THE PLAY PRETEND

Always

“Why does your books are all about business and law? Wala ka bang novels dito?” tanong ko sa kanya isang umaga habang nag-aagahan kaming dalawa.

“I have but only few.”

“Where? Why did I not see one?”

“Keep looking, Shiloah. You can;t really see it if you only look at it with your mouth.”

I chuckled.

“Why do you sound like a mother reprimanding her child?”

“Are you done eating?”

I nodded.

He took my empty plate and brought it on his dishwasher. I stood u and went to him.

“Leave it. I can do it. Umalis ka na, baka ma-late ka.”

He leaned in on the edge of the sink, arms crossed.

“Are you training yourself to be a wife now?” he grinned.

“You wish,” pagtataray ko. “You know what, you should really go now.”

He softly chuckled. “Alright,” humakbang siya papalapit sa akin at saka hinalikan ang aking noo. “See you later.”

“Wait, what time will you be home?”

“Don’t tell me you miss me already,” pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata.

I looked up, eyes closed tightly. Huminga ako ng malalim. Tinapat ko sa gripo ang kamay kong puno ng sabon bago ipinunas sa suot kong t-shirt para matuyo at saka tinulak si Felix palabas.

“Why are you being like this now, seriously. This is so very very out of your character!”

Humalakhak siya ng malakas bago umikot paharap sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang pareho kong balikat at nilebel ang mukha sa akin.

“I will try to be home before dinner.”

I removed his hands on my shoulder and wrapped my arms on his waist instead. Tiningala ko siya.

“What do you want for dinner? I’ll cook it for you.”

“Anything just make sure you’ll not burn down my house. Alright?”

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. “I can pretty much do everything in the house, excuse me!” naiinis ko kunwaring sabi. I stepped away from him and opened his door. “Go away!” mahina ko siyang tinulak palabas at saka sinarhan ng pinto.

Nangingiti akong umiling habang naglakad pabalk ng kusina para tapusin ang ginagawa ko.

It’s only morning. Ano kayang magandang gawin? Should I clean his whole house? I think it would take me an hour. Halos malinis na man na kasi ang bahay niya. Well, ano pa nga ba ang ini-expect ko sa kanya.

So that’s what I did. Tinapos ko muna ang iniwan kong hugasin at saka hinanap ang kanyang walis and mop. Should I start on the upper floor?

I opened his room and found my duffel bag on the floor. I picked it up and put it on the bed then removed my clothes from it hanged it in Felix’s wardrobe. Yes, I will treat this as my second home.

Sunod kong ginawa ay inayos ang maayos ng kama. I slept here last night. On this bed. Without Felix.

Where did he sleep? On the other room. He’s so gentleman isn’t he? As if nothing happened between us! I kept arguing with him but knowing him, he totally ignored me and lock the room he was in! Sometimes, I don’t really understand what’s going on in his mind.

Kinuha ko ang walis tambo saka yumuko para malinis ang ilalim ng kama but I realized quickly that walis tambo was of no use because his room has a carpeted floor so I had to go downstairs a few time because I could not find where his vacuum cleaner was.

Pagkatapos ko sa kwarto ay sinunod ko naman ang banyo. And even though there was no single dirt in the bathroom, I made it even more cleaner. Pero sa huli ay itinigil ko na rin. Ginagawa ko lang katawa-tawa ang sarili ko sa paglilinis ng malinis na man na.

That’s why I decided to watch a movie instead. Pumunta ako sa kitchen para kumuha ng snacks pero halos pagtawanan ko pa ang sarili ko nang hindi ko mabuksan ang pinto ng ref kung nasaan ang mga drinks so I had to call Felix for it.

Three rings and he answered it already.

“Yes, Shiloah? What is it?” he said on the other line.

“How do you open your fridge? Kanina pa ako sa harap nito but I can’t open it.”

Nagtaka ako kung bakit biglang tumahimik ang linya niya.

“Hello? Are you there, Felix?”

“Open your cam…”

“Why?”

“Just… open it,” utos niya and so I did.

Bumungad sa akin ang nagbuburyo niyang mukha. Nakapangalumbaba at tila tamad na tamad. His white background tells me that he was in the conference room. I furrowed my brows.

“Are you in a meeting?” I asked.

“In a little while…” napatingin siya sa kanyang harapan when a door creaked. I’m guessing someone came in.

“I’m sorry for calling… I’ll drop this now um… bye-”

“No, it’s okay. What was it you were asking?”

“But-”

“Go on, Shiloah…”

“Uh,” I bit my lower lip. “How do you open your fridge? I want to grab canned soda pero hindi ko alam kung paano buksan,” I said, almost whispering, afraid that someone might hear how heavy my problem was.

