TRYST (COMPLETE UNREVISED VERSION)

Four

Leila Presley

"Hija, kahit nasa tamang edad ka na, para sakin, ikaw pa din yung sanggol na hindi kami pinapatulog ng tatay mo hanggang madaling araw dahil lagi mong gusto na kinakarga ka. Kaya naman tuwang tuwa kami ng Papa mo dahil habang lumalaki ka, sulit yung pagpupuyat namin noon, sainyo kasing magkakapatid, ikaw ang pinaka behave, pinaka masunurin at hindi abusado--nakita mo naman kung gaano mag tantrums si Luther diba? At itong kuya mo..nako kung alam mo lang, kaya yan maagang pinasabak sa kumpanya ng papa mo, eh dahil muntik ng magtanan, at sa lahat pa ng pipiliing itakas na kotse eh yung owner type jeep pa." Natatawang kwento ni mama.

Pinamulahan naman si kuya sa narinig.

Infairness, ngayon ko lang narinig si mama na medyo serious. 

Tumawa na din si papa.

"Oo nga, medyo takot kasi tong si Felix dati, kung yung hummer sana pinili niya at nagdala man lang ng cash galing sa personal safe ko sa office, na impress pa sana ako. Kaso mahina pa eh, kaya hindi man lang ako nahirapan na pilitin siyang mag handle ng kumpanya. Mabuti na lang nabago yung perpective niya, oh ngayon ang daming takot diyan dahil tuso pagdating sa business, minsan nga hinihintay kong makipag tanan ulit, pero hindi naman niya ginagawa pa. Gusto ko pa naman ng apo."

My eccentric parents, once again.

"Papa, pinapahiya mo naman ako kay Leila."

"Oh my, kuya, kung alam ko lang..see? Ang dami kong na miss na bagay!"

"Pero hija, pwede ka naman sigurong bumisita sa Cebu?"

"Ma, oo naman po, pag alam kong malakas na ang pundasyon ko."

"Mabuti naman. At lagi kaming bibisita dito sa Maynila para makita ka." Si papa.

"Opo pa..pero for now, give me atleast half a year to stand on my own--I know nag awol na ako ng 6 months at ngayon lang ako nakipag kita sainyo. Alam ko din ang selfish ng desisyon kong iyon at ito,, but I really need this."

"We understand hija."

Oo nga pala,6 months na after that horrible day.

And I could recall every single detail that led me to finally accept what happened.

-------

***6 months ago

Month 1: Denial

"Have you ever had your heart broken Jules?" I asked out of the blue.

Andito kami ngayon sa kitchen table at magkaharap na nakaupo habang tumutugtog yung 'The boy with the Arab strap'.

I am actually beggining to like her music playlist.

Busy si Jules maghimay ng malunggay leaves na padala ng parents niya, magluluto daw siya ng 'kinunot'. It's a Bicolano dish na may pagi,gata at siling labuyo. Tinutulungan ko siyang mag slice ng sibuyas at sili.

Saglit siyang tumigil sa ginagawa at tiningnan akong naka kunot ang noo na para bang ang lalim ng iniisip.

"I guess? Pero hindi heartbreak sa jowa." Again, she just shrugged.

Jules puzzles me sometimes, hindi naman siya yung tipo na hinidi palasalita, hindi rin siya yung sobrang daldal. Mahirap siya I gauge minsan kasi neutral lang ang reactions niya kaya hindi ako nag pupush ng ibang questions lalo na pag simpleng yes and no lang ang sagot niya.

Two weeks na din ako dito sa condo niya and this is the first Sunday na medyo okay lang ang pakiramdam ko, pero for sure mamaya kung ano ano nanaman ang maiisip ko.

My emotions right now are both frozen and thawed.

I was so disgusted with him that I didn't even tried reaching out to anyone, not even my family.

Opening my phone or even getting my things was the least of my priorities right now, and si Jules lang ang nasasandalan ko ngayon.

