THE PLAY PRETEND

Talk

Felix looks a little different than usual. His eyes have dark circles. Hindi ba siya nakakatulog ng maayos? He also grew some stubbles. Humaba na rin ng bahagya ang kanyang mga buhok. Pero kahit ganoon ay maayos pa rin siyang tingnan. He still looks attractive.

Napa-iling ako sa sarili kong iniisip. Tinitigan ko siyang muli. Is this real? Nasa harap ko ba talaga siya? I poked at his chest at nang naramdaman ko ang tigas ng kanyang dibdib ay nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Umatras ako at akmang sasaraduhan siya ng pinto nang malakas niya itong itinulak at basta pumasok. Hinila niya ako palayo sa pinto at siya na mismo ang nagsara noon.

Uminit ang ulo ko sa ginawa niya.

“What are you doing here?!” sigaw ko.

Hindi niya ako sinagot. Sa halip ay naglakad siya paupo sa couch ko at komportableng umupo roon. Ang kapal ng mukha!

“Bakit ka sabi nandito?!”

He stared at me blankly.

“Why did you poke me? Do you think you’re hallucinating that I am in front of you?”

“W-what are you saying…”

“Hinintay mo ba ako?” tanong niya. Kumabog ng malakas ang puso ko. “Where’s your phone?”

Napakurap-kurap ako sa harapan niya. Why is he asking me series of question? I should be the one doing that!

“I said, where’s your phone?”

“Bakit, anong gagawin mo?”

He fished phone out of his pocket. May ni-dial siya at inilagay ito sa loud speaker but the other line beeped saying the number cannot be reached. Could it be?

“You changed your number,” sabi niya. Hindi nagtatanong, hindi nanghuhula. Sinabi niya iyon na para bang siguradong-sigurado siyang nagpalit talaga ako ng numero.

Well, yes. I did.

“S-so?” kabado kong tanong.

He leaned his head on the backrest of the couch and closed his eyes.

“I was in the company,” kwento niya. “Your office lights are off. Desk is clean. No signs of you. I tried calling you but, I can’t get to you. I tried asking the other employees but they don’t have answers as well. I asked your friend, but she won’t talk to me at all,” he massaged the bridge of his nose. “Surprisingly, when I asked your boss about your whereabouts, she told me… you resigned, Shiloah?”

His eyes were bloodshot when he stared at me.

“W-well,” damn! Can’t I speak without stammering?! “It’s none of your business, Felix,” tumikhim ako para itago ang kabang nararamdaman.

Natigilan ako nang bigla siyang tumayo. Hinarap niya ako.

"Unfortunately, Shiloah, it is," diniinan niya ang pagkakabanggit sa pangalan ko.

Inirapan ko siya. "I'm tired. I want to start afresh. Masama ba 'yun?!"

“Why can’t you just tell me the truth, Shy? That you left because of me… Didn’t I tell you we should be honest to each other?” pagsusumamo niya.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” pagmamaang-maangan ko.

“You know you’re a bad liar, don’t you?” bigla siyang tumayo at lumapit sa akin.

His dark expression tells me that he’s not playing, more so joking. I can’t stand the gazes he’s giving me. Umalis ako sa harap niya at lumapit sa pintuan. I opened it widely and gestured the way to him.

“Get out, Felix.”

Tumingala siya at ilang beses huminga ng malalim bago tumungo sa kinaroroonan ko. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang naglakad siya sa gawi ko. Buong akala ko ay susundin niya ako at lalabas siya pero ganoon na lamang ang gulat ko nang kinuha niya ang kamay ko sa door handle at saka malakas na isinara ang pinto. It created a loud noise and echoed in my unit.

“Ano ba!”

He carefully dragged me out of there and me sat on my couch. Sumalampak ang likod ko at nakaramdam ako ng kaunting sakit kaya matatalim ang titig na iginawad ko sa kanya.

"Hindi mo ba ako naiintindihan? I don;t want you here! Leave me alone!"

“Let’s talk,” he said.

Kinuha niya ang stool na nasa pinakasulok ng living room at pinuwesto ito sa harap ko, hindi natitinang sa nalilisik kong mga mata.

“I’m sorry but we have nothing to talk about.”

“Yes, we do.” He spread his legs wider and clasped his hands together while looking intently at me. Akala ko matapang na ako pero hindi ko pa rin pala kayang makipagtitigan sa kanya lalo na kapag ganito kami kalapit sa isa't-isa. Muli ko syiyang inirapan at iniwas ko ang paningin ko.

