So Confused

Chapter 13

Karlwin brought me into an old house. Luma siya pero malinis at maganda, luma ang designs niya pero classy. Medyo malayo din ito sa apartment ko, atleast 30 minutes of motor ride galing sa place ko.

Maraming tanim, ornamental and herbs. May mga gulay at prutas. The air is so refreshing.

“Kanino tong lugar?” I asked karlwin habang pinagmamasdan ko ang magagandang bulaklak sa sides ng daanan. Ang galing ng pagkakaalaga nila sa place na to. If you’ll wake up and you see this colorful flowers, for sure magiging maganda ang mood mo.

“My grandmother’s house”

Lumingon ako sakanya at ngumiti “This is beautiful. She must be so good with agriculture and landscaping”

I never tried gardening. Feeling ko kasi hindi ko kayang alagaan ang mga tanim ko. Hindi rin naman ako marunong ng tamang pagtatanim. Tinuro saamin yun nung elementary but I wasn’t listening.

“She is, but she is old enough to plant kaya nag hire na lang siya ng Gardener”

“Who ever she is, she is great. Ang ganda dito”

He smiled at me, “I’m glad you like it”

We walked till we reach another house na luma na din. May nakaupo dun sa rocking chair na babaeng matanda na. Nilapitan naming yun at nagmano.

“Lola” Karlwin greeted and kissed his grandmother in her cheeks.

“Ace?” Her grandmother responded. Siguro ay Malabo na ang mata nito dahil hindi niya alam kung nasaang pwesto mismo si Karlwin, kinapa niya pa kung nasaan ito.

“Yes, I’m with someone today Lola” he said and looked at me.

Her grandmother smiled widely at sinubukang kapain kong nasaan ako, inabot ko naman ang kamay niya “Erika?” she asked

My smiled faded. I looked at karlwin, he too seemed shocked.

“Ah, no Lola, she is Amelie?”

Her grandmother frowned but then smiled again. “How are you Erika?”

I looked at Karlwin, secretly asking who is Erika and what would I say to her grandmother.

“She is Amelie Lola”

Her grandma didn’t replied, she caressed her cheeks on the back of my hand while smiling. Who ever is that Erika, for sure, she misses her.

Umupo ako para pumantay ako sa lola niya. “Hi Lola…”

“Mira” he replied

“Hi lola mira” I greeted.

She smiled widely as she heard me. “I’m totally fine and good” I added.

I looked at Karlwin and smiled timidly.

“It’s been a long time nung huli kang dumalaw. I missed you” She replied

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya “I’m sorry, I have been busy. But I’m here, we’ll talk about a lot of things today.”

Lola Mira smiled even more and caressed his cheeks again with my hands.

“I’ll just be upstairs if you’ll need me” Karlwin said. Tumango naman ako sakanya.

I pulled one chair para komportable akong makapag usap kay Lola Mira.

“Is Ace being bad to you again Erika?”

Hearing someone called Karlwin, Ace is cringe. Hindi ako sanay na marinig na tawag sakanya yun.

Napaisip ako sa tanong ni Lola. Again? Ace being bad to Erika again?

“Ah, no lola, he has been very kind to me.”

“Mabuti naman. That kid, I thought he’d never change.”

“He is kind now lola. He has been smiling and joking around lately.”

“That made me so happy. If only he will consider reconciling with his brother. Right Erika?”

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. How would I answer a question na wala naman akong alam. I don’t know kung bakit sila magkaaway ni Levian. Wala namang nakapaglwento saakin. Ayaw ko namang magtanong sa kanilang dalawa.

“Yes. I think it’ll be happier”

“How about you Erika? How have you been with Karlwin?”

Shet. Paano ko ba to sasagutin? Sino ba si Erika? Is she Karlwin’s girlfriend? Eh sabi niya wala naman eh. Pinsan ba? Bestfriend?

“We’re fine lola. Minsan nga lang ay bigla siyang nawawala.”

Lola Mira chuckled “Ganyan parin pala siya. Leaving the world whenever he wants to think.”

I chose not to reply. I just tapped his hands na nakahawak sa akin. I don’t want to say things I’m not sure about. I just want to make Lola glad of my presence. I’m sure she misses that Erika, I can see it in her eyes.

Maya maya ay may dumating na babaeng naka white uniform. It is probably her nurse. Kailangan niya na daw kumain ng Lunch niya.

I stood up sa inuupuan ko at umakyat sa second floor kung nasaan si Karlwin. He was looking at the view, with his cigarettes.

“Hindi mo parin yan tinitigilan?” I asked.

Lumingon siya sa akin at isinandal ang likod niya sa terrace. “Old habits die hard, I guess?”

I looked at him, battling if I’ll ask about Erika. But I ended up not asking. If she’s important, he’ll tell me. And at the first place, why would I ask about it.

“Your grandma wants you and Levian to be okay.”

Bumuga siya ng usok at tumingala. “It won’t happen”

I remained silent. Lumapit ako sa terrace at tiningnan ang buong lugar. Mas maganda pala siyang tingnan dito sa taas. Mas makikita mo ang compatibility ng ibat ibang bulaklak, at ang magagandang landscapes.

“You wouldn’t ask?”

I looked at him at nagkibit balikat. “I’m not really used to ask about something…”

“If someone wants to keep it or talk about it, its up to him” I continued.

Silence enveloped us for a few minutes before I heard him talk.

“Do you like it here?”

“Yes. It’s peaceful and inviting. Masaya siguro dito magbakasyon”

“Yes, lagi akong pumupunta dito kapag mainit ang ulo ko. It is much better nung hindi pa makakalimutin si Lola Mira”

“I think she is very kind and thoughtful”

“She is. She always gave me advices whenever she felt like I need it.”

