Torment: Book Two of Shadow goddess series (COMPLETE)

Chapter Four

Shopping with Hades was about as conspicuous as walking around with a tattoo across my forehead displaying, I was a reaper. Like I thought he would, he towered over everyone, and everyone stared at him, at us. It was an odd and uncomfortable feeling and I actually found myself crowding more and more into him as the day went on. He was comforting for some reason. Oh, we had him sized. His legs were four and a half feet by themselves, his upper body was another four feet. His shoulders spanned thirty-six inches from one side to the other. I can’t even remember everything else, just that he was freaking huge. The majority of the places we went to didn’t have his size clothes. It’s not like stores had a section for giants.

Finally, though, after countless hours of searching, we found him some clothes. It was funny watching him curl his lip up and sneer at almost everything. I had to keep reminding him that times have changed, we are not longer living in an era of togas and sandals. He did calm down, settling on a few pairs of jeans and basket ball shorts. He preferred the tank type shirts, but I still got him a T-shirt or two. He firmly objected to shoes. He said he didn’t want to wear them, so in order to compromise, we got him several pairs of flip flops and sandals. Modern sandals.

I spent countless amount of time laughing at him as we shopped for his underwear. I showed him the different kinds there were. Tighty whiteies, boxers, boxer briefs. He growled at all the selections. His eyes darting back and forth between the products and himself. At one time he held a pair up with both hands stretching the stretchy part of the waist band a couple of times with a furrowed brow before looking at me and asking me how he expected him to fit into such a thing. My face flushed crimson with his question. I don’t know if he meant it that way but it sounded like it. Even still I laughed at him, telling him he should ask the guys what they do when we got back. In the end he couldn’t decided so I got him a few pair of boxers and a few boxer briefs.

Now Hades seemed to actually have fun choosing his hygiene items. He went through and smelt all of them, picking out which ones he liked best. We ended up with at least three bottles of bodywash, four shampoos and conditioners, two bottles of lotion and some face wash. He didn’t know what they were even for until I told him. I had to show him which was used to wash his body, which was shampoo which cleaned his hair, and conditioner that made it soft. Explaining you use conditioner after you shampoo. I had to tell him what the lotion was for and what it did while also explaining what face wash was for. It amazed me at how truly out of the loop he was. I couldn’t imagine what he must be feeling right now.

By the time we got back the sun was setting and I was just giddy with the idea of watching the guys faces when I told them they had to show Hades how to use what we had gotten. I don’t think even my mind could come up with how they would react, and I found myself wanting to record it. I knew I shouldn’t and I probably won’t, but I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to. If the look Hades had on his face was any indication, he was excited to see what all this was for. If only he knew what they guys teaching him actually meant.

For one, they would have to show him how to wash his hair and put the body wash on a rag so he could wash his massive body. They’d have to show him how to apply his lotion. But the funniest of all, they would have to show him how to put on his underwear. Help him figure out which would best suit him. Then, they would have to help him learn to, uh, learn to arrange himself inside his underwear for his comfort. The though of that made me laugh. Hades cast me an odd look, but I just bit my bottom lip and shook my head at him. No way was I about to ruin this for myself. I do think Hades might be a little upset wit me afterwards but I just couldn’t bring myself to care, the idea of it all was just too funny.

Everyone knew when we got back. Hades, still not knowing his own strength slammed the door, rattling the windows in the car. I winced at the sound, hoping the windows wouldn’t shatter. I really didn’t have long to think about it before I was caught up in someone’s arms and spinning. I grasped the arms around me and laughed. My heart feeling lighter from this one day than it had since Tristian was killed. When he let me down I turned and looked up into the depths of Caleb’s icy blue eyes. I was entranced with the way they danced in the light of the sunset. Like glaciers shinning in the sun.

“Welcome back.” He told me with a bright smile.

“What took so long?” Phoenix’s gruff voice pierced through the fog Caleb and I had fallen into. I sighed, repressing the irritation, before I turned to him.

“Look at him Phoenix.” I demanded, motioning towards Hades. “There isn’t exactly a*****e made for gods. He’s freaking huge. Finding clothes in his size was near impossible. If you don’t like how long it took, next time you take him shopping.” I quipped, putting my hands on my hips.

Both Phoenix and Hades winced at the idea, their eyes drifting to the other and back to mine. They both knew I was being serious, especially Hades. I’m sure he could also feel the annoyance and anger rising again. Why did something so damn small have to upset me so much? Even the idea of the guys teaching Hades everything wasn’t as humorous as it was a moment ago.

“Let’s just get inside.” I sighed, pushing past all of them. “There’s something I need you all to do.”

All of their brows furrowed in confusion, but they followed me without question. I guess I was glad for that, because I wasn’t ready to answer any, not at the moment. I needed to calm down, compose myself. Swallow the irritation and lock the anger back into the pit inside me.