“Why do you have to that, love?” mahinahon nyang tanong.

Love. Nanindig ang balahibo ko sa salitang iyon.

Gustong-gusto kong naririnig ang endearment na iyon mula sa kanya. It feels so sweet hearing it, and even after everything, it still has the same effect on me.

“The what?”

“Why did you resign?”

I remained silent. I don’t want to talk about it. For days, iniwasan kong isipin ito. Kahit isang beses ay hindi ko hinayaan ang sarili kong malunod sa isiping ito because I know that if I do, I will be putting a salt on my unhealed wound.

“Speak, Shiloah,” he demanded.

Mariin ko siyang tinitigan.

“Isn’t it obvious, Felix? The board voted for you. You were promoted. And even before we started being in a… relationship, I know I have been vocal about my desire of having that position. Now that you got it, I am not worthy there anymore.”

Napakunot ang noo niya.

“I have plans for us. Bakit hindi mo ko hinintay? Bakit kailangan mo akong pangunahan?”

“What plans are you talking about, Felix. Kahit isang beses ay hindi natin ito napag-usapan kaya paano mo nasasabing may plano ka para sa atin?”

“I didn’t because you did not, too-”

“I never tried because I was afraid! I was so… inferior of you…” ito ang unang beses na aaminin ko ito sa kanya. “Ever since we resided in your building, you always make me feel so small, Felix. After those belittlement, the insults I’ve received from you, I have it all here,” tinuro ko ang puso ko. “Do you even have the slightest idea how it scarred me?” I asked, almost whispering. “I bet you don’t.”

Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko.

"And now that the board have decided, mas lalo ko lang napatunayan na walang-wala ako kung ikukumpara sa'yo. You and I are just not the same, Felix. Hindi tayo magka-level. Mas magaling. Mas matalino," pinunasan ko ang namumuong luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko.

"Shy..."

"You don't have to speak anything, Felix. You are a part of why I am feeling this way but I swear to my name that you have nothing to about it. It's just that... sobrang layo mo sa akin kaya tuwing may nasasabi ka tungkol sa ginagawa ko ay pinapangarap kong sana kasing galing mo ako..." I sniffed.

“I’m sorry.”

Muling nangilid ang luha ko.

“It’s fine. Tanggap ko na ikaw ang pinii nila dahil mas karapat-dapat ka doon. I have nothing against it. Me, leaving the company has nothing to do against you. It was my personal decision.”

Pareho kaming natahimik. Softly, his one hand carressed mine, and the other held my chin and bowed his head slightly to level our eyes.

"Ayan, magkasing lebel na tayo."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapt kong maramdaman nung sinabi niya iyon, kung maiinis ba ako o matutuwa. I decided to choose the latter dahil kahit paano ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko tuloy napigilan ang sarili kong umiling.

"You're smiling," aniya.

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

Unti-unti ay kumalma na rin ako. Ilang sandali ang dumaan ay muli siyang nagtanong. Tanong na dahilan kung bakit bumangon na naman ang lungkot sa puso ko.

“Your boss told me you were sent to the hospital. Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin, Shy?”

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa tanong niya. Seriously?

Natatawa akong umiling. “Ang kapal naman ng mukha mong itanong sa akin ‘yan Felix.”

Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkagulo. Binawi ko ang kamay kong hawak niya. Pinanood niya akong lumayo sa kanya.

“Totoo. Ang kapal ng mukha mong itanong ‘yan. I was sick because of you. Hindi mo alam? Because I walked down the rain because you ran to Coraline. You know what’s funny? Kahit mahihimatay na ako, pangalan mo pa rin ang huling binanggit ko. You know why? Because I miss you!” muli na namang uminit ang sulok ng mga mata ko.

“Why do you have to be one call away when she needs you, but when it’s me who need you, hindi ka na ma-contact? I don’t mean to be selfish pero… mas matimbang ba siya sa akin?”

“That’s not true,” tumayo siya at akmang lalapit sa akin pero pinigilan ko siya.

“No, don’t… don’t come near me.”

Am I bitter? Yup. Sino ba naman ang hindi, hindi ba? Hindi naman ako martyr. Normal na tao lang naman ako, nagkakaproblema, at kagaya ng iba, nagseselos rin ako, nalulungkot, nasasaktan. Kagaya lang din naman ako ng ibang babae na paniniwalaan kung ano ang nakikita. Kaya masisisi ba niya ako kung nagkakaganito ako ngayon?