“Halata naman. Ang lambing niya magsalita. She seems to be all knowing.”

“I remember before, I was crying over a toy, levian stole me. Because of that, I always threw a fit on my brother. Kaya binilhan niya ako ng isang dosena noon. I thought he wants me to forget about my anger towards him getting my toy, but then as I play with those dozen of toys, I realize that is lonely playing alone. Eventually, Lola said that I should never fight with my brother over a simple toy.”

I smiled. I never met my grandparents. Nasa America sila nakabase at doon na rin namatay. Kahit yung mga lola ko kay mama ay hindi ko rin nakilala.

“Good thing may natatakbuhan ka. Ako kasi wala”

“How about your parents?”

I suddenly remembered Mama. Iniisip ko parin hanggang ngayon kung pupuntahan ko ba siya sa iniwang address ni papa. Natatakot ako sa mga pwedeng mangyare.

“They are too busy with their own life”

“your brother?”

“The same thing with my parents”

Napa ‘oh’ naman siya.

“You can run to me” he sincerely said. “I’m just here”

I smiled timidly at tumango sakanya.

“I’m serious; I can be a good listener. You can rely on me”

“Oo na nga kuya” I joked and smiled.

“Kuya Psh” he clicked his tongue.

I laughed. Hindi rin bagay na tawagin ko pa siyang kuya, halos mag kasing laki lang ang katawan namin eh.

“Amelie?”

“Hmm?” I replied at lumingon sakanya.

“When I said that I like you, I mean it” he seriously said.

And here I am again, frozen in the moment.

He walked towards me at mas lalo pang bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko. Arg, Karlwin and his presence.

“I don’t know if you believe me or not, but its true.” He added.

He was looking at me intently like I was someone precious. Like there’s something about me that is so special. His pair of eyes, somewhat look so sad. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba, pero ang lungkot nitong tingnan. He was making me feel special but I can sense that he is feeling sad.

I was dumbfounded for a few seconds. Wala rin naman siyang ibang ginawa kundi tingnan ako.

“Are you really serious?” I asked when I finally got myself to speak.

Tumango siya.

“Since when? Kailan lang tayo naging close”

Hindi siya nakasagot. But his stares are never losing its intensity.

“I don’t know. I just find myself liking you”

Again I was dumbfounded.

Fck, I don’t know what to say. Ngayon lang ako nakaencounter ng confession. With Jolo, through phone yun. This is my first time handling a personal confession. And it is very much nerve racking. Yung parang ang hirap huminga tapos ang lamig lamig pa ng paghinga ko.

I tried to keep my cool. Ayaw kong isipin niya na nadadala niya ako sa mga ginagawa niya. Malay mo hindi naman siya seryoso at pinagtitripan lang ako.

“Okay” I replied after a seconds of silence

He frowned “Okay?”

“Yes. Hindi ko naman pwedeng ipagbawal na gustuhin mo ako diba?”

“That’s it?”

Tumango ulit ako. Bakit ano ba dapat?

“What do you feel about me?” he asked, his forehead creased and sounding more serious.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa tanong niya. Fck.

I averted my gaze. “Look, the birds so cute”

Tinuro ko pa ang isang ibon na nakadapo sa mango tree sa di kalayuan. I secretly want to slap myself. Napaka-naïve move naman nun.

I awkwardly smiled at him ng hindi man lang magbago ang expression niya at ang pagkakatitig niya sa akin.

I sighed and looked at him

“Are you requiring me to reciprocate your feelings right now?” I answered

“Yes” he replied fastly

“Are you serious Karlwin?”

“I want security. Gusto ko akin ka lang.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko.

“Security? Insurance ba ako?”

“No Amelie. Look…” he paused and sighed.

“Levian likes you. I am frustrated here thinking that you might like him. So please.”

I looked at him in disbelief. “Look Karlwin, I don’t work that way. If you want security, I don’t give that easily. I also want security of my heart. Kailan pa lang kita nakilala.”

Isn’t it absurd? Boys in this generation are asking for security before pursuing a girl. They tend to ask if they stood a chance before courting a girl. Nawawala na ang essence of courting. Isn’t that its purpose? To get a chance? You court a girl disregarding if she likes you because you want to have that chance to be with her.

He looked at me with those sad eyes. “Everytime, Levian always had everything I want.”

I know deep in me, I feel special for Karlwin, but he was asking for something so fast. Nabigla lang ako, I thought parehas kami na ayaw ng complexity. I thought we want the easiest and simpler path. But with him doing this, I am stuck between giving him my initial feelings na hindi ko alam kung infatuation lang ba or reject him and lose something we are starting to build.

“Look karlwin, I want us to be just like how we started. I like being with you. Walang pressure, walang drama. Let’s take things slowly. I know I have something for you but---“

He cut me through giving me a hug. Mas lalong nanlaki ang mata ko.

“That’s enough for me. I promise, I’ll make you like me even more” he said. I felt him smiling.

“Let’s make this less hard. Let’s make this fun. I don’t want complexity and drama. I just want to know if I am making an impact to you. That’s it” he added.

He let go of me and smiled at me.

I looked at him weirdly and flashed my awkward smile.

“Tch. I knew it, your being awkward kasi ang gwapo ko.” Then he smirked.

That smirk. Napangiti na rin lang ako. That smirk is his trademark. Whenever I see that, nararamdaman ko na walang kailangan ipagalala. Karlwin’s smirk is like telling ‘fck the world, but I won’t get f****d up’. Karwlin, without that smirk is not Karlwin.

“I’m sure you’re hungry. Let’s go grab some food?”