Nothing's Guaranteed

“You must always find a reason to disagree with me, huh?” “If I don’t, who will?” My mom smiles over at my dad and I see him roll his eyes in the rear view mirror. I observe my mom grab my dad’s hand and intertwine their fingers. Their love is so great, so raw and pure. One day I hope to share something just as great with someone else. "Was there ever a time you guys could not stand being around each other?" I see my dad meet my eyes in the mirror and then he looks over at my mom. She turns to face me with a smile. “Baby, when I first met your father he was so annoying and did not know how to take no for an answer. I had a boyfriend and everything, but he absolutely refused to leave me alone.” “Syd, your mom was dating this asshole. Some grade A jock. She did not need that cliche ruining her life. She needed someone fun and spontaneous, not someone so boring.” I snort at my dad’s honesty, but my mom scoffs. “Ruin my life? Come on, Jamal was not about to ruin my life.” “So you're telling me everything we have gone through together would have been just as enjoyable with a Jamal.” I bust out laughing and it is my mom’s turn to roll her eyes. “I am not making fun of your taste in guys back then, we were young, but come on. Jamal was the last guy I ever saw you creating a future with. Mostly because I wanted you to create one with me.” I see my dad wink at her and my mom starts to blush. She looks out her window and I fall in love with their relationship once again. My mom can talk for days about any and everything. My countless attempts to render her speechless have failed repeatedly, but somehow my dad always finds a way to stop any words from escaping her. And part of me knows that it is not what he is saying alone. The way she feels about him affects her actions as well. The fact my dad still compliments her and works to make her feel special even this far into their marriage makes me excited. It leaves hope in my soul that someone could even love the train wreck that is me. “So mom, what made you change your mind and realize that you really liked him?” "One night Jamal and I got into an argument and he left me stranded at one of the popular diners back then. Your father was there with his friends, and as they were leaving I was standing outside looking helpless and angry. He offered to give me a ride home, but we ended up sitting and talking for hours. About everything. Since that night he has been my little baby love ever since." I watch my mom pinch my dad's cheek and shake it in the way that he hates. He snatches his face from her and pouts as he rubs his now sore cheek. My mom laughs and I just shake my head. My parents act so silly together, but I love to watch them interact, even when they are arguing. They are like best friends. I feel my little cousin start to stir beside me and I try to control my laughter until she settles down again. "Maybe we should calm down before we wake up China." "She needs to wake up anyways. She has been asleep the entire time." My mom turns around in her seat just enough to get a look at my sleeping cousin. And shakes her head. We're on the way to our family reunion in Maine. We live in Chicago, so we're not too far, but it's still a pretty long drive. I love road trips because that seems to be the time my family is the happiest. We have no choice but to put up with each other because there is nowhere for anyone to go even when they are annoyed with everyone else in the car. China is always the first to get fed up with all of our talking. Especially when she is trying to watch a movie or anything and my parents won’t stop asking her questions. We're all stuck in a car together just enjoying each other's company and enjoying good music. China changes positions and her head is now in my lap. I watch her sleep for a moment and it almost starts to make me get a little sleepy. I just lay my head back and try to hold my eyes open as I take in the sights. All I see is a few buffalo every now and then and horses, but there's mostly grass. I feel my eyes begin to grow heavy...I try to fight my sleep, but I'm having no luck. Part of it is coming from the peaceful view. Another part is coming from the soft music my parents are playing on the radio up front. Another part is the already sleeping China in my lap. Eventually I feel myself lose the fight and position my head more comfortably against the car window. * * * * * There is a sudden jerk in my entire body. My eyes shoot open from the sound of my mom calling my dad's name. Instantly I grab for China as our car begins  spiraling out of control. I hear China screaming her head off as she squeezes my arm and I shut my eyes hoping and praying that we make it out of this alive. The spinning feels like it will never end and every new loop the car makes around my grip on China tightens even more for fear of the possibility that I could lose her. The spinning eventually stops but only because our car has hit something big and all four wheels are off the ground. The impact was not immediate, but crept up on us like a predator. The sea of black that clouded my mind felt like I would finally be relieved and awoken from this horrible nightmare. Instantly, I was back in the car on the drive up to Maine. My parents are joking around like usual and China is sound asleep beside me. I knew that couldn’t have been real. It was all just a dream. A terrible dream. “You guys I just had the craziest dream.” As if a word has not left my lips, my parents completely ignore me. I repeat myself figuring they did not hear me, but even at a louder volume I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. I reach for my mom and I poke her to get her attention. The finger to shoulder contact doesn't phase her. In fact she shifts more in the opposite direction, and it seems like she