“Your bonded makes you angry.” Hade’s voice floated through my mind as if floating on a breeze. “Why?”

I swallowed my sigh. “It wasn’t really him. Or even what he said.” I admitted. “I’m just so angry all the time. I try to be happy, to stay calm, and it worked today. Until I heard the irritation in Phoenix’s tone. I know he didn’t mean it and he was worried, but…” I trailed off shaking my head. “I just don’t know anymore.”

Hades remained silent, but nodded at me as if he knew what I meant. I didn’t see how he could, I didn’t even know. However, if he did know he needed to share. I had to get this under control. I can’t live like this. Consumed by anger and vengeance. Even now I was plotting how I would kill that man. A part of me wanted to kill him quickly, get it over with. While another part of me, a darker part wanted him to suffer like no other. Wanted to hear his screams while it relished in the sound. Wanted to hear his pleas for mercy and laugh in his face in response. That side of me wanted to peel his flesh from his bones slowly, piece by piece.

I shook the thoughts off after feeling that darker side of myself get closer to the surface. She was there, and she wanted free. She wanted vengeance. I saw Hades looking at me from the corner of his eye, a sliver of concern flashing within them. I ignored him, focusing on what before me. One step at a time. One foot in front of the next. Don’t look further.

When we got to the sitting room everyone sat down, and I remained standing. So did Hades. I wondered why until I looked around. There was no chair or couch his size. I had magic, could I do anything about it?

“Alethea?” I asked, turning to her.

“We could conjure him a chair, but it will be difficult. Our magic is more combat than anything else. We can do other things, it’s just harder.”

“Well, it’s worth a shot.” I shrugged. I closed my eyes per Alethea’s request and copied her words, word for word. It sounded odd on my tongue, the foreign language. But she insisted it was necessary until I was fully trained in my magic. I didn’t argue.

When the chant was done, Alethea fell back towards the back of my mind with Lilith. They blocked a lot of their conversations out from me, so I didn’t know what they were saying. It bothered me sometimes, usually though I really didn’t care. It was their business anyway. When I finally looked up, a massive chair, bigger than me sat in the room. I could lay down and sleep on that damn thing. Somehow though Hades made it look small. He still had plenty of room, and didn’t take up even half of it, but at least it was comfortable for him.

“Okay, now that everyone is here, I need you men’s help. Hades, here as you know has not been exposed to the modern world the way we have. We need to catch him up, help him understand. Your guy’s job it to help him learn how to use shampoo and bodywash. Teach him how to shave, use lotion and how to dress.” I bit my cheek trying not to smile or laugh. “That includes his under garments.” All eyes fell to me in disbelief. “I’m serous guys, he needs help. And unless you want me to do it then it’s on all of you.”

“Fine.” Cassius was the first to say, a hand dragging down his now red face. His midnight eyes fell to me, resigned.

“I’m sorry my love.” I spoke to him, our mind link always coming in handy. “I know none of you would like me to do it, so it’s on all of you.”

“You will not touch him in such a way.” Cassius command shocked me. He never spoke to me with such harshness, and I found myself momentarily speechless. All I could do was gape at him, hurt tightening my chest.

I didn’t speak to him again, or any of the others. I just turned and walked away. I ignored all their calls for me to wait, blocked Cassius from entering my mind. I could feel him trying to get through, but I sent a spark of my lightning along my mental shields making him lurch back. Even when he called me aloud, I ignored him. All of their voiced eventually faded into the back ground as I made my way to my room. Here I could be alone. I locked the door behind me, even added a shield to the door so no one could burst their way in.

I threw myself into my bed, burying my face into my pillow. How badly I wanted to scream. To bellow all my rage to the universe. I wanted to stop holding my tongue, stop acting as if I were okay. I wanted to stop trying the be the same woman I was before Tristian died, because that woman was dead. She would never come back. I am changed, colder, harder than before. I have no inclination to change that. I pretend for them, for the men I love. That was the woman they fell in love with, the one they wanted to stand beside. What would they do when they realized she was dead? Would they accept this new version of myself? Or would they turn away from me?

A massive part of myself, larger than what I ever would have believed screamed at me, hoping they would leave. If they left it would make our anger stronger, deeper, unwavering. It would make us strong, powerful. Our power was tied to emotions in a way, so why not make the stronger of the emotions my own? Lilith would have a constant food source, always be strong and at her best. We would never be weak or helpless again. With no one to lose, I would have no one to protect.

A smaller part, though still loud begged and pleaded for me to stop thinking such things. Begged me not to push them away, and to use them for support to get through this the right way. The way Tristian would have wanted. But h Tristian wasn’t here, he couldn’t tell me what to do or how to do it. He could never tell me anything again.

