The Paintbrush Deal

CHAPTER 22

Elio's POV

"Are you really sure about what you're saying?"

I nodded. At this point, I'm going to die if I won't do anything. I'm starving, cold, miserable, and desperate. I don't even know if I could still live for another day. I want to end all my misery, but I'm too afraid to die. Too afraid to die with nothing. Too afraid to die alone.

"I'll do anything. . . Please. . . Help me," I croaked. I was so weak and hungry that I couldn't even see properly.

Despite my blurred and spinning vision, I could see the guy smiling at me meaningfully.

"Come with me, then."

●●●

Ni hindi ko na alam kung saan ako dinadala ng mga paa ko. I just kept on running. Hindi ko na pinansin ang malakas na buhos ng ulan o ang dilim ng paligid. I just ran and ran and never looked back.

Running away is the only thing I'm good at, anyway.

When I could no longer run any further, I just collapsed on the wet sidewalk. Buti na lang at sa isang waiting shed ako natigil. Umupo na lang ako at sumiksik sa isang tabi habang yakap ang sarili ko dahil nanginginig na ako sa lamig. The waiting shed did little to shield me from the cold and rain.

My current situation painfully reminded me of the exact same event that happened to me three years ago. Back then, I was also like this: lost and alone. As I slumped in the corner and buried my face on my shivering hands, the shadows of my past seemed to engulf me in their cold, haunting embrace. . .

"Iniwan na tayo ng nanay mo."

I just woke up one day to hear that from my own father. I refused to believe my father at first, but when I saw that all of my mother's clothes were gone and there's not a single trace of her left in the house, the heavy and numbing truth finally sank on me.

I just sat on the floor and stared at the empty air, not even knowing what to do.

Surprisingly, I wasn't even surprised that she left. I've always known that it's only a matter of time before she snapped from all the pressure, abuse, and burden that she's been enduring.

I wasn't surprised, but I felt betrayed; betrayed because I wanted to go with her. I thought that she cared for me, that she loved me. Hindi ko lubos akalain na iiwanan niya ako nang mag-isa sa impiyerno na 'to. I've always loved my mother, but that single incident made me hate her in an instant. If she truly loved me, she wouldn't be so selfish.

Mas lalo lang na sumama ang loob ko sa kanya nang marinig ko sa mga kapitbahay namin na sumama siya sa ibang lalaki.

Kagaya ng nasabi ko na noon, my good-for-nothing father eventually found another woman. We also moved to their house where we lived with the woman's other son. Things became better there. In fact, mas umayos ang lagay ko roon.

My father must've woken up to the truth when my mother left us. Mula noon, hindi na siya madalas na uminom at nagtrabaho na rin siya. The woman was also quite nice to me. Mas naging maayos ang hitsura at pananamit ko. Still, their efforts weren't enough to soften my heart. During that time, masama na ang loob ko sa lahat ng tao at sa buong mundo. Ni hindi ko sila pinapansin o kinakausap. Sumasagot lang ako kapag may itinatanong sila sa 'kin, pero most of the time ay wala akong imik sa bahay.

I enjoyed being alone. I enjoyed the silence. For the first time in my life, hindi ko na kailangan pang magtiis sa mga sigawan at bulyawan ng mga magulang ko. I felt like I didn't even exist during that time, and that felt nice. I was alone, but I was contented.

Unfortunately, that peaceful time of my life was short-lived.

"Pwede ba kitang tulungan diyan sa ginagawa mo?"

I was in my final year in high school during that time. Gumagawa ako ng isa sa mga project namin nang lapitan ako ng anak ng kinakasama ng tatay ko. I only know his name and age. Hindi naman nagkakalayo ang mga edad namin, pero mukhang hindi na siya nag-aaral. Kagaya ng ibang mga tao rito, halos hindi ko rin siya pinapansin. It's been over a year now since we started living with them.

"Ayos lang po ako. Patapos na rin po," sagot ko naman.

Pinanood na lang ako ni Kuya Norman habang tinatapos ko ang ginagawa ko. Dahil hindi ako sanay sa atensyon sa bahay na 'to, talagang wala na akong mapaglagyan ng awkwardness na nararamdaman ko.

