Pretend To Forget

7. Insensitive.

Sinalubong ako ni Tita Lucinda nang isang mahigpit na yakap pagdating namin ni Sharlene. Tuloy ay muli na namang kumawala ang mga luhang pinipigil ko na sana. Ayoko sanang umiyak sa harapan ni Tita Lucinda dahil ayoko nang dumagdag pa sa lungkot ng pagkawala ni Lolo. Pero may kasamang iyak ang yakap niya sa akin habang paulit-ulit humihingi ng paumanhin sa ginawa ni Johann.

“I’m sorry, Kate!” sabi ni Tita.

Sinupil ko ang mga luhang nais pang kumawala at nagpilit ng ngiti para kay Tita Lucinda. Dapat ay mother-in-law ko na siya officially ngayon. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang estado ng relasyon namin ni Johann matapos ang lahat ng nangyari kahapon.

“Ayos lang po ako, Tita,” sabi ko na humihikbi pa. I had to assure her na hindi ko ikamamatay ang ginawa ni Johann sa akin.

Kanina sa sasakyan, naikwento ko na kay Sharlene na ibinaba ako ni Johann sa gitna ng highway. Galit na galit siya sa kuya niya at agad ding itinawag kay Tita Lucinda iyon kahit anong pigil ko pa. Kaya naman ganito mag-react si Tita ngayon.

“Be angry. Maiintindihan kita. Hindi tama ang ginawa ng anak ko sa ‘yo, Kate. I’m so sorry.” Ikinulong ni Tita ang mukha ko sa dalawa niyang mga palad habang tinutuyo ang mga luha ko. “Gusto kong sabihin sa ‘yo na sa pagkakataong ito, nasa panig mo ako.”

Umiling ako. Ayoko munang isipin si Johann. Hindi ako umuwi ro’n para sa kanya. “Si Lolo, Tita?”

“He already left us, Kate,” Tita Lucinda answered, letting go of my face and wiping her own tears. “Pero sigurado ako na hindi siya masaya na makita ang ginawa ni Johann sa ‘yo. He did his best to make Johann marry you, only for my son to treat you like this at his passing.”

Hindi ako nakakibo. Totoo kasi ‘yon. Kaya naman gano’n na lang kung tratuhin ako ni Johann ay dahil wala na si Lolo Thomas. And I cannot blame him. He was forced into this. It was perhaps a natural reaction from him. Finally, nakawala siya sa isang sitwasyong magkukulong sa kanya habambuhay.

And then it hit me. We had just gotten married. Would our marriage certificate reach the civil registry? Parang tinarakan ng kutsilyo ang puso ko sa posibilidad na hindi mairehistro ang kasal namin ni Johann.

If that happens, ako ang talo, ako at si Lolo.

“Go to your room and fix yourself. Mamaya-maya ay darating na ang Lolo mo. Sharlene,” tawag nito sa best friend kong tumutulong na ayusin ang pagbuburulan kay Lolo. “Samahan mo muna si Kate.”

Hindi na ako nakatanggi nang mabilis na lumapit si Sharlene. “Let’s go,” sabi niya.

Gustuhin ko man din sanang mapag-isa, mainam na rin munang hindi. Sabog pa ang utak at puso ko. I am vulnerable at the moment at ‘di ko alam kung saan ako pwedeng dalhin ng sakit na nararamdaman ko.

So, it’s better for me to have someone beside me.

“Would you like to rest first, Kate?” tanong ni Sharlene nang matapos akong mag-shower at makapagbihis ng itim na damit.

Funny how I was dressed in white yesterday and now in black. From celebration to mourning real quick. And I still couldn’t get my head wrapped around what was happening in my life these last two days.

“Hindi, hihintayin ko si Lolo,” sagot ko. Naupo ako sa vanity at mabagal na sinuklay ang buhok ko habang nakatitig sa babaeng parang bangkay na nakatitig pabalik sa akin. Maputla ang kulay ko, halatang galing sa pag-iyak ang namumugto kong mga mata, there were dark circles under my eyes. Mukha akong zombie, sa totoo lang. “Where is Johann, Sharlene?” tanong ko sa mahinang tinig.

“He took charge in taking care of Lolo’s body,” sagot niya na tumayo sa likuran ko at kinuha ang brush mula sa akin. “What is your plan now, Kate?”

“I don’t know,” amin ko. Wala pa talaga akong naiisip. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. But right now, I don’t want to think about myself. Si Lolo muna. Maybe, I can hold my feelings inside of me. Set aside my own pain para sa mga huling araw na makakasama namin at makikita ng pisikal si Lolo.

“Whatever your decision is, I’ll support you.” She smiled gently at me.

“I know,” tipid akong gumanti ng ngiti. For a moment, we were silent. Marahan niyang sinusuklay ang buhok ko habang nakatulala lang ako sa repleksyon ko sa salamin. “Sharlene,” I called her name softly after several minutes.

“Hmn?”

“What do you think will happen next between me and Johann?” Malungkot kong tanong.

“Honestly? I don’t know. But if you’re worried about the papers, Mama has them.”

