Lost and Found

Final Chapter

This is the final chapter. Thank you for making it up to here. Lovelots! -r

xxx

Everything happened for me in slow motion. Kung paano niyang matagal na tiningnan ni Zee, ang dahan-dahang pagbaba ng tingin niya sa drumsticks, ang pag-angat ng kamay niya, ang saglit na pag-aalinlangan, at ang paghawak niya ng dalawang bagay na hindi ko akalaing kamumuhian ko ngayon.

Mapait akong napangiti. Ganito siguro iyong pakiramdam niya noong ngumingiti siya sa akin noon habang nagpapaka-gago ako. Yung pakiramdam na dinudurog ka pero kailangan mong itago lahat sa ngiti.

Matagal niyang tinitigan ang drumsticks na parang isang bagay na matagal niyang hinanap at ngayon lang nakita.

I was waiting for her to look at me but she hurried at the drums without even glancing my way. Na para bang magbabago pa ang isip niya pag hindi siya nagmadali. Uncontented, Zee passed me the mic while smirking evilly.

This is his payback, I know. And it f*****g stings a lot more because I know I f*****g deserve it.

To see her finally moved on, while I'm completely and utterly drowned. To see her finally found herself while I'm losing my whole eternity.

Hindi pa nakuntento sa panggagago si Zee. Sinimulan niya ang isang awit na parang hindi pa sapat sakit ang nararamdaman ko.

"It was 3 AM

When you woke me up

And we jumped in the car and drove as far as we could go,

Just to get away,"

Pinigilan ko ang panginginig ng boses ko. I was not that successful but I guess only us on the stage know it.

Mariin kong pinikit ang mata ko dahil sa pag-iinit nito. Mapait akong ngumiti bago nagpatuloy.

"We talked about our lives

Until the sun came out

And now I'm thinking about

How I wish I could go back

Just for one more day

One more day with you,"

What I'd give to take me back to that day. I'll probably give my all. But I guess my all's worthless now, isn't it?

"Every time I see your face

Every time you look my way

It's like it all falls into place

Everything feels right,"

Every beat of her f*****g drums feels like gunshots straight to my bones. Every sound she makes slices my very soul. If this is her revenge, then she can f*****g break me in tiny bits and I won't complain. This just serves me right.

"Ever since you walked away

It left my life in disarray

All I want is one more day

It's all I need

Is one more day with you"

Hindi tinatapos ang kanta na bumaba ako ng entablado.

I realized she's too strong. Kasi noon nakaya niyang tapusin ang kantang para sa amin kahit harap-harapan ko siyang ginago. Ngumiti pa siya noon. I'm not that strong, tho. I'm not as strong as her. Hindi ko kayang ngumiti sa kanya. And I won't f*****g congratulate her! Say what? "Congrats! You've moved on from an asshole like me! f*****g good for you!"

Hell no!

Narating ko ang dalampasigan nang gulong-g**o ang isip. What now? Saan ako pupulutin ngayon? Umalis siya. I spent my last years preparing for her return. I have made her my goal, my destination. So now that she have moved on I'm so lost.

Naupo ako ako sa buhangin at inihilamos ang palad aking mukha.

I can win her back. She's over me but I can make her fall for me again. These passed few days we're doing good! Quite good that I didn't expected this!

Maybe I was just overreacting. Siguro nakalimutan na niya iyong sinabi niya tungkol sa pagtugtog ng drums. Baka nga ako na lang ang nakakaalala noon dahil wala akong malilimutang tungkol sa kanya.

But Zee's evil smirk and Elle's hesitations prove otherwise. I'm so f*****g damned.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-upo sa tabi ko. From the person's scent I know it's Elle. And I don't wanna hear a single word from her. I don't want her apology. Kasi kung para sa kanya tapos na kami, sa akin wala itong katapusan. I know I won't be able to move on from her.

"I hated you." She said as solemnly as the calm sea.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. She's looking at the vast emptiness in front of us. The moon and stars aren't present that even them deprives me of light.

"Not as much as I hated myself, for sure." I said as lowly as I'm feeling right now.

Nilingon niya ako at nginitian.

I looked away. Her kind of smile stings big time. Hindi iyong mapagkunwari niyang ngiti. It was a sad smile. I hate seeing that smile. Iyon bang parang nalulungkot siya para sa akin kasi alam niyang hindi ko kakayaning umahon habang nakasampa na siya.