His mouth opened to speak but words didn’t come out.

“That woman does not even appear to be sick, Felix. Sigurado ba talaga kayong may sakit ‘yun? She looks healthy and fine to me especially when I saw you two on that coffee shop. Ang galing mo rin, e ‘no? Ilang beses akong tumawag, ilang beses akong nagsend ng message pero kahit isa wala kang sinagot,” matapang ko siyang hinarap.

“Let me explain-”

“What explanation do I have to hear Felix when it’s clear that you’ve abandoned me and chose to sleep with that woman!”

“What? Ano’ng pinagsasabi mo? I did not.”

I laughed sarcastically.

“Don’t try to deny it Felix. I have receipt and it was sent by your woman!”

“I don’t…” ramdam ko sa boses niya ang pagpipigil niyang pagtaasan ako ng boses. Yumuko siya at sa muling pag-angat ng paningin niya sa akin ay nababakas ko ang ginagawa niyang pagpipigil sa sarili. “I don’t understand what you are talking about.”

Malungkot akong ngumiti sa kanya. Naglakad ako papunta sa cabinet at kinuha doon ang nakapatong kong cellphone. I rummaged through it. I changed my contact number but I never deleted the messages I sent to him including the photo sent through his phone because I know that this day would definitely come. I just did not expect that it would be happening this soon.

Nang nakita ko na ang hinahanap ko ay iniabot ko sa kanya ang cellphone ko.

“Here.”

Nagtataka niya namang kinuha ito at kalaunan ay tiningnan rin kung ano ang laman noon.

“I disliked you so much before that one email from you and my eyes will be rolling 360 degrees. Look at me now, flooding your inbox hundreds of messages I was not sure if you read,” agad kong pinunasan ang isang patak ng luha ko.

“I busied myself hating you that I didn’t see this one coming. It hurts so much because I love you. Pero ngayon nagdududa na rin naman ako, because if this is love then why does it hurt? If this is love then I don’t want it, Felix,” humikbi ako.

“Shiloah…”

“Did you see the photo?”

“Shiloah, nothing happened here…”

I waved my hand. “Yeah, whatever. Just… just close the door when you leave,” sabi ko.

Tinalikuran ko siya at tinungo na ang kwarto ko. This is draining. Malamig naman ang buong living room pero namuo pa rin ang malalagkit na pawis sa noo ko. Gusto ko na lang magbabad sa bathtub.

Isasara ko na sana ang pintuan ko nang biglang may kamay na humarang dito.

What? Hindi pa rin siya umaalis?!

Malakas niyang tinulak ang pinto ko dahilan kung bakit napaatras ako sa gulat.

“Hindi ba’t sinabi ko umalis ka na?!” pagalit kong sabi.

“We’re not yet done talking,” he said as he reached for me and crashed his lips against mine.

His fiery kisses was taking my sanity away pero nilabanan ko ito. I held his hand that was cupping my face and tried to remove it but he won’t let me! Iniwas ko rin ang labi ko sa kanya but his kisses went down to my neck.

“Felix, stop…” daing ko but my voice and body betrayed me. They like it.

I held his shoulders to push him away but I was stunned when he inserted his hands in my shirt. My lips parted when he traced my spine and he grabbed that chance to kiss me again.

I gasped when he bit my lower lip and kissed me like he never before.

My mind told me that I am a firefly and Felix is a lamp. The kisses he was giving me spreads heat in my entire body and it will surely be the death of me. But his hands became exploratory and that’s when I gave in.

My other hand went to his nape to pull him closer. When he walked me to the bed, heat exploded down my spine as he did wonders I had for the first time.

His gazes were burning me when he pulled away. I opened my drowsy eyes to look at him. Before kissing me once more, he kissed my eyes, and said:

“I love you.”

I almost trembled when he left no parts of me untouched. It’s intoxicating me. In soft groans and moans, our bodies moved into similar and steady rhythm. I grew restless when he changed into fast tempo that drove both of us into satisfaction.

My breathing hitched when he removed his self from me. Even our breathing is in harmony. My eyelids felt so heavy that I can barely see Felix and before drifting off to the world of dream, I felt him kiss my forehead and hugged me tightly.