Ghost

CHAPTER 14

Hindi ako makapaniwalang pinatulan ko ang hamon ni Benedict. He'll think that I'm just an easy lay that he can fvck anytime. Honestly, I feel pain down there and I can't move my legs. Matagal na kasi akong celibate at ganun pala ang pakiramdam, para kang virgin ulit. I felt myself physically hurting at namumula ang labi ko sa mga kagat niya. My legs are jelly and my arms are bruising. Pagdadahilan ko na lang ay naaksidente ako kahapon sa bandang batuhan.

Hindi ako nakasama sa medical mission ngayon. Nagkasakit kasi ako sa sobrang pagod hindi dahil sa ginawa namin ni Benedict pero dahil sa nabinat ako at grabe ang trabaho kahapon. Hindi kaya bg interbet abf Facetime kaya naman hanggang calls lang kami ni Anthony. Siguro kaya ko pa naman ang walang internet na sandali.

"Grabe, daming bata. Kawawa talaga, my heart was breaking. Buti na lang pala madaming nagdonate ng dugo kasi nga yung iba sa transfusion talaga nakaasa." I told Anthony while munching a bar of Ritter sport in yoghurt flavor.

"Kaya nga galingan mo dyan at baka naman OA ang trabaho mo kaya ka nabinat? Ingat ka naman dyan at wala ako para bantayan ka. Remember, hindi pwedeng nakaasa ka kay Dawn. Siya na nga ang babysitter mo eh."

"Tse! Matanda na ako at hello, mas mataas ako sayo nang di hamak sa mock examinations." Natawa lang siya at narinig ko si Kayla at Mark sa background.

"Oh shet! Miss ko na si bakla! Bigay mo yung phone." I heard footsteps on the other line at narinig kong si Mark na nga ang nasa linya.

"Mare! Kamusta ang Palawan? Maraming pogi?"

"Gaga! Puro batang may dengue at nga matatandang matataas ang blood pressure ang meron dito. Kawang-gawa ang ginagawa dito, hindi kawang-landi!"

"Sorry naman mare! Teka nga pala, nasaan na ba yung charger mong extra? May nagnakaw yata bg charger ko sa male quarters kahapon. Mga dukha kasi amputa."

"Loka! Ask Anthony to lend his. Nagbibintang ka kaagad, mamaya burara ka lang pala." Natawa ako at namiss ko ang boses ng mga kaibigan ko. They really make me happy.

"Nakakaasar lang kasi walang internet at di ko macheck ang i********: ko. Asar talaga at hindi ko pa nakikita yung emails ko. Balak ko kasi magparticipate pa rin sa clinical trials. Sayang kaya ang interview na dinaanan ko doon!" Laking pagmamayabang ko pa.

"I know at ako nga bagsak sa interview eh pati... si Kayla." Wait, boses lalaki ang narinig ko. Si Mark pa ba ang kausap ko? This is so weird. Anyways, dapat maitanong ko yung ipapabili niya.

"Anong gusto mong souvenir? Gusto no ng bag, shirt or keychain? Wala masyadong delicacies dito na mabibili eh, tsaka till Friday lang ako dito kasi nga sa first batch ako ng babalik dyan. Magrereport pa ako sa Chief ng pediatrics para sa assessment kahapon."

"Tshirt na lang, white ha." What happened? Bakit naging boses lalaki si Mark at nagtatawanan si Kayla at Anthony?

"Bakla, okay ka lang?" I asked.

"O... Okay lang. Basta white atsaka ako na bahala sa charger. Ingat ka, Cassie. Bye."

"Bye!" Then the line went dead. Bakit ganun? Hindi mare ang tawag niya? Biglang naging Cassandra? That gay is getting weird. Di kaya nagiging lalaki na siya? Oh noes. Hindi naman siguro kasi mas malandi pa siya sa akin at nandidiri siya kapag nakikita akong nakahubad, as in hubad na hubad!

I heard a knock and it's Benedict with a brown paper bag. I looked at him with tires eyes (as usual) and stood up to face him properly. He just smiled and collapsed on the bed I was sitting.

"I brought food. Hindi ka pa kumakain. Your Dawn is flirting with someone else named Margaret the doctor." Then he smiled like nothing happened yesterday at the children's comfort room. Grabe nakakahiyang maalala ang poster ng how to wash your hands properly!

