THE PLAY PRETEND

Sick

I decided to sleep on Felix’s bed last night. I just wanted to smell his scent. Noong una ay balak ko lang mahiga but after a while, hindi ko namalayan ang sarili kong nakatulog na pala ako.

Madaling-araw na nang maalimpungatan ako dahil sa isang mainit na braso na yumakap sa akin. It was Felix.

“I’m sorry,” sabi ko. Babangon na sana ako para lumipat sa kabilang kama pero tahimik niya akong niyakap ng mahigpit. He's not wearing a shirt kaya mas ramdam ko ang init ng katawan niya sa likod ko.

The whole time, hindi siya nagsasalita. Nang humarap ako sa kanya ay pikit ang kanyang mga mata. He also reeks of alcohol.

I smiled when I realized he must be drunk.

Hinawi ko ang buhok na tumatakip sa kanyang noo. His hair is smooth. Bagay na bagay talaga sa kanya ang mullet haircut. If he had ear piercings like Joshua have earlier, he would pull off the bad boy look.

I kissed him, even when he’s asleep. Niyakap ko rin siya ng mahigpit at muling pumikit.

“Anong oras kayong aalis, Felix?” his father asked during brunch.

Late na kaming pareho nagising. Gusto pa sana ni Felix matulog pa dahil aniya’y masakit ang ulo niya but I told him his family’s waiting for him. Kaya walang siyang choice kung hindi bumangon.

Sa parihabang mesa ay katabi ko si Felix na katabi ni Coraline. Sa harapan ko ay si Farah na katabi si Kaden sa kanan na katabi ang mga magulang nito. Sa kabisera ay ang ama ni Felix katabi ang kanyang ina at ang ina ni Coraline.

“I am not sure. Depende kung anong oras gugustuhin ni Shiloah,” nababagot niyang sagot.

Nakapangalumbaba siya at pinaglalaruan niya ang pagkain’g nasa harap niya. Sa ilalim ng mesa ay marahan kong sinipa ang tuhod niya para sawayin siya.

One look and he knows it’s me. Umayos naman siya.

“Why don’t you try the activities offered by this resort, son?” his mom asked. “Together with your sister and Kaden as well since hindi pa rin nila natatry iyon since we got here.”

Kibit-balikat ang isinagot ni Felix. “Do you want to go?” baling niyang tanong sa akin.

“Ahh,” his mother laughed nervously. Nilingon namin siya. “What about you go with Coraline instead of Shiloah, anak?”

Blangko ang reaksyon ni Felix sa sinabi ng ina.

“I mean, kadarating lang ng kababata mo, Felix. And, ever since she came back, you never accepted her invitation. You always refuse to go with her when you were in Manila. You two needs to catch up, don’t you think?”

Catch up? For what?

“Isa pa, I think Shiloah won’t be jealous if you go with Coraline today. It’s just a short period of time anyway. Hindi ba, hija?” baling niya sa akin. “Also, let Shiloah be with me! Ayaw mo ba’ng magbonding kami ng…” tumikhim siya “girlfriend mo?”

I can clearly see Farah raised an eyebrow with her mom’s remark.

Also, I don’t mean to think ill of their mom but, she’s acting weird.

“But Shiloah also haven’t tried those activities, mom,” he said.

“Yes but she can in some other time. For now, be with Coraline. You were childhood friends who were separated for a very looong time.”

“Oo nga naman, Felix, hijo,” Coraline’s mom agreed “My daughter has been away from you for so many years and there’s not a single time she had not thought of you. Especially that cannot be contacted because you were upset that she left.”

“Mommy…” nahihiyang saway ni Coraline.

“Excuse me, tita, but I think it’s irrelevant to talk about that,” singit ni Farah.

“But Farah, it was the truth--”

“I know, tita but it WAS in the past. Was, the past tense of is, ibig sabihin tapos na. Right?” nangingiting sagot niya but I can tell that she’s not happy about it.

“Farah,” makahulugang tawag ng ama niya sa kanya.

Coraline’s mom went silent. In fact, everyone of us did and none dared to speak anymore.

“Why don’t we just ask Shiloah, herself? What do you think, hija?”

Nabigla ako. Hindi ko inaasahan ito.

“Umm… If it is okay with Felix po, then why not?”

Nilingon ko si Felix. Pinagtaasan niya ako ng kilay. Nangunot ang kanyang noo nang bumaba ang paningin niya sa braso ko.

“What’s this?” tanong niya.

I traced what he was looking. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang nakita ko ang namumulang kalmot doon.

“Uh,” tumikhim ako at saka pasimpleng binigyan ng makahulugang tingin si Coraline na ngayon ay nakatitig na rin sa akin. “Nothing. Kinamot ko lang pero m-medyo matulis kasi yung kuko kaya nakalmot ko.”

Nilapit niya ang upuan niya sa akin.

