The Forbidden Man

Chapter 20 - Glimpse

We sat on a flat limestone outcropping, listening to the waves smash in time to the chirping of birds and the slurping of the wind in our ears.

"I guess I just felt responsible for what happened at that time, and I held Tisha accountable." He started talking. "I mean, I never treated her more than a friend, we're just friends, and she's a bit vulnerable, maybe I was wrong to care for her sometimes, but I never go beyond doing anything like I did to you, miss."

Napataas ang kilay ko nang lingunin ko siya.

"Bakit ka nagpapaliwanag?" Natawa ako. "Pero baka, she misunderstood the part where you cared for her."

Natahimik ito.

"But I know she's aware of how vocal I am that I like someone else," sinabi niya kalaunan. "She knows that she's my friend."

Muli na na namang napataas ang kilay ko sa sinabi niya. Binalik ko ang tingin sa dagat nang titigan niya ako.

"And Gendron, throwing some fuel on the fire isn't helping, and neither is your unpleasant stare at me like I'm really the offspring of a mistress. I have no right to hold you or anybody else responsible for how I feel."

We had been staring at the breathtaking scene in front of us in silence for a time when he broke the hush with, "It's just terrible to stay in a place where most everyone sees me as bad, pompous, unpleasant, and vain person."

I didn't press him for details about what happened that day of brawl. But it's a relief that he's bringing it up for conversation.

That's why I tried to filter the things I had to say, I just wanted to hear his side of the story.

"But in the part where you see me, looking at you unpleasantly because everyone thinks you're a son of a... you're wrong, Axis. I don't make snap judgments based on the rumors going around. I do hear those stories, but I don't base my opinion of a person solely on them," I replied honestly.

He spoke slowly and firmly, his tone resolute: "My mother was never a mistress, a misjudged, rather."

"I understand," I said a few seconds after the silence.

"Do you believe what I just told you?" he asked.

I turned on his side and looked at him, in awe, I wasn't able to answer abruptly.

"I think that question shouldn't be ask that way, Axis," I said, a small smile crept on my lips. "You shouldn't be asking that as if my opinion does matter."

"It matters to me."

Napangiti ako sa sagot niya, ngunit nakakalungkot lang na isiping naiisip niyang importante ang opinyon ng iba tungkol sa kanya.

"You should ask, why people tend to judge easily. And my opinion doesn't really matter, Axis. Basta kung ano ang totoo doon ka mag-stick, at kung ano ang nakikita ko sayo, iyon ang paniniwalaan ko–"

I stopped midway when I heard his echoing laugh.

"Well, you see me as some conceited, vain and annoying kid." Naitakip niya pa ang palad niya sa kanyang bibig.

Napatango-tango ako bilang pagsang-ayon sa sinabi niya.

"Tama ka..." Napatigil ako at nahawa na rin sa mas lumakas niyang tawa.

"See? Isn't that still a bad impression of me?" His laugh became louder. I can tell he's laughing heartily.

Nahahawa akong lalo sa tawa niya.

Totoo naman. I see him that way, but I can't tell when my perception of him changes. His negative attitude is a component of his overall personality, which is indescribable by one attitude, and despite his evil outward appearance, he is showing signs of vulnerability.

"You are a good kid, Axis," I said, and then his laughter faded.

"Liar," he remarked, and he laughed again.

Mariin ko siyang tinitigan at nabura ang tawa sa aking mga labi.

Nang balikan ko ang oras kung saan hindi siya nagalit at pinalagpas ang mga sinabi at suntok ni Gendron sa kanya habang siya ang sinisisi, I can tell he has a little control over the judgment about him. Pero ang panghuhusga at masasamang salita tungkol sa ina niya ay hindi niya mapalagpas.

He was never interested in playing hearts, and while I may have mistakenly assumed he was devoted to a romantic relationship, I now see that he was never a playboy.

He loves his mother, and for that alone, Axis is a good boy.

"Ma'am, punta ka po ng gymnasium?"

Napatingin ako sa tanong ni Caspian nakasuot ng jersey.

"Wala naman po kayong klase diba? Masaya po don' naglalaban sila ng swimming kasama po si Axis don." Pagpapatuloy niya.

"And?" Napataas ang kilay ko, why does it seem like he invited me there just so I could see Axis? "I mean... wow, that sounds fun." Pagbawi ko sa pagtataray ko.

I have been so defensive hearing Axis's name, what's wrong with me, I should stay firm and professional. Wala namang nagbago kahit na, hinabol ko siya para lang mag-stay siya rito sa school.

