puerto Rico, but not of Puerto Rican descent. No further elaboration on the subject. Her parents seemed to be a touchy subject, like mine. I knew she moved to Rhode Island when she was twelve, and lived there until she started college. Basically, that was all. Passing up a down-to-earth woman that liked the simpleness of life would be zany. Her intelligence and vast expertise in multiple areas made her a badass conversationalist. Unlike me, she never made a monumental mistake. None that she admitted to at least. That was everything I knew about Arianna Davis. She knew even less about me.
Minutes later, she entered the diner. Her sun-kissed skin and golden eyes reminded me of an angel painting I once saw. When she saw me, she waved with enthusiasm and rushed to the booth. Bending down, we kissed cheeks. A first kiss had not happened. My confusion with Alixxander and a bad break up for her were the excuses we used for not rushing into a relationship. A friends first kinda thing. Her beaming happy-to-see-me grin made me want to chicken out. When I get nervous, I rub my hands together or fiddle with my fingers. I did both until my order arrived. Arianna refused the menu and rattled off her order.
Surprised, I asked, “You've been here before?”
“Ya. I don't live far from here. To be honest, I was excited when you asked me here.”
“Really? Why?”
Arianna admitted to finding me a tad intimidating. She feared a small diner was beneath me because I looked like the type to enjoy much finer things. School teaches us that looks can be deceiving. You know, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. Not just that, every individual has a different interpretation of the finer things. A burger and fries tastes as good as lobster to me. Right away we got off-topic. Before it went further, I told her we needed to talk.
“Talk as in, you are dating other people, or are you married? If it's none of those, I'm going to assume this is a break-up talk.” Break-up? We didn’t agree to be exclusive. I thought it was get-to-know-you-type dates.
Why did everyone assume I was married? Marriage wasn’t a goal I set to attain. The more I stared into her eyes, I knew it wasn’t fair to lead her on when I hadn’t dealt with the feelings I had for Alixxander. Never in my lifetime did I dream I would be giving a break-up speech. Women were a safer alternative for me. I didn’t explain why. That secret goes to my grave. After tripping over my words, I admitted to finding myself attracted to a man. I stressed the point that it was the first time in my life.
“I've had s*x with men too.” Had she let me finish, it would've been easier.
Beating around the bush was over. “Did you wind up pregnant? Because I did.”
Having a few close calls of her own was no big deal. It’s life. When you play Russian roulette with a c*ck, sometimes you pay the ultimate price for life. Children were not a deal-breaker for her. When I was ready to have her meet my child, she was ready. That’s when she needed all the details. Arianna’s words were loving and caring. Not one was tainted by her past lovers. We had a wonderful time during our dates. Telling her about a pregnancy felt like I’d be dooming any chance of a relationship. I didn’t want to scare her away.
“I lied when I told you I wasn’t around. You can’t meet my daughter. I suffered a miscarriage.”
Her eyes widened, and she slapped her hands over mine. “At least tell me the father was there with you.”
“I did call him.”
“Soooo, what?” Her demeanor changed rapidly. “Two people cared about you, and you insisted doing it alone would be better?” Yes, the fck I did. Why was she suddenly judging me? “Did this ahole even want the baby?”
More than anything. Her questions got personal. Was it s*x or a relationship? In a relationship you go out and do things together. Like she and I were in the diner. Alixxander and I only did things behind closed doors. Arianna surmised I was in love with him and that’s why I didn’t tell her. The more she jumped to conclusions, the less I wanted to say. Our fcked up situation began because of s*xual attraction. Whatever feelings I had for Alixxander could never be reciprocated in the right way because he'd been destroyed and devastated by Carma. He jumped into me because of the loneliness he felt. Anyone who took one look at him could see the lack of happiness in the avenue he’d traveled. I was a detour that should never have been taken.
I chose to say this, “I care about him as a person. S*x with him was enjoyable. Anything more than that was never possible.”
“Harmoney, you are a strong, vibrant, and beautiful human being. I really wish you had told me sooner. It's been what.....three weeks since your miscarriage? I can't imagine how lonely and lost you must feel.”
