What It Means To Be Free

Chapter 3

"Jadie, may pamaypay ka?" Tanong ni Talia nang makaupo siya sa tabi ko.

I shook my head no as an answer before I put my head over my arms on my armchair.

It has been a week since the day of the program. Balik na ulit kami sa regular schedule ng klase namin pero dahil hindi pa tapos ang buwan ay nakasuot pa rin kaming lahat ng baro't saya at barong tagalog na pangitaas dahil required kaming suotin ito as per the order of our school's Officer In Charge for the month.

Recess time na namin kaya halos walang tao rito sa room. Most of our classmates usually go down our cafeteria to buy their food. Kagagaling niya lang sa baba at naiwan ako dito dahil masakit ang ulo ko. She volunteered to buy me food pero hindi ako pumayag dahil wala akong ganang kumain ngayon.

"You want?" Tanong ni Talia kaya ginilid ko ang ulo ko para makita ang inaalok niya. Hmm. French Fries.

"Ayaw ko." Sabi ko bago itinago ang mukha sa braso ko. It's one of my favourites though.

"Baka magutom ka niyan ah." Sabi na lang niya.

My head hurts and my eyes are sore like they were going to fall anytime soon. Siguro dahil late na akong natulog kagabi kaka advance reading ko. Okay lang naman kahit hindi ako kumain ngayon dahil kumain naman ako ng sandwich kanina bago kami umalis nila Mommy.

Nakahawak ang kamay ko sa gilid ng upuan habang nakapatong ang ulo ko sa braso kong nakapatong din sa desk ko nang maramdaman kong may dumaplis sa isang kamay ko. I slightly turned my head to the right and caught Brixz acting like he didn't do anything. Sinamaan ko lang siya ng tingin at hindi na nagsalita pa.

Two more subjects before our dismissal time and as class was still ongoing, I felt sleepy and my head felt heavy. Buti at nakayanan ko pang magtake ng quiz at maintindihan ang mga tinuturo ng subject teachers namin dahil nag review din naman ako kagabi na nag advance reading naman ako.

Brixz didn't bother me the whole day after the accidental touch and I don't know why. Hindi naman sa gusto kong kinukulit kulit o inaasar asar niya ako, pero kasi....

Hindi ako sanay.

"Hoy, babae. Umayos ka nga. Tingnan mo nga 'yang sarili mo. Mukha kang lantang gulay. Uminom ka kaya ng tubig?" Sabi ni Brixz habang nakahawak sa shoulder strap ng bag niya na nakasabit sa kanang balikat niya. He's also wearing a Barong top kaya nagmukha siyang maginoo at matino, sumablay nga lang sa ugali.

I glared at him before I hanged my bag over my shoulder despite of my condition. Halos hindi ko na mabuhat ang bag at libro ko dahil sa sakit at bigat ng ulo ko pero sinubukan ko pa ring buhatin ang mga ito.

"Weak." Brixz said with a smug look on his face.

I was about to argue about him annoying me instead of leaving me alone when he quickly took my books and backpack from my hold.

Nawala ang pagkayupi ng mukha ko at napalitan ito ng pagkatigil at gulat habang nakatingin kay Brixz dahil sa ginawa niya. I wasn't expecting that. I didn't expect him to help me because the only thing he does is to annoy me.

"Why are you helping me?"

Seriously, Brixz. Bakit mo ba 'to ginagawa? You’re acting strange.

Sometimes you're suddenly all kind, caring and funny but most of the time you're arrogant and irritating to me. Ano ba'ng trip mo Brixz? Ang gulo mo.

"Ha? Helping you? Dadalhin ko lang 'to sa basurahan. Ang gulo kasi eh."

"Akin na nga." I tried to get it from him but he didn't let me by raising my things away from me.

"Wag mo naman masyadong ipahalata na crush mo rin ako, Rubyane." Sabi niya dahilan para matauhan ako at mapatigil dahil sa posisyon namin ngayon. I'm holding onto his shoulder while my other hand tries to reach for my books above us.

“Rin? So, crush mo ako?” Tanong ko saka inabot ang mga libro ko nang lumapit ang kamay niya sa akin at hinayaan naman niya ako.

“Ako? Hindi ah. Edi ang swerte mo naman, na-crush back kita?” Muli niyang inagaw ang libro ko mula sa akin at inilagay ang mga iyon sa loob ng bag ko.

My cheeks felt hot not because I might get sick but because of frustration.

"Ewan ko sayo, Brixz." Sabi ko sabay hawi sa curtain bangs ko bago ko siya nilagpasan.

“Bakit ba palagi ka na lang may dalang libro kahit na wala naman tayong assignment?”

Ramdam ko ang presensya niya sa likod ko kaya naman alam kong sinusundan niya lang ako. I'm not carrying anything since Brixz took my books and bag.

Hindi na rin ako nagreklamo pa dahil talagang hindi na maganda ang pakiramdam ko at wala akong oras para makipagbangayan pa kay Brixz.