“Patingin ng kuko mo…”

“H-huh? Bakit?”

Imbes na sagutin ay kinuha niya ang kamay ko at tinitigan iyon.

“Your nails are not that long. Kaya saan mo ito nakuha, Shiloah?”

Binalingan ko ang mga kasamahan namin na ngayon ay mas lalong tumahimik habang pinapanood kaming dalawa lalong-lalo na si Coraline na ngayon ay hindi pinapahalata ang nababakas na takot sa kanyang mukha.

“Nothing,” I almost whispered.

Mariin niya akong tinitigan bago huminga ng malalim.

Tinapos naming lahat ang salu-salong iyon ng tahimik that even when Felix and I went back to our room, only the the sound of our footsteps can be heard.

He then joined me in the couch when I sat down.

“Dapat siguro pinagbigyan mo yung mommy mo…” halos pabulong kong sabi. Nilingon niya ako pero nanatili siyang tahimik. “I think I’ll be okay staying here.”

Of course it’s not. He told me we’ll try the activities together today. His mom makes no sense at all. Bakit naman niya sasabihin na dapat maiwan ako dito kasama niya para maka-catch up yung ‘dating’ magkaibigan, e ako ’yung girlfriend? But still, as she is the mother of the person I am in relationship with, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

“I won’t be okay. What kind of boyfriend am I to leave my girlfriend for another woman.”

My heart fluttered. When he’s being like this, I often forget he’s a real jerk before. Tipid ko siyang nginitian at hinawakan ko ang kamay niya.

“It’s okay. You can go with her today. Hmm… I actually want to have vacation with you overseas. What do you think?”

“Really?”

I nodded like a puppy. “Yes.” Inakbayan niya ako.

“Where do you wanna go?”

“There’s this television series I really liked. They’re in Paris and I haven’t been there. So I’ve been thinking we could go on holiday?”

I looked up at him and saw joy in his eyes.

Felix and I stayed in the couch a little longer about our future plans. I told him places I wanted to visit as well as the vacation I ad set for me and my parents. He just sat there with me silently. He’s so silent I was not sure if he was listening or not.

Nang kinatok kami ng mommy niya sa kwarto ay sumama na kami sa kanya sa baba. Felix was still hesitant to go snorkeling and island hopping without me but I told him countless times that I will be alright.

I am actually scared because one, his mom is still a stranger to me, and two, I am afraid of what she might say once Felix and everyone leaves. Tulad na lang ngayon. Malakas ang t***k ng puso ko habang tinatahan ang daan papuntang pool area.

My plan was to stay in the room the whole time Felix is out. Wala naman akong gagawin sa baba at isa pa, wala akong balak na makipagplastikan sa ina niya. I was not raised by my mother like that. Kung ayaw sa akin ng tao, bakit ko ipipilit ang sarili ko. It’s just not worth the energy.

Balak ko ay matutulog o kukuha ng mga litarto sa balcony pero hindi nagtagal ay kinatok ako ng staff. Ang sabi ay pinapatawag daw ako sa baba. Who else would call me, right? Kaya habang palapit ako ng palapit sa kanya ay palakas rin ng palakas ang t***k ng puso ko.

She’s on her usual dress, one I always see worn by rich donyas. With a large wayfarers and a large beach hat, she’s enjoying her buko juice under the sun lounger.

My shadow reached her kaya nang nakalapit ako sa kanya ay nilingon niya ako.

“You can take the other sun lounger,” she said. Tahimik ko siyang sinunod. Tumawag sya ng isang staff at inutusan itong kuhaan ako ng isa pang buko juice.

Minutes passed by but she was just silent, makes me wonder kung ano ba talaga ang sadya niya sa akin.

I leaned my back on the back rest of the sun lounger and took a sip on my juice when she finally spoke.

“Did you tell Felix to come with Coraline?”

Binaba ko ang juice na hawak ko bago ko siya nasagot.

“Uh, yes po.”

Marahan siyang tumango. “Thank you and… sorry.”

My eyes went wide with what she said. Kagabi lang pinapasiringan niya but now she’s saying she’s… sorry?

“Thank you for allowing him and sorry because you had to do it.” I didn’t answered her because I felt like she was about to say more and I was right because she started talking about her relationship with Coraline. “You know, Ailene, Coraline’s mom, and I were best friends. I am very grateful with the friendship we have because when our company was sinking, she and her late husband were never afraid to help us save Felix and Farah’s future. As we are best friends, naturally we were always together that I can almost call her my own sister. She loved my kids like her own and so I also gave Coraline the love her mom gave to my children,” ngumiti siya na para bang inaalala niya ang kanyang kahapon.

“The three of them grew up together. But I was not expecting the different bond between Coraline and my son. Nung una siyempre inakala naming lahat na larong-bata lang. But when Felix became teenager, he was very vocal about his desire of building a family with Coraline.”

