If I Hold On (Book 2 of If I Trilogy)

Kabanata 4.1

Moving out is difficult. Especially when your parents are against it.

“Baka naman p’wedeng next week na kayo umalis. After Cholo’s birthday, perhaps?” It was Mommy who was a bit hopeful while I was gathering my things and Pocholo’s.

“Mom,” pagod kong saad at ibinagsak sa kama ang mga damit ng anak ko. “I thought we talked this through.”

“Kararating niyo lang kasi tapos gusto mo agad iwan kami.” Sumimangot siya. “Come on, Addy. We missed you, lalong-lalo na si Cholo. Tuwang-tuwa kami nang pumayag ka nang bumalik, and then . . . this . . .” Iminuwestra niya ang pag-iipon ko ng mga gamit saka ipinagkrus ang mga braso.

Umismid ako at saka nilapitan ang busangot kong ina. Nang lapitan ko siya para yakapin, hindi nagbago ang kanyang ekspresyon.

“Mommy, ilang taon na ba ‘ko?”

She exasperatedly let out a sigh. “This is not about your age.”

Natawa ako at hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa kanya. “You can always drop by when you miss us, you know.”

“Aba’t . . . at talagang desidido ka na, ah?”

Tumango ako at bumawi sa pagkakayakap. Matiim ang titig sa akin ni Mommy, nananantiya.

Siguro nga talaga isa sa pinakamalungkot na kaganapan sa buhay ng isang magulang ay ang pag-alis ng anak sa puder nito. Naiintindihan ko miski papaano ang nanay ko dahil hindi pa man malaki si Pocholo, isipin ko pa lang na balang araw ay iiwan niya rin ako ay nasasaktan na ako.

But change is inevitable. It always is. Ayaw mo man. All is left is to accept.

“Mom . . .”

“Yeah?” sagot niya habang hinahaplos ang buhok ko.

“Did you tell the Villarazas about Pocholo?”

Napatigil siya sa ginagawa. That was my cue to withdraw from the embrace once again.

“Wala akong sinabi sa kanila. Why?” May mga gitla na sa kanyang noo. “For the past years, I barely talked to any of them. And those times I did out of being civil, I didn’t say anything about Cholo.”

“I met them days ago.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Mommy.

“I didn’t meet Iñaki. Sina Iñara, Kuya Iñigo, at Serafina with their son. Just them,” agap ko.

She nodded, relieved. “Bakit? Alam ba nila?”

I bit my lower lip and didn’t say anything. Huminga nang malalim si Mommy at isinipit ang takas na buhok sa likod ng aking tainga.

Ilang araw na ang lumipas pero hindi nawala sa isip ko ang tagpong iyon sa restaurant. Nang lisanin namin ang lugar, that was the time I realized: how did they know about Pocholo? Sino ang nagsabi sa kanila?

Kaunti lamang ang nakakaalam tungkol sa anak ko. Kaya malaking palaisipan sa akin kung paano nila nalaman. Malabong mula sa mga kaibigan ko. Lalong-lalo naman sa mga Salcedo.

Perhaps from my relatives? But if it was from my relatives, dapat ay sinabi nila agad na anak ni Iñaki. The Villarazas thought Pocholo was Brett’s son. O puwede ring hindi nila isiniwalat ang impormasyong iyon . . .

“You could come and visit me everyday, granddaddy,” I heard the little prince told my father as I was descending the staircase.

Nakatanaw sila sa bakuran mula sa haliging salamin. Karga-karga ni Daddy ang apo niya na noon ay nakabihis na para sa pag-alis namin.

“Hindi na ba talaga magbabago ang desisyon mo, anak?” marahang tanong sa akin ni Daddy habang pinapakawalan si Pocholo mula sa mga bisig niya.

Tumango ako. Huminga siya nang malalim. Ngumiti ako saka siya niyakap. Gusto ko sanang magbiro na hindi naman kami mag-a-abroad uli ni Pocholo. But he was upset already.

It was my brother who drove the car to our new home. I was glad he went with us. Marami-rami rin kasi ang dala namin. Mapapakinabangan ang mga muscle niya sa katawan.

