You without me

Exhausted. That’s all I ever feel anymore, just bone deep, brain fried, exhaustion. Going through the motions like it would ever make a difference. He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence unless someone in his circle complains about me, which they do often. I’m not great at biting my tongue when people are rude. Then he yells at me and moves on with his day like I don’t exist again. Sitting at the table I look at the divorce papers in front of me and smile. Im going to be free of it all. Free of him, and her. Really everyone. The only people here who have ever been kind to me since Gran passed away are the house keepers and cooks. Gran. My heart always breaks a little more when I think of her. She was his grandmother, but her and I were really close. She’s the reason we got married. I used to think I saw what she did in him, in us, but now I think she just wanted us to be a good match, but now I know it wasn’t ever going to happen. He was supposed to come home for dinner so we could talk, but that was over two hours ago. I’m so tired of waiting on him. “Meet me at the court house at 8 AM tomorrow so we can quietly finalize these” I write on a note to leave on the divorce papers. I packed my bags earlier in the day, so I grab them and take one last look at the house that was supposed to be our home, and then head out the door. It still feels as cold and empty as it did when I first moved in. Now it’s time to move on. As I’m walking out the door I see his car pulling up, but I don’t have the energy for him anymore. “Looks like I don’t have a choice” I say to myself as I see his car pull right next to mine. I put my bags in the back and walk toward the driver seat to get in, hopefully he’ll be as tired as I am and just let me leave. He gets out of his car and looks at me. “You said you needed to talk?” No luck. “I did, but I now realize there’s nothing more to say, everything you need is in on the counter” I say as I start to get in my Rover. “So you call and specifically ask me to come home for dinner, and then plan to sneak off before I get here?” He asks condescendingly I just sigh “You don’t even have the decency to call and tell me you’re going to be this late and want to talk down to me?” “Alex-“ I cut him off with a wave of my hands “I don’t care to hear it Christian, there are divorce papers on the counter, I made an 8 AM appointment at the courthouse for tomorrow, be there.” I say as I shut my door and start the car. He rips my door back open, he seems… angry? That can’t be right, he hasn’t been interested in me or this marriage since the day we met. It was stupid on my part to think it would ever change. He’s standing between the door and my seat, this is the closest we’ve been in months, I always forget how good he smells, and how handsome he is. His sharp jaw and golden honey eyes. Looking at him now I cut myself a little slack for the years of holding on to the hope of someday holding his heart. Who wouldn’t want this man to love them? “Divorce? You think I’ll sign divorce papers and let you go just like that?” Sigh “You say that like it’s a crazy thing to think. Either way, I’m done. Be there tomorrow and we can do this quietly, or don’t show up and I’ll file on my own and it will go public. We both know you don’t want that hit on your image.” His eyes are sharply on me, nostrils flaring. I really didn’t expect him to react like this. He never wanted to get married, but the board of directors at his company were starting to have worries about his inability to settle down, and his grandma saw the chance to link us, hoping as much as I was that it would be a happily ever after story. Now it’s clear it was never in the cards for us. I try an reach for the door handle to signal I want to shut the door and leave, but he refuses to budge out of the way. “What’s this about? Money?” He growls out “Money?” I raise my eyebrows and stare him down, he just stares right back. “I’m done with this. Be there tomorrow. You should check the statements on the card you gave me, I never wanted your money. I know better than to expect you to know much about me, but THAT, you should know!” I start getting louder the more I talk, I’m pissed off he would even insinuate I gave a s**t about his money. I’m pissed off I wasted 6 years of my life on this man. f**k what I said earlier, I don’t care how handsome his stupid face is, he doesn’t deserve me or my love and he never has. “Now MOVE!!” I yell as I put my Land Rover in gear. “I’m leaving weather you’re in the way or not!” He angrily reaches over me into the car and throws it back into gear then he smirks at me as he takes the keys out of the ignition and pockets them. “We’re talking about this… after six years of marriage you owe me that.” He says, he’s calmer now that he thinks he’s won, but the more he talks and looks at me, the angrier I get. I owe him?? I don’t owe this man a single damn thing. I laugh, exasperated. “Owe you?” I say quietly as I stare straight ahead. “I gave up my life to be married to you, and what have I gotten out of it? The majority of our conversations are you berating me for sticking up for myself without even hearing my side. 6 years of feeling worthless and empty is 6 more than I ever should have given you. I owe you nothing Christian. Not even an explanation.” I can fell the tears in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. He doesn’t deserve my tears. “You knew what you were signing up for, you knew what this marriage was.” He states, like we’re negotiating a business deal and not talking about the end of our marriage. “And now I’m saying I’m done with it. It was more than I could handle, more than anyone should ever have to.” I climb over the center console and leave through the passenger door. Almost laughing to myself at how ridiculous and ungraceful I must look. I start walking down the driveway and pull out my phone. He’s following me, saying something, but I don’t even have the energy to listen anymore. I pull up my dads number and call, he must see that because he reaches for my phone, but im able to pull it away and press call as I start to jog towards the street. “Hey babygirl” I hear through the phone, and the tears that I’d been trying to hold back so long start to fall. “Daddy” I cry into the phone. “I’ll be right there” he says with so much sympathy and sadness in his voice that I completely break as the line goes dead.