It’s just a story of the past, I convinced myself pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan hindi makaramdam ng kirot. Siguro dahil ang narinig ko mula kay Felix noong kinuwento niya sa akin ito nang nasa elevator kami ay hindi buo. Now, her mom’s telling me the details and I can’t help but to feel this stings in my heart.

“Unfortunately, Coraline had to go to New York for her studies. Obviously, Felix was against it as he knows that he can’t leave his responsibilities here just to be with Coraline. I saw how my son drastically changed from a warm person to being a cold one,” huminga siya ng malalim “As a mother, nasaktan ako sa pagbabagong nangyari sa anak ko. Dahil pati ang relasyon niya sa aming pamilya ay nagbago. That’s why he’s in Manila working in a publishing company and not on the firm we own. I never got the chance to ask him about it though, because I was afraid I will re-open his forgotten wound.”

Hinarap niya ako. “I will be honest to you, hija, as I can feel that you are a kind person. Sa totoo lang, I was asked by Aileen to set up Coraline and Felix again. At first, of course, na-alinlangan ako dahil alam kong wala akong karapatan na pangunahan ang anak ko kahit sabihin nanay niya ako. But I cannot disappoint the request of the woman and her child.”

Everything was overwhelming. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko o kung kailangan ba niya ng sagot ko. All I know is that, it’s too much information.

At least now, I am calm knowing that she does not necessarily dislike me, it’s just that she’s nailed with the love she have towards Coraline and her mom. I am also grateful that she’s honest about her stand on this. Kaya lang hindi ko pa rin maiwasang tanungin ang sarili ko kung tama ba ang ginagawa niya dahil kahit saang anggulo ko tingnan ang napaka-unfair pa rin nito para kay Felix at sa akin.

Buong oras na nasa kwarto ako, hinihintay ang pagbalik ni Felix ay iyon lang ang iniisip ko na hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako. Naising na lang ako dahil sa isang halik sa aking noo.

“Good evening,” salubong ni Felix nang idinilat ko ang mga mata ko. I smiled when he pressed his lips into mine.

“Kanina ka pa?” tanong ko habang dahan-dahang bumangon.

“Kadarating lang. Did you have dinner?” Umiling ako. “Okay. Kumain na tayo. Magbibihis lang ako,” paalam niya.

Nakaligo na siya’t nakabihis nang binalikan niya ako sa kama. Mabilis ko ring inayos ang sarili ko at sabay kaming bumaba para pumunta sa resto ng resort kung saan naghihintay ang pamilya niya.

Pagdating naming doon ay nakita ko ang malawak na ngiti sa mga labi ni Coraline habang nagkukwento sa kung ano ang ginawa nila kanina.

“I enjoyed the whole activity, tita! Ang daming isda doon sa lugar kung saan kami nagsnorkeling kanina.”

“Of course, Coraline. Bakit ka naman hindi ma-I-enjoy e todo kapit ka sa kapatid ko,” nakangising sumbat ni Farah sa kanya na hindi niya pinansin. Tumaas an kilay ko sa narinig.

“That’s good, hija. Ano pa bang ginawa ninyo?” tanong naman ng mommy ni Farah.

The food was served pero patuloy pa rin sa pagtalak si Coraline. Siguro nga’y masaya talaga siya ngayong araw, ah?

“Well, we tried island hopping. Sayang nga lang at isang isla lang ang napuntaha namin dahil kulang kami sa oras. Pero I’m thinking if I could go back here, mommy?” she asked. Her mom smiled sweetly at her before nodding her head. “Yikes! Honestly, I was scared kanina doon sa bangka dahil mahangin at malalaki ang alon but thanks God that Felix was with me,” she chuckled. “Also, I’m starting to love the beauty underwater. Naisip ko tuloy, gusto kong mag-aral ng diving. Kaya lang natatakot ako. Do you think you can accompany me, Felix?” tanong niya sa umaasang tono.

I stopped eating when I heard her. Sa harapan ko pa talaga? Hindi ba niya pwedeng itanong iyon mamaya kapag nakatalikod ako? Sinasadya niya ba talaga?

From my peripheral vision, I saw Felix shook his head. “I’m busy, Cora. You know it.”

Bumagsak ang ngiti niya. Nakita ko ang ginawang paghawak ng mommy niya sa kanyang kamay.

“Come on, Felix. Maybe you can join my daughter during, let’s say weekends?”

Binaba ni Felix ang kubyertos na hawak ang diretsong tinitigan ang babae sa mata.

“I already said no, tita. I have a tight schedule.”

Felix, my son, siguro naman pwedeng isingit sa schedule mo kahit one hour lang-"

"Mommy," saway ni Farah sa ina.

"Okay, Felix. We understand. Maybe you two can have it on some other time, I guess? But, hijo, we will be expecting you to come on Coraline's welcome party which will be happening soon."