“I'm fine, Arianna. Really.” The last thing I needed was for someone to analyze me or my choices because they would’ve done it differently.
“If you don't mind, I'm going to go home. I need to think about everything you've said. Maybe I understand why you lied to me. Whether I can accept it is the question.”
She got up and kissed me on the lips. Deep and passionate. Our first kiss felt like our last. When it was over, I watched Arianna stroll away without looking back. That was a giant neon sign with her answer. No longer able to see her, I went to pay the bill.
“You're all set, darlin’.” The man’s nametag said ‘OWNER’. He patted my hand and pushed the money away.
“I haven't paid.”
“I promise I wasn’t eavesdropping. Losing your baby is hard enough. Add a break-up to the mix and it's the perfect storm. Take care of yourself, darlin’.”
My hormones were not quite fully under my control. The generosity and compassion of a perfect stranger was more than I could bear, and tears spilled down my cheeks. He came out from behind the counter and held me tightly. Every emotion I buried came to the surface. His kindness demanded I acknowledge and deal with them.
The walk home was tearless. Once I stepped into the empty elevator in my building, all bets were off. I didn’t know what to do, how to feel, or the best way to regain the self-control I lost. To make matters worse, the elevator doors opened on my floor to reveal Alixxander, Travis, Richie, and Román. Was no place safe for me? Could the day get more fcked up? I slinked away before one of them asked me if I was alright. It probably would’ve been Alixxander.
While unlocking my door, I heard, “Bro, you live next door to your lawyer?”
“Alixxander,” Great Román’s two cents. “You should see if she's okay. We can't have your representation busting out into tears if she's triggered by something.”
“I'm sure she's fine. Your employees do have lives outside of work. Dad, just keep mom busy while the caterers set up. Guests will arrive at seven sharp and mom's birthday will be extra special this year.”
Talk about humiliation. I couldn't get into my place fast enough. After closing the door, I looked around. The baby’s furniture was picked out and ordered. A few items were unable to be canceled. All of it already had specific areas cleared and ready for immediate set up. I was more than ready to be her mom and best friend. Wondering if she would have Alixxander's tanned skin or my natural light brown or his striking green eyes with my wavy dark hair, I finally broke. No matter what, she would've been a heart-stopper.
On the kitchen table sat a onesie. It said, “SPOILED BEFORE ARRIVAL BY DADDY AND MOMMY”. Yanking it off the table, I held it to my chest. Through flooded eyes, I made my way to the sofa. My baby girl was gone. Squeezing the tiny piece of cloth tighter, safe in my own home, the horrific wailing commenced. The house door smashed off the bookcase and Alixxander called out to me. So much for the safety of my own home.
“I'm worried about you. Talk to me. Please.” He did bust into my apartment.
I sat there, a blubbering mess, not knowing if I should say anything. Where would I start? Could I stop before saying too much? Everyone has struggles. The ones I dealt with would have sent others insane or to their death. Because of that, I considered myself to be a strong woman. Too bad I had reached my limits. Your typical person doesn’t strive to be a stereotype. Somewhere along my journey, I became one of the most hated stereotypes. The other woman. Carma isn’t innocent by no means. Alixxander was committed to her before marriage. I’d never been intrigued, mesmerized, or impressed the way I was by him. Plain logic couldn’t make sense of it, so I chose to give up trying and gave into the foreign urges. His charm mixed with the fire blazing in his eyes made it tougher to resist. Sitting beside me, waiting for me to speak. The blaze. Extingushed. Taken over by pity.
“I took your advice.”
“What advice?”
“You said I was embarrassed to admit I had s*x with a man that resulted in pregnancy. I know you were angry at the time. I was trying to move on.”
“What do you mean 'was'?”
“Arianna didn’t care I’d been with a man. She cared less about me being pregnant too. Not being upfront and honest. That killed us. You and she have something in common.”
“I can't imagine what that could be.”
“I refused to allow anyone to be by my side. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt like a failure.” Very, very long time.
- Writer
