Secrets

Is this the real life?

Roger's POV

I'm in the hospital, sitting in a chair next to Freddie's bed while holding his cold hand. He's in a coma. The doctor said he's stable for now, but there's still a relatively big chance he'll die later. He doesn't really look alive anymore though. His face is pale and full of wounds, his hands freezing. The only sign he's still alive is the slow rising and falling of his chest. I was shocked when I first saw him lying there, he looks so vulnerable and small, the complete opposite of the confident, dark, mysterious and strong Freddie he normally is.

I'm silently crying because I don't want anyone to hear me. I've been crying ever since I got here, which is hours ago. Right after Brian called I rushed to the hospital to go see Freddie and they made me wait an hour. But I would wait an eternity for Freddie.

'Please don't die Freddie. Don't die on me. Don't do it...' I whisper, over and over again. I hope he somehow can hear me. I'm waiting for the moment I wake up and realize this was all a bad dream, but that moment never comes. Every time the heart monitor attached to Freddie makes a noise (aka every heartbeat) I startle, scared that now it's gonna be one, long beep.

John and Brian came about an hour ago, and we all cried together. They're currently in the waiting room, cuz they understood I wanted to be alone with Freddie for a while. Brian and I stopped silent fighting (for now).

'Freddie please.. I need you...I can't go on without you...please wake up...please wake up...' His hand still feels cold. His eyes are still closed.

An hour passes by.

Nothing

Another hour passes by.

Still nothing.

Eventually, I fall asleep still sitting in that chair, with my head on Freddie bed while still holding his hand in mine. I already was tired when I came back from the studio, and all this stress right now is making it a hundred times worse.

I have the most horrible dream. It starts off all happy and perfect because when something perfect gets taken away from you it's much worse than not having it at all. 

Dominique somehow disappears from my life, together with all her threats and possible babies. I can finally be with Freddie. I've never felt this much joy, it's almost magical. And Brian and Deaky accept it, which makes it even better. Everything is perfect. I'm sitting on a couch, with Freddie's head on my lap. I'm softly stroking his black hair, his eyes are closed and he had a smile on his face. He looks so precious. But then suddenly his face gets a scary pale colour and the smiles fade away. His eyes fly open and he looks at me with a deep frown.

'Freddie...?' I anxiously ask. He doesn't respond.

'Freddie!?' He closes his eyes and remains quiet.

'Freddie are you okay!? Say something, you're scaring me!' But he never responds. He makes choking noises.

'Freddie!' I yell, crying. His chest stops rising and falling. 'No...' I breathe out. I feel his wrist but don't get a heartbeat.

Then I wake up, sweating and not remembering where I am. Half-expecting to see Dominique asleep next to me, I lift my head up and see Freddie lying there with all those machines attached to him, looking even scarier and more dead than in my dream. The nightmare I woke up from is just continuing in real life.

Is this the real life though? What would life be like without Freddie in it? Dominique would have no power over me anymore, so I could leave her. But I could never be happy without Freddie. Never live my dream life. Never cry onto his shoulder again. Never see his beautiful face again. Never feel his warm lips on mine again.

And what would become of Queen without Freddie? Without its frontman? Freddie is the most unique person with the strongest and most beautiful voice. No one could ever replace him. No one.

The door of the room opens. Bri and Deaky walk in, both looking absolutely exhausted with dark circles and red puffy eyes. I quickly let go of Freddie's hand, because even though Brian and I are not fighting at the moment he never accepted that Freddie and I slept together. Maybe he's just traumatized from when he caught us. 

 I look at Bri and Deaky and hope I didn't gave  them a heart attack, cuz I look even worse than them. I look like a freaking zombie.

I don't have the energy to talk to them, and thankfully they don't have the energy to talk either. They sit down in the room and stare at Freddie, probably praying he'll make it. I wipe my eyes.

'What time is it?' I ask with a cracky voice. I have no idea how long I've been here exactly. Time seems to have a different meaning when you're in a hospital praying your best friend isn't gonna die.

'2 AM.' Brian replies, sounding empty and tired. Jesus Christ, I've been here for over four hours. And I'm going to stay here until Freddie wakes up. I don't want him to wake up all alone. If he's gonna wake up at all...

'Hey Rog, don't you wanna eat something?' Deaky asks. I realize it's been hours and hours since the last time I ate something, probably a sandwich in the afternoon.

'M not hungry...' Apparently stress like this takes hunger away.

Another hour passes by. We don't talk and Freddie is still in a coma. I'm starting to lose hope that he's ever gonna wake up again, but I just ban that thought from my head. 

'I should go home, Veronica probably doesn't want me gone all night...' John says before getting up. I've never seen him this upset, he usually doesn't really show emotions. Or he's just not an emotional person. It's always weird to see someone who never cries cry.

'Yeah me too...' Bri whispers. 'You should go home too Rog, you can't stay here all night.' I can't stay here all night?

'Watch me.' I quickly reply.

'But...what about Dominique?' Dominique my ass.

'She'll be fine.' The last person I want to see right now is her.

'Rog, you...'

'I'm staying.' I raise my voice a bit. Is he scared I'm gonna f**k Freddie as soon as he wakes up or something? f*****g homophobe.