"Thanks and you need to leave. Matutulog pa ako gigising ulit mamaya to make the assessment report. I'm tired, please get out." I told him but he won't get up. Instead, he hugged my pillow and sniffed it like he enjoys it very much.

"Benedict! Bingi ka?!"

"Hoy!!!!" I tried pulling him away fromthe bed pero hinatak niya lang ako sa tabi niya. He hugged me and... is he cuddling me? He hated that way back few years ago. Si Annie lang daw ang ika-cuddle niya. I hated that bitter memory.

"Stop.. doing this." I felt his lips on ny nape and his arms around me like chains. Mahigpit ang pagkakayakap niya like he doesn't want to let me go. Kung dati niya lang 'to ginawa, sana hindi namatay ang kalahati ng pagkatao ko.

"I can't. I can't. Just don't speak and let me do things. I wont force you into s****l activity. I just want to smell you." Smell me? I can't move. Siguro nga totoong tanga ang puso. Now I believe all the cliches I read in Harlequin Romances. Totoo ngang naba-blangko ka kapag nakakaramdam ka ng katangahan.

Yes, I call love 'katangahan'. A part of me died when he rejected me, but why am I letting him do this to me? Tama bang malunod na naman ako sa pagmamahal? All my life, I tried looking for Benedict's replacement pero bakit walang binigay sa akin? I tried dating pero all things I did aren't that good enough for my heart to find another keeper.

"Remember that night? You rejected me and I cried... And I died. Why do you have to come back and haunt me again? Why do you have to hurt me? Wala akong kasalanan sayo. Ikaw ang kumuha ng lahat sa akin. You took all my firsts, Benedict. Wala ka bang konsensya?" Naramdaman kong hunigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin. He remained quiet and still sniffing my hair.

"Stop this madness, Benedict. Bitawan mo na ako! Ayoko na..." I started crying really hard and all he did is to embrace me and sniff my hair. Naiinis na nga ako pero hindi magawang magalit. Kung anong itinapang ko sa ospital, siyang inilambot ko when it comes to him and only him.

"You can't maje me go away. Kadikit na ako ng bituka mo. You have to live your forever with me, Cassandra. You have no choice."

I sniffed. "Gago walang forever..." Sagot ko habang humihikbi at humigpit lang ang pagkakayakap niya. I felt him hugging me really tight. Nakakaadik ang samyo na nanggagaling sa kanya. That distinct smell is provocative enough to kiss him really hard. Mali, pero hindi ko mapigilan.

Sasabog na ang dibdib ko sa kaba. His leg is draped on me, locking ny body to prevent me from escaping. I missed him so much and God knows how much I prayed to see him kahit muntik ko nang ikamatay.

Then everything went blank as I cry myself to sleep while he's beside me.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Ang lakas ng sigawan. Kita ko mula sa gate namin ang pag-aaway nila Benedict at Annie. I've never seen him so mad at her at never kong naimagine na nagagalit siya kay Annie. By the looks of him, halatang alam na niya ang something between Annie and Anton Lee. Damn, this is so scandalous. Buti na lang at gabi na, tsaka corner lot sila Annie. She's few block away from ours.

Pinagbababato ni Benedict ang dala niyang bulaklak at nakita kong sinapak niya ang pader. He didn't even reacted by the pain it's as if he's numb. Annie is crying but she's shouting at him too. Ngayon ko lang din siya nakitang nagagalit nang ganito. This is the first tine I saw their dark sides. Sa pagkakakita ko, it's like Benedict want to physically hurt Annie. Ngayon pa nila naisipan mag-away eh malapit nang umalis si Benedict papuntang Standford to take up his PhD. Nagwalk out si Annie habang umiiyak. She's covering her face while running back inside their house.

I opened the gate while barefooted and walked towards Benedict. Nakasuot lang ako ng itim na boxers at white spaghetti straps. Kahit malamig, lumabas ako para lang makita siya. I want to make sure that he's okay; that he isn't crying over anything. I tapped his back while he's sitting on the pavement.

"Hey."

He slowly turned around. "Cassandra? Why are you here? Ang lamig, bakita yan lang ang suot mo?" He stood up and have his hoodie to me. Ngayon ko lang narealize kung ano ang itsura ko. I am almost naked! Oo nga, sobrang lamig.

Pulang-pula ang mukha ni Benedict sa sobrang kalasingan. He's mestizo so that tomato face is easy to achieve with just a shot of tequila. Naiiyak pa rin siya. I've never seen him cry.