"Maybe. But I hated you so much, you know."

"I know. I made you hate me to the point of running away."

"Ex, look at me."

I refuse to follow her order. I continued looking at that nothingness. I feel like it. Nothing.

"Please."

But I was always a slave of her. Kahit labag sa loob ko ay lumingon ako sa kanya.

Now I know why there are no stars tonight. It was all in her eyes. I can't stand it. It was like she's about to cry for me. For us.

"I wanted to ask you... about that night in Strad."

I looked hard on her. I'm fighting it so hard but my eyes are feeling warm.

"I've waited years for that question." Hindi ko napigilan ang pag-alpas ng sumbat doon.

"Please, Ex." She pleaded.

I looked away again.

"Look at me, while saying everything. Please."

Napasinghap ako at pinilit huminga. Nagsisikip ang dibdib ko sa pagpigil ng putanginang luha na ito. I stared at her beautiful face angrily. I hate her. I love her. So damn f*****g much! This ruthless girl.

"I never cheated on you." I felt the tightening of my jaw while stressing every f*****g word.

I watched her looked up and sniffed, trying to blink those tears away.

"I was so f*****g drunk but I can never forget that I love you so f*****g much! It wasn't seen on the video but I was pushing that b***h of a woman away, Elle! I was so drunk and my limbs can't move a muscle but all I was thinking and saying that time is I love my f*****g girlfriend and stay away from me!" Gumaralgal ang tinig ko at muli kong ihinilamos ang palad sa aking mukha. Damn useless tears!

"Hindi kita iyon doon dahil iyon ang gustong palabasin ng kumuha ng video. Those psycho girls are all sober and planned everything. I was an a*s to them, I guess. So they planned to ruin us, to get back at me."

She know those girls. Iyon pa mga ang nagpakita sa kanya ng video.

"You never asked anything about it. You just... what, shrugged it off like you already expect I'm going to cheat. Because you've seen me played around before."

I looked at her straight in her pleading eyes.

"You never once asked me, Elle. I know better than to explain myseld because I know you. If you don't ask for an explanation, you already have established facts inside your head that no matter what I say, you. wont. believe. a. thing."

She didn't said anything while wiping those tears that's streaming down her face.

"Tell me about Jasmine."

Huminga ako ng malalim para makayang aminin ang pinakamalaking katangahang nagawa ko sa buhay na ito. It was my second chance, might have been my last chance, but I blew it off.

"I don't want you out of the band. I know you'll get out if that's what it takes. I know it was f*****g stupid, but all I ever wanted was to make you stay."

"Idiot! I was getting out of the band for us! I was getting out of the band but never away!" Her voice raised up and I almost smiled.

I want any reactions from her. Not that sad face like she's already grieving for my dying heart.

"It was our life that time, Elle! It was our passion! That's what made us unite! I know you love the band-"

"Obviously I loved you more than that! I almost left the band for you-"

"You did, didn't you?"

Kahit kasalanan ko ay hindi mapigilang isumbat sa kanya iyon! This talk was f*****g long overdued.

"I said I almost left the band for you. I left the band because of you." She said mercilessly. Like my broken heart wasn't broken enough.

I laughed bitterly. Hindi ko alam na ang kaunting pagkakaiba ng salita ay mas makakasakit.

"It was all because of me, isn't it? Why are we talking about this every f*****g thing now, Elle? Because it doesn't affect you anymore? Because you've moved on and you need f*****g closure? Is that it?" Galit kong sambit habang pinapanood siyang umiiling habang pinupunasan ang luha.

Gusto kong punasan ang luha niya pero pakiramdam ko iyon na lang ang kaya niyang ibigay sa akin. Those are pitying tears and I'll take that pity. Kahit iyon na lang! Kahit ano na lang na ibibigay niya!

"No, Ex-"

"No? You took those drumsticks, Elle! Iyon na lang ang pinanghahawakan ko! Na hanggang malayo ka sa mga iyon, may pag-asa akong itama lahat! Na baka pwede parin ako kahit ang laki kong gago!"