'Okay...' He whispers before he and Deaks walk out of the room. As soon as the door closes I take Freddie's hand in mine again. I'm glad I'm alone with him, now I can talk to him without anyone hearing me.

'I'm gonna kill you if you die.' I joke, trying to make this all seem like a less big deal and give myself some hope.

'Seriously though. You have to wake up Freddie. I'm madly in love with you, you can't just leave me here all by myself.' I never told him I'm in love with him when he could actually hear me. Maybe my confession will wake him up. I have to fight the urge to go to sleep again. What if Freddie wakes up while I'm sleeping and I don't notice? But after a few more minutes my body just gives up. I lay my head on Freddie's bed and fall asleep again within 0,02 seconds.

'Roger...Roger! Jesus, wake up.' I hear someone far away say. My eyes flutter open and I'm blinded by daylight. How long have I been sleeping? I dreamed about Freddie the whole time, but I don't remember the details. Thank god, cuz they were all nightmares. I lift my head off the bed.

'Freddie...' I whimper. He doesn't respond. His eyes are still closed and he looks just as pale as the night before.

'Roger?' I startle and look behind me. It's Dominique and Kashmira. What are they doing here together? 'Come on, it's time to go home baby.' Dom quietly says. Kashmira gives me a threatening look. I don't resist, and let Dom take me out of the room to leave Kashmira alone with Freddie. I'm too confused to care. Why didn't Freddie wake up? He has to. 

'What time is it?' I whisper.

'9 AM. You were in that room with him all night.' She shakes her head and accusingly looks at me. 

'Of course I did. He's my best friend, Dom.'

'You 'best friend' hmm?' I roll my eyes. Is she really gonna have this conversation again right now?

'It would be more than that if you weren't being a psycho b***h. Now shut up, I wanna go home and eat.' I snap.

. . .

Once we get home, I open the fridge to eat something.

'Hey Dom, where the f**k is the cheese!?' I call.

'I went vegan.' She calls back from the living room. I laugh.

'You went vegan? Why?' The b***h is full of surprises.

'Cuz it's healthier. Meat and dairy cause a higher risk to get cancer, Alzheimer, diabetes and a bunch of heart diseases.' A/N I'm vegan myself so at least one person in this fanfic had to go vegan lol.

'Since when do you care about health?'

'I could be pregnant, remember?' I can almost feel the smirk that's on her face right now, and it's making me sick. I don't respond. She's not pregnant Roger. She's not. I try to calm myself down.

'Did you do a test yet?' I suspiciously ask.

'No, I have to wait two weeks for that.' I take a shaky breath. How am I gonna survive two weeks of not knowing if someone I hate is carrying my child or not? How could I be so stupid to forget a condom... 

How could I be so stupid to even have s*x with her? I should've been Freddie... 

I almost burst into tears again thinking about how I sat on his lap while he was stroking my hair just yesterday. And now he's in a coma. Lives really can change overnight.

Because Dominique went vegan and every meat, dairy and egg product is gone I just eat peanut butter on toast. I'm too stressed about Freddie to care about my crazy vegan girlfriend right now. I also desperately need to shower to wash all the sweat and tears off my body. So that's what I do after eating. I sigh in satisfaction when the warm water from the shower hits my body. 

How I wish Freddie was here right now...

How I wish I just broke up with Dominique when I planned to. I could've been with Freddie right now. 

I hate myself.

I'm so f*****g stupid. 

If he dies, I'm gonna feel like I've missed out on what could've been the best few weeks of my life forever. Which is probably true. I wonder if I'm the only person who ever did this many stupid things in such a short amount of time. Probably not.

Maybe humans are just stupid. 

Yes, they definitely are. 

I'm ashamed to be human. 

The only human who isn't stupid is Freddie. He's so perfect. He makes me so happy. And he's drop-dead gorgeous. 

What if your main source of happiness is now the reason you feel so f****d up?

. . .

I'm back in the hospital. It's by far the most depressing place I've ever been to. People crying everywhere, no one who smiles, not to mention that every f*****g door and wall in this building is white. It's a sad f*****g place. 

It's currently 8 PM, and Kashmira left Freddie's room as soon as I entered. We're avoiding each other at all cost. She almost looks even worse than Freddie, her face and lips pale, dark circles underneath her eyes that are permanently filled with tears.

All I did today was worry about Freddie and watch tv. I couldn't do anything else. Whatever I do, my mind will just keep wandering back to him. So here I am again, in the hospital, staring at Freddie's bruised face, praying he'll wake up. Dominique didn't want me to go, she didn't say it, but I noticed. She's such jealous little f*****g b***h. But even she understands that he's my best friend and I need to be with him. I want him to wake up so desperately... it feels like nothing else matters anymore. But every time I whisper 'please wake up' I have less and less hope that's actually going to happen. I almost just wanna yell at him that he has to wake up. But of course that wouldn't help, so why would I.

Maybe it's just in my head, but it seems as if Freddie's hand is getting colder than it already was.

After thirty minutes a sound I prayed I'd never ever have to hear fills the room.

It's the long beep.

I startle and look at the heart monitor. This isn't real. 

This can't be real. 

But it is.

My nightmare is coming true.

There's a flat line.