“Why do you care? Mas okay na na may dala akong libro kaysa naman sa wala. I like reading because I learn a lot from books. Try mo rin kung minsan.” Pang aasar ko sa kaniya. One point for me!

“Hindi naman na kailangan.” I rolled my eyes at him while he flashed a smile.

Tahimik lang kami buong magdamag at buti na lang malapit lang ang kabilang building kaya hindi na kaming tinagal na magkasama.

I led him toward our school's building 1 and stopped just beside the waiting shed. I faced him and slowly took my things as I was feeling weak. Hinayaan naman niya ako at hindi na nakipagtalo pa.

"Okay ka na rito? Dalhin na kaya kita sa clinic. Mukha ka ng babagsak ano ma'ng oras, Rubyane." Seryosong sabi pa niya na ikinasimangot ko naman.

"Okay na 'ko dito. Umalis ka na. Hindi ko na kailangan ng tulong." I coldly and weakly said. Nakita kong natigilan si Brixz sa sinabi ko bago tumango tango dahilan ara makaramdam ako ng guilt sa tonong nagamit ko sa kaniya.

I didn't really want to sound rude, I just wanted to end our conversation so I could go to Mom and tell her that I'll go first since I wanted to rest.

"Sorry." Mahinang sabi ko habang nakayuko kaya hindi ko alam kung narinig niya ba iyon.

I don't know why I said sorry because I felt guilty since I said it like I was shooing him away when all he did was help me. I just felt like I offended him. Ni hindi man lang ako nag thank you.

I turned my back on him and left him there without waiting for his response. Umakyat na lang ako sa faculty room nila Mommy at nagpaalam kay Mommy na uuwi na muna ako dahil hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko. She told me to go first and told me to text our driver para mahatid ako pauwi at naghantay na makarating ito bago ako muling bumaba.

After a few minutes, nakatanggap ako ng text mula sa driver namin na nasa may parking space na raw siya ng school. I asked Mom if she would go with me but she told me to leave first since hindi pa raw siya tapos sa ginagawa niya at binilinan akong uminom ng gamot at magpahinga.

The school is not that far from our subdivision so it didn't take 15 minutes when we arrived.

A two storey modern house welcomed my sight as our driver drove into our black swing gate to park the car in our parking space beside our house. Brown, white and gray are the color palette of the house. Its walls are painted in white while the roof is colored brown.

Agad akong lumabas ng passenger seat ng sasakyan namin at nagpasalamat sa Kuya Ruden na driver namin bago naglakad papunta sa entrada ng bahay namin.

I walked straight inside since the double doors are open. Tahimik ang bahay dahil halos walang tao rito kung hindi ang iilang katulong namin at si Kuya Ruden. I don't have someone to annoy me here or to talk to me since I am an only daughter which makes this place an empty home for me.

Madalas umuwi si Daddy ng late dahil marami raw siyang inaasikaso and I understand that. He works as an attorney under one of the biggest law firms in the Philippines. He was even featured as one of the top attorneys in the country.

While Mom, on the other hand, is always busy as she needs to prepare powerpoint presentations for her students and lesson plans for the whole school year.

I went upstairs and walked towards my room which was located on the second room of our house. Nilagay ko ang bag ko sa upuan ng study table ko na nasa tapat ng paanan ng higaan ko. Lumapit ako sa walk in closet ko at kumuha ng masusuot.

I went inside my room's bathroom and took a quick shower para naman kahit papaano ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. I also blow dried my hair that's why it's still damp when I leave the bathroom.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko sa bag ko kanina para libangin ang sarili habang hinahantay kong matuyo ang buhok ko. Moments passed when I decided to to sleep since tuyo na rin naman ang buhok ko.

7 in the evening and yet nandito parin ako sa kwarto ko at nagbabasa ng libro habang may suot suot na earphones sa tainga ko. It's a good thing that I slept earlier since my head doesn't hurt anymore at mukhang nakakuha naman ng tamang pahinga ang mga mata ko. Gumaan naman kahit papa’no ang pakiramdam ko dahil ginising naman ako ni Mommy para magdinner at uminom ng gamot.

Napagisipan kong basahin ang librong binili ko sa bookstore dahil wala naman akong ibang magawa. I'm not in the mood to dance or to even leave my bed.

My attention went from my book to my phone when a notification popped. Kinuha ko ito na nasa tabi lang ng librong binabasa ko at tiningnan ang mensahe.

It's a message from Aeya.

Aeya's my friend from another school, as well as Adie's and Talia's. She was a transferee last school year at hindi ko pa kaklase sila Sorin at Dark last year since hindi raw pwede magsama sama sa iisang section ang mga anak ng teachers pero pwede naman yung dalawa o tatlo sa Isang section. Tatlo kami nila Talia, Adie at ako na magkakasama sa iisang seksyon last year.

Aeya left our school since she told us that they are going to live in Davao. Nasa Davao kasi ang pamilya nila at doon na raw siya magaaral.

Aeya:

Teh, buhay ka pa ba? Magpahinga ka naman.

I smiled bitterly. Kilala mo nga ako.