Imagine, Shiloah Mendez, twenty-five years old, has no idea on how to open a smart refrigerator. Nakakahiya pakinggan. I bet even a teenager of this generation will be able to in just a single glance. But in my defense, I am not updated on developed the technology is now. Heck I don’t even have a latest smart phone!

Tumaas ang gilid ng kanyang labi.

“You probably think I’m an idiot right now. And- do not even think about teasing me about it! I am just outdated and, thirsty. So can’t you just tell me quick?”

He chuckled and sit straight.

“You have to knock. When the lights inside were lit after you knock, you can open the door.”

“Okay. I got it goodbye.”

“I love-” but I ended the call right away.

Anong sinabi niya? Kakatok muna ako saka may iilaw sa loob tapos puwede ko ng buksan? What, is someone living inside? LOL.

Nag-aalinlangan man ay sinunod ko pa rin ang kanyang instruction and I was so amazed when light really turned on inside! Whoa! Ibang lebel na talaga ang teknolohiya ngayon. Napaisip tuloy ako kung gusto ko bang bumili nito ng akin. But, I am currently unemployed. I’m broke.

I went back to couch to continue the movie I was watching pero ang utak ko ay manghang-mangha pa rin sa smart fridge kaya bumalik ako roon sa kusina para muling kumatok. Binusan ko ito at hinalukay ang mga laman noon. But I find it boring dahil puno lang ito ng proteins and other veggies. Wala man lang junk foods dito aside sa soda and other semi-alcoholic beverages.. Pasalamat na lang ako at may nakita pa akong bag of chips sa isa sa mga kitchen cabinets niya.

Actually, nakakapagtaka lang. Bakit kaya ang mga masusustansyang pagkain, an pangt ng lasa? Pero ang mga madudumi at masama sa katawan ay sobrang sarap. Hindi ba nagtataka ang mga tao dahil doon?

I was wondering if Felix has ever tasted an isaw? I mean, others say it’s dirty because of the chicken poo. Little did they know, it’s what makes it tastier.

Basically, pinaglaruan ko ang fridge ni Felix pero kalaunan ay tinigil ko rin. Pumasok kasi sa isip ko ang bills niya. Hash tag concern.

Isasara ko na sana ito pero nakaisip ako ng idea. I scanned the ingredients once more and decided to watch a recipe for the dinner. So I stopped the movie I was watching and switched to a cooking tutorial by a famous chef. Hindi naman sa hindi ako marunog magluto but I just want to try something new.

Christasia Guerin. Her recipes are pretty much easy to follow pero hindi pa ako nakakapili so I scrolled more through her page. It turns out, she’s a Filipino chef based in Spain pala. And, she owns a restaurant here. Tinandaan ko ang kanyang pangalan pati na rin ng kanyang resto so if I have time, I would visit it.

I finally found a chicken and beans dish that include ingredients that are available now.

Since marami pa naman akong oras ay nagpasya akong i-set up and table.

I think it would be better if I’ll just turn this simple dinner into special one. It’s not like we can be like this every day.

I forgot to ask Felix about his password so I can’t leave and buy a candle. Kaya naman tinawagan ko ang utusan ko.

“What, have you two broken up already?” she said in a monotone.

“As if,” I rolled my eyes. “Where are you?”

“Where should I be? Of course, in the comfort of your own home because you were not and no one’s here obviously and you were not responding to any of my messages because I know for sure you were with your boyfriend and I was left alone so I decided to just stay here. What do you want?”

It took me a while to process everything she said. My jaw dropped when I realized that she’s in my home.

“What the hell? Ano’ng ginagawa mo diyan?!”

“Obviously, binisita kita kagabi! Thinking you were just somewhere else, naghintay ako rito pero walag Shiloah na dumating and as a good friend that you are, syempre hindi ka nagreply sa akin. Where were you anyway? Pati ngayon? Don’t tell me you eloped?”

Kung puwede ko lang sana siyang sipain ngayon ay ginawa ko na. She’s so talkative!

“I did not! But- I was really with him.”

“You’ll move in with him?”

“I might be. Whatever. I need your help, okay?”

“Ugh, ano ba kasi ‘yun? I’m really thinking right now tapos iniistorbo mo ako.”

“Ano namang iniisip mo e wala ka namang isip!”

“Like, hello! Spill the beans, sister.”

“Buy me a candle, yung nasa bottle ha and make sure it’s scented.”

Nagulat ako nang bila siyang humalakhak. Ano’ng nakakatawa sa sinabi ko? Tunog nagbibiro ba ako?

