Pretend To Forget

10. Despicable.

Sa araw ng libing ni Lolo, iniwasan ko nang umiyak. Hindi ko na nais magpabaon sa kanya ng luha. Tita Lucinda and Sharlene did the same.

As for Johann, he was wearing sunglasses. Natalie was with him and never left his side. Ako na lang din ang umiwas. Ayaw kong makita ni Natalie how broken and devastated I was.

Isa pa, last night, while I watched the two of them together with Natalie's family, I realized that maybe they really were in love. And it's a shame for me if I continue to meddle with them.

I cannot continue with this love that I am forcing to Johann. Didn't he already say it? He didn't want it.

"Kate, let's go," yakag ni Sharlene sa akin nang tuluyan ng maisara ang himlayan ni Lolo.

I would have wanted to say na mauna na sila at doon muna ako. But I saw Johann unmoving on his spot as well. Alam ko na masakit sa kanya ang nangyari higit sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. After all, siya ang tunay na apo at kadugo.

He was very close to Lolo Thomas. Nagkalamat lang iyon nang ipagtulakan ako ni Johann palayo.

Kaya ibibigay ko na lang sa kanya ang huling pagkakataon na ito. He needed it to say goodbye to his beloved grandfather.

"Alright. Give me a sec." I looked at Lolo's grave once more before I turned my back and went with Sharlene.

Nakita ko sa sulok ng mga mata ko na nilapitan ni Tita Lucinda si Johann at niyakap ang anak. Tapos ay iniwanan na niya ito.

Habang nasa byahe kami pauwi, wala kaming imikan. Alam ko, nagsisink in na rin kina Tita at Sharlene na sa pagbabalik namin sa bahay, wala na talaga si Lolo. It will never be the same again.

It was very much like that time when Tito Jack left us forever. Now, another man in the family had gone before us.

Si Johann na lang ang natitirang lalaki sa pamilya. And at this time, hindi pa maayos ang relasyon niya kina Tita at Sharlene dahil sa akin.

Kagabi pa ako nag-iisip kung ano ang gagawin ko to save their family from being totally broken apart. Alam ko na ang pananatili ko ay patuloy na magpapalayo sa loob ni Johann sa sarili niyang ina at kapatid. I couldn't stay and watch that happen like a selfish brat who only thinks of herself.

I care about them. One of the reasons I felt at home with them was because they were a happy and complete family. Wala kasi ako no'n. Kaya sinamantala ko na ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko sa kanila. Because I hoped in my heart that one day, I'll get to be a part of their family for real.

At ang akala ko,mangyayari lang iyon kapag nagkatuluyan kami ni Johann. I was wrong. Like I was so d*mn wrong. I broke them apart.

And I really really regret it.

If only I could turn back time. Hindi ko gagawin ang gabing nag-umpisang lumayo nang tuluyan ang loob ni Johann sa aming lahat…

"Kate, rest early, alright? You haven't slept in the last forty eight hours," sabi ni Tita Lucinda sa akin nang makarating na kami sa bahay. "Ikaw rin, Sharlene. Bumawi kayo ng tulog."

"Tita!" I hugged her out of the blue. Mahigpit. There's so much I wanted to thank her for. But now, I just wanted to hug her and feel the warmth of a motherly hug when she returned my embrace.

"Mama, Kate. You are my daughter-in-law now. Akala ko ba nagkaintindihan na tayo kagabi?" sabi niya sa basag na boses.

"Ah, bakit ba kayo nagda-dramang dalawa?" Ani Sharlene na yumakap din sa amin.

Nagyakapan kaming tatlo and started to get emotional. Gayunpaman ay natapos iyon sa tawanan nang pagkukurutin kami ni Tita habang tinataboy kami ni Sharlene para matulog na.

We went to our respective rooms and tried hard to ignore the empty feeling of knowing that from that time, hindi na namin kasama si Lolo.

AS THE night was approaching, I became restless. There was so much going on inside my mind. Pakiramdam ko mababaliw na ako. When I felt like I could no longer breathe, I ran to my window and opened it to have some air in my lungs.

Kaso sa pagdungaw ko sa bintana, nakita ko ang pagdating ni Johann sa bahay. Hinatid siya ni Natalie dahil bumaba rin ang babae. They hugged and kissed before Natalie went back inside the car and drove away.

Pakiramdam ko may nakatayo roon at pinana ako sa puso ko. It wasn't cupid though. Ang arrow niya ay hindi para ma-in love ako. Iyon ay para gisingin ako sa katotohanan na ang lalaking mahal ko, may mahal na iba. And soon enough, they will be a family once Natalie gives birth to their first born.

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko habang ragasa na sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko.

Bago ko napagtanto ang mga sunod kong aksyon, natagpuan ko ang sarili ko na hinihintay si Johann sa labas ng silid ko. Dadaan siya ro'n para makarating sa silid niya.

What am I doing though?

"Johann," I called him once I saw him.

He shot me a cold glare and didn't stop on his track.

"Let us talk… About us," I said again, ignoring the sharp pain in my heart. If he could give Natalie a hug and a kiss, why did I only get a cold glance from him?

"What else is not clear to you, Kate?" He stopped in front of his room's door.

"I am your wife," sabi ko, deceiving myself that moment. Dahil alam na alam kong hindi. "Don't I deserve even just a minute of your time?"

He laughed mockingly. Mahina pero ramdam ko ang insulto at galit niya.

"Didn't you say that our papers are fake? How could you still think that you are my wife? What do you want from me now?"

"Did you really do that?" Of course he did. Natalie told me, didn't she? Then why was Johann acting like he just heard it from me?

"Tell me honestly, Kate," he began walking towards me. "What do you really want by telling me that you are my wife?" Johann stopped right in front of me, extending his one hand on the wall behind me and bending down to see me eye to eye rather closely.

Too close I almost held my breath at the proximity.

"Are you trying to tell me to sleep in your room?" He mocked. "Are you trying to seduce me by not wearing your bra under your thin shirt?"

My cheeks burned when I realized I wasn't decent when I suddenly left my room to wait for him in the hallway. Tears stung my eyes as I didn't find my voice to refute. I did not even think of covering myself, my mind went blank completely as I watched Johann give me a once over before setting his gaze on mine again.

Dislike was written all over his face as if there's nothing in me that pleased him the smallest bit.

"It's n-not like what you're thinking, Johann," I said in a shaky voice.

"Really? Then good. Because right now, even if you'd strip naked in front of me, I will not feel anything," he even moved too close to me to say that right beside my ear. "You disgust me, Katherina. Everything about you disgust me."

Tears escaped my eyes as I painfully watched him pull away, looked at me as if I were trash and turned his back without giving me another glance.

I felt as though my heart stopped beating. For two whole minutes, I stayed standing outside my room's door like a wretched zombie.

'You're despicable, Johann!' My mind shouted. 'I hate you!'

When I entered my room again, my feet brought me to where my travel documents were. With shaking hands, I held my passport as my mind went into a frenzy.

'What about Tita Lucinda and Sharlene, Kate?'

I stopped crying and walked towards my wardrobe.

I really don't know what to do anymore. But the pain in my heart was just too much to take now. Will I wait until Tita Lucinda finds out the truth about Johann and I's marriage documents?

Will I wait to watch her get hurt again? Will I wait for another confrontation that might ruin them forever?

Or will I leave now and save their relationship? At least, kapag ako ang umalis, blame will be on me. Kasi ako ang sumuko.

How will I leave though? Where will I go?

But even without a concrete plan in mind, that night, I left when everyone's deep in their sleep.