Secrets

A very self-satisfied smile

'What? I'm sorry, but we're over.' This is how it is, she'll have to deal with it. Then the evilest, bitchy smile appears on her face.

'Oh no honey, we're not. I'm not done with you. And I'll make sure you will stay with me.' What the f**k is this?

'Do you even realize that I cheated on you?' I'm getting annoyed. Why doesn't she just let me go? If I was her, I would've thrown me out of the house by now.

'Of course I do! I'm not stupid... but I know that you love me much more than that f*****g Freddie. We are meant to be...' she tries to kiss me. I push her away. I'm angry now. What the actual f**k is she trying to do? She should be angry at me.

'Oh my God! We just broke up. We're over Dominique! Stop this!' I never knew breaking up would be this hard.  'I'll pack my things...' I mumble, as I start to walk upstairs.

'Oh no, you're not packing anything. If you leave me something terrible will happen to Freddie. Mark my words.' The bitchy smile vanishes. She's being so pathetic. Honestly...what is this. I laugh in disbelief.

'What are you gonna do? Murder the frontman of Queen?' I roll my eyes. She looks at me with a bloody serious look on her face.

'You think I'm not serious? I will fight for people I love, even if I have to get my hands dirty.' Of course she's just desperate and stupid, but something about the look in her eyes makes me doubt that. She's always so sweet and kind...she seems a totally different person right now. It's creeping me out.

'Please stop these pathetic threats...if you really love me you'll let me go, because you want the people you love to be happy, right? I start walking upstairs again.

'Roger! I know about you and Kashmira...'

Freddie's POV

I'm walking home, I don't want to spend another second in that studio with that f*****g Brian. Is he jealous or something? Of course not, he's straight and he has a wife. Why does he make such a big deal out of this? The press will never find out and it's not like Queen is going to break up because of this...maybe it'll be a little awkward between Roger and me though. I told Brian and Deaky it was a mistake, but of course it wasn't, not for me. I still can't believe it actually happened, I want it to happen again and again and again... but I'm so scared that Roger thinks it really was a mistake. He was so drunk...maybe he just thought he's bi and he likes me. If that is the case, I'm gonna feel so f*****g guilty, I'm the one who kissed him first. I made him cheat on his girlfriend...well, he wanted to break up with her anyway. And if you really don't like guys, you're not gonna be able to have s*x with them, even when you're drunk (maybe a threesome though.) I feel like my head is about to explode. Too many thoughts and feelings. Anger, guilt, sadness and also a bit of excitement. I mean...I f****d Roger Taylor. The hottest guy on the planet.

When I'm home I decide to take a nap, I'm still hungover and my headache is killing. Also, I just want to forget about life for a while. I'm so jealous of people who can actually do stuff when they're hungover. Honestly...how the f**k is that possible. I'm dead right now. Physically and mentally. I don't even take my clothes off or get under the sheets, I just lay on my bed and fall asleep right away. The last thing I think about before falling asleep is Roger. This is the bed everything happened last night, I wonder if it'll happen again...

I slip into a restless sleep with lots of dreams that seem too realistic. They're basically all about me and Roger and him telling me that he hates me, that it was all my fault and that he never wants to see me again. And then he walks away, while I'm begging him to stay....

After I don't know how many of those dreams I finally wake up, sweating. For a moment I think they were all just dreams, but they could become very real. I look at my clock. It's four hours later!? Four hours of horrible dreams. I don't even feel any better, it feels like I've been awake the whole time. I walk to the kitchen and fill a big glass of water. I'm f*****g dehydrated from all the sweating and crying during my sleep. I also need a shower, I always feel so disgusting if I skip showering for a day. Showering is like meditation, but different. After a few more glasses of water I walk to the bathroom, take my sweaty clothes off and get in the shower. I sigh in satisfaction as soon as I feel the hot water running down my body. It doesn't matter how bad my day is, showering will always make it a little better. I close my eyes. Immediately images of Roger sucking my d**k and calling me daddy appear. The daddy part was so f*****g hot, it's one of my little fetishes. I don't want to, but my c**k is getting hard. I can't help it. Last night was by far the best s*x I've ever had... Roger was so new to everything, it made the s*x even hotter. 

