Ghost

CHAPTER 2

"He's here... and he's back." Napatigil si Anthony sa pagkain ng dinner habang nakatingin sa akin. My tears are falling so fast. When was the last time I cried? Parang hindi ko na yata maalala. It's as if life is testing me again. Nakapagsimula na ako ng bagong buhay pero bakit ba bumabalik ang lahat sa akin? Why did he need to come back? Why here? Bakit sa dinami-daming ospital at sa FMC pa siya nagawi! Pucha namang buhay 'to.

"I need to go somewhere far, kuya. He's going to make me remember every dark corner my past. He's... despicable." Then I'm crying again like I can't breathe. Basta ang alam ko lang, I need to cry like I have a whole river to fill. I feel hurt, dejected, and lonely knowing I had a past.

The monster came back. This time I have no chance to redeem myself. Ilang gabi akong nananaginip na pinapatay siya at pinapatay ang sarili ko. I want to bury him so bad but at the same time, natatakot ako. natatakot akong saktan siya. 

But still I want him dead. I've been thinking on many ways how could I kill him. Guillotine? Hanging? How?

"Don't cry, ako ang bahala. No one has to know about the past, kaya nga may tattoo 'yang right wrist mo. It says 'Dignity', kaya pangalagaan mo ang dignidad mo, Cass. 'Wag kang papatalo. Stay in FMC at ipakita mong kaya mo na. Don't mind him, kasi kaya ko siyang ipaTanggal knowing na family friend natin ang mga Falcon. Don't worry, sis. If he ever fvcking make a move, sisiguraduhin kong matatanggalan siya ng lisensya." He hugged me tight and I hugged back like my life depends on it.

"Touché, Cass." My brother added.

"May problema... kasi si Mark nakipagpalit sa akin. Sa E.R. na ako bukas ng gabi, paano na 'yun? 'Di ko pwedeng bawiin kasi mahihirapan tayo sagutin. Sh*t! Ayoko na maalala ang katangahan ko, Tony. Ayoko na siyang maalala. Ayoko nang maalala lahat ng kabobohan at kabaliwan ko. He's a reminder of my dark days, brother. He reminds me of my dark side." My dark side. My dark past. He is a ghost. He haunts my sleep. He kills me every night. I kill him every night.

"You don't have a dark side, Cass. He's just a rotten person. Magsama sila ng bobitang Annie na 'yun at magpakasaya tayong magkakaibigan. You have our backs, Cass. Totoo ang mga kaibigan natin at hindi sila tulad ng dati nating barkada. All of them are good influence, kaya nga dapat mas maging confident ka pa. Kaya mo siyang harapin dahil matalino ka. Top 8 ka nga sa exams, right? I believe in you." I hugged my brother as he brushes my hair with his fingers.

"I don't want mom to know, she'll go hysterics. Ayoko sanang makadagdag sa stress niya sa negosyo natin and she's happy in Austria with her siblings. Ayokong mastress lang siya. Natrauma siya dahil sa nangyari noon." I sniffed and he handed me a box of Kleenex at pinaupo ako sa sofa.

How can a monster make me cry this bad?

"He's a jerk, and you have to fight him with your determination. Hindi ka magagalit pero ipakita mong wala siyang halaga sa'yo like he never existed before our lives. In that way, lalo siyang magi-guilty dahil ginago ka niya. Kung ako siguro ang nakakita sa kanya malamang binasag ko na ang pagmumukha nung gagong Benedict na 'yun. Hayop siya." I sniffed again.

"Thanks, twinnie. I hate this feeling, pakiramdam ko hindi ako makahinga. "

"Breathe. Kaya mo 'yan."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Hindi ko man gustong aminin pero naiilang ako sa ideyang nandyan lang siya. Para kasing walang nagbago eh, since I can still see the infamous beautiful monster in him. Oo, gwapo pa rin siya at hindi iyon maikakaila. He's charming the nurses at kailangan ko siyang hindi pansinin. I ignored him by walking past him and directly entering the locker room. Kaimbyernang mga nurse! Wala naman silang panama Goyard bag ko, asar talaga. Palibhasa kasi ngayon lang nakakita ng lalaking malandi at babaero. Someone as classy as my brother won't even give them a second look.

I fixed my hair in a messy bun and I reapplied my pink lipstick. I look good, and way better than five years ago. Mas maganda ako and I am classier than ever. Hindi ako magpapatalo sa lalaking 'yon. I will never show him the fragile Cassandra he knew. He will be seeing the new me. Ayoko na makaalala lahat ng konektado sa tarantadong Benedict na 'yun. Hayop talaga!

"Hi Cassandra." The cold and frigid voice captured my attention like I am being held in a dungeon. Oh sh*t na malagkit! Bakit siya pumasok ng locker room? Tarantadong m******s 'to! Aba pasalamat siya mabait-bait na ako ngayon kahit medyo b*tch.

I put on my white coat and took my stethoscope.

"Dr. Saavedra, is there anything you'd like me to help you out with? Nagkamali pa yata ikaw ng napasukang locker room?" I smiled sweetly at him while looking at him directly in the eyes. Akala mo hindi ko kaya?! Lintik lang ang walang ganti. My mother almost died of heart attack because you fooled me and my family almost went crashing down because I was too broken to hold onto life.

"Kamusta?