"You don't know anything about how I felt! I wanted to get over you so damned much! Kasi ang sakit-sakit! Pinaasa mo ako noon! You asked for another try and one song from you I was getting back to us! Kasi ganoon ako katanga! Kasi kahit kilala kita at baka lokohin mo lang ulit ako, gusto ko paring subukan! Na baka this time, totoo na ito. Kasi hindi ka naman bumalik sa kahit na sinong babaeng iniwan mo."

I probably mirror the way her eyes spilled those tears endlessly. She sighed.

"I wanted to get over you so bad. I tried to run away from everything that reminds me of you. You don't know how it feels to dress differently just because I remember how you like and despise some kind of clothes for me. I can't even listen to my own favorite songs because you made my hate them, Ex! How dare you sing those songs for me!"

For the lack of any excuse, and maybe because I'm too selfish and so much of an asshole, I cupped her face and kissed her soft lips.

New batch of tears fell down to my cheeks. If it is hers or mine or both, I don't f*****g give a damn. I might not have this chance ever.

I closed my eyes while feeling her lips. I've only dreamed about this. I kissed her slow and steady like she's gonna break if I kiss her any deeper.

It felt like eternity. Or maybe that was my only eternity. To finally claim something I've always wanted but never had the guts to get.

Kahit labag sa loob ko ay pinutol ko ang halik. Her eyes are also close and she slowly opened them up.

"I'm begging you, Elle. Take me back. Please take me back again."

She sobbed and hugged me tight. I returned it tighter. Ibinaon ko ang mukha sa kanyang leeg at doon nagmakaawa.

She finally broke away from me despite my protest.

She cupped my face and looked at me with full of regret.

"No, please Elle, tell me you'll take me back! Please, baby."

Umiling siya at lumuluha akong nginitian.

"f**k, no! I'm begging you, please Elle! I'm not asking you to try this time because I promise I won't ever f**k it up! Please."

"I'm sorry, Ex."

"No! I'm not accepting that apology!"

I tried to clutch her against me but she refused. I keep on staring at my face.

"I love you so much. So f*****g much that I won't live pag sinabi mong hindi ako ang para sa'yo. I won't survive, Elle." I can't recognize my own hoarse voice. My throat aches so much for trying to stop crying.

"I still love you so." She said looking straight at my pathetic eyes.

I was so ecstatic!

"Thank f*****g christ!-"

"But I think this isn't the time for us yet."

"What do you f*****g mean?!" My hands on her waist tighten.

This is her game! Ang sabihing mahal ako pero may pero!

"Ex, I'm going away-"

"No f*****g way you're gonna walk away from us again! I won't let you-"

"No! Listen-"

"I won't hear it, Lynneth Carla!"

She cupped my face and forced me to look at her. She tried to smile but I won't take any bullshits! Sabi niya mahal niya ako! So why is she telling me she's walking away again.

"Please, listen. I love you, Ex. I still do. But I want to give myself time. Kasi buong buhay ko yata lahat umikot sa'yo! Crushing on you, falling in love with you, trying to move on from you! What's the common word? You! I want to spend some time alone for me, I guess."

"Some time alone to forget me? You think I'll allow that?"

"I've already tried that! Tapos ay saglit lang ulit tayong magkasama, ikaw parin, Ex! Tungkol sa'yo ulit ako! I wanted to find me, Ex. The me without you. Then maybe then I can find us."

"Stop playing with words and make this sound like a good thing." Mahinahon nang sabi ko kahit puno ako ng kaba.

Paano kung sa paghahanap niya sa sarili niya, makalimutan niya ako? Worse, what if in the search of herself, she find someone else? Yung mas deserving sa kanya. I won't ever let that! I want her to be all about me like I am all about her!

"Please, Ex. I'll be back. This is all I'm asking. Please."

Pero pag tinitingnan na niya ako ng ganyan ay nawawala lahat ng kakayahan ko mag-isip. I'll give her anything! Kahit labag iyon sa gusto ko.

"How long are you going to be gone?" Tanong kong tanda ng pagsuko.

"I don't know. Months? Or a year? Maybe I'll study, travel, anything."

"We can do that together."

She giggled and I smiled. She's so pretty when smiling like that with tears in her eyes.

"That beats the purpose."

"I know. Just hoping that'll slip."

She took a deep breathe and looked at me seriously.

"Come back for me?" I fearfully asked.

"Always."

×××××

Yes, this ends here. May prologue pa and two special chaps so no hating me. Again, thank you so, so much for reading. Lovelots! ?

-reign