Pretend To Forget

6. How heartless!

Puting kisame ang una kong nakita nang magmulat ako ng aking mga mata. I looked around and immediately recognized where I was at.

Hospital.

Kalmadong hinila ko ang sarili ko para makaupo. Hindi ko naman kailangan na mag-panic dahil alam ko at naaalala ko ang eksaktong nangyari kung bakit ako nasa ospital.

A bitter smile appeared on my lips. I was no longer dressed in my wedding gown. Sa halip, hospital gown na ang suot ko.

How fast did my fairy tale end?

Johann Maguire was cruel. How did I ever fall in love with a jerk like him?

“You’re so pathetic, Kate,” I told myself, shaking my head while pushing back my tears. But my tears still found their way to escape my eyes as I recalled how Johann left me humiliated.

I did not deserve that. Why must he shout to the world how much he dislikes me as if what he did at the church wasn’t enough? He disrespected me, humiliated me and what else did he want when he chose to leave me in the middle of a busy highway? Was he hoping I’d get hit somehow and die?

Would my death satisfy him?

“Hi, gising ka na.”

Nang mag-angat ako ng paningin ay nakita ko ang isang nurse na kapapasok lang sa silid ko. Mabilis kong tinuyo ang mga luha ko at nagpilit ng ngiti.

“Hi,” bati ko. “I just woke up. What time is it already?”

“Almost twenty hours ka nang tulog, Miss,” tugon nito na nilapitan ako para i-check ang vital signs ko. “Ten AM na.”

Napatda naman ako sa narinig ko. “That long?”

“Yes, Miss. But don’t worry, you are fine. Ang sabi ng nagdala sa ’yo rito, nawalan ka ng malay. Hindi ka naman daw nasagasaan. But to be sure, we ran different tests on you since bumagsak ka sa kalsada. Tatawagin ko si Dok para siya ang mag-explain sa ‘yo thoroughly.”

“Salamat. Uhmn, may naghanap na ba sa akin o nagpuntang kaibigan?” tanong ko, suddenly getting worried dahil halos isang araw na pala ang lumilipas.

“Wala kang identification card, Miss. At hindi ka kilala ng nagdala sa ‘yo rito. Wala pa ring naghahanap sa ‘yo kaya hinintay ka na lang namin na magising.”

“Then could you call someone for me, please?” sabi ko, feeling the pain in my heart that Johann, despite him causing what happened to me, didn’t care enough to find me. Why was he so eager to dump me? He could’ve dropped me somewhere safe but he didn’t.

Wala ba talaga itong pakialam kahit na mapahiya siya na hindi niya ako kasamang dumating sa reception venue? Or didn’t he attend it himself? Kung gano’n nga ay tiyak na naiwan si Tita Lucinda para ayusin ang kahihiyang ginawa ni Johann.

“Sure,” tugon ng nurse.

I gave her Sharlene’s number. Kasi kaya wala silang nakitang ID sa akin ay dahil wala naman akong dala na kahit ano. It was my wedding day yesterday. I was supposed to do nothing but just enjoy that day. I never thought it would turn out to be my greatest nightmare.

“Babalik ako. Pakihintay na lang si Dok,” ngumiti ang nurse at iniwanan ako.

I absentmindedly stared at the closed door when the Nurse had left.

Hindi ko namalayan kung gaano ako katagal na nakatulala. The next thing I knew, a middle aged woman Doctor was already trying to get my attention.

I snapped out of my trance and apologized to the Doctor.

“It’s okay, hija,” she told me. “I’m Dr. Cruz. Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo? May nararamdaman ka bang masakit?”

Umiling ako. Pisikal ay wala. Pero pwede ko bang sabihin na masakit ang puso ko? Would it count as something the Doctor could look into and check what she could do to help me? Could I ask for a heart bypass so maybe my new one wouldn’t beat for Johann?

“Wala po, Dok,” sagot ko. “Kailan po ako pwedeng lumabas?”

“Well, actually, wala namang reason para mag-stay ka pa rito. But, I need to discuss some things with you para alam mo kung paano mo aalagan ang sarili mo. I’d also like to see you after some time and maybe regularly so I could see your progress.”

Tumango lang ako kahit ang totoo, wala naman sa sinasabi niya ang atensyon ko. I’m eager to leave this place.

“We ran different tests on you and one of which was a —-”

“Kate!”

The Doctor’s words were interrupted by Sharlene’s sudden arrival. Agad itong patakbong lumapit sa akin at umiiyak akong niyakap.