"I accidentally heard everything, nagkataon kasing kausap ko si kuya Earl sa telepono kanina tapos... I heard someone shouting. I'm sorry." Then he placed his hands on my shoulders with his eyes looking miserable fell on me.

"Okay lang. Well guess what, St. Annie cheated on me. Gusto niya akong hiwalayan para kay Anton Lee! Tangina, ginagao ako." I hugged him and he hugged me back. His tears are freely falling on ne neck and he cried really hard. Who would break a good man like Benedict? Tanga na siguro ang saktan ang katulad niya.

"I'm... sorry. Don't cry." I felt his arms getting tighter around my waist. I felt quite awkward dahil almost naked ang feeling ko at para bang sinasamantala ni Benedict. He reeked of alcohol.

"You should go home and rest. Lasing ka na, tara hatid na kita." Hindi siya kumawala sa pagkakayakap sa akin. Basta hinigpitan niya pa lalo at feeling ko lips na niya ang nasa leeg ko. Hindi naman siguro. He's not like that. Hindi niya ako gagawan ng kahalayan dahil sobranh gentleman ni Benedict. He always treats me with care and sincerity. Dala lang siguro ito ng kalasingan.

But suddenly, his hands went to the sides of my waist. He's kissing my neck. I'm pushing him hard but he's stronger.

"S-stop it, kuya."

"I want you now. Go home with me..." Then he dragged me to their house while my feet are getting cuts from the stuff you can find in the street. His grasp is too hard to break from and I'm trying to break free.

"No, Benedict. We're friends, right? Please don't do this. Please. I beg you." Then I heard him taking out the keys on his bedroom and opened it. He tossed me on the bed and locked the room. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang nagsasalita siya about kung paano siya ginago. Sana pala sinabi ko na lang sa kanya ang totoo.

Is giving him all of me will compensate for all the lies I hid from him? Will my sins be paid by offering my everything to him?

"Please... Cassandra. I wanna be inside you. Make me feel good. Make me feel awesome. Take the pain away..." He cried really hard against my stomach and tears are falling really fast. I feel his pain. Ganito rin ang naramdaman ko nang maging silang dalawa ni Annie. Four months pa lang sila pero problema na agad. He is even willing to give up Stanford, pero sinira ni Annie ang lahat. He is the perfect guy for her and she ruined him.

"Okay, take me and I will take the pain away. I love you. Don't cry." I hugged him and kissed him on the lips. He placed his right hand on my nape and the other hand is caressing my face. His breathing is rugged. His breath is hot like the summer sunshine. I felt his swear all over his face, hindi na namin nai-turn on ang air conditioning.

Slowly, he removed his white shirt. He kissed my collarbones down to my cleavage until I heard the sound of my unclasping brassiere. He already accessed my naked top. His tongue trails from cleavage to my bellybutton. Every touch of our skin ignites the unfamiliar feeling. Kinakabahan ako, hindi pa ako nagkakaboyfriend. He took all the firsts I can have.

First kiss.

First make out session.

First hickey.

First lip bite.

First tongue kiss.

First nail marks.

First love.

First s****l i*********e.

I woke up in his white satin sheets. Hindi ako makakilos. Naninigas ang mga binti ko. Hindi yata ako makakalakad. Naramdaman kong mabigat ang pakiramdam ko. I saw his arm draped on my waist.

I slowly removed his arm at halatang tulog na tulog siya. His breathing is really deep.

Blood. There are bloodstains on his bed. Maraming dugo. I tried to stand up an I saw marks all over me. I have bruises on my legs, arms and especially the one beside my lips. Halatang pinanggigilan niya ako.

I wore my clothes and I borrowed a white shirt from Benedict. Hiniram ko rin ang tsinelas niya. I need to leave before he wakes up. Ayokong ma-awkward kaming dalawa dahil lang sa ginawa namin... iyon.

Alam ko naman, ginawa na nila ni Annie iyon. Nung nasa Palawan kami, rinig ko lahat ng ungol nila. Nainggit ako, pero mali eh. Hindi dapat ito nangyari. Hindi ko dapat hinayaang mangyari sa amin ito. Ako ang sober, pero ako pa ang pumayag.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto niya ng suot-suot ang malaki niyang tsinelas. Nakita ko ang daddy niya at ngumiti sa akin.

"Oh hija, nakailan naman kayo?" Namula ang pisngi ko sa init.

