Pretend To Forget

8. Jinx.

It was already dark outside when I regained consciousness. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko nang maramdaman ko ang pagkirot sa sintido ko. Naalala ko na nakatayo ako sa tabi ni Lolo. Did I pass out again?

I pulled myself together and got up from bed and walked to the window. Base sa tahimik ng paligid, malalim na ang gabi. I felt my tummy hurt, gutom na siguro ako. I decided to go down and grab something to eat.

But when I remembered that I’ll be passing by the living room where Lolo’s remains were, I wanted to change my mind. It still pains me to accept that he was already gone.

Pero alam ko na kailangan kong tanggapin. Tama si Tita Lucinda, hindi gugustuhin ni Lolo na hindi ako masaya. Ginawa niya ang lahat para ibigay ang ikasasaya ko, hindi ba? Then the least I could do was pretend to be happy even if I’m already shattered inside.

I decided to be strong. I’ll get through this.

Lalabas na sana ako ng silid nang bumukas ang pinto at iluwa no’n ang best friend ko. May dala siyang tray ng pagkain.

“Time and again, I always proved that our minds are connected,” nakangiti nitong sabi. “Hulaan ko, bababa ka kasi gutom ka na, ‘di ba?”

“You’re a telepath, Sharlene,” I answered, smiling a bit.

“No, I just know you too well. See, I know exactly what time you’ll be up after passing out. And so I know you might be hungry when you wake up, and thus the food. I’m amazing, right?”

“You are,” I agreed, laughing at how she insisted that we really were somehow connected. Siguro nga tama siya. May mga pagkakataon talaga na kahit wala kaming sabihin sa isa’t isa, nararamdaman namin kung may problema o kung may kailangan ang isa. Because we've been best friends since we were five and had been living inseparable together since we were ten.

“You are laughing,” natutuwa na parang maiiyak na sabi ni Sharlene sa akin. “It's so nice to see you like that. Here, eat your food before it gets cold.”

Sa halip na lumapit sa pagkaing nilapag niya sa bedside table ko, sa kanya ako lumapit at mahigpit siyang niyakap.

“Thanks for everything, Shar…”

“What are sisters for, Kate?”

I hugged her tighter and she hugged me back, hanggang sa hindi na kami makahinga at nag-unahan kaming bumitaw habang tumatawa.

I am indeed blessed by God when He gave me this girl to be my best friend. I smiled in my heart as I started to eat the food Sharlene prepared for me.

BECAUSE I was asleep for several hours, hindi na ako nakatulog pa ulit. Kaya naman pinagpahinga ko muna sina Tita Lucinda at Sharlene para ako naman ang magbantay kay Lolo. Although hindi ko naman talaga kailangang gawin iyon dahil may mga kasambahay naman na gising.

Pero gusto kong sulitin ang natitirang ilang araw na naroon pa si Lolo. Tita Lucinda told me earlier na tatlong araw lang ibuburol si Lolo roon. Wala na rin kasing hinihintay pa na kamag-anak. Lolo’s immediate family in Ireland were all gone before him. Tito Jack was an only son and Lolo’s wife had gone on ahead many years ago. Close relatives said that they will just be watching the internment to be filmed live by Sharlene for them.

Tahimik akong naupo sa unahan. Wala namang ibang tao na naroon. Ang ibang mga kaibigan ng pamilya ay nagpunta na kahapon. Later today, mga business associates naman.

Dahil napakatahimik, kaunting kaluskos lang ay napapalingon ako. But when Natalie sat beside me, I didn’t notice her until she spoke. I might have been lost in my thoughts before she came.

“Still pretending to be sad, Kate?” Natalie asked, hindi naman siya nakatingin sa akin kundi sa unahan kung saan naroon si Lolo.

“Ano ang ginagawa mo rito?” I asked back, not at all happy to see her. “Gagawa ka na naman ng eksena?”

And how dare she say that I am just pretending?

“No, Kate. Unless, magwawala ka.” She looked at me tauntingly. “And to answer your question, Lolo Thomas would’ve been my grandfather-in-law had you not play your dirty tricks and took his blessing to marry my boyfriend. Of course, I have to see him for the last time."

“Hindi niya magugustuhan ang presensya mo rito kaya umalis ka na!” Mariin kong pagtataboy sa mahinang boses.

I looked around and found no sign of Johann. Did this shameless woman return alone?

“Like I would heed to your words,” sarkastiko niyang sagot sa akin. “I’m here for Lolo and not for you.” She stood up and went to stand beside Lolo’s coffin.

I clenched my fists. Tumayo rin ako at tinabihan siya.

Natalie was taller than me, aside from the fact that she was still poised at almost four in the morning. Naka-three-inch high heels siya at black na maxi dress. Nagmukha akong plain jane sa tabi niya sa suot kong pambahay.