"I'm excited about that Coraline, Aileen!" Farah's mom said excitedly. "Anyway, rinig ko'y sa Manila ka muna mag-s-stay? Bakit?"

Nahihiya namang tumawa si Coraline. "Y-you know why I'm here, tita..."

Natatawang bumuga ng malakas na hangin si Farah. Pinapakalma naman siya ng kanyang asawa through patting her back. But it seems like Farah's not having any of this.

"Hold up there, Coraline! You know what, I've been meaning to ask you this since you've been back, anong sadya mo? Bakit ka bumalik? After all the tears my brother wasted on you, babalik ka ngayong may nagpapatibok na pa lang iba sa puso niya?"

Nanlaki ang mata ni Coraline. "W-what are you saying, Farah... Hindi ko alam na may girlfriend na si Felix. I saw Shiloah when I went to see him in his office and they appear to me as they're colleagues so how can I know if he was in a relationship?! Also, Shiloah was with another man everytime we see each other kaya bakit ka nagagalit?"

I can't blame Coraline. Totoo naman ang sinabi niya. Walang namamagitan sa amin ni Felix sa mga panahong iyon because we were busy boosting our egos.

"How about now? Hindi mo pa rin ba alam? Gaano ka kapal ang mukha mo para umarteng ganyan gayong nasa harapa mo mismo ang girlfriend?"

Nalaglag ang panga ni Coraline.

"Farah!" sigaw ng mommy niya sa kanya.

"What, mommy? Totoo naman ang sinasabi ko! I can't even believe you're tolerating this." Nangunot ang noo ko nang nagsimula siyang tumawa. "Oo nga pala. She's your best friend's daughter kaya hinahayaan mo lang 'di ba?"

"Hindi kita pinalaking bastos, Farah!"

"Kaya nga, e! Hindi mo ako pinalaking bastos pero hinahayaan mo lang ang mga 'yan na maging bastusin ang taong hindi naman nila kaano-ano!" sigaw niya pabalik.

"Farah!" her father's voice boomed in the room.

But her father was still wasn't enough to silent her.

Nakakahiya dahil agaw-eksena ang ginagawa namin dito. Mabuti na lang at walang ibang kumakain sa loob ng restong ito kundi kami lang. May iilan lang staff na palihim na bumubulong sa isa't-isa at nakikiusyuso.

Hindi ako makapaniwala na nagkakagulo kami rito pero maa hindi ako makapaniwalang hinahayaan lang ni Feliz ang lahat ng ito?

He's expressionless at hindi ko matimbang kung ano ang iniisio niya.

"Daddy! We all saw kuya changed to what he is now. Sa. Pag-alis ni Coraline ay hindi lang si kuya ang nasaktan dahil pati tayo, daddy! Nasaktan tayo nang nasaktan ang kuya!"

"Farah..." Felix finally called her. Ngunit matigas ang kapatid niya.

"No, kuya! This has to be over!"

"Stop it, anak. This is not ours to meddle with. This is on your brother. Hindi dapat tayo nangingialam-"

"Yes, dad. You're right. Hindi dapat tayo nangingialam pero ano kayang tawag mo sa ginagawa ni mommy at tita Aileen?" Tumaas ang kilay ni Aileen sa kanya. "Mommy... tingin mo ba hindi ko alam kung bakit mo pinaiwan dito si Shiloah? It's because you wanted Coraline have time with kuya, right? You wanted to stitch their already ruined relationship. Also, ikaw, tita Aileen? Akala mo ba hindi ko alam ang ginawa mong paki-usap kay mommy na muling paglapitin ang anak mo at ang kuya-"

"I just want my daughter to be happy, Farah. I hope you understand."

"No, tita. You want you daughter to be happy while breaking someone's heart. Ganoon ba? Okay lang may masaktan basta masaya ang anak mo?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya.

Nagulat ako nang nanginig ang labi ni Aileen at nagsiulang mangilid ang kanyang nga luha.

"Yes. I am willing to go that far if it means that my daughter will live a little longer."

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa narinig. What does she mean by that?

"What..."

"Yes... You heard me right. My daughter," nilingon niya ang anak na kanina pa nakayuko "Coraline is sick. She was diagnosed with a stomach cancer. Hindi niyo ba napapansin ang pagpayat niya? Kung bakit may mga oras na matamlay siya? Kung bakit kaunti lang ang kinakain niya? Kung ako ang tatanungin hindi ko naman gagawin 'to kung gagaling ang anak ko, e. Unfortunately, the doctors said they can do nothing about her condition and..." she smiled bitterly. "She told me she wanted to be back here and be with Felix while she can. Kaya ngayon, Felix, Farah, masisisi niyo ba ako kung gusto ko lang naman maging masaya ang anak ko habang narito pa siya?"