Tipid akong ngumiti bago nanahimik ulit. I really don’t know what to do at the moment.

PASADO ALAS tres ng hapon nang dumating ang mga labi ni Lolo Thomas. Hindi ko na naman napigilang umiyak. Ni hindi ko napansin si Johann kung kasama nga ba siyang dumating. I immediately rushed to hug Lolo’s coffin. Wala akong pakialam sa iisipin ng iba. In my heart, he was my grandfather. He filled in that role in my life very well. He loved me as if I were his own grandchild. And yet, I caused his death.

Hindi ko matanggap iyon. How could I repay him that way?

Niyakap ako ni Tita Lucinda at pinilit na ilayo muna kay Lolo para maiayos na siya para sa pagdating ng mga bisita mamaya.

“I’m sorry, Tita! It’s all my fault!” Ang malakas na iyak ko ang pumuno sa katahimikan ng paligid.

“No, Kate…” tanggi ni Tita. “Do not blame yourself. Do you want your Lolo to be sad when he sees you like this? You have to be strong, okay? Dry those tears.”

Lumipas ang mga sandali na nakatulala lang ako sa sulok. I didn’t move from my spot even when visitors started arriving to pay their last respect for Lolo Thomas. At one point, I even overheard some people talking about me. Maybe they were present at the church yesterday.

While nobody dared to approach me and start a conversation with me, I could still feel their eyes on me. Hindi ako sigurado kung nakarating ba sa mga ito ang eskandalong iniwan ako ni Johann sa highway o dahil sa ikinilos ni Johann sa simbahan at ang ‘di na pagkakaroon ng reception? Or because Lolo died while we’re having that funny ceremony yesterday?

My heart was aching so much inside of me. Yet I dared not look at them. Ayokong ipahiya pa lalo ang sarili ko.

I decided to ignore the matter. Pero nagulat ako nang biglang magsisigaw si Tita Lucinda.

“How dare you bring that woman here, Johann?! Have you lost all your respect for your family?!”

Napatayo ako. Nakita ko si Tita na pinipigilan ni Sharlene na sugurin sina Johann at Natalie. Now I understood why the people present were talking about me, dumating pala si Johann kasama ang girlfriend nito. Ni hindi ko namalayan ang pagdating nila. Kanina pa ba ang mga ito?

“Ma, hindi nagpunta si Nat para manggulo,” tugon ni Johann, protectively shielding Natalie from his mother who had lost her temper completely. Tita wasn’t the kind to create a scene like this especially with people around. “She’s here to pay her respect!”

“Kung may respeto pa kayo sa Lolo mo, hindi mo dadalhin dito ang babaeng ‘yan, Johann!” galit na galit na sabi ni Tita Lucinda. “Get her out!”

Nagtagis ang mga bagang ni Johann habang pahikbi-hikbi naman si Natalie. “Let’s go,” yakag niya sa kasintahan.

I clenched my fists as I tried my best to keep my tears at bay. Muli akong naupo at pinilit iwaglit sa isipan ko na nakita ko ngayon lang na magkasama sina Johann at Natalie. I’ve seen them together countless times before but I’ve never been hurt the way I am hurting like now. I wanted to shout, cry my heart out, hurt myself so I’d be numb to the pain in my heart.

But I stayed in my spot, unmoving, even when I am slowly dying inside.

‘Lolo, can you just take me with you?’

Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla akong yakapin ni Sharlene. “I’m sorry, Kate! I’m sorry if I pushed you to be with my insensitive brother!” she whispered, silently crying. “I regret it so much!”

I smiled bitterly.

Now that my number one supporter was already regretful, how am I supposed to feel now? Before long, I tasted my own tears. I realized that I am crying again. Yet this time, it was a silent cry.

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” ani Sharlene.

I shook my head as a reply. Because no, I am staying with Lolo. I am not going to leave him even if my heart will be shattered into a thousand pieces over and over again.

“Alright. But please don’t forget to take a rest. I’ll leave you first. I’m gonna go check Mama,” paalam ni Sharlene.

I nodded. When she was gone, I buried my face in my hands and continued crying silently. Releasing my tears was the only thing I could do now to ease my pain.

I couldn’t blame anyone for what has become of me. I did this to myself. Because I chased a man who already loves someone else.

Tinuyo ko ng palad ko ang mga luha ko bago ako nagpasyang tumayo at lapitan si Lolo. I stood beside his coffin and stared at the old man who seemingly looked like he was just sleeping. In a few days, we won’t be seeing him anymore.

And no matter how many times Sharlene and Aunt Lucinda tell me that his death wasn’t my fault, I still hold myself responsible. At alam ko rin, ako ang sinisisi ni Johann sa lahat ng nangyari. I don’t need to hear him blame me, I could feel it. Otherwise, hindi niya dapat dinala ro’n si Natalie.

Because it wasn’t only disrespectful. It was insensitive.

Napahawak ako sa ulo ko nang biglang maging blurred sa paningin ko si Lolo. But as I staggered backwards, I suddenly felt cold and lightheaded. I closed my eyes to clear my vision, but I was shocked when darkness swallowed me whole.