Pretend To Forget

9. Fake it.

"Kate, ayos ka lang ba?" Nag-aalala na tanong sa akin ni Sharlene. Tinabihan niya ako sa pagkakaupo ko sa dulong upuan. "Ang sabi ni Yaya Mering ay wala ka pang kinakain mula pa kaninang umaga. Baka mapa'no ka na niyan."

Umiling ako at mapait na ngumiti. Iyon nga ang gusto ko. Iyong may mangyari na sa akin. Gusto ko na lang sumama kay Lolo. I'm tired of my life.

I don't want to live anymore.

"Let's go and get you something to eat," Sharlene said again, urging me to leave my seat.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me," tanggi ko.

Wala pa akong pinagsasabihan ng naging pag-uusap namin ni Johann kaninang madaling araw. Ayaw kong ipaalam kay Sharlene o kay Tita Lucinda kung gaano ang galit na nararamdaman ko ngayon para kay Johann, kay Natalie at higit lalo sa sarili ko.

I am a jinx, he said.

That accusation wounded my heart deeply. If that's how he really sees me all this time, then I am the most stupid person alive today. How could I give my whole life loving such a man?

Nakakatawa. I chased him since I have known him and yet he caused me this piercing pain. I felt like I'm dying inside.

Pero hindi ko pwedeng ipakita na durog na durog na ako sa loob ko. Ayaw kong mag-alala sina Tita Lucinda at Sharlene. Ayaw kong dumagdag pa sa pagluluksa nila, sa pagkapahiya nila gawa ng kasal namin ni Johann na naging usap-usapan sa circle kung saan kabilang ang pamilya nila.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas masakit, ang hindi ka siputin sa kasal o ang hayagang balewalain ka sa harapan ng mga saksi at pagkatapos ay abandunahin sa kalsada? At kung hindi pa sapat, peke pa ang mga papeles na huling pag-asa sanang maisalba ang lahat.

"No, Kate. Paanong hindi ako mag-aalala? Looking at you, kahit wala kang sabihin, alam kong may hindi ka kinukwento sa akin. What happened?"

"I just don't feel like eating. That's all, Sharlene. Don't overthink. I really am fine," nagpilit ako ng ngiti, trying to make it look genuine.

Pero imbes makumbinse, Sharlene rolled her eyes at me.

"The maids said that Kuya and Natalie were here early this morning and you talked to them. Sasabihin mo ba sa akin o sasabihin mo?" She asked, giving me no chance to say otherwise.

"Nothing worth sharing."

Napagdesisyunan ko na kasi na sosolohin ko ang sakit. Hindi na dapat malaman pa nina Tita Lucinda at Sharlene. Ayaw ko na masaktan din sila para sa akin.

"Alam mo naman na ayaw sa akin ng Kuya mo at hindi naman iyon nagbago pagkatapos niya akong iwanan sa highway," dagdag ko pa, trying my best na iparamdam sa tinig ko na wala nga kaming pinag-usapan na importante na nakasakit sa akin.

"CCTVs?" Sharlene reminded me sabay turo sa mga CCTV na naroon. Telling me indirectly na kahit na hindi ko sabihin ang totoo sa kanya, malalaman pa rin niya ang 'di ko sinasabi.

"They don't have audio," I giggled, totoong natawa ako sa lame na panlaban niya.

"But I can lip read," sabi pa niya.

"Doubt it. I know what you can do, Shar. Lip reading isn't one of your talents."

Sharlene rolled her eyes once more. "Alright, but shall we go and get you something for your stomach first?"

I heaved a sigh. I know this girl. Hindi siya titigil hangga't hindi nasasayaran ng pagkain ang sikmura ko.

"Okay," sabi ko na sumuko na sa pangungulit niya. Kahit wala naman talaga akong gana, and I doubt I can fake it. Pero ayaw ko namang magpakulit pa.

"Good girl," proud pa sa sarili nitong convincing power ang best friend ko at madalian akong hinila papunta sa kusina.

"LET THEM BE, Tita."

Sa huling gabi ng burol ni Lolo, Johann arrived with Natalie's whole family.

Nang unang beses pa lang na nagpahayag si Johann ng intensyon niyang pakasalan na si Natalie, his family already disagreed. However, they still went with Johann when the latter asked his girlfriend's hand in marriage.

Sa mga pagkakataong iyon kasi, wala pa naman ako sa eksena. Hindi pa nangyayari ang hindi dapat mangyari.

But now that we have come to a point where Tita Lucinda had to pick a side, she unhesitatingly gave her support to me. Thus, she didn't want to see Natalie or anyone from her family knowing that they were the same reason why her son would willingly disrespect and defy his family.

Though they came in good intention perhaps, that didn't matter anymore. Their mere presence had given Tita Lucinda a whole emotional trigger.

"Just don't face them, Mama," sabi naman ni Sharlene. "I will handle this matter."

"Shar, don't be violent out there," bilin ko. I chose to stay with Tita. Ayaw kong mapagtawanan nila. Alam ko na at this point, they were celebrating my defeat.

Natatandaan kong sinabi ni Sharlene sa akin na isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ayaw nina Lolo at Tita si Natalie para kay Johann ay dahil sa pamilya ng babae. Natalie's father had a bad reputation in the business world. And Lolo was sure, gagamitin ng mga ito ang kanilang pamilya para sa impluwensya.

And yet Johann was blinded by his love for Natalie that he refused to see what others see.

Alam ko na dahil wala na si Lolo, Nat's family might be thinking na matutuloy na ang kasal ng mga ito. At aaminin ko na hindi malayong mangyari iyon.

Dahil peke ang mga papeles namin, wala ni katiting na magiging balakid sa desisyon nila kung sakali. Walang magagawa maski ang pagtutol ni Tita Lucinda.

Hindi ba nga't patuloy siyang sinusuway ni Johann? He wasn't afraid to defy his mother for Natalie's sake.

I choke back my sobs when I remembered that I failed Lolo Thomas. He did everything to make Johann marry me. But in the end, his grandson outwitted us. Johann sure did everything to make me feel worthless.

"Kate, I promise you, pagkatapos ng libing bukas, aayusin ko ang mga dokumento ninyo ni Johann." Tita Lucinda held my hands.

I smiled faintly and gently nodded my head. No. I cannot break her heart by telling her that everything is fake.

She might find out about it soon though and I must prepare myself for another emotional roller coaster ride.

"You are the only daughter-in-law that I will accept in our family, Kate," Tita said as she pulled me in a tight embrace.

"Thank you, Tita," I mumbled.

"Why don't you call me Mama instead?"

I secretly let my tears fall as I concealed my pain in a low chuckle. "Of course, Mama…"