shifts her body on purpose. I slowly bring my hand back by my side in confusion. When I shift my focus to my father he too shifts in the opposite direction of my gaze. An overwhelming feeling of hurt washes over me as I look between both of my parents confused. I sit back in frustration and look over at China to see if she is just as confused as I am. When I look over at my cousin the sight causes me to jump back into the passenger door in shock. “Help me, Sydney.” Her body is covered in dirt and scratches. “How did this happen to you, China?” “Help me.” She repeats herself but this time she does not stop. Each time she says it her tone gets a little more louder until she is full blown shouting at me. The fear that takes over my body is overwhelming. What is happening to my cousin? China’s outbursts finally cause my parents to turn around to see what all the commotion is about. I notice their bodies are covered in scratches similar to China’s. What is going on? How is everyone scratched up but me. I look down at my hands and I see similar scratches running up my arms and down my legs. What is going on? “Sydney!” China shouts my name even though I am sitting right beside her. I do whatever I can to show her that she has my attention but she does not stop. My mind starts to get cloudy and a tremendous pain shoots through both of my legs. An agonizing cry escapes my lips and when I look to my parents for clarity they are still looking at me with blank and silent stares. “You guys, China needs help! Do something!” I yell at my parents out of frustration but they continue to stare at me. Their gaze is blank and unbothered. Almost as if mentally they have escaped from this agonizing moment. The pain in my legs becomes more and more relentless by the second. The more I move and cry out for help, the more my legs hurt and begin to weigh me down. I look down and see that there is nothing wrong with my legs, but the pain within them is so real. My confusion reaches a new level as I try to handle the pain clouding my thoughts and China’s consistent calling of my name in the background. Suddenly there is a ringing in my ears that does nothing to relieve me of the mental and physical stress my body is undergoing. I let go of my legs and cover my ears with both hands, but the ringing does not get blocked out. In fact, the constant ringing slowly becomes inevitable to avoid and is too much for me. My vision blurs and my parents are still frozen in the same spot, but I can see their figures sitting in front of me. Because China is the only one speaking I reach out for her but my hand never finds her before the blackout. I take in a gasp of air and find myself facing the sky. I can't feel my legs and I can feel warm blood coating my head along the edges. What is happening? There is a ringing in my ears that makes it hard to focus on my surroundings. I work to lift my head and bite my lip in order to help me ignore the sharp pain that shoots to my head. Where is my family? What could have caused our car to completely topple over? "Sydney!" I hear my name but I cannot identify whose voice it is. They call my name again and I realize it is China. Adrenaline rushes through my body as I instantly wonder if she is hurt, or lost, or if someone is trying to hurt her during a time of weakness. I wonder if she is scared and feels alone. I must get up off of this ground. I start lifting myself off the ground, but the pain outweighs any efforts I have. My body crashes back to the ground and the impact sends another sharp pain up my legs and throughout my torso. I lay back down in defeat and rely on my voice to reach out to China. "China." It comes out soft and weak. I catch my breath and call for her again. “China, I am over here!” This time it is louder and she calls back to me. “Sydney! Help me please!” Her voice turns to fear and I know I have to fight my way off the ground for the sake of my cousin. Something is wrong, and I do not know where my parents are, but I need to help her. She needs me. I try to send this to my body before I make another attempt at lifting myself off the ground. I roll over on my back and prepare myself to lift up gradually. 1...2...3...I lift off my back and sit up straight. Every bone in my torso aches and makes my body feel internally inflamed. I ignore the pain and prepare to get up on my feet. My legs feel like noodles as I try to create stability for myself on my own two feet. After a couple of attempts I realize that walking might not be a possibility for me. I ponder dragging myself to wherever she is. “Where are you, China?” I build the muscle to yell out to her again. I need to let her know that I am here and making my way to her as quickly as I can. "In the car!" I look at my surroundings trying to see where I am. We are still along the highway but I have been completely separated from the car. I assess my legs and one is definitely broken for sure. China needs me right now though so I work to find a way to her. I fight against the pain and try to work myself up off the ground again. Although my other leg is not broken it is definitely severely injured. Somehow I want to find a way to find enough balance on my semi-good leg and work my way over to China. I act quick before my body can have a chance to give out. I hop up and grit my teeth at the pain that shoots up my more stable leg. My broken one drags somewhat beside me and I make my way towards the car. The effort to lift myself up leaves my vision a little blurry and enhances the ringing in my ears. Okay, I just need to focus on finding China. “China, I am coming!” I call out to her and start to limp around the mess of metal and car parts. I see a car sitting on the side of the road that looks pretty messed up. That must be who hit us. I look at their car and the ringing in my ear increases. I