"May kailangan po kayo?" tanong ko sa kanya nang hindi ko na matiis ang mga titig niya.

"Ayaw mo ba rito sa 'min? Pansin ko lang kasi na halos hindi mo kami kinakausap. May problema ba? Nag-aalala sa 'yo si mama," sagot niya.

"Ayos lang po ako," pagsisinungaling ko naman.

Huminga na lang nang malalim si Kuya Norman. "Alam ko naman na hindi mo kami pamilya, pero sana maisip mo na may mga tao rin na nag-aalala sa 'yo. Gusto rin na malaman ni mama kung kumusta ang pag-aaral mo; kung may mga kailangan ka. Hindi mo naman kailangan na tulungan si Aling Rosa diyan sa tindahan niya kung kailangan mo ng pera. Handa ka naman naming tulungan," sabi niya.

Tumitig na lang ako sa kawalan.

"Pamilya ka na rin namin kahit hindi mo kami kadugo. Hindi mo naman kailangan na ilayo ang sarili mo mula sa 'min. Nandito kami para sa 'yo. Hindi ka namin iiwan," dagdag pa niya.

I realized at that moment how selfish I had been. Nakita ko na kung paanong gusto magbago ni papa, pero hinayaan ko ang pride ko na kainin ang natitirang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Nararamdaman ko naman na gusto akong tulungan ng mga tao rito sa bahay, pero ako lang 'tong pilit na inilalayo ang sarili ko mula sa kanila.

It was my own fault, not my mother's, why I couldn't move on with my life.

Since then, sinubukan ko nang mag-open up sa bagong pamilya ko. Bumuti-buti rin ang pakikitungo ko sa tatay ko. I'd be lying if I didn't say that those times were the happiest in my life. Naging malapit din ako kay Kuya Norman. Na-realize ko na hindi naman pala katapusan ng lahat kung iniwan man ako ng nanay ko. May mga tao rin pala na handa akong mahalin at alagaan.

Sa kasamaang-palad, puro lang pala kasinungalingan ang lahat ng mga pinagsasabi ni Kuya Norman sa 'kin.

I just graduated from high school at may inaayos akong mga requirement. March was about to end, at may mga pinagpipilian na akong mga university na papasukan. Kauuwi ko lang noon at wala akong nadatnan na tao sa bahay. Maulan pa sa labas at madilim na dahil natagalan ako sa pag-aasikaso ng mga kailangan ko para sa pagpasok ko sa kolehiyo.

Katatapos ko palang na magsaing nang umuwi si Kuya Norman na amoy-alak. Agad ko naman siyang ipinagtimpla ng kape.

"Nag-text sa 'kin si mama. Gagabihin daw sila sa trabaho kaya nagsaing na ako. Magpahinga ka na muna, kuya. Magluluto pa kasi ako ng ulam natin," sabi ko bago ko nilagay sa mesa ang kape.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng kamay na humawak sa likod ng binti ko kaya agad akong napatalon.

"May kailangan ka, kuya?" tanong ko naman.

Walang pasabi-sabi ay bigla na lang na sumugod sa 'kin si Kuya Norman. Kasabay ng pagbagsak ko sa sahig ay siya namang pagtilapon ng tasa ng kape na dala ko. Nagdilim ang paningin ko kasabay ng pagsisikip ng dibdib ko.

"Kuya. . ."

Isang kamay ang tumakip sa bibig ko kasabay ng pagkapunit ng suot kong shorts.

"Tumahimik ka na lang para wala nang gulo," bulong niya sa 'kin.

Sa mga titig niya sa 'kin ay alam ko na kung ano ang gagawin niya. Sinubukan kong sumigaw ng tulong pero sinuntok niya ako sa sikmura at nawalan na ako ng malay.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nawalan ng malay, pero nang magising ako ulit ay nakatali na ang mga kamay ko sa likod ko at may busal na ako sa bibig. Wala na rin akong saplot sa katawan at nakapatong na sa likod ko si Kuya Norman.

Pagkakita niya sa reaksyon sa mukha ko ay napangiti na lang siya.