“My gosh! Hindi ko naisip na gagayumahin mo siya-”

Before she could even finish her sentence. I dropped the call. Walang kwenta ang pinagsasabi niya. Pero nisendan ko siya ng mensahe kung ano ang kailangan ko. Just to make sure she would buy the right one. I also included Felix’s address in the text message.

Nagwalis ako sa kitchen at kinuha ko ang mga upuang hindi gagamitin. Nilagay ko ito sa gilid at naghanap ng telang gagamitin para gawing mantel. Thankfully, nakahanap ako ng table cloth. It’s plain white pero pwede na rin.

Hindi nagtagal ay narinig kong tumunog ang intercom. Just to make sure it was Amanda, binuksan ko ang monitor. Nang nakumpirma ko ngang siya iyon ay binuksan ko na ang pinto.

“Here,” mataray niyang inabot sa akin ang plastic na naglalaman ng mga kailangan ko.

“Thank you. Do you want to come in?”

“No,” pinagkrus niya ang kanyang mga braso bago nilibot ng paningin ang loob. “It looks like you’re busy… over something.”

“I really am.”

Sumimangot siya. “Call me if something happened, alright?”

Tumango ako. As much as I want badly want her to stay for a while, wala na akong masyadong oras. Magluluto pa ako.

“Yes. Thank you…”

“Welcome,” aniya pero inirapan pa rin ako. “Aalis na ako. Mag-iingat ka, okay?”

I nodded like a puppy.

“Bye…”

I went back inside when Amanda reached the elevator. Dahil maayos na ang mesa, I-arrange ko na lang itong mga candles and then I would proceed to cooking. Kahit sinunod ko naman ang procedure ng pagluluto ni nung chef ay parang nagdududa pa rin ako sa ginawa ko. I was no familiar with the dish kaya ganoon, pero maayos naman ang lasa niya kaya I think tama naman ang ginawa ko.

Nangamba pa ako na mananatili ang usok sa loob until I discovered na may air ventilation naman pala.

When I was done, naghanap ako ng magandang plato at nilagay ang pagkain sa mesa. Tinitigan ko itong mabuti nang pakiramdam ko ay may kulang rito so I had to re-watch the video and skipped into the end. Garnish ang kulang. Quickly, I chopped the herb and sprinkled it into the chicken.

Nang natapos ko na ang lahat ay binalingan ko na ang relo at nakitang it’s nearly seven PM. Nagmamadali akong umakyat sa taas para makaligo. Una ko munang hinalungkat ang gamit ko para tingnan kung may maayos ba akong damit na magma-match sa ambiance but unfortunately, I only have a maong shorts and a blouse as a decent clothes to wear in a “candle-light dinner.” Gusto ko pa man din sana ng dress pero naalala kong wala pala ako sa sarili kong bahay kaya hindi ako makakapag-inarte sa damit.

“Okay na ‘to,” sabi ko sarili ko nang natapos mabihis.

My hair is still wet pero wala akong choice. Walang hair dryer si Felix dito. Thankfully, may dala naman akong ibang mga essentials ko kagaya ng perfume and make-ups kaya kahit paano ay maayos akong tignan. Bumaba na ako at sinindihan muna ang mga kandila bago pinatay ang mga ilaw.

“This is so nice.”

I took my phone out and captured the whole place. Maganda naman sa paningin ko. I think, kaya ko na magtayo ng sariling catering service.

I was about to take a sit but heard beeping outside the door. I clasped my hands behind my back and stood straight when the door opened immediately.

My heart raced when through the candle’s light, I saw Felix’s face and suddenly, I don’t know what to do anymore.

"Hi?" alanganin kong bati because seriously, my heart is pounding like crazy! Ayos naman ako kanina, a.

Tongue-tied, he moved closer to me. I was about to speak again but his lips sealed mine. It was a prolonged peck. Nice and sweet. For a moment, I forgot what I prepared.

I slightly pushed him away. Hinawakan ko mga kamay niya.

"I... Let's eat?" I smiled.

Nanatili siyang tahimik kaya unti-unting naglaho ang ngiti ko.

"You don't... like it?"

Umiling siya dahilan kung bakit nabitawan ko ang kanyang mga kamay kasabay ng pagbagsak ng paningin ko sa sahig. Nag-init rin ang sulok ng aking mga mata.

"S-Sorry. Hindi-"

"Because I love it..."

Umangat ang paningin ko sa kanya. His eyes flickered as the candles did. Mahina kong hinampas ang dibdib niya.

"You scared me! Akala ko nasayang ang lahat ng effort ko dito!"

He smiled faintly. He placed his hand at the back of my waist and pulled me to him.