“Sharlene…”

“Kate! I was so worried about you! I’m so sorry!”

“But I’m fine,” anas ko kahit na ‘di ko na rin napigilan ang pag-iyak ko.

Si Dr. Cruz na hindi na nakasingit pa ay iniwanan na lang muna kami.

“Kuya is such a jerk! He wouldn’t tell us where you are. And Kate, I’m sorry kung hindi agad kita napuntahan. We got so shocked, we got busy, hindi namin alam ang uunahin. I was looking for you everywhere since we got everything settled. Good thing I was near the area when I got the call from the hospital.”

“What do you mean?” naguguluhan kong tanong na nafocus ang atensyon sa nauna niyang mga sinabi. “Did something happen?” Halos hindi iyon lumabas sa sa bibig ko. I began to silently pray na sana ay wala namang masamang nangyari habang narito ako sa ospital at tulog.

Sharlene pulled away from our embrace. Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabila kong braso as she looked at my eyes with her still crying ones.

“Kate,” she started between her sobs. “‘Wag ka sanang mabibigla pero—”

“Pero ano?” I cut her hesitation. Pakiramdam ko nasa lalamunan ko na ang puso ko.

“Si Lolo. Kate, wala na si Lolo!”

I was shocked that I didn’t find my voice nor did I know how to react. Pati mga luha ko, parang nabinbin sa mga mata ko at hindi tumulo ang mga iyon. I just stared at Sharlene, hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi niya and silently hoping she would say she was just kidding me.

Kahit na masamang biro iyon, I would gladly accept it as a joke.

“Yesterday, during the wedding ceremony, he passed away,” Sharlene cried. “Wala na si Lolo Kate!”

I’m still in disbelief. But I felt my tears fall again as my vision became blurry with it. Hindi. Hindi pwede…

Nang yakapin akong muli ni Sharlene, I cried hard and loud.

Wala na si Lolo Thomas! I lost a grandfather on my wedding day and I didn’t know about it! Was the call Johann received that time about that news of Lolo’s passing away? And he didn’t tell me?

Instead, he took advantage of it and eagerly left me not caring where in the world we’re at? How heartless!

Didn’t he think for one second that I deserved to know about it?

“Kate, calm down,” Sharlene patted my back. “Wala na tayong magagawa. And besides, we expected it to happen, right? Lolo will not be happy seeing you like this.”

“Sharlene! I wasn’t able to say goodbye to him! How is it okay?”

“None of us was able to, Kate.”

“It’s my fault! Kung hindi sa kadesperadahan ko, Lolo will not die so soon! It’s my fault, Sharlene!” I blamed myself. Right. Kasalanan ko ang lahat!

Kung hindi sa ginawa ko, hindi aatakehin si Lolo noon. Yes he was already sick. But I made his situation worse. That heart attack triggered his death. Namroblema siya dahil sa akin. If I didn’t give him so much worry, he wouldn’t die.

“No,” kaagad na tanggi ni Sharlene. “Hindi mo kasalanan. Walang may kasalanan. Don’t take the blame, Kate. Because if you really think that way, should I blame myself too? It was I who encouraged you to be with my brother!”

“No, Sharlene. Ako lang,” giit ko.

“It’s not true. Please, stop blaming yourself.”

How could I? Alam ko sa sarili ko na ako ang ugat ng lahat ng problema sa pamilya nila nitong mga nakaraan. It was all because of my selfishness.

“Where’s Lolo now?” tanong ko matapos ang ilang minuto na sinubukan kong kumalma. I wanted to see Lolo Thomas. I’d like to apologize to him.

“Still in the funeral house. Mamaya pa siya darating sa bahay.”

“Then let’s go now. I’d like to be there when his body arrives.”

“Alright. Then let me go and take care of your discharge papers,” paalam ni Sharlene.

We left the hospital in haste after that. Suot ko pa nga ang hospital gown dahil hindi ko naman pwedeng isuot ulit ang wedding gown ko. Heck, I don’t even want to see it again. Kung nakita ko iyon dati na parang isang fairy tale gown, ngayon, nightmare na lang ang katumbas no’n.

My heart was aching inside me. If only I could take it out from my chest and replace it with a new one, I would. Because right now, I hate it so much that despite everything that happened, I still long for the man who humiliated me and regarded me like trash, so worthless and irrelevant.

It hurts.

But now was not the time to think about myself nor my selfishness. All I wanted now was to see Lolo Thomas.

'Forget the pain, Kate…’