"San mo pala natutunan yang pagluluto mo?" I changed the subject.

Umaliwalas yung mga mata niya, at ngumiti.

Woah

2-That's how rare Jules' smile is

So on average, once a week lang siya ngumigiti.

Hmm.

"I was never fond of going out especially when I started my highschool years. Mas prefered ko lang sa bahay, watch a movie with my brother and help mom cook. Siya ang nagturo sakin." She sighed and frowned.

I was waiting for her to continue pero ganun lang katipid yung kwento niya.

"You must really miss your mom then."

"I do. A lot actually. Ikaw?" I smiled upon the fact na nakipag engage siya sakin ngayon sa conversation ng ganito katagal.

"Hmmnn yeah, I miss her..I told you my parents were eccentric right?"

Tumango siya at hinintay ang sasabihin ko.

"Well, growing up, I used to think that they don't care enough for me. I was always the middle child, they were not that worried, not that strict and not that concerned. May mga times din na I thought they despise me." I laughed wryly.

"Your parents love you Leslie. They care about you a lot kahit hindi man nila sabihin. Maybe they just trust you enough to let you be."

Napatigil ako sa pag slice dahil sapul yung pagkakasabi niya.

"Damn, you should be my therapist." I decided.

"Sure, resetahan kita ng gin bilog once a day, for a week." She smirked and rolled her eyes and continued what she's doing.

"How are you holding up anyway?"

How am I holding up anyway?

Her question echoed in my head like a raging migrane.

"I'm..not okay. Hindi ko alam kung ano tong ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. The last 10 years was a f*****g joke." Okay, so I curse now, regularly.

"More liquor later then? Again, sorry, hindi kita masasamahan mag clubbing to dance the frustration off, if that's your thing."

"Are you kidding me? The last thing I want right now is a possibilty of seeing that asshole's face again pag lumabas ako. Hindi ko nga alam kung saan ako kumukuha ng guts para magtrabaho. How I managed to land a client this week is a mystery."

"Magaling ka kasi, I heard you a couple of days ago while you were rehearsing your pitch. You are brilliant at what you do. Once you're in the zone, even your greatest fears won't let you falter."

"Alam mo bagay na bagay ka sa ego ko. That's it, be my therapist. Dr. Jules Sandoval."

"Funny Leslie. Look how hard I am laughing right now. HAHA." ofcourse, her statement was laced with sarcasm.

"But seriously, how come you never went back to your condo to get your things? Pwede naman kita samahan. I even had this idea of thrashing his w***e's den."

Nasamid ako dun sa last na sinabi niya.

Jules is really something, and I like how she could get really blunt at times.

Tiningnan niya lang ako at tinaasan ng kilay.

I breathed hard before responding.

"Honestly Jules? I am still in shock, aaminin ko, hindi pa din ako makapaniwala na kaya niya yun gawin sakin. I mean ten f*****g years.." Binaba ko yung kutsilyo at hinilot ang sintido ko.

"I was still a child when we got together for pete's sake. Hindi niya man lang naisip yun? Nag shift agad ang preferences ko according to his, and I was not even aware that he was changing me a lot. I didn't even think of making friends with other people my age dahil sa kanya lang umikot ang mundo ko!

I was hormonal and at the verge of acting out because I felt like my parents resented me, and he was there all the time! He was too good to me that I forgot every sentiments I had for my family. Bakit pa siya naging mabait sakin?

He made me live inside this bubble that I strongly thought wouldn't burst.

But it did! And he was the last person I would think of who will push the needle to prick it!

Ayoko pa bumalik don, kasi maaalala ko siya pag nakita ko yung sala, kung paano kami mag cuddle at nakabalot kami ng comforter habang nanonood ng mga pelikula ni Jason Statham.

Ayoko makita ang kusina dahil maaalala ko yung mga oras na pinag hahain ko siya ng pagkain habang nakangiti siya saaking naghihintay.