I'm so grateful I wasn't as pissed as I sometimes can be, when I wake up the next day (f*****g hangover of course) wondering what the f**k happened last night and having to hear about all the (stupid) things I did from people who haven't lost their memory. 

But I remember every little detail from last night... when Roger said 'I want you' and 'kiss me again please', I still get shivers down my spine thinking about it. It was like a fairytale. My c**k is getting harder. Sometimes my mind and c**k just operate separately. My hand begins to pump up and down my hard d**k without me really noticing. I tilt my head back and imagine it's Rogers lips pleasuring me, not my own hand. I softly moan Rogers name. I can't help myself. He's just so f*****g sexy. After about two minutes I'm already about to c*m. m**********g is always much quicker than actual s*x. I shut my eyes tightly, open my mouth and tilt my head further back against the wall.

'f**k Roger...yes!' I loudly moan, as I reach my climax and cover my hands and the shower in c*m. The good thing about m**********g in the shower is that the cleaning up is easy. My headache is already slightly better. I told you showering is amazing...

After I finished showering and getting dressed I decide to go see my sister Kashmira because it's been a while. I hope family can help me forget about the whole f****d up Roger situation. Kashmira had been depressed for a long time and tried to commit suicide 4 months ago. She took an overdose of a lot of different drugs at the same time. Not that she was an addict or something, she probably thought it was an easy way to die without pain. But somehow she survived. I was in shock when I found out, I knew she was depressed but never thought she actually wanted to end her life. I love her so much, I can't bear the thought of losing her. Nobody actually knows why she even got a depression. I know there's a reason for it, but she never wants to talk about it. Her depression is slowly but surely getting better. She's married to Felix, he stayed with her through everything that has happened. Don't ask me how he didn't just give up on her at one point. His patience is incredible and so is his love for her. I'm slightly jealous of their relationship. If I'm ever even gonna have a serious relationship it will never be so strong. I could never be that loyal to one person.

Perhaps if that person was Roger Taylor...

I quickly call Kashmira to make sure it's okay if I come over. Her voice sounds a little more happy and awake than the last time I spoke to her. Knowing that she's getting better instantly lifts my mood. There's nothing worse than mentally feeling like crap. I've never had a depression, but sometimes I can feel awful for no reason. I can't imagine what a depression must be like. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

I get in the driver's seat of my car and then realize that I have to drive past Rogers house to get to Kashmira. Ugh whatever, it's no big deal. Being in love with someone can make you nervous about the most stupid little things. I wonder if he ran out too after I left the studio and if he already broke up with Dominique. Why wouldn't he? He already planned to do it yesterday and he cheated on her last night...

After a couple of minutes of driving, I see Roger and Dominique's house, with Rogers car in front of it. So he's in. Is he packing his stuff? Are they fighting? Or...is he not gonna say anything about last night and stay with her? No. If that happens I'll ask Kashmira who sold her the drugs. He should know how much he would hurt me if he'd do that. I'll tell Dominique the truth myself. She has the right to know. 

I decide not to think about Roger for the rest of the day. He's driving me insane, even when I'm not with him.

When I arrive at my sister's house I ring the doorbell and she opens the door.

'Hello, darling! How are you?' I exclaim when I see her. She still doesn't look super healthy, a little pale and some dark circles, but it's definitely getting better. I give her a hug, then we both get inside.

'I'm okay...how are you?' I f****d my crush, best friend and bandmate last night cuz we were f*****g drunk but he doesn't even like me back and he has a girlfriend and Brian found out and now he's f*****g mad at us.

'Uhmm...hangover but okay.' Is all I say. She doesn't need to know everything, I don't ever ask him about the cause of her depression either. She chuckles.