"Ang alin?" I answered while looking at him with my tired eyes. Medyo pagod ako kakaisip kaninang umaga kaya hindi ako nakatulog. Kaasar! Damn this life for being such a b*tch and bringing this beautiful monster back! Yes... he's beautiful, but still a fvcking monster for Pete's sake! Haaay!

"You... I mean nag-iba ka na. You looked different. You've... been... I mean you've been always classy but I guess you're classier now. You look mature but still have that infamous innocent look kahit peke." He smiled. A mocking laugh escaped my lips. It's my cue to answer back; whether I'll be b*tchier or just gonna be my typical b*tch self. I guess he drained all the sweetness in my character that even up to this day, I'm still hating this man. Yes, I hate him because I still love him. I still love this beautiful monster na ginamit lang katawan ko.

I love him and I hate him because he took away my purity and treated like it was some sort of a past time to kill the boredom. Pasensya na lord, pero 'di ko pa kayang magpatawad. 'Di ko pa kaya at malamang 'di ko kayanin. Unang kita ko pa lang sa kanya gusto ko na siyang mamatay pero ako ang papatay. I am not evem kidding. I was thinking of sacrificing my freedom and this career to kill me with my bare hands. I want to see his blood gushing out from his neck.

"Innocent? Oh come on, Dr. Saavedra. Alam kong alam mong walang inosente sa akin. You'd drained all the innocence in me, kaya malamang wala nang natira sa akin. I mean, I want to thank you, kasi naenjoy ko kahit sa iba-ibang lalaki. I had such great times, and again, that's thanks to you. Mauna na ako, I still have rounds 'tsaka mamaya ibibigay ko sa'yo ang hospital handbook at schedules na dapat mong sunurin dito. Consider me as your guide, pero 1 week lang." I smiled and I opened the door but I was pulled back inside.

His eyes full of wonder and hatred are looking at me. Hatred? Wala siyang karapatan para magalit sa akin and for the record ako ang dapat magalit kasi ako naman ang nasakTan! Tarantadong 'to.

"Let go of my hand kasi mas mahal pa sa buhay mo ang relo ko. Let me fvcking go and we still have rounds to make. If you wanna stay here, stay. I'm going to the pit now." Pero nanatili siyang nakakapit sa palapulsuhan ko. Ewan ko kung bakit kinakabahan ako. He's mad at me? Really? Kapal ng mukha nito, malamang galit sa akin kasi noong iniwanan ko siya I think nakaisang round lang kami. Hayop talaga!

"Dr. Cruz will soon look for me! Ano ba!" I keep on taking my arm pero hindi siya natibag at nakatingin lang sa akin. He's just observing me. Wala siyang ginagawa o sinasabi man lang. Siraulo ba 'tong hayop na 'to? Nakakainit ng ulo.

"You... had multiple s****l partners?! Tell me... ilan? Meron pa ba ngayon? You've become a w***e which I like by the way. I hope you can slip by my unit again, 'yun nga lang ayokong may makakaalam na magkakilala tayo. Pretend that we didn't know each other and pretend you were never crazy about me. " I slapped him with my left hand. Nakakainis na talaga. This time, 'di ako naiiyak kundi nababanas. He is such a jerk... a fvcking jerk for crying out loud!

I was into choking and kinky stuff, like trying to kill my partner thinking it was him. I wanted to kill him so much back then. I know my mental health is not stable, but since I am on the clever side, I faked neuro exam to pass the exam here. All they need is the answer they want to hear. No one cares if I hear voices, I randomly see people from my past. No one cares about that.

"Pucha naman, Benedict! Wala kang pakialam. May kanya-kanya na tayong buhay! Ayoko na sa'yo kaya kahit one night stand 'di kita papatusin. Ang kapal naman ng mukha mo, ano? Pasensya ka na, masyadong mahaba ang pila baka tuyot ka na bago maantay ang turn mo to have me. I guess marami namang ibang babae dyan eh, 'wag ako kasi I don't like fvcking someone na nakakasawa."

"Merong mga lalaki? Sino sila? Come on, ako na lang ulit. I can make you scream again, Cass." He said in the cool manner na akala mo walang kawenta-kwenta ang pinag-uusapan naming dalawa.

"Oo, meron! Bakit, gusto mo ikaw ulit? Gago! You'll never get a piece of me again because I don't screw a low life like you. Malay ko ba kung saang lupalop ka nanggaling at may germs kang nakakahawa. Take note, I don't screw a scum like you." Nagwalk out na ako. Aba, anong karapatang niyang hawakan ang Cartier watch ko? Sh*t siya, regalo ni mommy 'to at kapareho 'to ng kay Nicole Kidman.,

"Huminga ka, Cassandra. Maganda ka at matalino, kaya lintik lang kung..." Naiiyak ako. Peste talaga. Bakit ba kasi ako naapektuhan sa isang katulad niya? Bakit ganito? Bakit parang may nabubuhay na pakiramdam sa dibdib ko? Is this normal? Is this... a comeback of a long lost feeling? Mali ka Cassandra! Ah! Maling-mali ka kasi ginago ka niya and besides hindi siya tao kasi ginamit ka niyang parang damit! Imagine, you even sold your soul to him pero walang nangyari at ayun, tinangay niya ang puso mo! Gaga ka!

"...mahulog ako ulit." No. Sa lahat ng pwedeng mangyari 'wag na 'wag lang akong mahulog ulit kundi baka mamaya sa susunod na mabasag ang puso ko eh... hindi na ako mabigyang ng pangatlong buhay.

I can't fall in love with a guy I'm planning to kill.