When Love is Gone

"Please! Please, Ram, please! I beg you! Don't leave me!" I begged and cried over and over again as I hugged his feet to prevent him from walking. I didn't care that he was already dragging my limp body. I didn't care even if I am in a pathetic situation right now. I don't want him to go to his woman. To the woman I stole him away from. "Stop this, Grachelle! We already talked about this! We already had a deal that I'll divorce you once she's back!" I shook my head at him. He's right. We already talked about this and we already had a deal. But now that it's happening, I can't let him go. I just can't. "I can't, Ram! I can't let you go!" I cried and cried even more but he just looked at me without any sympathy. He forced my hands to let go of him and when he succeeded, he pushed me away from him. "Three years of marriage has been hell to both of us, Grachelle. Aren't you satisfied yet? Do you want to add more years to this pathetic charade you did just to force me to be married to you?! Must I let you remember how you faked being pregnant and how you manipulated me into marrying you? You brainwashed my family with your money! You even threatened Sara's life! You destroyed our plans! You ruined us because of your selfishness!" he angrily said, his eyes were filled with so much rage. "I just did everything I could to have you because I love you! I loved you so much!" I screamed at him as I cried harder. Why can't he understand that my love for him made me do those evil things? I did everything that I can for him to end up with me. I gave him everything, my money, my body, my heart, and my soul. I thought that he would be happy. I thought that he would be satisfied. When he said that he didn't want any kids with me, I agreed even if I wanted to have a baby with him. I followed everything he said and everything he wanted me to do even if I have to give up a lot of things for him. It was all because I love him so much. "But I don't love you, Grachelle. I will never love you." It was just a whisper but it felt like he punched me in the face. "Pity yourself, Grachelle, and stop being selfish. There are a lot of men out there waiting for you to love them back. Don't force yourself to me anymore. You can buy everything, you've even bought my family, my body, and my name but what you cannot buy is my heart." I was too stunned to answer back. When he started walking away, I just watched until the tears blinded my eyes. ... It was already dark outside but I was still at the place where Ram left me. I was hugging my knees. I was looking at the wall while my tears were still falling from my eyes. How many hours have I been crying? Three? Five? I don't know anymore. Since Ram left this morning, all I did was cry. I stayed lying down on the cold floor and stared at the furniture beside the stairs. This house has been a wedding gift from my parents. This is the house where Ram and I stayed for three years. He was right. Our marriage has been hell. Since day one, he treated me like a stranger. Serving him as his wife was useless. He only looks at me every time I served him above our bed. He's right. I am really pathetic. But what can I do if my heart told me to fall in love with him the very first time I saw him? I loved how he stands, how he walks, and how he talks. I love the way he smiled and laughed. I love how he carried himself. I love how smart and responsible he was. I loved everything about him. So I did everything to get his attention. I asked my dad to let me work in our company just to see him every day. But seeing him every day wasn't enough. I wanted more. I asked my dad to make a way for Ram and me to always be together. Being an only child, my parents always give me whatever I wanted. And during those times, I wanted him. He has been promoted from his post because of me. We've worked together on some projects and during those times, I realized that I again wanted more. I didn't care that he already has a girlfriend. I want him and his girlfriend won't stop me from taking what I want. I always seduced him and one drunken night, I succeeded. He was regretful after what happened but I was just too, happy. Finally, I've experienced how to own and be owned by him. Yet again, I still wanted more. I wanted him to permanently be mine. I faked my pregnancy and even finance his mother's operation so that he would owe his mother's life to me. I asked for marriage and he was forced to break up with his girlfriend to marry me. I was so happy. My dream finally came true. But that was short-lived especially when he got to know that I wasn't really pregnant. He hated me ever since that day but he didn't divorce me which I was thankful for not until his ex-girlfriend came back. I know, these were all my fault. I know how I've hurt him with my deceit. I know how he suffered by being forced to stay married to me. I saw it in everything he did. I saw it every day in his eyes. He hates me. He loathes me. And he is right. He will never love me. I placed my hand below my tummy. "I'm sorry, baby. It was because of me that you'll grow up without a... Dad," I whispered as if he or she can hear me. "But don't worry, Mommy will always be here for you, little one. I will always love you the way I loved your Dad. I promise you, we will be happy. We will be happy, my baby. Mommy will give you all the love that you deserve." With trembling knees, I stood up. I looked for my phone and dialed my mother's number. "Mom, listen. Just listen, please," I begged. My parents were against Ram at first but I begged them to let me love and marry him. I threatened to destroy my life and they didn't want to risk it so they finally relented. I never told them about his bad treatment of me. I don't want to hear them say that I deserved it. That would already be too much to bear. "Please, ask our lawyers to file a divorce for me and Ram." I listened to the other line as my mother started screaming at me. "Mom, please! Just do it. And please, ask Dad's secretary to book me a flight. Tomorrow if that's okay. Yes, Mom. Yes. I will sign the divorce papers first before leaving. Yes, Mom. Just give Ram half of my properties. He deserves it for the three years I gave him hell. Bye, Mom. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow." I walked towards the kitchen and looked for something to eat. Now that I have calmed down, I can feel how my tummy hurts from hunger. I prepared a sandwich for myself and as I started eating it I can't help my tears from falling once again. I placed the palm of my hand against my mouth. My shoulders shook violently as once again I cried so hard. It took me two hours to finish the sandwich because of too much crying. Then I went to the Master's bedroom. I looked at the empty closet where Rams clothes used to be. I sadly smiled as my hands went over the empty space. I always make sure to prepare his clothes. I always wanted them to be clean and always ready for him. I looked around the room. The room I shared my three years of life with Ram. All our memories were stocked here. Most were bad ones and little good ones. I took some of my clothes and put them on my luggage. Once I was done, I laid down on our bed. The bed I slept with Ram for three years. This bed was my diary, my best friend every time Ram doesn't come home, or every time we fight and he leaves me alone. This was also the witness of our lovemaking. Or should I say every time he wanted his body to be satisfied. I remembered how I cried in this bed when he left after discovering I wasn't really pregnant. I remembered asking for its opinion when I decided to stop taking pills so I would finally get pregnant. I remembered telling it about my plans of telling Ram that I already am and this time, it's for real. But everything was ruined when he arrived this morning to pack his clothes and told me that he will be filing for a divorce because Sara's back. "I don't know if I'll ever see you again," I spoke loudly as if the bed could hear me. "But thank you for all the years you've been with me. Thank you for the warmth you've given me every time I was cold because I was alone. Thank you for always listening to my pathetic and irritating cries. Thank you for taking care of me." I laughed at my craziness. I laughed hard that I was actually talking to a lifeless bed and even treated it as my best friend. I laughed and laughed until tears started falling from my eyes again. "Finally, I've decided to set you free, Ram. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain and for ruining your life but I hope that now that you're back with Sara, you will find a reason to smile, to laugh, and to be happy again. I'm sorry if I stole you away from her. I just loved you so much making me do the things I've done for you to end up with me. Don't worry, I won't do anything to ruin your life and happiness again. You won't see me again. But I promise, I will take care of our baby. I will give him all the love I had for you. And probably when the time is right, you two will meet each other. I hope you'll be able to accept him when the time comes. I love you, Ram, will always love you even if you would never love me back." I forced myself to sleep that night even if my heart was still throbbing in pain. I know before leaving, I still have many things to do and a lot of papers to sign. ... "Here are the divorce papers." One of our lawyers handed me the documents. I signed them as my parents watched grimly. "Are you sure you're giving him half of your shares in the company?" my Dad asked. "Yes, Dad. He deserves it. He worked hard for it." I saw my dad clenched his fist but didn't say anything more. The other lawyer gave me another set of papers to sign. The papers say about the percentage Ram will get from my shares because of our divorce. "Why do you have to leave, Grachelle? You know, you're always welcome back here," Mom was hurting for me, I can see it in her eyes. "I have to go to a place where I can move on and forget about him, Mom. Besides, I want to be far from the place which will always remind me of him. I'll be back once I'm strong enough, Mom, Dad." My voice was begging for her and my dad to understand and accept my decision. "I hope you won't regret this, Grachelle." Dad said as he looked intently at me. I shook my head. "My decision is final, Dad. Don't worry, I'll always call you. Every day if that's what you want." "Your flight will be two hours from now," Dad's secretary informed me. I gratefully smiled at her. "Then, I should be going now." "We'll bring you there," Dad said with finality. We went out of his office and as we were walking, a couple who were so sweet with each other were walking towards us. I was frozen at where I was forcing my parents to stop walking, too. The couple saw us and they abruptly stopped walking as well. They looked embarrassed but then after some minutes, continued walking towards us. "Good morning, Sir. I am resigning from my post as..." "You don't have to resign since you are now one of the shareholders of this company." I saw how his jaw dropped when he heard what my father said. Ram then looked at me with questions in his eyes. I looked at him then at Sara who was looking at me proudly. I returned my eyes at Ram. I forced myself to look strong in front of him. "I asked our lawyer to prepare our divorce paper yesterday and I just signed it this morning," I said with formality. "Grachelle..." "Have a happy life with the woman you will only love, Ram. And I'm sorry for bringing you to hell for the past three years. Sara, take care of him better than I did." The woman raised her head and smiled at me. "I will surely do." I didn't regret using the same words he told me yesterday when I saw how they changed the emotions in his eyes and how he swallowed hard when my parents' anger reflected in their eyes. I can see that he still wanted to say something but I already walked past him before my body could tremble in pain. Thankfully, my mom held my arm before I could fall on the floor.