'Are you ever not hangover?' Her sense of humour is coming back too.

'No.' I answer with a grin. It's kind of the truth, I do go out way too much. But I love it. Felix comes walking down the stairs. I really like him, he treats Kashmira how she deserves to be treated. 

'Hey, Freddie.' He grins a toothy grin. The three of us walk to the living room, I sit down at the couch. 

'Would you like a drink?' Felix asks. 

'Uhm, yes, water please darling.' Felix raises an eyebrow. He always looks so funny when he does that. 

'Since when do you drink water? Had a wild night?' He giggles. 

'Ugh, if only you knew...' 

'I don't think I want to know.' 

'No, you definitely don't.' I giggle, while I only try to think about Sebastian, not about Roger. I fail. His pretty little face keeps appearing in my mind, I can't control it. 

'Water it is then.' He walks to the kitchen. I look at Kashmira and smile when I see she's smiling. 

'Are you feeling any better?' I can tell she obviously is, but I still ask to make sure. 

'Yes! Definitely. I feel a lot less empty and it feels amazing.' 

'I'm so happy to hear that..' I grab one of her hands and hold it in mine. 

'Freddie...' She looks into my eyes and softly squeezes my hands. 'I'm pregnant.' I gasp and my eyes fly wide open. 

'Kashmira! That's amazing! I'm gonna be an uncle!' I hug her tightly. She's literally less empty now. I knew she has always wanted children really bad, but of course during a depression you're not gonna have them. But now I know she'll be an amazing mother. Felix walks back into the living room with a glass of water and two cups of tea for him and Kashmira. He smiles brightly.

'You heard the good news?' He sits down at the couch next to  Kashmira, lays a hand on her stomach and gently rubs it. The way he looks at her warms my heart, it's like she's the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. Which she probably is. 

'I did! Oh my God, I'm so happy for both of you.' Kashmira looks at Felix.

'I love you.' She whispers.

'I love you too.' He tries to kiss her, but she pushes him away. 

'Don't, Freddie will feel awkward..' I smirk. She can be so cute and innocent sometimes. It's unbelievable that the same cute girl once tried to kill herself. 

'Oh honey, don't worry. I've seen much more than that...' 

'Freddie!' She exclaims, then we all laugh.

The next morning 

It's about 8 AM when I wake up. I had a long night of sleep, plenty of water and vitamins, so my hangover is nearly gone now. I almost feel like a new person. I smile when I think about my pregnant sister. I stayed for a couple of hours and we just talked and had fun. 

Fuck.

I have to face Brian and Roger today. Deaky seemed okay with the whole situation, or at least not as angry about it as Brian, so I hope that doesn't change. I need to talk to Roger today. I need to figure out if he actually likes me or if we're just gonna pretend like none of this ever happened. I sigh loudly. I wish today was over already. But somehow I force myself to get out of bed, shower, get dressed and skip breakfast because the nerves are making me nauseous. It's ridiculous, I've never even been this nervous for a concert. I only have to see my bandmates. Get your s**t together, Freddie. I start walking to the studio. As soon as I breathe in the fresh air outside the nausea fades a bit. I sigh in relief. After a few minutes of walking I can see the studio, with only Brains and Johns car in front of it. Roger probably doesn't wanna face any of us either after that fight yesterday...and he was even more hangover than me. I enter the studio. Brian and Deaky are sitting at one of the tables. 

'Good morning...' I mumble. I sit down at the table too, as far away from Brian as I can. 

'Do you know where Roger is?' Brian asks, while he looks at me with a grumpy face. 

'No, how am I supposed to know?' I snap. 

'Dunno...maybe you f****d again last night and he's currently still in your bed?' I'm so f*****g done with Brian.

'Brian shut up! We didn't...' 

Then Roger comes into the studio with an arm around a girls neck. It's Dominique. She has a very self-satisfied smile on her face. She kisses Roger roughly while she stares at me.