"Thank you for this," he kissed my cheek.

I made a pathway using the candles that led us to the inside of the kitchen where I set up the table and where there were more candles lit on.

"I should have blindfolded you," I said as he pulled a chair for me.

Felix chuckled as an answer. Imbes na umupo ay pumunta pa siya sa isang banda sa kitchen. Pinanood ko siyang may binuksan siyang kung anu-ano doon at pagbalik niya ay may dala na siyang wine at wine glass. He opened it and poured me a drink.

"Why came into you that you made this for me?" tanong niya.

Kinuha ko ang baso at tinikman ang laman nu'n. Palagay ko ay zero alcohol ito dahil mas lamang ang tamis nito kaysa pait.

"Nothing. I just wanted to make this dinner special. Isa pa, men should be surprised like this, too. Don't you think?"

"Really?" he started slicing the meat in front of him. "How do you say so?"

Nang natapos niya iyong hiwain ay kinuha niya ang plato ko at nilagay sa harap ko ang kanya. I smiled.

"Thanks... Well, relationship is composed of two person. And I believe, it should give and take. Balance lang, ganoon. Since you treated me to a nice meal yesterday. I wanted to give you something, too."

Tinitigan niya akong mabuti, amused.

"If I had been a good guy before, we could have been together early."

"Why does it sound like you already like me before?” I softly chuckled and took a sip from my glass once more.

“I do.”

I almost choked to his sudden confession. Sa nanginginig na kamay ay nilapag ko ang wine glass. Felix really is unpredictable. Minsan ay kung anu-ano na lang ang mga hindi inaasahang bagay ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.

Malakas man ang kabog ng puso ay ngumiti ako. He has that effect on me.

“You’re kidding.”

Pinagtaasan niya ako ng kilay. “Unfortunately, I’m not.”

Something’s churning inside me.

“I’m starting to think we should make this regularly.” His reaction asks me why. “Because you only speak things like that when we were on an ambiance like this.”

Grinning, he shook his head and motioned me to eat.

“You cooked these,” aniya sa hindi nagtatanong na tono.

Of course, I did it. Alangan naman na pina-deliver ko pa iyon hindi ba?

“Let the master of the house judge my food,” sagot ko.

Gamit ang tinidor ay tinusok niya ang isang piraso ng manok na kanyang hiniwa.

“I honestly thought you could only do simple dishes like adobo,” pang-aasar niya.

I rolled my eyes at him.

“Very funny.”

He took a bite and chewed it slowly.

I raised my eyebrows at him and moved closer a bit to see his reaction. Tahimik niyang binaba ang tinidor aka pinagsiklop ang mga kamay at pumikit pa na talaga na para siyang isang judge sa isang reality cooking show.

“How was it…?”

Dumilat siya at saka tumango.

“Is this how it is supposed to taste?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. I am confident I followed the recipe and used the exact amount of ingredients and spices.

“Is it bad?” nabibigo kong tanong.

“No. It was tasty,” he grinned.

Binuga ko ang hanging kanina ko pa pinipigilan. He has been teasing all day! Pinulot ko ang table cloth sa harap ko at saka tinapon ito sa kanyang mukha. Natatawa niya namang binalik ito sa harap ko.

“Sorry. You’re cute when annoyed,” he said, chuckling.

“Cute is a word applied only for pets,” sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

It was one of my happiest nights. A moment to remember. Kaya naman kahit ayaw niya ay kumuha ako ng madaming litrato naming dalawa. We exchanged laughter over our dinner and I can say that it was a romantic night.

As I was viewing the photos I took, I realized he’s camera-shy. He does not smile widely and even show half of his face only.

“Can I post these?” paalam ko sa kanya at pinakita ang picture na gusto kong i-post.

Marahan siyang tumango at pinunasan ang kanyang buhok gamit ang tuwalya. We are both inside his room. Kagagaling niya lang sa banyo habang ako ay komportable na ang pagkakahiga sa kanyang kama. Akala ko nga ay sa kabilang kwarto na naman siya papasok pero parehong gulat at tuwa ang naramdaman ko nang sinabi niyang magtatabi kami.

Joyfully, I uploaded the pictures of the table, the lit candles, and him across me with his lazy stare and chin in the palm of his hand.

I put an emoji of wine and moon as a caption.

“You told me you’ll make an account, right? Ano’ng username mo para ma-follow kita?”

Umupo siya sa tabi ko saka kinuha ang kanyang cellphone sa side table. Imbes na sagutin ang tanong ko ay iniabot niya sa akin ito.

“Here.”