Ayoko madaanan yung mga pader dahil makikita ko doon yung mga picture namin na nakadikit magsimula nung mga bata pa kami hanggang sa nagtatrabaho na.

At lalo na sa lahat, ayokong makita yung higaan kung saan dati kami tabing nakahiga, habang kinakamot niya yung buhok ko hanggang sa makatulog na ako--dahil putang ina, paulit ulit na mababahiran yun nung oras na nakita ko siya at ang babaeng yun na parang mga asong binababoy ang lugar na pinuno namin dati ng masasayang alaala."

Jules was gaping at me the whole time I was talking--err, screaming.

By now, tears were already flowing down my face and I could care less.

"s**t Leslie. Ang sama niya."

Tumawa ako ng mapakla habang sumisinghot.

"Kasalanan ko din naman dahil hinayaan ko siyang patakbuhin ang buhay ko. Actually siya ang buhay ko." Pinunas ko gamit ng mga kamay ang luha at sipon sa mukha ko.

Yuck, so this is how rock bottom looks like--puno ng luha at sipon.

"Pag ready ka na, puntahan natin mga gamit mo, gusto kong gumawa ng graffitti sa living room niyo--ohhh lalo na sa bedroom!" Para siyang bata na nakatanggap ng regalo.

I know she's just lightening up the mood, and I really appreciate what she's doing.

I chuckled at her effort.

So basically, minanhid ko muna yung sarili ko ng isang buwan--weirdly enough, after the first 2 weeks of crying and not coming to work, somehow placed my head on a new perspective.

Maswerte din ako dahil sinamahan talaga ako ng guardian angel ko na si Jules.

Month 2: Anger

Okay, so I'm still having regular one on one gin bilog sessions with Jules pero hindi na ganoon kalala.

Siguro naubos na din yung luha ko--ironically habang nakikinig ng Luha by Aegis--which by the way Jules hated especially whenever I come home first at madadatnan niyang naka surround speakers yung kanta at para akong baliw sa sala na umiiyak habang kumakanta.

Nakaubos din ako ng pagkarami raming tagalog movie, and I think medyo masokista ako dahil ramdam ko naman na may something si Charlie at masyadong naive si Cory sa Langis at tubig, pero pinagpatuloy ko pa rin ang panonood. Masyado akong nakarelate ng mabunyag yung katotohanang may asawa na si Charlie.

"Tang ina mo Charlie makakarma ka din!!!! Pare pareho kayo mga walang puso!!!!" Sigaw ko habang ngumangawa sa harap ng tv, basa na din ng luha ko yung unan sa couch.

Madami na akong beses naabutan ni Jules sa ganong tagpo, pero ipinagkibit balikat niya na lang ito ng nasanay na.

"Stop being so melodramatic Leslie. You look like shit."

"You don't know what it feels like Jules!"

"I know, but if I ever do, I won't do that to myself. You are only prolonging your agony."

See how calm and collected she is? Kahit irita ako minsan sa mga harsh truths niya, it still is..the truth.

Hindi pa din ako nagbubukas ng phone ko, in fact nagrequest na lang ako ng company phone a week after moving into Jule's condo para may contact pa din ako sa clients.

Pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko na makapag text, email or tawag sakanya at baka kung ano pang kagagahan at masasamang salita ang masabi ko.

All I have now is pure anger over the man I used to revolve my life around with.

Naiisip ko din minsan kung love ba talaga yung naramdaman ko sakanya or tinawag ko na lang yun na love kasi dinivert niya yung frustrations ko regarding my family, and he distracted me through his goodness (ngayon I see him as pure evil.)

Month 2 and still my hate for him intensifies--he robbed me of my teenage and college years by binding me towards him.

Gaano katagal niya na kaya yun ginagawa sakin? Was his words and gestures even real?

I am so angry at him for making me feel this way.

He is none the less..heartless.

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