“This is awesome!” Pocholo giggled. “Whoa . . .” Idinikit niya ang mga palad sa salaming bintana.

“Mas maganda pa rin sa bahay,” kontra rito ni Keiffer.

I was busy opening boxes when my phone vibrated. It was Mommy calling. Nangingiting sinagot ko iyon.

“See that?” Iniharap ko ang front camera ng aking cell phone sa sala. “It’s quite spacious.”

Nakita ni Pocholo ang ginagawa ko kaya agad niyang iwinagayway ang kaliwang kamay habang ngiting-ngiti. His rectangular smile showed. Sumunod naman ang kapatid ko.

“We’ll drop by one of these days.” It was Daddy.

“Sige po.”

Nang mga sumunod na araw, mas lalo akong naging busy. Next week na ang fifth birthday ni Pocholo. I originally planned to celebrate it intimately with my family, friends, and the Salcedos. Kaso hindi pumayag ang mga magulang ko. They wanted it grand. Hindi na ako kumontra dahil alam kong hindi sila magpapatalo. Panahon na raw para pormal na ipakilala ang anak ko sa mga Fortalejo at Guevarra.

Bukod doon, I got busier with work. Naramdaman ko na ang sinasabi ng mga officemate ko. Panaka-naka na ang pag-o-overtime namin sa pagtatapos ng mga paperwork at iba pa.

“Happy birthday, Pocholo!”

In his suit, my baby boy looked dashing as ever. He had his hair shaved on both sides and the middle part in a manly ponytail.

I was wearing a long chiffon dress with a slit revealing my left leg. My hair was in a dazzling curly bob. I accentuated my eyes with a good amount of liquid eyeliner. The rest were put lightly.

We were in a hotel with most of our relatives – the Guevarras and Fortalejos. The Salcedos were here, too.

My parents were mostly the ones who prepared this party. I entrusted half of the tasks to them due to their insistence and, well, Mommy was more experienced in this than I did. And they didn’t disappoint.

“Always the pretty Anaddy!”

Ramdam ko ang init ng aking mukha sa puring natanggap mula kay Tita Minerva. “You, too, Tita. As always.”

Nagtanguan kami ni Tito Anthony. Both of us were wearing a smile. It was good he somehow recovered from a mild heart-attack.

Kasama ng mag-asawang Salcedo si Brett at ang mga apo na sina Clara and Sofia. They were all grown-ups now.

Tila walang nagbago sa mag-asawang Salcedo. They still looked gorgeous as ever. Maging ang mga apo nila na teenager na rin ngayon.

Ano pa ba ang inaasahan ko kung ganundin si Brett, hindi ba?

“Happy birthday, big boy!” bati ni Brett kay Pocholo matapos itong kargahin. “We got lots of gifts for you!”

“Ay, ang guwapo-guwapo talaga!” Mapaglarong pinisil ni Tita Minerva ang pisngi ni Pocholo. “Naaalala mo pa ba ‘ko, Pocholo Ramir?”

After some chit-chats, I assisted them to their table. Nakasalubong namin ang mga magulang ko kaya muling natigil sa paglalakad. Ilang tawanan at palitan ng mga salita ay pinakawalan na sila nina Mommy at Daddy.

“Ang ganda mo, ah.”

Inirapan ko si Brett. “Stop it. ‘Wag kang magsalita ng kung ano-ano kung nang-aasar ka lang.”

Humalakhak siya. Some looked at us, kaya hinampas ko siya sa braso.

“Seryoso nga kasi. Ang ganda mo,” aniya matapos tumawa. “Miss, do you have a boyfriend?”

“I don’t but you have a girlfriend so shut up.”

He laughed again. This guy, seriously . . .

Napansin ko ang ilang titig sa kanya ng mga kamag-anak ko. Most from girls. Hindi ko rin naman sila masisisi.

In his three-piece suit and inner button-down and unbuttoned first three, he looked immaculately handsome. Mukhang kagagaling lamang niyang trabaho at agad dumiretso rito. Most likely, he didn’t comb his hair but its unruly state just made him look hotter.

The party was semi-formal. The motif was blue because it was my son’s favorite color.