"I-ilang ano po? "

"Movies. Adik kayo laging manuod eh. Teka nga pala, kumain tayo. Nasa baba na ang tita Marga mo at may nilutong tocino. Gising na ba si Benedict?" Tanong niya pa.

"Tulog na tulog po. Di ko na ginising. Pagod po yata siya eh tapos... Nagmovie marathon pa kami." Nginitian ko na lang siya.

"Ah sige po. Wow, nagluto talaga si tita ah."

"Kasi alam kong nag-away ang lovebirds kaya nga nagprepare ako ng breakfast para man lang gumanda ang feeling ni Benben ko, kaso tulog na tulog pa pala. Malamang umiyak yan. Ano kaya ang nangyari? Sobrang good boy ng anak ko. Sobrang good girl din ni Annie.

"Hindi... ko po alam kung anong nangyari." Biglang tumayo si tita sa kinauupuan niya at tiningnan ang mukha at mga pasa ko sa braso. I saw her gasp in horror.

"Que horror! Anong nangyari sayo? Saan ka naman naaksidente? May umaway ba sayo?!"

"Tita, wala po. Nagbike ako kahapon tapos nasemplang kaya ito minalas." Damn, you are such a smooth liar, Cassandra. Hindi ko matingnan sa mata si tita Marga.

"Naku, hindi ka pa naman sobrang athletic. Papasama ka lagi kay Benedict para nagbike, tsaka ang pale mo hija. Kumain ka na nga tsaka gagawan kita ng juice. Honey, tawagin mo na si Benedict at may aasikasuhin pa siya sa form sa Stanford. He needs to email everything that needs to be sent." Nakita kong tumayo na si tito.

Paano kung makita niya ang ayos ng kwarto? Lagot kami. Naku paano na kaya 'to?

"Kumain ka na hija, alam kong wala ang mommy mo sa bahay niyo. Next month pa balik niya from Austria, right? Naku, kawawa naman kayong magkapatid. I'll make sure na makakakain kayo lagi. Busy kasi ako nung last week. Mamaya dito na kayo magdinner." Tapos tumayo si tita para gawan ako ng juice.

May naramdaman akong presensya sa likuran ko. I stiffened.

Si Benedict iyan sigurado ako. He quietly sat beside me on his white shirt and black pajamas. Nakasuit siya ng salamin at seryosong kumakain. Hindi ko yatang kaya kumain na kasama siya. Nakakaramdam ako pandidiri sa sarili ko. I feel ashamed of myself by taking advantage of a drunk heartbroken man. Hindi gawain ng matinong babae ang ginawa ko.

I stood up and and was about to leave pero hinawakan niya yung kamay ko. Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin pero seryoso siya. Umupo ulit ako at binitawan na niya yung kamay ko.

"Kumain na nga kayo. Heto na juice mo, Cassandra. Benben, there's your coffee." Umupo na si tita Marga at kumain na kami ng umagahan.

Nilapit ni Benedict ang ulo niya sa akin at bumulong.

"We'll talk, and I want another round." Nanlaki ang mata ko at naibuga ko tuloy ang juice. Tiningnan naman ako ng parents ni Benedict. I just smiled and continue eating my breakfast. Binilisan ko talaga para makaalis kaso naunahan pa rin ako ni Benedict.

"May aayusin lang kami ni Cassandra sa bahay nila, ma. Doon muna kami. Wala naman na kasibg paaok." Tumayo ako at hawak-hawak niya ang braso ko. Kinakabahan ako kasi firsf time ko makita ang aggressive side ni Benedict. He's terrifying.

"Kuya... kalimutan na lang natin iyon." Sabi ko nang makarating kami ng kwarto ko. Anthony is still sleeping at nagluluto pa lang ang mga katulong.

"Is that something that easy to forget? We need to monitor you, baka mabuntis kita pero gusto ko pa ulit ng isa!" Then he collapsed on my bed. Niyakap niya ang stuffed toy kong minnie mouse.

"H-ha? Bakit naman gusto mo pa ng isa eh... may girlfriend ka naman? Bakit ako pa eh parang... magkapatid na tayo?" He just stared at me and smiled.

"Hindi ko rin alam. When we're doing it, I felt different. I felt at ease. Ikaw ba, hindi mo na-enjoy?" He stood up and examined my body by slowly touching my neck.

"You have love bites. Your lips are bruising and your arms as well." Then he gently pressed his lips on mine.

And that started a physical relationship swimming in sins.