Broken Faith

E4 - Coffee with him

I didn’t pick up the call. I couldn’t. I knew if I picked up the call, all the walls I built around myself would break free and I would start crying in front of him, which I didn’t want.

This is the first time in my life that I have intentionally disconnected his call. Never in my 15 years of marriage had I disconnected his call on purpose because I was never angry enough. My love was always more than my anger, or should I say my love was more than my fear of losing him. Why did I love him so much? I loved him more than myself, more than my self-respect.

*********************************

I went back to my hostel with all the memories of my engagement with Rudra. I was sad because I knew I had broken Vaibhav’s heart. I shouldn’t have called him in the 3rd year. I gave him hope that I might say yes to him. I know I am being selfish, but this is the truth: I don’t love him. I never did.

His question is still running wild in my mind. Why can’t I love him? Why is it that I am starting to like this man, Rudra, whom I met just a few days ago? What is it about him? Is he too handsome? No. Is he too tall? No. Is he an intelligent person? No, he is a software engineer. Is he a millionaire? No. They why? I don’t know.

But I know I like him. I start to feel butterflies when I see his number on my mobile. I feel my cheeks turning red when he flirts with me. And then after a few days of talking, he said it. I was in the hostel garden, having a mild walk after dinner when he called me.

“I like the moon, it’s a full moon today.”

“Yes, it’s beautiful.”

“Do you know any song about the moon?”

“Umm, there are a lot of songs.”

“Can you sing one of them? For me?”

I blushed because most of the songs related to the moon are romantic. I quickly asked someone crossing me, keeping my phone on mute. I didn’t want him to know I was asking someone. She suggested a song from “Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam” – Chand chupa badal me (The moon is hiding behind the clouds, why don’t you hide in my arms)

I sang that song for him. I finished and was waiting eagerly for his reaction. He didn’t give any and I panicked.

“Why did you sing that song?”

“I like this song.”

“I don’t think that’s the truth.”

“ OK, you caught me. I couldn’t remember a song and asked a girl passing by, she suggested this song.”

“You lied to me?”

“It’s not a lie.”

“A lie is a lie; can we talk later?” And he disconnected the call. I stood there blinking at what happened here. This was our first fight and the reason was so stupid. I decided to call him. Maybe he is paranoid about lies. So, I decided to tell him everything from now on.

“Yes.”

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to lie.”

“It’s ok. I don’t know what got over me. I… I guess I was overwhelmed.”

We talked for a while and then he said what I was not sure I was ready for.

“Sonali, I have something to say to you. I can't keep it to myself now.”

My heartbeat started racing.

“I should have said it the day I saw you at our engagement, but I didn’t want to scare you. I Love You Sonali. I really do. I don’t know if love at first sight exists or not, but when I saw you, my heart told me I can’t live without you. And that’s why I have to ask you, are you marrying me because you want to, or because your parents want you to?”

I didn’t say anything because I was still stuck at his – I Love You. I couldn’t hear anything else he said after those words. After a few seconds, I heard him.

“Hello?”

“Yes, sorry I .. sorry. What did you say after those words?”

“What words?”

“The words you said about you…” I paused, blushing hard.

“That I …..?”

“That I Love you” I almost whispered.

He chuckled and said, “I Love You too.”

“Hey, I wasn’t saying that. I was just repeating your words.”

“So, you don’t love me?”

“I never said that.”

“So, you love me?”

“I didn’t say that either.”

“Make you mind lady. Do you love me or not?”

“I… I guess I like you a lot. And when I say a lot, it means more than an infatuation. I wait for your calls, I wait for good morning replies, and good night messages. If I don’t get them, I get angry. So, yes, I Like you and you are starting to have a good hold on me. I have started seeing life with you. I want to be with you, I want to meet you. I want to be the person you like the most. And I do get jealous when you talk about your colleagues, but I don’t know if this is love or not.” I took a breath after saying all this non-stop.

“Wow, umm.. God, I … I just wish I was there; I wish you would have told me in front of my eyes. God.. it’s killing me. I just want to …. F**k, this is hard. To hear this over the phone. Can I come to meet you?"

"What, no?"

“Why not? I am dying to see you. Don’t you want to see me?”

“I do want to see you, but you can’t just start your car and come here. I live in a girl’s hostel, and what about your office?”

“Ok. You will have to say it all again when I meet you. And then I want to hear you say magic words.”

“I will.”

“How am I going to live till then?”

I laughed hearing him. This is the first time I am actually happy hearing someone’s confession. And I am liking it. The way he twisted my words into my confession. We talked some more and then I went to sleep.

The next day, when I was in college, I saw his text.

From Rudra: What is the color of your hostel building?

Me: What kind of question is this?

From Rudra: I asked for color. What’s so funny about it? But isn’t it blue?

My eyes widened reading his text. How did he know my hostel color? I don’t think I told him about my hostel.

Me: How do you know about my hostel building color?

From Rudra: I am not color blind. If I am standing in front of a building, I think I can see what color it is. Wink

Me: You are standing, does that mean? Oh my god. You are here, aren’t you?

From Rudra: Why don’t you come out and see if I am here or not, and if I am, then how impatient I am. How much am I waiting for you.

I stood up the second I read this and that grabbed the attention of my lecturer.

“Is there a problem, Sonali?”

Shit. I closed my eyes and thought for a second. “Yes, there is. Can I go outside?”

“Can you share with the class what this problem is? Or I guess we can just take the mobile.”

I quickly gave the mobile to my friend sitting next to me, who read Rudra’s messages and deleted them. The lecturer couldn’t find anything. Thanks, Neha.

“Sir, she can share with the class, not with you. Girl problem.” I smiled when Neha told this to our sir and he hurriedly went back motioning me to go out of the class. I rushed towards the door. The main door to the hostel was almost half a km from my college and I started running, realizing he was standing in front of my hostel. I was imagining him and then I saw him.

There he was. Grey t-shirt, blue jeans. His hair was messed up because of the wind. He was wearing blue goggles, so I didn’t know if he was looking at me or somewhere else.

But then he started walking towards me and I stopped in my tracks. He was walking toward me and I was so conscious. But then I was angry. I told him not to come, is he mad? My expressions changed immediately. It was a 10-hour drive.

“Hello to you too.” He looked at me and smiled, removing his goggles at the same time, and I realized I was ogling him. My anger was long gone. God, it’s so embarrassing.

“Hi.”

“Coffee?”