cry out in pain and almost fall back to the ground, but I catch myself with my arms. “Sydney, help me! Please.” I follow the sound of China’s voice and it comes from over the edge of the highway, where I cannot really see. I make my way to the edge and there is our car sitting on its side. Panic races through my body and my adrenaline is up and running again. I instantly step over the side of the road and roll down to our car. As soon as I reach the car I can see that China remains in the backseat but only because she is stuck. "I can't get out. Sydney please help me." She's crying and I feel the fear behind her touch as she grabs my wrist. I have to figure out a way to get her out. I do a quick overview of how the car has her locked in. Her arm is lodged between the two front seats holding her tight in place. If I can push one of the seats back long enough, she will have enough space  to free her arm. "Okay China, I'm going to push this seat up long enough for you to quickly remove your arm. I won’t be able to hold it long so you will have to move as fast as you can.” She nods her head to let me know she understands and I prepare myself physically and mentally for the pain my body is about to experience. “Three...two...UGHHH!" It takes all of my strength and then some to free her long enough that she can release her arm. Once she has slid her arm out I let go of the seat and help her maneuver her way out of the car. Once I have her completely out of the car I fall back in defeat. There is no more energy left in me to help anyone else, or let alone find my parents. "Syd, are you okay?" I look over at China and she is looking at me with a concerned look on her face. "I'm---I'm fine. Are you hurt? Is anything broken?” “No, I am fine.” She crawls over to me and I see her looking at my leg. "China, try to go find mom and dad. Look everywhere and make sure they are okay. Be safe." She gets up even though she looks reluctant about leaving me alone. She walks off and starts calling for my parents. I don’t hear any voices calling back to her and pretty soon she is back by my side. “Syd, I don’t see them.” I can see the fear in her eyes. She is shaking and I want to console her but it is becoming hard to breathe, and the ringing in my ears is beginning to grow louder. “Keep looking, you have to find-find them. Th-they will know what to do.” My head becomes heavy, and holding it up becomes more and more unbearable by the minute. My vision begins to blur but I fight against the blackout. I can't leave China alone, I just can't. She looks so scared and she is so small. I must do everything I can to protect her. I hear China begin to cry and I rub my hand up and down her back. Eventually holding my eyes open starts to feel like an impossible job. China starts shaking me, telling me to fight and stay awake. The fight has already been lost, and I slowly slip into unconsciousness. When I wake up at the hospital everything has to be explained to me. Turns out when I got China out of the backseat my parents’ bodies were laying under the car. They had flown out of the front of the car and landed on the ground before our car did, causing them to have been crushed and they died upon impact. China came out with a sprained arm but everything else was in tact. My leg was surely broken, along with a couple of ribs, and a bone fracture on my skull. There was overwhelming pain in my body, a spiritual one, when the doctor told me that my parents had died. For hours I sat in awe, waiting for this to be another nightmare that eventually I would wake up from. My grieving process was short, but I had never felt a greater pain in my life. I did nothing but cry for a week. No food. Nothing to drink. I spent about two days in the hospital after I woke up. My grandma was on a plane and by my side within the same day the hospital alerted her. When she took China and I home my grieving process begin. I just cried and cried until the tears would not come anymore. I bawled until I felt hollow on the inside. Until the pain numbed itself. The days ran together and I could not keep track of whether it was Monday or Thursday. Then one day I walked out of my room, went into the kitchen, made me some food, and continued on with my life. Just like turning on a light switch I snapped out of my depressive state. The obvious was that crying would not bring my parents back and I still had a life to live outside of their death. They would not want me to spend the rest of my life grieving over them. They would actually be very disappointed if that is how I did spend my life. Utilizing everyday as a reminder of their death and why my life sucks, but I was not raised that way. China and I have been staying with our grandmother ever since. She has helped me so much and she always keeps my parents’ memory alive. Every night that I sat in my room crying she held me close to her. She never said anything, she just held me, sang to me, and took in the silence around us. I knew she was hurting too and I could tell she was being strong for me. We formed a very strong bond and living with her made me happy. I had never been very close to her before then, but after their death she was like my best friend. Staying happy with her in Florida did not last long. She grew sick. At first it started with a cold but then grew worse. I wanted to stay and help take care of her, but I have school and China to think about as well. It pained me so much to leave her all alone by herself, but it was never my choice to begin with. Now we will be living our new lives in Chicago with Chasity. Too many memories in that city and I'm almost too afraid to go back, because it seems that everyone that has to take care of me ends up fading from my life. Whether it's quickly, or slowly. Hopefully we can keep tragedy out of our lives while we are there.