"Ah nandoon din po sila Sir Camaya." Pagpatuloy nito kahit na nagsimula na akong maglakad pabalik ng clinic.

"I'm so busy, I have to—"

"Minsan lang to ma'am, maraming teachers po ang nandoon, nandoon nga din po si Ma'am Cathy e."

Hearing the name 'Cathy' makes my blood boil.

"Wow, that sounds like a huge program," I exclaimed. I can hear the nervousness in my voice, but it's only because I'm trying to stop myself from going there.

I had to hide myself because if I'd moved any closer to that boy. He may believe that anything has changed between us after all of our chasing and long talks. I swore to him, so I guess that's a no. But I am confident my firm promises to myself will never occur so long as I remain true to my values.

At habang nakakaya ko pa, susubukan kong lumayo.

"Axis! Axis! Axis!"

Napabuntong-hininga ako. What am I doing here again? Hindi ba at kakausap ko lang sa aking sarili na iiwasan ko ang batang ito? Kaya bakit ako nandito nakatayo habang nakatayo na sa platform si Axis upang magdive na.

Nagkakaroon ang grade 10, 11 at 12 ng freestyle competition at isa siya sa anim na kalahok, nasa gitna pa talaga, sa tingin ko'y siya ang may pinakabilis na segundong nalangoy.

Napataas ang kilay ko, nagawa niyang manalo kahit na siya lang ang may suot na rash guard. Magaling talaga siguro siya, hindi ko kasi naabutan ang unang freestyle performance niya.

This program was organized by Sir Salvadico, I assumed. Naririnig ko ang tilian noong mga babae na ang iba'y sigurado akong freshmen pat at sophomore, mayroon pang mga Cartolinang may disenyo. May mga pangalan ng kung sino man at ang nakakuha ng atensiyon ko ay iyong mga babaeng tumitili para kay Axis.

These are the girls that he should be crushing on him and not some 25 year old teacher. I roamed my eyes around the girls when I heard a whistle and a splash of water.

I lost sight on Axis, I did not even looked at him that long, because I was busy looking at those girls yelling his name.

It surprised me that he won again, nevertheless, now that he has defeated his seniors, it implies that he is also quite talented at swimming.

"Hi ma'am, galing ng mga bata no? Siguradong makakapasok na naman ang school natin ngayong taon."

Nasa tabi ko na si Sir Camaya, napangiti ako habang nakatingin sa mga manlalangoy na pinapalibutan ng mga kasama.

"No doubt about it, we need to claim it already, right?" Natawa ako at nilingon siya.

Sumagot pa ito at agad na lumapit naman si Ma'am Kara sa amin kaya't nagkasayahan kami sa usapan na hindi na naming namalayang natapos na pala ang kompetisyon sa swimming at naghahanda na ngayon para sa basketball.

"Halata namang anak mayaman kayo ma'am, pero naaamaze pa rin ako kapag nag-ienglish kayo, para kasing natural na lang talaga na ginagamit no 'yon e."

Napangiti ako sa biglaang pagbukas ng ganoong usapin ni Sir Camaya, kasama na rin sa usapan si Sir Makoy, Ma'am Kara, at Miss Cathy.

Narinig kong tumawa si Miss Cathy, hindi ko lang alam kung sino ang tinatawanan niya ngunit inirapan ito nang pasimple ni Ma'am Kara, ako naman ay gusto ring umirap ang kaso pinigilan ko ang aking sariling gawin iyon.

Natapos ang araw na iyon na wala kaming gaanong ginagawa, lalo na kaming mga floating teachers.

Binati ko na lang sina Caspian dahil nanalo sila laban sa grade 12, ngunit overall champion pa rin ang grade 12, marami silang nahakot dahil sa swimming. I didn't see Caspian last year, ang sabi ay nagkasakit ito kaya kailangan tumigil, kaya pareho na silang Grade 12 ni Axis.

Pauwi na ako nang mapansin kong pinapalibutan si Axis ng mga estudyante, nakikita kong nagpapakuha ng litrato ang iba sa kanya, nag-abot ang aming paningin at ako ang unang umiwas, kasunod doon ang pagtawag sa akin nina Jorah at Samwell dahil sabay kaming uuwi.

Pagkababa ko sa tricyle ay agad kong napansin ang isang bultong pamilyar sa akin, sa ilalim ng bougenvilla na pumpormang arko na papasok sa apartment.

"Oh... h-hey..." bati ko, nauutal pa.

"Hi." Matipid itong ngumiti. "Can I crash in?"

Napabuntong-hininga ako at umiling.