My familiars billowed from their tattoo markings as a growl reverberated though my room. The sound so deep, it vibrated the window. I wasn’t even surprised when I realized it was me growling. I jumped from my bed and started pacing, my familiars by my side the entire time, waiting. As if they knew what would happen or were waiting for something to happen. I couldn’t really focus on them though, not through the rising rage welling inside me.

I could see it now. The pit where my Tristian was, filling, bubbling with a thickened red and black lava, threatening to erupt and consume me. I wanted it to. I wanted it to spread through me, empower me. I knew though, I couldn’t let it. Not totally, not yet. But I would, soon. Very soon. And when I did, when this rage expelled out of me no one could be near me, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself, or the monster it would make of me.

A knock on the door, stifled from my shield brought my pacing to an abrupt halt. I hissed under my breath at being disrupted. “Who is it?” I shouted, not caring acid dripped from my every word.

“All of us.” Phoenix answered, his usual deep voice soft. I wish I could say it calmed me, had any kind of reaction on me, but it didn’t. I didn’t feel remorse for hurting his feelings even though I knew I should. I thrust my fingers into my hair and pulled, screaming my frustration. “No.” I bellowed. “I can’t. Not right now. I could hurt one of you.” My hands and voice was trembling with my spiraling emotions.

“Let us help.” It was Caleb this time.

“You can’t.” I laughed darkly, my mania reaching a precipice. To where, I didn’t know.

“We can try.” Cassius, now.

Cassius, his tone. Harsh, cold, echoed through my head and I growled again, my familiars joining me, I didn’t have to respond to him, I knew he heard my growl, my warning. Even through the door and shield I could feel his remorse, his hurt. And yet, I didn’t care. I didn’t know how to care anymore. I felt like a bomb ready to explode, the fuse just getting shorter and shorter. I don’t know how he did it but Hades materialized at my side. My familiars were instantly on the defensive, pushing themselves in between he two of us. I rolled my eyes, like they could stop a god.

With the way I was feeling right now, I felt I could. I felt like I would bring the world to ash if I exploded. I just hissed at Hades, continuing my pacing, ignoring his presence as if he never intruded on my sanctuary, No one should have been able to get in here. This is my space, my solitude. And yet Hades stood in here with me staring at me with a cool and collected composure. Why that bothered me I didn’t know but it did. His calm, his coolness and ability to keep everything inside as if it weren’t there. But it was there, I could feel it, right now I could see it more clearly than I ever had. His anger glowing a brilliant glowing red, while his sorrow was a pulsing blue. He was concerned, the eggshell white color mixing in with the red blue. I would find the colors ironic if I could remember how to smile, or laugh, or do anything but rage right now.

And it just kept growing. Hades’ presence, his anger added to my own, feeding it like oxygen fueled a fire. And I wanted it, I wanted all of it. His anger, his pain, his sorrow. I wanted to take it all from him, feed on it to strengthen my own. In this moment my power was at an incredibly new level. The emotions I felt from him in the room now, I found myself drawing them into me. The pit continued to fill, Hades blues and eggshell white adding to the red and black of my own.

“Rose.” Hades’ voice was calm, soothing.

“Aaahhh!” I screamed at him, sick of everyone being so damn calm so freaking careful. Treating me like I’m a piece of freaking glass.

“Rose.” His voice harder, gaining my attention.

“What?” I hissed at him, my familiars growling beside me.

“You are losing control.”

I laughed. “Really?” I asked darkly. “I hadn’t noticed. I thought I was serene and calm.” I spat at him. He took it with grace though, his composure never changing. His emotions however said different. My tone, my words hurt him. And for some reason, that had me stopping in my tracks. Why had that hurt him? Out of everything, why that? I didn’t say anything hurtful; my tone was acid though. It’s what hurt me and started all of this. Cassius’s harsh tone.

“Why?” I simply asked, my voice still hard but not harsh.

“It has been many years Rose, many, many years since I have been to earth. Trapped in the underworld’s realm. You were the first thing I saw when I was freed. You saw through the darkness that surrounded me when I emerged, even the other gods could not see me when I am in that form.”

“You mean that smoky darkness was another form of yours?”

“Yes. Your shadow form was formed from my own form of darkness.”

I shook my head. “That does not answer my question.”

“In my many years alive, even in Olympus no other had shone true and sincere kindness. It was out of obligation or used to keep the peace. While we all lived in harmony none of it was sincere, none of it meant anything. Your gift for feeling others emotions was another thing the reapers was gifted from me. I can feel you as you feel me, and I have felt the sincerity of your kindness. I have felt your anger. I have also felt your confusion around me. Like with your men, you enjoy spending time with me, as I enjoy my time with you. And though I do wish I could give you answers I have none. Your confusion matches my own. I did not like you speaking the way you did, I did not like watching you struggle. Though it confuses me, your anger hurt me as it does your other men. I only wish for you to calm.”