We spent a good amount of money for this. Bawat detalye ay pinag-isipan. From the setting of every table to the folds of the tissues. It looked more like a debut party than a celebration of fifth birthday.

“Bakla!” It was Michelle who arrived in an off-shoulder dress. Carmela followed her who was struggling from fishing something in her bag.

“You two made it!”

“Of course! Cholo is first class. Kaya dapat lang na nandito kami. He’s my future son-in-law,” tuloy-tuloy na wika ni Michelle.

Pinandilatan ko siya. “Bata pa ang anak ko, Michelle. Tigilan mo ‘ko, ah.”

“Ni wala ka pa ngang boyfriend tapos namimili ka na ng magiging manugang,” Carmela chimed in which made us laugh heartily.

I busied myself in welcoming our guests which were mostly our relatives. Minsan ay matagal ang pakikipag-usap dahil inaalam ang naging buhay ko sa US.

“Ay, ‘yan na pala si Pocholo . . .” sabi ng isang tita ko habang nakatingin sa projector kung nasaan ang mukha ng aking anak.

I smiled proudly. “Opo.”

“Aba’t tama nga ang sinabi ng pinsan mo. Villaraza ang mukha.”

Sandali akong natigilan.

Hindi iyon ang una at huling usisa sa akin. Some even went to the extent of asking me personal things. Mabuti na lang at nalulusutan ko.

“Anak, play with your cousins,” udyok ko sa kanya nang napansing nakaupo lamang siya habang nakakrus ang mga braso at nagmamasid.

“Oo nga, Cholo. This is your birthday. You should enjoy!” Carmela seconded.

Hindi umimik ang anak ko. Nang dungawin ko siya, tumambad sa akin ang iritado niyang mukha. Nanlambot ang puso ko. 

“Anong nangyari d’yan?” Mommy inquired when she went to us, referring to Pocholo.

In her sweetheart neckline dress that hugged her body perfectly, my mother didn’t look her age. She looked stunning! Her hair was in a sophisticated ponytail which revealed her porcelain skin.

“Hayaan niyo na po. Baka pagod lang.”

But then, as the night approached, my son seemed not to enjoy the party. Hindi rin siya aktibo at magsasalita lamang kung tinatanong. Minsanay iritado pa. Miski ang pang-iinis ni Keiffer ay pinapalampas niya, which was very not him. Pikon siya pagdating sa kanyang tito noon pa man.

“A bicycle! Wow!” The hired MC clapped her hands that encouraged others to do the same. “Do you know how to ride a bike, Pocholo?”

The female MC held the mic to Pocholo. But my grumpy son shook his head. Tumawa ang mga bisita. Tumawa na lang din ang MC at binalingan na ang sunod na regalo.

“Your son seems upset,” untag sa akin ni Michelle habang mabagal na sini-shake ang kanyang wine glass. “Anong nangyari d’yan?”

Sinulyapan ko si Pocholo. He had been like that since the party started. When he left for the party, he was really excited. But his excitement died down when we arrived. Nag-aalala na ako pero hindi ko rin naman alam ang dahilan ng mood niya.

Nang nagsimula ang palaro sa mga bata, hindi ko na napigilan ang pag-aalala ko. I went to Pocholo. Katabi niya si Keiffer na mukhang inaamo siya. When our eyes met, Keiffer gave me a knowing look.

“Anak, is there somethig wrong?” maingat na tanong ko sa kanya saka kinapa ang kanyang noo. “Are you okay?”

He bit his lower lip. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang nanubig ang mga mata niya. Mayamaya ay sumisinok na siya sa pag-iyak.

“Oh, baby . . .” I held him in my arms. “What’s wrong? May masakit ba sa’yo, anak? Tell Mommy what’s wrong, please . . .”

“I hate you,” sumisinok na anas niya na nagpabigat sa damdamin ko. “I hate you!”

Napatda ako nang marahas siyang kumawala sa yakap ko at tumakbo palayo. That caught the attention of everyone. Mommy and Daddy stood up from their seat. I gave them an assuring smile. Ganundin sa MC. After the MC continued, saka ko hinabol ang anak ko.

Abot-abot ang tahip ng aking dibdib. What was wrong with him?