Pero talaga namang mas maganda siya kahit pa nakaayos ako. Kaya nga si Johann ay hindi mabaling ang pansin sa akin kahit na mag-cart wheel pa ako sa harapan niya. It’s all because of this woman.

“You know,” mayamaya ay sabi ni Natalie. “I’m wondering what will be your next step now that Lolo’s gone.”

“Need I do more, Natalie?” I asked challengingly. “I already married your boyfriend.”

Sa gulat ko ay mahina siyang natawa. “Come on, what could your fake papers do against me?”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Pero ngumiti lang siya nang nakakainsulto sa akin. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going now,” may ngiti ng tagumpay sa mga labi nito.

Naiwan naman akong hindi makapaniwala. Anger rose inside my chest as I watched her leave. Ano ang ibig niyang sabihin sa fake papers? Did she mean Johann and I's marriage documents?

Pakiramdam ko hindi ako makahinga. I even clutched my chest in a way that seemed like I'm in a desperate need for air. Napakasakit ng nararamdaman ko. Did Johann fake everything?

Hindi pa sapat lahat ng ginawa niyang pamamahiya sa akin at sa buo niyang pamilya na kailangan pa niyang mameke ng dokumento?

'What does it matter, Kate? Even if he didn't fake the papers, it won't still reach the civil registry.'

'But Tita Lucinda has the papers. I know that she will do everything to have it registered!' Katwiran ng pasaway kong puso na umaasa pa ring asawa ko si Johann mula pa noong ikasal kaming dalawa noong isang araw.

'Umaasa ka pa rin, Kate? Have mercy on yourself. Magising ka na sa katotohanan. Johann hates you. He hates you so much he went as far as faking your marriage documents just so he wouldn't lose his inheritance! You're worthless to him! When will you accept that?'

My mind was so harsh to me. I couldn't help it when my tears fell anew.

'No. I need to have a word with Johann first. I need to hear it straight from him. Who knows, niloloko lang ako ni Natalie? Didn't she refuse to say anything more?'

'You're hopeless, Kate. You know that?'

Napasinghot ako nang manubig na pati ilong ko. Hanggang sa unti-unti, napaupo na lang ako kung saan ako nakatayo mismo.

I ruined my life. I knew I just did the moment I decided to enter Johann's room and put our fate in my hands.

Makalipas ang ilang minutong pag-iyak, I was forced to calm myself as I heard footsteps near me. Nang mag-angat ako ng paningin ay una kong nakita ang mga sapatos na suot ni Johann.

I knew it was him. Hindi ko kailangang tingnan ang mukha niya para mapag-sino siya.

He stopped beside me, facing Lolo's coffin, with his hands in his pants' pocket.

"Johann!" I exclaimed, immediately picking myself up and stood beside him.

Hindi man lang niya ako nilingon, as if I wasn't there and he couldn't see me at all. Did I just become invisible?

"A-anong ginagawa mo rito? Kanina ka pa ba? Did you come with N-Natalie?" I asked nervously.

Why am I nervous?

"Are you happy now?" He asked after a whole minute.

I nearly chilled at the coldness in Johann's voice. He was calm. But I didn't miss the anger in his tone.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Pakiramdam ko nakatayo ako sa courtroom, I was the accused and I'm awaiting the verdict that I already knew was not in my favor.

"Lolo's gone. He died making sure you got what you wanted. Are you happy now?" With each word that he uttered, he never failed to make me feel that he was blaming me for Lolo's death.

I bit my lower lip hard, I could almost taste my own blood. How could he say that?

"It is not my fa—"

"You are the jinx in our family, Kate. Lahat ng masamang nangyari sa pamilya namin, dala-dala mo! When will you stop bringing us bad luck, huh? Whose life are you going to ruin next?"

Masyadong mabigat ang mga sinabi ni Johann. I could almost see myself sinking at his every word.

He wasn't only blaming me for Lolo's death. He's accusing me of destroying their family! When did I ever do that?

And a jinx? He only saw me as a jinx?

"I—"

"Stop. Hindi ako interesado sa sasabihin mo." He turned his back on me and was about to leave.

I forced myself to snap out of my self pity and stopped him from leaving.

"Is it true?" I asked, my voice shaking.

He stopped but didn't look back at me. So I continued.

"You faked our marriage papers?"

Johann seemed surprised. But he didn't deny it. Instead, he chuckled coldly before answering me.

"You tell me, Katherina."

What's that supposed to mean? Because I didn't find my voice at once, he continued walking away. And as I watched him leave, my heart constricted inside my chest. It's as if it was being pulled out from my body.

But through my blurry vision, I ran after him.

"Johann!" I called before he reached his car. "What ever wrong did I do to you for you to treat me this way?!" I shouted at him, tears uncontrollably flowing down my cheeks. "All I ever did was love you!"

"Save your love. I don't want it." Johann looked at me with such contempt before he entered his car and drove away.

I was left defeated and hurt.