My Plus-size Love

Chapter 15

I woke up feeling more restless than ever. I spent half the night looking up more about Derek Hyland and his acting career. I know what I should have done was ask him myself, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know more about him outside of everything I already knew. It is so hard not to fall head over heels for this guy.

In my research, I found out that he didn’t really talk much about his childhood. I found a few mentions of his mom but nothing about his dad. Based on what I read, I felt so privileged that he would even open up to me about his life and the struggles that he had with his dad, and the way that his mom passed away. I couldn’t find out a lot of information about his ex-girlfriend other than the scandal behind their breakup. I took it all with a grain of salt though, because I know how those tabloids make everything a story, even if there really is nothing to tell. He has acted in a few box office hits and some shows here and there, but I already knew about his appearances because I have always been such a fan.

That is the thing I was struggling with the most about this whole thing. He was a heartthrob to me, and I have always been obsessed with his work, but only ever as a fan. Now that I have to think about being in a relationship with him, I can’t even begin to imagine it. How can I separate the way I idolized him from now thinking about him as a potential partner? Every girl fantasies about being with her celebrity crush, but not a lot of people get to make that a reality. This is especially true for someone that is my size. I can’t compete with these barbie-figured models and actresses that are out of this world beautiful. In fact, some of them are ten times more beautiful than me and are the same age as my parents. It honestly blows my mind and makes me feel like I am two feet tall.

How can I ever expect to be accepted in his world? I know that there would be an outcry and disgust if anyone were to find out about us being in a relationship. I already struggle with my image and thinking about people picking apart who I am and how I look. I only imagine how it might do irreparable damage to my already poor self-image. It’s too much for me and now I wake up I feel like I was run over by a dumpster truck.

I struggled to get myself into the bathroom and went to wash my face when I paused and really took a good look in the mirror. I am not something to write home about to be completely honest. There are so many things about the way that I look that it is hard for me to begin with what I don't like. I can start with the way my chin doubles in on itself when I smile, how round my cheeks are, and there is no clear definition of where my jaw ends, and my neck starts. My nose is round and very pudgy, so my whole face looks like a round globe. I don’t necessarily have thin lips, but they aren’t thick and lush either. All in all, I have a face and body that no one would even look twice at. In fact, there is not anything about me that stands out at all. This is why I can’t understand what it is that Derek sees in me. I hope that when I ask him tonight, he doesn’t say that it is on the inside that counts, because we all know that isn’t true. Yeah, at first you might like someone for their character, but if you don’t find someone physically attractive, then forget it! Men will always cheat if they are not satisfied in this way. I don't mean to be cynical, but it is the truth, so many men do it nowadays that it has always been one of the things that have held me back from trying to find a relationship with someone. I am always afraid of being let down and being so damaged that I will remain single for the rest of my life. It doesn't help that I choose to remain a virgin until I marry. You want to talk about having two different aspects of myself that men find hard to accept and I want to be in a meaningful relationship with a man. Society today has made it hard to be people like me, having struggled with my weight, feelings of no self-confidence, and remaining pure until I find someone who is worthy of my body and soul.

I took one last look at myself and sighed out loud. It was about time I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got ready for my day. I had some cleaning that I needed to get done and I had to give Leo a dry bath with his foam waterless soap. I can’t be the only one that is miserable around here! I chuckled at my poor joke and called after Leo, wanting to get the worst of it out of the way.

I decided after doing some much-needed cleaning that I would go ahead and take a quick nap. If nothing else, Derek has thrown my sleeping schedule all out of whack. I am going to have to tell him all about it when he calls me this evening. I sat lying on my bed and cursed at the time. It was only half-past noon and I knew that Derek wouldn’t be done with work for another few hours at the very least. Just another thing to add to my checklist of disadvantages of being with him is his crazy work schedule. I know I shouldn’t look at it in that way, but I can’t help myself? How else can I look at every aspect of what a relationship with him would entail? I was just starting to close my eyes when I heard my phone go off.

“Ting” My hand shot to the left of my pillow where I had just set my phone and I quickly tried to unlock it so I could see who it was that messaged me. I keep my screen private unless it is unlocked. I smiled as soon as I saw his name.

D- Good evening beautiful, how has your day been so far?

C- It has been pretty good. I cleaned my house a little bit and gave Leo a bath.

D- Leo?

C- Yeah Leo! He is my black cat; he is honestly the greatest. You will love him!

D- Oh I will? Does that mean you have come to a decision and want to be with me? I had sent him that message without even thinking about what it was implicating.

C- I have given it some thought.

D- Oh?

C- I have honestly not come to a definitive decision. It is a lot to take in and I don’t know if I can accept everything that comes along with you. If it was just you, I wouldn’t even have a second thought. It is just your status that I must keep in mind.

D- I promise you that I will always try to protect you from that side of my life.

C- I don’t doubt that you would try, I just know that it is not something that you can promise will never happen. You are famous, you know.

D- I know, I love my job and I love how happy I make people. At the same time, it can be a lot to be consistently scrutinized by the public. I understand your hesitation. I only wish that you didn’t have to have such a hard time with my career.

C- I don’t want you to worry about that. I promise I haven’t made any decisions yet. I mostly just want to ask you questions tonight and talk to you about the way that I feel. Other than that, I know I want to be with you.

D- Really?

C- Yes, I do. I think that if we can just talk about it all it will make everything better. I will feel better about being with you.

D- Clarissa, you have no idea how happy that makes me. I will try even harder to try and quickly get through this day so I can hear your voice again. I have to get back to work though. I miss you.

C- I miss you too. I can’t wait to hear your voice again. My heart leaped at the way he said he missed me. I could feel my toes going numb and a smile crept upon my face. I fell asleep like that with the phone clinging to my chest. Little did I know that this feeling of happiness was going to be very short-lived.