"I'm just kidding, Miss." Ngumisi ito, isang ngising nakakasanayan ko na, hindi iyon nakakainsulto o mapang-asar, ngiti iyon nang mukhang nasasaktan, siguro ay masyado lang akong nag-iisip ng sobra.

"Want some?" May inabot siya sa aking tumbler, alam ko na kung ano ang laman non, nakakapangolekta na ako ng tumbler dahil palagi siyang nagbibigay sa akin ng inumin at hindi naman nniya tatanggapin kapag ibinabalik ko pagkatapos maubos ang juice non.

"Thank you so much, Axis. By the way, congratulations." I formally said, referring to his recent swimming victory.

Tumango lang ito. "Thank you, Miss."

Tipid akong ngumiti at handa nang lagpasan siya.

"I wanna talk to you, Miss... will it be alright? Can you lend me your time?" Mahina nitong tanong na para bang nagsusumamamo.

Tumingin muna ako sa loob ng apartment kung may nakakita ba sa amin, malaking pasamalamt ko na lang talaga at hindi gaanong lumalabas ang mga nakatira sa apartment at ang iba'y nasa trabaho pa.

"Axis..." Bumuntong-hininga ulit ako.

"I know, I know, I have been a troublesome to you, so... I just wanted to talk you... I promise, this will be the last."

"I don't believe you."

"I kept my promises, Miss."

"What would people think if they saw you coming in and out of my apartment?"

"Well... You can, go to our house?" Patanong pa iyon at alam niya sigurong hindi ako papayag.

"Napakakulit mong bata ka." Napailing ako, ngunit sa huli ay wala rin akong nagawa.

Magkasabay na kaming kumain ng hapunan. Just the two of us with a well... steak? I haven't eaten one since my stay here, so I might as well enjoy it, and I really enjoyed the wine.

Ni-request ko, siya ang bawal sa wine. Tahimik kaming kumakain na kahit hanggang sa matapos ay walang umiimik sa amin.

"Well, I have been thinking about it several times." Panimula niya.

Nasa Teresa muli kami, nakatanaw sa malawak nilang taniman, habang nakikita ko ang ganda ng mga ilaw sa kahabaan ng taniman na bumubuo ng blokeh at may kanyang kulay ng dilaw, puti at abelyana.

Bumuntong-hininga ito at umiling. "And I really can't do it, again." Napasuklay siya sa kanyang buhok, nakatukod ang kanyang mga siko sa kanyang nakabukang hita at nakayuko siya doon. He looks problematic and frustrated.

"What's wrong, Axis?" May distansiya ang aming inuupan kaya't kailangan ko pang bumalik sa kanya upang marinig, bumubulong lamang ito at kahit tahimik ang gabi ay hindi ko siya marinig ng maayos.

"You know what, every time you avoid me, I end up convincing myself that I should wait a little longer, but then... every time I see you, going back to ignoring me..." Nag-angat siya ng ulo at tumitig sa akin na may malamlam na mga mata. "I'm afraid I can't keep our agreement to keep things casual. Do you think it was just an infatuation or... addiction?"

Napanganga ako, nais kong tawanan ang pagpili niya sa salitang 'addiction' ngunit dahil napakaseryoso at ang lamlam ng mga titig niya'y hindi ko magawa.

"I haven't taken drugs, but you seem like such a sedative that I'm willing to accept any painful boomerang, I don't care if the backlash is more disappointing, but I just want to meet your eyes, that's all..."

Godness! I like his words. His statements are beautiful. I was so taken aback that I was at a loss for rebuttal.

"It's fine if you don't want to talk to me, Miss, but could you please meet my eyes? You don't need to say words, you just have to give me a little peek of your eyes, that's all... just look at me for a little bit everytime you see me, just a glimpse, please... just a glimpse from you."

Gusto ko siyang abutin. Gusto kong haplusin ang kanyang pisngi at ipadama sa kanya na kaya kong ibigay ang hinihiling niya na napakaliit na bagay lang niyon para sa akin.

Gustong‑gusto ko siyang abutin. Gusto kong idampi ang kamay ko sa kanya. Nais ko rin siyang yakapin nang mahigpit.

Ngunit pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko, ayokong bigyan siya kahit katiting na pag‑asa. I want him to feel that there is still a line between us, one he should never cross. That we shall always remain teacher and student. No matter how moved I am by his persistence all these years, I still want to stay decent, morally grounded, and virtuous.

Gusto ko siyang aluin sa tuwing makikita ko siyang nasasaktan, pero sa huli, nangingibabaw pa rin ang paniniwala ko... ang propesyon ko, ang edad ko, ang prinsipyo ko.