THE ANGELES VICEUpdated at Mar 1, 2024, 05:13
Life is just a constant cycle of proving yourself. It's an unending process of trying to please others, validate your worth, demonstrate your innocence, show your loyalty, reassure your family of your goodness, convince your partner of your faithfulness, and assure everyone that you are honest - yet also demonstrate that you are capable of deception when necessary. It often feels like a never-ending battle to meet everyone's expectations. Have you ever heard the saying that if you want to live a life of misery, this is how you do it?This is the path to misery. You may feel trapped and suffocated, feeling like you have no way out. As a criminal, there are only two possible outcomes: either spending your life behind bars or finding yourself in a secluded location where your loved ones cannot reach you. Escaping is not an option. Only a fortunate few manage to break free and live until a natural end comes for them.There are no happy endings to be found here, except maybe the temporary pleasures sought from an Asian massage parlor, an illicit relationship on the side, or the love of a partner who remains by your side in this troubled paradise. If you are still holding onto the belief, hope, or prayer for a happy ending, you are as naive as I once was, as naive as the next person waiting to take my place. If you choose to stay, follow my lead and let go of any fairy tales. Save them for bedtime stories.I am not a saint, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I have never aspired to be good, nor did I believe that I could attain such a status. Accepting and embracing this seemingly harsh reality was a lesson taught to me by one of my dearest friends, known to all as Buggs. You are under no obligation to love or hate me. In fact, you are not expected to feel any particular way towards me. Your feelings towards me are solely your problem and your own personal concern. Whether you agree with the decisions I have made or not, it is not a personal attack. Some of us can only strive to live our lives authentically and true to ourselves. If you are someone who advocates for individuals to embrace their true selves and be honest about it, yet you reject individuals like me who do just that, then you may want to reflect on your own inconsistencies. Remember this as I share my story with you.A life spent proving oneself. The only certainty I can offer to you, whoever may be listening, is that this is not where you want to be. When there is a fire, you don't run towards it unless you seek to be a hero or have a death wish. There is nothing here for anyone. But if, like me at 15, you feel you have no choice but to stay, then at least heed my advice. You will deeply regret not doing so.When God selects you to enter this world, it is a commitment that must be honored until the very end. You are brought into existence for a purpose, and it is your duty to follow that path through to completion. Despite my initial reluctance, if I was meant to be born into this life, then it is my fate to see it through to its conclusion. I am wholeheartedly devoted, now more than ever. If the higher power did not deem my presence necessary, I would not exist. Every action I take is in service of Him and my family - that is the extent of it. Though I may not be the most devout Catholic within the Church,I do possess a conscience, unlike the woman who guided me to this point. Irrespective of what others may assert, I believe that I am a decent individual. My heart is kind, and my soul still finds favor in the eyes of God, readily seeking forgiveness when needed. It is important to recognize that I am not devoid of goodness; rushing to judgment, or passing judgment without insight, is unwise. I urge you to examine yourself before forming an opinion of me. Each action I take is deliberate, with purpose and justification behind it. If you fail to acknowledge this, then you are not seeing the complete picture clearly.If my fate leads me to death, rather than a reality where I grow old surrounded by grandchildren and my loving wife until God calls her home naturally, then I will meet my end with dignity. I will depart with opulent bank accounts, ownership of vast territories, a renowned reputation, and on my own terms, retaining honor and respect. I do not resemble those aimless hoodlums; that is not who I am. I am a woman who has battled and earned the privilege to dictate my actions and demand unwavering service and homage.I will harness the power that I have fought for to shape the world where I rightfully belong. I demand unwavering respect from others at all times, for those who fail to do so will face the consequences, ending up lying lifeless in an open casket. I have transcended the role of victim in my life; I refuse to accept such a label. This is not a story of sorrow but one of empowerment.