“Calm.” I scoffed. “If only I knew what that was anymore.” I could feel the erratic emotions draining back into the pit from which they came, leaving me tired and feeling wired all at the same time. “I don’t know what to do anymore Hades.” I dropped onto the corner of my bed and held my face in my hands. “I knew it would be hard if I lost one of them, but I didn’t think it would be like this.”

“I do not know the closeness a bonded has to another, but I can feel the harm it is doing to you. You are allowing the darkness to consume your soul. What was once purple is now swirling with blacks and reds.” Hades sat in the floor in front of me, and yet was still a good foot taller. He gripped my chin in his hands and pulled my eyes up to his. The gold there seemed to swirl around his iris. “You can not let the darkness win.”

“And what of you?” I asked, arching a brow. “Your aura is so jumbled and confused, if I couldn’t feel your emotions, I wouldn’t know what to make of you.”

“I have a millennium of anger on me than you.” He told me bluntly, the gold in his eyes hardening into a firm amber.

“Maybe so.” I said, hardening my own eyes. “But you’re no longer trapped, you’re more easily able to feel happiness, feel cared for. And yet you keep your distance, don’t allow anyone close. Even when we are together, you are distant, just out of my reach. You won’t allow anyone close to you for you to feel any of the good.”

Hades let go of my chin and sighed. “You do not understand the betrayal.” He told me; his voice almost seemed small, timid.

“And the betrayal of my father? The one action causing my bonded to lose his life? Is that not the same?”

He looked up at me this time, his eyes curious. “In a manner of speaking, yes, it is the same. Though you did not spend an eternity alone.”

“But you’re not alone anymore. Why act as if you are?” I asked, never taking my eyes from his. Emotions flashed through them so quickly I couldn’t focus on just one, it was impossible. “How much are you hiding from me?” I whispered.

Hades’ smile was filled with sorrow. “So very much. What you feel is that I am unable to cage.”

I tilted my head to the side and studied him. “Could I help?” I was genuinely curious.

“I do not have an answer to that.”

“Can I try?” It was a simple question, but somehow felt so very big. Hades nodded though; no words left his mouth. I smiled at him as I placed my hands on either side of his face. “You have to let me in.” He closed his eyes for a minute as if he had to think about it, before nodding. He never opened his eyes back up, so I began.

I didn’t know what I was doing. He was a god. But we already had a connection, so I thought maybe I could follow that. It seemed simple enough, but nothing in my life was simple. And I had accepted that fact a while ago. But as time goes on I am realizing my life isn’t so bad, well it wasn’t. But if one good thing came from this anger it would be this. Help keep me strong so I could help Hades. He deserved it after so long.

I closed my eyes and pictured the connection between the two of us. I was shocked to see it was so sturdy and shinning a bright gold, the same color as his eyes. I ignored that for now and followed it into Hades’ mind. When he felt me, he dropped his walls. Everything he has been enduring hit me. It felt as if the entire solar system had crashed into me, making itself at home inside of me. I had to grit my teeth through the pain, the anger, the sorrow. All of was so intense I felt like I would implode. I felt him try to pull away a few times but I squeezed his face between my hands silently telling him to stop. He did.

It took me a lot of digging, a lot of pain, but I had eventually lived his life in reverse. It all zipped through my mind like a horror movie. His pain, so much pain. The sorrow of his situation always threatened to drown him, but he always triumphed through it. But things pilled up, crushed him and turned him bitter and cold. Even in Olympus he was not happy, not truly happy. He watched from a distance as the others took their wives, had children. Watched as Zeus betrayed Hera over and over again. He’d fake his smiles, force his laughs. And yet no one seemed to notice. It sounded so obvious to me; I wonder why they never noticed?

Once I lived his life in fast forward, I searched for this cage he spoke of. It wasn’t hard to find. It was huge. As I passed through a weight crushed down on me. I started there, absorbing the crushing weight into myself and into Lilith. I could feel her perk up and smile. The emotions hitting her making her hover midair and glow a brilliant silvery gold. And yet there was more. A lot had been passed to Lilith, but she was full and couldn’t take anymore into herself. I could take it into myself, convert it into power, or I could let it pass through me into the universe. Yet that would just power anyone who found it. So, I resigned myself. I siphoned some into myself, filling the pit within myself.

I broke free with a harsh gasp, my breathing heavy and rapid. My heart felt like it was about to break through my chest with how hard it was pounding, Even Hades was gasping for air, from the after shock of it all. He still had so much inside him, but I took so much, enough the weight should be easier for him to carry. Now though, I was worried about myself. What would happen to me now that I filled myself with a few hundred years of negative emotions?