Nagtataka man ay kinuha ko ito mula sa kanya pero nang pinindot ko ito ay kailangan pa ng password.

“You enter the password,” binalik ko sa kanya ang cellphone pero hindi niya ito kinuha sa akin.

“19 8 25.”

Nag-aalinlangan man ay pinindot ko pa rin ang mga numerong binanggit niya and then it opened.

I was surprised when I saw his wallpaper. Naaalala ko ito. It was my photo he captured when we were on my home. In front of the campfire. Nang binalingan ko siya ay nakatitig na pala siya sa akin.

I cleared my throat para takpan ang hiyang aking nararamdaman.

I scrolled through his phone and I was more surprised when I saw the numbers of missed calls and unread messages. Kuryoso man ay hindi ko ito binuksan. It was his phone after all and messages should be private.

I was about to click the social media application but as if on cue, his phone rang. Napanguso ako nang nakita ko ang pangalan ni Coraline. Ibibigay ko na sana ang cellphone niya pero pinindot niya ang ignore button.

Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya.

“You should have answered it. Maybe she needs you.”

“I am not the help she needed.”

Kinagat ko ibabang labi ko umayos ng upo.

“How is she?” tanong ko dahil syempre kahit paano ay concern ako sa kalagayan niya.

Looking back at the words I threw at her on that coffee shop, I do not regret it. I might sound selfish but I was in pain and jealous. And just because she has an illness doesn’t mean I should invalidate my feelings.

“I don’t know. The last time talked to her was when I told you I’m going home. I was in a great dilemma,” ramdam ko ang hirap sa boses niya. “But I chose you and will be choosing you, Shy. Always and in all ways.”

My heart sank. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang pinakamahalagang bagay sa buhay niya. Treating someone precious is good but being treated, being accustomed to the heart-fluttering feeling, could sometimes be a dangerous game.

Because you held on to the words and you were comforted that a certain person would always be with you and life is not always like that.

“This book is nice,” tiniklop ko ang librong binabasa, isang umaga habang naghahanda siya papuntang trabaho.

I was reading a book by a famous author, Bia Candaza. It was about her life, about how her one decision broke her sister’s heart and, how she realized her dream.

“How she became a writer is quite interesting. I’m jealous. I’m unemployed and I don’t know what to do with my life right now,” I sighed. “I am actually considering the idea of helping my parents’ business. Do you think I can do it?”

He’s fixing his tie in front of the mirror. Nakita kong nahihirapan siya kaya hindi ako nakatiis at tinulungan siya.

“You can do whatever you want in life, Shiloah.”

“You think it’s okay? Kaunti lang ang background ko doon and I was doubting if I can do it. Mahina kasi ang bentahan ng lokal na produkto ngayon dahil nag-aangkat na kasi sa ibang bansa. My dad, kahit hindi niya sabihin ay alam kong problema and since wala naman akong trabaho, I wanted to give it a try. ‘Yun nga lang, nagdududa ako. Baka kasi imbes na makatulong ay maging dagdag problema lang ako.”

Hinapit niya ang bewang ko. We’re so close to each other now.

“You could always try things and learn about it at the same time. Good things take time,” aniya at hinalikan ang noo ko. “See you later?”

Tumango ako. Isang beses niya pa akong niyakap bago bumaba. I opened the door for him and watch him walk to the elevator. Kumakaway-kaway pa ako sa kanya habang pasara an pinto nu’n. Nang nawala siya sa paningin ko ay saka ako pumasok.

Napaisip ko sa sinabi ni Felix. May punto siya. Wala nga namang bagay ang hindi natutunan. Umupo ako sa sofa para sana makapag-isip nang narinig ko ang pamilyar na ringtone ng cellphone ni Felix.

Nangunot ang noo ko at bumalik sa taas para hanapin ito. He forgot his phone. Katabi ng kanyang cellphone ay ang kanyang key card ng bahay. Pareho ko itong kinuha para kung sakaling bumalik siya rito, iaaabot ko na lang sa kanya.

I saw Coraline’s name flashed to the screen. Bumuntong-hininga ako at hinayaan ko lamang itong magring sa kamay ko habang tinatahak ang hagdan pabalik sa living room.

Makailang beses pa itong tumunog at nagsisimula na akong maingayan. Matagal kong tinitigan ang kanyang pangalan, nag-iisip kung sasagutin ko ito o hindi.

I was about to click the answer button when the door intercom rang.

Kinuha ko ang key card at binuksan ang pinto habang patuloy na nagriring ang cellphone ni Felix.

“Nakalimutan mo pati yung cellphone… mo…” my voice faded when instead of Felix, Coraline was the one standing in front of the door, while her phone is on her ear.