"Naloko ka ba ng kabaitan ko? Ilang buwan din akong naghintay na magawa 'to sa 'yo. Wala ka naman kasing silbi, maliban na lang dito sa katawan mo. Kahit papaano ay mapagtitiisan na kita," bulong niya.

Kasabay ng biglaang sakit na naramdaman ko ay siyang pagbuhos ng mga luha ko. Sinubukan kong magpumiglas pero idiniin niya ang ulo ko.

"Bakit ka pa lalaban kung wala namang may pakialam sa 'yo? Walang may kailangan sa 'yo, tandaan mo 'yan. Kung magsusumbong ka man, alam mo na ang mangyayari sa 'yo. Magmula ngayon, ito na lang ang gagawin mo para sa 'kin," sabi niya sabay tutok sa leeg ko ng isang kutsilyo.

"Walang may kailangan sa 'yo."

That line hit me right in the face. I just realized that people have been rejecting me all my life. My mother obviously didn't need me. My father doesn't even care for me. Now, this bastard deceived me to serve his own greedy desires. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me.

In the end, I was able to do nothing.

I've always been afraid of dying. Takot akong mamatay nang mag-isa. Takot akong mamatay nang wala man lang naaabot sa buhay. I'm afraid to die without achieving my dreams.

That incident was all that it took for me to leave the house without leaving a single trace behind. I was afraid for my life. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa 'kin, basta ang gusto ko lang ay magpakalayo-layo at hindi na magpahanap pa sa kanila.

That same night, I ran away with what little belongings I could carry with me. I just ran and ran and ran. It was a cold and rainy night, but I endured the pain and the cold. Gusto ko lang na makalayo sa lahat ng mga taong sumira sa buhay ko.

While I was running away, I could feel my heart hardening with every step I take. I've been fed with lies all my life. I thought my mother loved me, but she ran away and left me all alone. I thought that bastard was kind to me, but he ended up violating me and threatening my own life. In the end, people are just liars. They always think about themselves.

It was a painful and difficult lesson that I was forced to learn at such a young age.

That night was dark and cold, but the darkness waiting for me was quite welcoming compared to the horrifying monsters of my past. I ran towards the darkness-the only place where I can find comfort; the only place where I can run to.

The rain and cold pierced through my skin and bones, but not my heart.

I had to bump my head against my knees several times to pull myself out of my nightmares. Kaparehas ng gabing ito ang gabi kung kailan ako unang tumakbo palayo. Since then, I've done nothing but run away. No one needs me, anyway. No one will stop me. People just keep rejecting me over and over again. It's an endless cycle that I can't escape from. I'm used to it.

So why, my mind whispered as fresh tears dripped down my face, why am I still crying?

I just buried my head on my legs and bawled my eyes out.

Nobody needs you.

The rain falling on me suddenly stopped, but I could still hear it raging around me. I raised my head from my legs and saw a guy in front of me holding an umbrella. His clothes were soaking wet, but he shielded me from the rain instead.

"I'm sorry. . ." the gentle voice of Skyler said. "I didn't mean what I said earlier. . ."

I don't know if he's crying, but his voice was shaking. Skyler knelt in front of me and held my hand, kneading it with his thumb. He couldn't look at me straight in the eyes, so he just averted his gaze by looking at the ground. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he seemed unable to muster the courage to say it. Skyler opened his mouth and tried to say a word, but nothing came out except for a low grunt.

"Just leave me alone," I said before looking away. "You made your point clear earlier."

Skyler continued to knead my hand with his thumb.

"Please come back. . . Stay with me," Skyler said in a low voice. "I need you."

I looked at him in surprise, but he just kept on staring at our interlocked hands as he continued to knead mine with his thumb. From his expression, I could tell that he's really sorry. He just can't look at me straight in the eyes.

"Walang may kailangan sa 'yo."

Before I knew it, my vision suddenly blurred as fresh tears welled on my eyes and dripped down my face. I don't know what fuelled me to do it, but I just felt my body hurling itself towards Skyler's arms. As his warm embrace drove away all the cold and pain, I also wrapped my arms around him and buried my face on his chest before wailing like a lost child.

Skyler doesn't have any idea, but what he just said to me was probably the most precious thing that I have ever heard in my life that has been filled with lies and rejections.

I need you.