Twice the Second Chance

How did I get here? I just keep asking myself this, over & over. How did I get here? I knew my husband for years before we began to date, but we went our separate ways for a few years. When we bumped back into each other, & it was like magic. We couldn't get enough of one another. If I was away from him for more than a day or two, I was nearly in tears - & I had never been "that" girl! After a number of years together, we got married. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I never imagined it changing… I always wanted children. Lots of them. My husband was okay whether we had them or not. Unfortunately, after years of trying, we decided to go the non-traditional route, which lead to our son joining us as a young boy. I was sad I never got to experience pregnancy, but it was worth it because of our son. My husband & I are polar opposites. I'm bubbly & love people. He, well, does not. But it worked. Somehow, it truly worked. People were shocked when we began dating, but once they saw us together, they'd get it. But somewhere along the way, things began to change. For years, the joke was that he is an a**hole. It was true, to an extent, but never with me. I always felt safe with & protected by him. His anger was not directed towards me. Then it all started to shift, & as hard as I tried to fight it, to deny it, it was like a steamroller that kept gaining speed. One argument in particular sticks out. We were watching football with our son, & he said something like "the Lions" but meant the the Dolphins, which initially confused us. Common mistake, right? Our son & I both tried telling him what he'd said, & he refused to believe us. Not only that, he was mad it. Not just mad, livid. I mean, a complete over-reaction. I made up an excuse to go to town & left for a bit. I remember thinking to myself, "This is the moment I'm going to look back on & say this was when my marriage was over." I immediately pushed away the thought (at least I tried to), & I still continued to fight for us. But there were other issues, too. I've always been affectionate. Him? Not so much, but he didn't seem to mind it. Affection began to decrease. Kissing changed to just a quick pick. s*x went from great to almost non-existent. And he didn't seem to even care. I began sleeping in a different room more & more frequently for a couple of reasons. The first being he smoked in the room, & I didn't like sleeping in that. I hated waking up smelling like cigarettes. The second reason? Well, I hated trying to start something & getting brushed off. It began to hurt too much. It was easier to just not deal with it. And that's one of my issues to blame in the whole fiasco. I tend to ignore issues in the hope they'll magically get better on their own. And then I stew beneath the surface. Not the healthiest of ways to handle situations. I will always love my husband, but could I say i was still in love with him? I honestly don't know. After over 30 years together, I just knew I couldn't continue on like we had been for the last few years. Our son recently left for the military out of state, so now it's just the two of us. And the abyss between us is that much more apparent. To me at least. Which makes me ask, again, how did I - did we - get here? And I knew I could no longer hide away. It's time to face the music.