She's one of the few people I trust to keep my secrets. Isa siya sa mga taong alam kong makikinig sa mga hinaing ko. But sometimes, there are things that I keep on my own na ayaw kong makita at malaman ng ibang tao.

I don't like exposing myself to other people too much. Maybe because I'm afraid to be judged and maybe because I don't easily trust people dahil hindi naman lahat ng taong kilala natin ay totoong mapagkakatiwalaan.

Me:

Congrats buhay ka pa! Kala ko kasi i-ghoghost mo 'ko eh.

Binitawan ko ang phone ko at tinuloy ang pagbabasa nang tumunog ulit ito. I closed my book since I already got distracted by the messages. Break muna.

Aeya:

Oo nga pala. Gala tayo sa Sabado. Sabihin mo kila Adie ah!

A small smile protruded on my lips as I remembered what's so special on Saturday. Lumaki pa lalo ang ngiti sa labi ko nang makaisip ng kalokohan.

Me:

Bakit naman? Is there something to celebrate on Saturday? Nandito ka ba?

As I wait for her reply, I decided to fix my things over my study table before laying down on my bed. Mamaya na lang ulit siguro ako magbabasa.

Aeya:

Galing ah. Bahala ka nga diyan. Nice talk.

I chuckled at her reply because I knew that it would turn out that way. I typed my reply before I sang along to one of my favourite OPM songs.

Natawa ako sa sarili ko nang marinig kong pumiyok ako. I really like to sing but honestly, my voice isn't that beautiful. Pasayawin niyo na ako 'wag lang pakantahin. That's the only thing I'm not good at.

Napatigil ako sa pagkanta nang tumunog muli ang phone ko.

Aeya:

Magbabyahe na kami ni Mama bukas ng umaga. Sumama ka ah! Iiyak ako ‘pag hindi.

I knew it was Aeya so I read it and exchanged another conversation about our plans on Saturday since hindi niya talaga ako titigilan hanggang hindi ako pumapayag sa gusto niyang gala.

I stopped singing and scrolled on my social media accounts and entertained myself when I heard a knock on the door so I quickly disconnected my earphones from my phone and hid it under my pillow.

Tumayo ako at nagmamadaling binuksan ang science book na nakapatong sa study table ko bago ko binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto ko.

"Mom." I said with a fixed smile on my lips.

She raised a brow at me which turned my smile form into a tight-lipped smile. Gumilid ako ng kaunti para makapasok siya. She went in and because she wasn't facing me, my smile completely faded and turned into a small pout.

"Were you studying?" Tanong niya. I faced her and saw her sitting at the side of my bed while looking at my book over my study table.

"I was." Mahinang sabi ko na tingin ko naman ay narinig ni Mommy.

"Good. How's school?" Tanong niya habang inaayos ang yupi sa higaan ko dahil sa pagkakahiga ko kanina. It made me worried knowing that my phone was under those pillows.

"It was fine." I flatly said but then I remembered. "May quiz nga rin pala kami kanina Mommy and I was the only one who got it perfect." Masayang sabi ko.

She stood up when she finished fixing my bed which made me feel at ease. Buti na lang at natigil rin si Mommy kakaayos mg higaan ko dahil malapit na niyang makapa ang lugar kung nasaan ang phone ko kanina.

"Anong subject?" Tanong niya sabay lapit sa study table ko para silipin ang librong binabasa ko kanina habang ako naman ay nakatayo lang dito sa may pinto habang sinusundan ng tingin ang bawat kilos niya.

"Science." I said with a proud smile on my lips.

She looked at me before turning some pages of my book and walked towards me.

"I know you'd do great, our future Attorney. Sa math? Hindi pa kayo nag quiz? Watch videos online, meron naman sigurong mga tutorials doon. If you’re having a hard time, ask your classmates or better yet do some practice on problem solving on your own. Math is simple if you focus. Nagfo-focus ka ba?"Tanong niya nang makalapit sa akin. She caressed my head and brushed my hair using her fingers before tucking some strands behind my ear.

My heart felt tight as I was expecting for her to at least say I did greet or congratulate me since it was my favorite subject. Siguro masyado akong umaasa na sasabihin niya iyon kaya gano'n na lang ang pagkadismaya ko ng hindi niya 'yon nagawa.

“Of course, Mom.”

Maybe she asked me if I was doing well on math because the last time we talked I was complaining about how confusing it is. Naiintindihan ko naman yung lessons pero minsan nalilito talaga ako. It was the only subject I had a problem with.

Nagusap pa kami saglit bago siya lumabas sa kwarto ko na ikinahinga ko naman ng maluwag.

I didn't mention to her that I was planning to do an intermission number last time and I never did. Hindi ko na sinabi kanina dahil hindi naman na ako nag intermission. Alam ko naman kasing hindi siya papayag.

Mom really has this aura na para bang kailangan mo sundin lahat ng sinasabi niya. Sometimes she's sweet as candy but she can also be strict and suffocating to be with. I love my Mom but sometimes she's just too much to handle.